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I think this art is being lost, as kids don't seem to sit around and listen anymore - they're all into their phones. And often, their parents are just as bad.
Well there you have it because the parents lead the way. Our children had cell phones in their later teens but NOT at the dinner table and we ate at the dinner table almost every night. When their friends came over they joined us. It's a shame it's such a lost art, sigh!
Is the visit a one-time dinner visit, or is she staying with you for multiple days? Are you saying you've been blindsided by uncomfortable topics your mom brought up?
For starters, I wouldn't pressure them to initiate multiple questions with her.
I would take the lead and just make general small talk at first, then if it brings good memories, YOU remind your mom about fun memories from your childhood to make it more relatable to your boys. Then they can ask her questions about those memories, etc.
School is always a good common denominator. They can tell her what they are working on at school and ask her what her school was like.
The main thing I would be careful of is letting your stress about the visit affect them. Try to be as relaxed as possible, with no expectations about their "performance."
1) She's staying with us for four days.
2) I try to stay clear of politics with her, but sometimes I will mention rather banal things and for whatever reason it triggers her and she'll spiral into discussions I avoid altogether. So an example would be, "Oh it's been a busy week for me.. the cat needed to go to the vet and my quarterly business taxes were due". And from there she can sometimes spiral into tax laws -> unfair -> my money -> welfare -> immigrants
Another one from just a few weeks ago (especially since you mention the boys' education) I was telling her about this project my 16 year old did in his material science course and how it was really cool and she said it was really something that he could even take the course in high school and I told her how different it was from even when I was in HS... and then she asked how it all got funded and I told her that our district had a separate foundation to help support these other course offerings... so that triggered her... too much funding -> I can't afford it -> it's not working -> early childhood education doesn't work -> poor black people still grow up to act like poor black people.
I'm not exaggerating. We went from my my son's science experiment to a racist rant in less than five minutes. How is that even possible???
3) Memories are unfortunately not that great and further punctured by my parent's divorce in my early 20's. ALL of my "good" memories are always associated with my dad. I'm not able to bring up much from my upbringing that isn't going to be uncomfortable or painful for either of us. But, as I said, I'm not too worried about myself as we CAN talk about cooking and recipes, her travel, her friends, other relatives, my kids', my husband's career adventures, the weather and her increasing health issues and getting older. We can talk a lot about a lot of things, but sometimes she'll just ride off the rail. She has a lot of free time and spends a lot of time reading about current events and she tends to get riled up, the more the political or controversial, the more likely she'll do it.
But my kids don't have much experience, life experience and nothing in common with her. So my question is more to help them out. My younger son is very social and I asked him earlier this evening what he thought and he surprised me! He said he'll ask her about his cousins and what we can do there next time we visit. He genuinely wants to know about the sports arenas in her city as they recently completed one or two of them. My older son is autistic.. I imagine my concern is more for him... and I just want to have a nice time. I want her to have a nice time too.
I've not met a person who didn't want to be asked about themselves.
So, I'd encourage everyone to ask her about her life. Where did she grow up? Who were her friends? Did she like school? How did she meet your father? What advice would she give your kids? What were her dreams?
Just ask her anything you can think of about her life and her dreams and her advice. That rarely happens nowadays and the vast majority of people in this world want to tell their story or give advice. It makes people feel valued, which is invaluable.
Your kids can always couch everything in that they want to do a family tree, for instance, if it otherwise feels awkward. Then they can ask about each relative. So, maybe have them find a family tree graphic on the internet and print it out and ask her to help them fill it in, and then talk about each relative.
Even if she is private, there should be a way to make her feel valued as far as family history goes. It's possible she had bad relations with some of the family on the family tree, so you don't need to press her on details. But, she will still feel valued if you and the kids are showing interest in her knowledge of the family and her life.
She may be private because some bad things happened to her, so be sensitive to that. In prior generations, people didn't report abuses. So, if she shuts down, it may be because of something bad that she knows about or that happened to her. So, I suggest you just don't pressure her on things she doesn't want to discuss. Just move on to a different relative or just simply ask her if she can please tell you some stories about her life that you don't know about yet.
I think she will love you all for showing interest in her life and her knowledge. I know I would.
A lot of not good things happened to her. I know them either from her directly or from my dad. I don't want to go into them too much, but I can tell you that she's a victim and so am I. Multigenerational issues. Issues in her own family of origin.
Issues brought by my father and his family. Essentially dysfunction at it's best.
