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Good question. It doesn't matter at this point if I receive a formal invitation or not. I can manage that. If I don't, I won't even go.
In-person, I was specifically asked to reserve the mid-Nov date last May. These people are not normally people who plan ahead. (Only for themselves if they have to.) Typical flaky people with social anxiety splattered around basically. It is what it is. They're still good people, but how good- time will tell.
Maybe the weekend I reserved will be open again after this week. That is a decision I need to make for myself, all things considered.
What makes things more interesting is I was invited to a Bachelors Party through FB a few days ago, already gave my response, then messaged after giving my definite "no" response. I am going to wait to respond and prioritize other things and probably other people as that is just what I need to do right now.
You announced that his BF is a pushover, your meal won't be paid for and worse, you might be ignored. Say what?
Yes, and through this discussion up to that point, I see that my "needs" need to change. I don't need all those things I mentioned before. I just have to consider other options instead. In any kind of friendship or relationship, there should be some give and take. There has definitely been some give on my part, and not much take. And that's okay. Some of that take has crossed certain personal boundaries of my time and energy.
I didn't realize before that I need to handle and look at the situation differently.
I do now.
If they don't pay for the wedding reception meal, that is fine.
If I'm ignored, I just don't have to stay long.
As people have said, it's about them getting married, and I am definitely happy for that.
If i can still be treated like a good friend after that with respect both ways, wonderful! If not, I move on.
Them getting married needs to be appreciated, and everyone should also respect each other. Those two things are separate things that should not be clumped together as one.
If I don't properly receive a physical invitation, I can just simply decline.
Keep it simple.
I see it's okay to try to consider to offer more than others might normally do, but I needed a better handle on how to handle the non-reciprocation of such interactions that seemed like they were originally headed in that direction.
Other developed countries I think have a better sense of (some of?) these kind of deeper social nuances than the US in general. So, there's this weird social dichotomy that some people are even unaware of because everyone lives in a bubble of their own.
They wanted to spend 2.5 days with me instead of 1.5 days with me. So, I got pushed to use of one my work days to take Friday off. I ended up being okay with this as long as I would be able to attend the concert at noon. After my experiences with them now, I can see that they won't do something like this for me back even though they asked me to do this with them. I would've been fine with them taking themselves around and taking public transportation, but they are scared to drive in the city and I happen to love driving in the city, lol.
We also spent Saturday and part of Sunday together. Since I considered the one partner that good of a friend, I made that sacrifice. There was a concert at noon that we all wanted to go to but they got too late to get to it. I even offered to let them stay the night before and I only missed it because of them. They are not early birds, and nor am I particularly, but I won't try to hold someone else up either and just tell someone else to go if a certain time has hit etc.
As for the hotel room thing, I didn't know better because I've only been in a few weddings. It depends on the culture, social dynamic, and people involved with how a hotel room would work. I guess usually that would only be considered where families are involved rather than friends of families as well.
After seeing all your posts and thinking this out more, I won't shut this friendship out. But I'm making too much effort and being too nice. Quality friendships go both ways, and that's what I want. I'll go to the wedding and give something I feel is appropriate- right now that has to be something relatively minimal as there has been a slew of these slight inconsiderations that have affected my schedule and efforts.
I understand where you're coming from, OP. You made the sacrifices they requested, because you valued the friendship you had that much, but you later found out, that reciprocity wasn't in the cards. So now you need to adjust, and dial back your expectations, and your generosity (which includes your time). IDK, if I were you, I might have gone to the concert anyway, if they were sleeping in, or having a lazy morning, getting a slow start. They could live without you for the few hours involved in going to the concert and returning.
I understand where you're coming from, OP. You made the sacrifices they requested, because you valued the friendship you had that much, but you later found out, that reciprocity wasn't in the cards. So now you need to adjust, and dial back your expectations, and your generosity (which includes your time). IDK, if I were you, I might have gone to the concert anyway, if they were sleeping in, or having a lazy morning, getting a slow start. They could live without you for the few hours involved in going to the concert and returning.
Ruth4Truth, I totally would've done that, but they nagged me to wait for them. I told them because of the traffic and logistics of parking and walking to the venue that they should let me go on my own if they can't get to my place at a certain time. They didn't make it on that certain time, forced me to wait, and we didn't make it to the concert as a result. This was also on the same day they forced me to take off.
Thank you for wording that so well. This is where I am coming from.
Talking this out and seeing all the nuances like this is making my decisions more clear and easy.
I am having second thoughts of even going now even if I am invited, but I still am happy for them getting married.
My door will be open to them, but they just have to know how to respect it if they want to meet is all.
Since you like to make everything about you, if you think you would have fun at the bachelor party, go. If not, don’t. If you get a wedding invitation, which you probably will, and you would enjoy attending, go. If not, don’t. The responsibility for paying for the bachelor party stuff and your hotels is on you.
Watch out that you don’t whine your way out of a friendship. It seems like your friend went out of his way to include you in his new relationship, but if you keep up the complaints about your unfair treatment you might become too much work.
Since you like to make everything about you, if you think you would have fun at the bachelor party, go. If not, don’t. If you get a wedding invitation, which you probably will, and you would enjoy attending, go. If not, don’t. The responsibility for paying for the bachelor party stuff and your hotels is on you.
Watch out that you don’t whine your way out of a friendship. It seems like your friend went out of his way to include you in his new relationship, but if you keep up the complaints about your unfair treatment you might become too much work.
Quite off the mark. Read the later threads and replies.
I am offended because there were past situations where there were a combination of events where I was asked to go out of my way on things and where I went out of my way on my own and they were not fully reciprocated properly. The advice not to complain is great advice, but your interpretation of the reasoning is off the mark completely.
The thought of being paid for that stuff was from culture and one of a way to reciprocate back for what I gave to them, but it was not the best thought to have basically.
I think I just need to fade out from this friendship at this point, honestly.
In review, it was never all about just me. It's about everyone involved and trying to be fair to everyone involved, but my approach should be different. And I am not always the best at initially explaining the reality of the combination of situations and the important nuances at first.
So as I understand it, you have gone out of your way for their friendship and they have not done the same in return for you.
I think your decision to cool your jets is a good one. Whether the friendship will continue after their wedding remains to be seen, but should probably depend on them reaching out to you.
As to the bachelor party, if you don't want to go, then don't.
BTW, it is my understanding that generally bachelor party guests pay for their own food, drink, entertainment, hotel room, etc.
However, unless otherwise noted on the invitation, wedding guests are treated to whatever food and beverages are available at the reception.
Also, I would suggest checking their wedding registry and purchasing an item that fits with your budget and your sensibilities.
If these were friends of mine that were growing distant and I did not expect to see much of in the future, I might donate to https://www.kiva.org in their names, and let them pick the entrepreneur(s) that get the loan(s).
I often give this as a wedding gift to those I don't know well. It gives them a chance to make a decision as a couple, and do good in the world at the same time.
OP, try to relax. Give friends more time to reciprocate favors and let them do it in their own way. Americans are by & large very generous, friendly people. However there are a multitude of cultural backgrounds here and one person's normal may not be another person's normal. It was nice that your friends wanted to spend an extra day with you, but if it created a financial hardship you should have just politely declined.
I'm just curious if both of them attend the bachelor party. Seems odd to follow traditional practices.
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