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Hello everyone. I'm not sure if projecting is the correct term here, so you can correct me if I'm wrong.
I have a friend who I used to go to school with and we reconnected recently. Both of us are men in our 30s and have several things in common.
However what irks me about him is that he's still so fixated on people we used to meet back in school. He stalks them often on social media and compares his life to them and talks to me about it all the time. But that's not the most annoying part, he talks in terms of "us" and "we". Meaning he often says things like "if we ran into Jeff one day he would probably ignore US because WE are not as successful as he is" etc. We haven't met some of these people in years so these are hypothetical situations he's making up and he's making these assumptions about them by himself.
He has told me many times that he's not happy about where he is in life right now and I've done my best to console him and tell him that he should be proud of himself. Me on the other hand I'm extremely happy about where I am in life, I'm doing pretty good in terms of finances and I am healthy and happy. So when he says things like this again and again, like I should be ashamed of myself like he is, it irks me to no end.
At first I went along with it because I didn't want to single him out and make him feel bad about his own situation , so I was mostly agreeable during these conversations. But at this point it is seriously starting to **** me off because his life, career trajectories and mine are nothing alike, yet he brings this up again and again obsessively like him and I should equally be ashamed of ourselves.
It's reached a point where I'm considering creating some distance between us and even ending the friendship because I feel so insulted every time he does this.
Am I wrong for being annoyed over this? How should I respond to this so this conversation is never brought up again? Or should I just ditch this friendship? Thanks
Hello everyone. I'm not sure if projecting is the correct term here, so you can correct me if I'm wrong.
I have a friend who I used to go to school with and we reconnected recently. Both of us are men in our 30s and have several things in common.
However what irks me about him is that he's still so fixated on people we used to meet back in school. He stalks them often on social media and compares his life to them and talks to me about it all the time. But that's not the most annoying part, he talks in terms of "us" and "we". Meaning he often says things like "if we ran into Jeff one day he would probably ignore US because WE are not as successful as he is" etc. We haven't met some of these people in years so these are hypothetical situations he's making up and he's making these assumptions about them by himself.
He has told me many times that he's not happy about where he is in life right now and I've done my best to console him and tell him that he should be proud of himself. Me on the other hand I'm extremely happy about where I am in life, I'm doing pretty good in terms of finances and I am healthy and happy. So when he says things like this again and again, like I should be ashamed of myself like he is, it irks me to no end.
At first I went along with it because I didn't want to single him out and make him feel bad about his own situation , so I was mostly agreeable during these conversations. But at this point it is seriously starting to **** me off because his life, career trajectories and mine are nothing alike, yet he brings this up again and again obsessively like him and I should equally be ashamed of ourselves.
It's reached a point where I'm considering creating some distance between us and even ending the friendship because I feel so insulted every time he does this.
Am I wrong for being annoyed over this? How should I respond to this so this conversation is never brought up again? Or should I just ditch this friendship? Thanks
I don't think you are wrong to feel annoyed. He is stuck rehashing the past, licking his wounds forever. Licked wounds never heal. Up until now you haven't done anything to discourage him so a little bit of the problem can legitimately be laid at your door. He now views you as a safe listener for his rantings about his past. He probably views you as an equal victim (saying "we") because you haven't exactly corrected that. Now you want to set the record straight, change your role, move the goalposts...which is understandable. You're ready to move on to other things, he isn't. IMHO you can't help him move on; he needs to do it for himself. The trick is how to disengage yourself kindly, without totally alienating him. If that's what you want.
I think you need to be honest with yourself and make a decision about what you want from this friendship. If you really want to maintain it, you need to tell him how his perpetual dumping makes you feel. There are two people in this friendship, not one. You've been hearing a lot about his troubles but it seems one sided.
Time to 'fess up. I think I would sit down with myself and rehearse broaching the topic, then have a face to face conversation with him. Maybe write him a letter to make sure you communicate what you need to say. Maybe start off telling him what you value about the friendship and about him as a person (start off with good news before delivering the bad news), what you wish and hope for him. Then segue into what ISN'T working about the friendship. That you end up feeling used, that things in your life you might like to talk about in return never get a chance. He doesn't reciprocate. You care about him and feel that his continuing focus on the past isn't helping him in life. You care about that (if that's true). You are more than a horse he can keep beating to death over old troubles that never get resolved.
