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Old 05-18-2019, 06:14 AM
 
11 posts, read 40,406 times
Reputation: 21

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I want this under non-romantic because it is about co-workers and feelings, not ACTING on those feelings, so a romantic relationship never begins. This is not about dating a co-worker.


Isn't it pretty common to develop romantic feelings, or a crush, for a co-worker? It has happened for me quite often, at different levels, at different jobs. I feel that we are at our best at work - respectful, diligent, professional, on good behavior, so why wouldn't we be attractive to others? Especially if you spend years together.


I'm dealing with this situation yet again and it's obvious to me that he feels similarly. I am thankful that we are both married and neither of us will act on our feelings. Based on the smiles we give each other and the things that we do for each other, it seems to me that we're both extremely flattered by the admiration of the other. I know that feelings can't be turned off, but I sure wish I could give it a try. I am tired of the uncomfortableness and having this "secret" makes me very self-conscious and easily embarrassed. When he is in the same room, he is always alert and aware and looks at me quite often, which causes me anxiety. When he's out of the room I am calm and relaxed. I would like to ask him not to look at me so much, but that's partly his nature, and it's hard to get him alone to talk to, but if the situation arises I will attempt this conversation. I think my feelings are just unconditional love; they are not sexual, if we were both single I would want to try a relationship but I would also be happy just having him as a good friend. He is a good husband, he's attractive but not the sort I fantasize about. I have tried to focus on his negative aspects, but it doesn't diminish my feelings. I just don't know how to feel more comfortable around him. Maybe the way to start the conversation is to say "I want to be more comfortable with you" and figure out the ways we are making each other uncomfortable.


Input welcome. I just needed to post this somewhere. There aren't many people I can talk to about it.
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Old 05-18-2019, 06:21 AM
 
16,797 posts, read 14,530,548 times
Reputation: 37896
Ugh, no. You are asking us how to help you set the stage for an emotional affair. Gross.

You're better off discussing this with your husband and trying to get to the bottom of what is unsatisfying about your marriage
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Old 05-18-2019, 06:50 AM
 
11 posts, read 40,406 times
Reputation: 21
If we want to get psychological about myself, that's fine, I will go there, but not to be criticized, only to be helped. Setting the stage for an emotional affair? Why would I want to do that? I didn't start these feelings on purpose. I said I was wanting to STOP these feelings.
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Old 05-18-2019, 07:09 AM
 
794 posts, read 334,169 times
Reputation: 2442
Quote:
Originally Posted by thefullmonty View Post
I'm dealing with this situation yet again and it's obvious to me that he feels similarly. I am thankful that we are both married and neither of us will act on our feelings. Based on the smiles we give each other and the things that we do for each other, it seems to me that we're both extremely flattered by the admiration of the other. I know that feelings can't be turned off, but I sure wish I could give it a try. I am tired of the uncomfortableness and having this "secret" makes me very self-conscious and easily embarrassed. When he is in the same room, he is always alert and aware and looks at me quite often, which causes me anxiety. When he's out of the room I am calm and relaxed. I would like to ask him not to look at me so much, but that's partly his nature, and it's hard to get him alone to talk to, but if the situation arises I will attempt this conversation. I think my feelings are just unconditional love; they are not sexual, if we were both single I would want to try a relationship but I would also be happy just having him as a good friend. He is a good husband, he's attractive but not the sort I fantasize about. I have tried to focus on his negative aspects, but it doesn't diminish my feelings. I just don't know how to feel more comfortable around him. Maybe the way to start the conversation is to say "I want to be more comfortable with you" and figure out the ways we are making each other uncomfortable.
Because being married prevents having relationships with other people?

You both enjoy the attention. You don't want it to stop. You find nothing repugnant about the character of a married man pursuing you and sharing this "secret"... at work, of all places.

If you did, his flirtations would result in a face when he looks at you like that. He wouldn't continue for long with a mocking response. You're feeding him. He's feeding you.

You don't need to be more comfortable with your co-worker. You're both FAR too comfortable already, in this little mental strip tease. Have you ever considered that he's so hard to get alone because his co-workers are fencing him? Because your secret is not so secret? It's always pretty obvious when colleagues are crushing on each other. They're always shocked when other people say they know, like their bubble of fantasy was an actual shield from other people... you know, simply observing their ridiculous behavior.

Figure out what it is about your relationship with your husband that makes this budding-affair so obviously delicious to you. And work on your marriage, if you want to stay married. That's where the conversation should be directed. If you want to be with other men - or you know that you don't want to be with your husband anymore - then just get a divorce and pursue whomever you want without guilt. This happens often (ie "yet again") so if your marriage is just the gilded-cage accessory in this whole, recurrent forbidden-romance schtick, then maybe it's time to rethink if you should be married to him.
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Old 05-18-2019, 07:26 AM
 
794 posts, read 334,169 times
Reputation: 2442
Quote:
Originally Posted by thefullmonty View Post
If we want to get psychological about myself, that's fine, I will go there, but not to be criticized, only to be helped. Setting the stage for an emotional affair? Why would I want to do that? I didn't start these feelings on purpose. I said I was wanting to STOP these feelings.
This is literally the default run-up to an affair. So common and trite that it is easily recognizable by others.

