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I'm tempted to call out one of my best friends who I barely hear from anymore.
He was the best man in my wedding and I last saw him and his wife late 2016, but since then, I haven't seen him at all. I have NO idea what happened. I kind of saw the writing on the wall in 2017 - my wife would try to get together with them every few months or so but barely got any responses from them. Since we both had kids less than 1 year old, we figured it was an easy way to get even closer. We even had a gift for their son's first birthday but they had no interest in getting in (my wife likes to do this to friends that have kids just to be nice). After like the third time of them not responding to our invites (and keep in mind, it wasn't like we were pestering them every week or so, this was all over the course of 4-6 months), we both kind of just gave up, but the situation has always bothered me a bit. On our baby registry, we actually saw that two items had been brought but we never got them yet. My wife found out it was this couple who got the gifts, but I guess they never sent them...
To make things even more weird, this friend of mine has actually texted me every 6 months trying to find a time to grab a drink after work, but the plan usually falls through because he's always too busy or something has come up at work. During one of these exchanges, I did ask if everything was okay because I felt like we barely hear from him or his wife anymore, but he just brushed it off as just being too busy.
What really was the straw that broke the camel's back was when my daughter was born a few months ago. I posted something on Facebook and neither of them offered any sort of congratulatory message or Like. I don't even think they knew we were expecting a second kid. I know what you're thinking - "Facebook is garbage and you shouldn't take it too seriously." I disagree a bit in the sense that it is useful barometer in some cases. For example, my friend's wife has commented on pics of my brother's kids and my sister's wedding related stuff. As a fun fact, my brother had his second kid a week before I had mine and she posted something on his page, but not mine...Not even a congratulatory text outside of any social media.
....
That's a lot of content for someone to read, so I just want to end with one question - how hard do I confront my friend about this? I'm not going to be mean, but I'm going to be honest of how I feel and call him out. I realize that this may terminate the friendship, but I'm hoping I can at least get the truth out of it. Maybe something is wrong with me? Maybe something my wife did to upset them? If I can at least get the truth, that will be important. It's not like I've been "friends" with them for the past two years, so terminating the friendship doesn't seem that impacting. The other case is kind of a long shot - the friendship improves because we're more open...but probably not. The most likely case is that he ignores me completely, but at least I got to say something finally as opposed to beating around the bush.
But if they didn't even know you were expecting a second child, that means that you have had no meaningful communication for nine months. We all have had "friends" who are too busy to get together, especially to make plans in advance, but most of these people will e-mail/text/call to keep the relationship going. For the past three years it sounds like your relationship has been two texts a year and being FB friends. Can't see what will be accomplished. He may ignore your invitation to disclose what has been happening---or skirt the issue by citing busyness, as most people do, acting like we now suddenly have less than the 24 hours a day that humans have always been given. Or you could hear something hurtful---some slight he/she perceived so small you were unaware of but which is monumental in their eyes or that the wife doesn't like your wife or their kid doesn't play with yours.
Can't see any point in asking or trying to revive a friendship that has been dead for a couple of years. You may have curiosity about it, but perhaps it's kinder to them and to you to just let this die a natural death. He does complicate stuff with the twice a year texting. You can beg off citing how busy you are, tell him you don't want to make plans since he always cancels, or just go along with it knowing he will cancel.
Educated guess: His wife doesn't like you. I doubt he will ever tell you that, though. Men tend to side with the person they're sleeping with. It makes life a lot easier.
If it were only a matter of his wife not liking your wife, he would find a way to get together with you occasionally sans spouses.
Well, here's my theory. Friend's wife posted a pic of them a large RV on FB. Kid was in front seat (under 1 at the time), wife wasn't sure if that was legal or not to have a kid be in that spot of the vehicle, so she sent friend's a wife PM that she may want to take that pic down because someone could report her. We had another friend who posted their deceased newborn from childbirth on FB whch actually got reported. So my wife thought this was just a friendly heads up.