Mom is private because I think it's too much for her to look back and I can understand that now. Also from an immigrant family (she is 2nd generation) where you just didn't talk about things. I understand that only as an adult.
Right after I got married my dad walked out on her and it was a very public and scandalous affair that made the top newspaper of very large city newspaper (several actually).
We don't talk much about the past for lots of good reasons.. but I totally understand what you're saying! I wish it were different!
The OP isn't a kid, she's a middle-age woman who has existed in the world for enough decades to know how to talk to her own mother, which she said she does on a weekly basis. Children learn by watching their parents interact with others. Children don't need to be conversation starters, it's not an expectation at that age that they figure out how to start and carry a conversation with someone older. They can participate, however.
Go back and reread because you missed the details.
I said I wasn't too worried about myself.
I said my kids haven't had opportunities to do what you are saying.. to figure out how to talk to an older person... that's why I believe I need to help them.
Also, my older son is autistic, so it's not as simple for him to "figure out" anything in regards to communication.
My grandkid is almost 15 and will soon be learning to drive. I wish she would ask me how I learned to drive and what it was like taking my test to get my drivers license; and what car I learned on and what was the first car I owned.
She could also ask me who were my best friends at her age and what kinds of things we did for fun.
She could ask me how I earned spending money, did I have a curfew, how did I stay in touch with my friends without cell phones.... and, as a young teen who has always had access to a computer she could ask me when I became familiar with technology and how it impacted my life.
I think she might be interested in learning how air travel has changed in my lifetime....from making reservations to going thru security. And I’d love to hear about how she feels about air travel and the places she would love to see.
There are so many conversations I’d love to have with my grandchild, but all she wants to do when she visits is bury herself in her iphone and chat with her friends. And her parents are ok with that.
So I commend you for thinking about how to build a bridge between your sons and their grandmother.
These are fun topics! I love the driving one especially (I don't even know) as my son will be learning soon. I think asking about spending money would be fun as well because of how much inflation has changed the price of things.
Do you garden? Does she? Anyone who does can relate and unless you have an immigrant gardener (in which case I'd ditch gardening as a topic) I can't see how flowers and possibly veg, trees, and grass can go wrong.
Cooking? Did she make anything you liked as a child? Do you cook anything she used to make? Did she teach you to do anything they might like to learn? (Origami? Anything?)
Maybe she's traveled somewhere your kids could ask about. Do they do sport they could tell her about? Play music? Draw? Like art? Can they tell a funny story about a teacher? You don't mention your father. Is he still alive? If not, could they ask her about him? Do they have pets? Does she?
Think of it like you're at the bus station stuck talking to someone you don't know and want to keep it on the surface but still seem friendly.
I have a lunatic political mother who is married to someone just like her and they are filled with, no, overflowing with hate, and will turn anything back to their favorite rants, so I get it. If you mentioned your children's ages I forget what they are, but tell them she rants and enlist their help in talking about nicer things.
As a grandma of 10, I have so much I want to know or share with my grandkids that we never have to pre-plan things to talk about. And even when they were very little, they brought up topics. Do the kids sense that you're not that excited about the visit?
While your mom has some issues in her past, who doesn't, could the boys ask her to help make a family tree going back on her side of the family? Talk about her parents/grandparents, the old country, what everyone did, etc.
Does she see other members of the family that you all can ask about? Lots of times I'll show the grandkids photos of their cousins and we'll talk about what they're doing.
I think it's good that your boys are getting a chance to learn how to converse with other adults. I wouldn't have them speak to her as someone you're not related to, this is their grandmother, their heritage, your mama. They should be learning how to communicate with non-relatives at school, church or other activities.
The silver lining to her going off on a rant in front of your kids is that it will actually be an education for them - in how not to be. But I understand you just wanting for everyone to have a pleasant time.
Is there some type of craft activity that they can do together? Perhaps, your older son and Grandma can make simple Christmas ornaments or fall or winter decorations for both your houses. If they are working with their hands it may not be as awkward as sitting on the couch staring at each other trying to think of conversational topics.
Perhaps, going for a walk together or going out for ice cream together. Is there some type of local activity that your family can do together? Perhaps, go to a children's museum or a nature preserve or a fall festival or something like that.
They also make memory book (types of things) where there are questions like "What do you like to do as a little girl?", "Share a favorite school memory." You could select a few of these topics that are not likely to trigger your mom.
I wish you well.
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