No one sets out to have feelings about anything... they just come up because you're open to the idea. A married man flirting with you, a married co-worker, does not induce a feeling of disgust in you. Trite Problem #1.

Rather than being annoyed that he's catching your eye and flirting with you, it makes you feel all fluttery and giggly and "if we weren't married, I would..." Trite Problem #2.

Rather than looking at him like the jerk he is (lol NOT a "good husband"), you flirt BACK. Ugh. Trite Problem #3.

You feel the need to discuss how wrong it is, alone with him. Trite Problem #4.

Everyone always thinks that no one could possibly understand a twu wuv like theirs... that they're soulmates... that their love was bigger than themselves... that they waited for SO LONG before they acted on it and they should get some kind of credit for that ... but workplace affairs about as common as it gets.

My husband and I are in sales. We have literally never worked anywhere, at either's employers, where there hasn't been an affair going on... eventually, the wife or husband calls endlessly to catch them, then starts popping in during the day, their performance goes down, the process server arrives for this or that summons, the kids get exchanged at work. It's a whole thing and we see it all.the.time.
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Old 05-18-2019, 07:28 AM
 
Location: The Ozone Layer, apparently...
1,906 posts, read 673,471 times
Reputation: 3955
Quote:
Originally Posted by thefullmonty View Post
I want this under non-romantic because it is about co-workers and feelings, not ACTING on those feelings, so a romantic relationship never begins. This is not about dating a co-worker.


Isn't it pretty common to develop romantic feelings, or a crush, for a co-worker? It has happened for me quite often, at different levels, at different jobs. I feel that we are at our best at work - respectful, diligent, professional, on good behavior, so why wouldn't we be attractive to others? Especially if you spend years together.


I'm dealing with this situation yet again and it's obvious to me that he feels similarly. I am thankful that we are both married and neither of us will act on our feelings. Based on the smiles we give each other and the things that we do for each other, it seems to me that we're both extremely flattered by the admiration of the other. I know that feelings can't be turned off, but I sure wish I could give it a try. I am tired of the uncomfortableness and having this "secret" makes me very self-conscious and easily embarrassed. When he is in the same room, he is always alert and aware and looks at me quite often, which causes me anxiety. When he's out of the room I am calm and relaxed. I would like to ask him not to look at me so much, but that's partly his nature, and it's hard to get him alone to talk to, but if the situation arises I will attempt this conversation. I think my feelings are just unconditional love; they are not sexual, if we were both single I would want to try a relationship but I would also be happy just having him as a good friend. He is a good husband, he's attractive but not the sort I fantasize about. I have tried to focus on his negative aspects, but it doesn't diminish my feelings. I just don't know how to feel more comfortable around him. Maybe the way to start the conversation is to say "I want to be more comfortable with you" and figure out the ways we are making each other uncomfortable.


Input welcome. I just needed to post this somewhere. There aren't many people I can talk to about it.
It's a fantasy, and no - it's not pretty common, but it can happen. If you instigate a personal and emotional relationship with him at your job, and he reciprocates, then you both risk a lot over your fantasy.

You risk your job and create drama with your husband which could result in a divorce. You could be left with nothing. Same for him. Imagine the drama your head will go through if he totally rejects you, or just uses you for extra-curricular sex. Not pretty!

Reality is - fantasy is fantasy for a reason, and very few people can bring them into reality successfully. It's usually impossible for someone to live up to your imaginations of them.

I think you should keep him where he belongs - as a coworker in the office - and wait for these feelings to pass. They almost always do. If you want to put effort into pursuing something, I would direct any feeling I had for him back to my husband. Your husband is the one who deserves to benefit from any fantasies you have. Best wishes.
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Old 05-18-2019, 07:31 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,172 posts, read 41,773,101 times
Reputation: 82932
Have you never heard of a work wife?

https://www.urbandictionary.com/defi...rm=work%20wife

If you want to stop, then FORCE yourself to stop thinking about him "that way." If you think about him when you're NOT at work, or if you get excited to see him on your way there, then you're already in an emotional affair.
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Old 05-18-2019, 09:23 AM
 
16,797 posts, read 14,530,548 times
Reputation: 37896
Let me guess. You "love" your husband but you are not "in love" with him.

I could write the rest of the script for you if you like...

https://www.emotionalaffair.org/ilybinilwy/
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Old 05-18-2019, 09:45 AM
 
11 posts, read 40,406 times
Reputation: 21
Good point Birdie Bell, thank you. I was not always married the other times this happened. And I don't think it's very unusual at all. No I do not flirt with this man and no the other co-worker does not know about my feelings and no one is shielding him. Thanks everyone for judging a situation you don't know much about, only the pieces I am giving you.
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Old 05-18-2019, 09:48 AM
 
11 posts, read 40,406 times
Reputation: 21
When I said I wanted to get more comfortable with him, I meant as a friend. What do you want me to say, that I want to be more uncomfortable with him? This whole thing is a pain in the ass, I'm not happy about it, but I can't find another job. I tried.
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