I guess that was where it all started.
So my theory is that something happened between the wives, but my wife wouldn't know anything about. I told her my theory, but she thought it was pretty ridiculous.
There's nothing to confront. You've invited your guy bud and his wife to get together and they've not been interested in that and there's been no contact outside of the overtures you've made since 2016.
It's sad but their actions tell you they're not interested in being in your life. There's nothing you can do to change the past and though it's not what you want, you have no choice but to let it go and assume something pissed off his wife (most likely) and they've backed away.
Maybe time will heal and your friend will be in touch some day in the future and be able to actually follow-through on a plan to hang out; confronting him now will not help things because he'll be on the defensive. When he does text you just be nice, tell him it's good to hear from him, and be open to whatever, even if he can't follow through.
There's really nothing to be gained by calling him out. You've grown apart. It happens. Be thankful for the good times, and be glad that the ending wasn't more traumatic.
Well, here's my theory. Friend's wife posted a pic of them a large RV on FB. Kid was in front seat (under 1 at the time), wife wasn't sure if that was legal or not to have a kid be in that spot of the vehicle, so she sent friend's a wife PM that she may want to take that pic down because someone could report her. We had another friend who posted their deceased newborn from childbirth on FB whch actually got reported. So my wife thought this was just a friendly heads up.
I guess that was where it all started.
So my theory is that something happened between the wives, but my wife wouldn't know anything about. I told her my theory, but she thought it was pretty ridiculous.
Why would your wife do that? I don't think many would take that as a "heads up." More like an attack on their parenting.
Just let the relationship drop. I have dropped people and people have dropped me. Not once did I or the other ever confront each other. I don't think I know any man that has. It just isn't done.
Well, here's my theory. Friend's wife posted a pic of them a large RV on FB. Kid was in front seat (under 1 at the time), wife wasn't sure if that was legal or not to have a kid be in that spot of the vehicle, so she sent friend's a wife PM that she may want to take that pic down because someone could report her.
This is most likely what it is. And your friend--not just his wife--is probably also hurt (annoyed/embarrassed/angry) by your wife's PM.
It's sad, though, since if the guy was close enough to be the best man at your wedding, you two were very good friends, and it would be hard to let a friendship like this go. Maybe drop communication for awhile, then contact him again in a few months to see if he wants to meet you alone for lunch or something.
As others have already written, people change, lives change, priorities change, little tiffs happen, people choose to disconnect. It might be a deliberate disconnect or it might be nothing. Can't really undo the past. My question would be if these folks have dropped you from the forefront of their lives why would you want them back?
As for calling the friend out, no I probably wouldn't. I'd be a bit hurt just as you are, and mull it over in my mind just as you are doing...all understandable. However, ask yourself what good would it do except make your relationship even more strained than it might be already? Especially considering that your friend is still making some minor attempts to meet up. All you might end up doing is cutting that final thread. Is the wish to do so really just a way to make your irritation known? To be validated? To feel you've had some sort of last word? IMHO not really worth it because they may not care. If you don't get any response to your "calling out" would that make you feel better or worse?
Last edited by Parnassia; 05-19-2019 at 12:43 PM..
There's nothing to confront. You've invited your guy bud and his wife to get together and they've not been interested in that and there's been no contact outside of the overtures you've made since 2016.
It's sad but their actions tell you they're not interested in being in your life. There's nothing you can do to change the past and though it's not what you want, you have no choice but to let it go and assume something pissed off his wife (most likely) and they've backed away.
Maybe time will heal and your friend will be in touch some day in the future and be able to actually follow-through on a plan to hang out; confronting him now will not help things because he'll be on the defensive. When he does text you just be nice, tell him it's good to hear from him, and be open to whatever, even if he can't follow through.
I've recently moved and sent an email/photos to a friend with an update on what's going on. No reply.
Now, the guy might be busy and I'm disappointed he hasn't responded. But it is what it is.
No need to call anyone out.
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