Suggest that a counselor could be more beneficial in putting the past to rest and that you aren't a counselor. Someone experienced and more neutral could help him move on to a better phase of living. You'd like to see him successful and happy too. Be prepared...he will probably be offended and view it as a betrayal. He may disconnect over it temporarily or permanently. That is his decision to make. If he doesn't disconnect, be ready with a new strategy. Once you've gotten it off your chest be ready to redirect the conversation whenever he starts off an a rant about the past. Change the subject when he starts off down the old rabbit trails. Don't engage. Be consistent. Eventually he'll learn that you are no longer the sounding board he used to dump on. He may disconnect and find someone else to play that part, or he may learn to respect you as an equal.
Last edited by Parnassia; 05-03-2021 at 12:41 PM..
Well, friend, it wouldn't matter if Jeff talked to us or not. I'm pretty happy with how my life is going. We can't all be Jeff or Bill Gates.
I doubt your reconnected friend has many friends. He's trying to emphasize that you are friends by lumping the two of you together against others. That the others are no longer significant in your lives doesn't seem to occur to him.
I don't think that you are likely to change Donnie Downer. You certainly could point out to him that what people post on Facebook isn't necessarily true, that it's apt to be a pumped up version of the truth. You could tell him he should get over high school, that fortunately it is no longer an important part of life. One has to feel a bit sad for someone stuck in the past.
OP, I think you're right that he's projecting his own insecurities onto you. He sounds like what I call a demoralizer. A demoralizer is someone who strives to undermine the confidence or morale of other people that the demoralizer is secretly jealous or frightened of or feels inferior to in an attempt to bring them down to his own level of insecurity. As a matter of fact it's a common centuries old war-time tactic used by enemies against their enemies. You are the person he's trying to demoralize and bring down to his level of vulnerability and insecurity with his back-handed insults. He isn't really a friend of yours.
Quote:
It's reached a point where I'm considering creating some distance between us and even ending the friendship because I feel so insulted every time he does this.
You already know what to do, as your quote above indicates, and I think that's been validated by the above responses.
Some get stuck in high school for ever. Sadly some high school was the highlight of their life. Not just because of what they physically did or achieved because they knew they had the future in front of them.
I ran into a guy a 1/4 century later. His attire was exactly what the 'cool' kids were wearing back in the day. Nice guy but he wreaked of pot and alcohol. Sometimes they wind up with the same exact peer group which explain somethings but most jobs & schools people start meeting people from different towns, backgrounds etc. Hang out with the sos one will focus on the sos.
Hello everyone. I'm not sure if projecting is the correct term here, so you can correct me if I'm wrong.
I have a friend who I used to go to school with and we reconnected recently. Both of us are men in our 30s and have several things in common.
However what irks me about him is that he's still so fixated on people we used to meet back in school. He stalks them often on social media and compares his life to them and talks to me about it all the time. But that's not the most annoying part, he talks in terms of "us" and "we". Meaning he often says things like "if we ran into Jeff one day he would probably ignore US because WE are not as successful as he is" etc. We haven't met some of these people in years so these are hypothetical situations he's making up and he's making these assumptions about them by himself.
He has told me many times that he's not happy about where he is in life right now and I've done my best to console him and tell him that he should be proud of himself. Me on the other hand I'm extremely happy about where I am in life, I'm doing pretty good in terms of finances and I am healthy and happy. So when he says things like this again and again, like I should be ashamed of myself like he is, it irks me to no end.
At first I went along with it because I didn't want to single him out and make him feel bad about his own situation , so I was mostly agreeable during these conversations. But at this point it is seriously starting to **** me off because his life, career trajectories and mine are nothing alike, yet he brings this up again and again obsessively like him and I should equally be ashamed of ourselves.
It's reached a point where I'm considering creating some distance between us and even ending the friendship because I feel so insulted every time he does this.
Am I wrong for being annoyed over this? How should I respond to this so this conversation is never brought up again? Or should I just ditch this friendship? Thanks
Use of "us" and "we" as singular pronouns is somewhat common in British English. Just sayin'
Yeah if someone wants to feel bad about their life have at it, don't try to pull me down with you.
I'd just tell him, speak for yourself. I've done that before when someone pulled the negative "we" crap and it shut them up.
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