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Old 05-13-2008, 05:40 AM
 
Location: Where the sun always shines..
1,939 posts, read 5,590,897 times
Reputation: 794

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because I've gained some weight. I am in my early 30's, happily married with a 2 yo. I see my mother daily as she acts as our nanny. All my sisters are very thin (5'8, 120 ish) and my mother is near anorexia wearing almost a size 2. I am 5'10 and curvy, at 160 (with a very large chest that of course makes me look heavier). I am currently trying to lose weight and have been for a while and my mother knows this. Yet, she still nags and pinches my side at every chance she can saying things like "you really need to start losing weight" or "Id really like to see you thinner".. she claims its all because she cares about me, and says I won't be happy if I don't lose weight. On the contrary! SHE isn't happy with the way I look, she is demented in the head and is embarrassed by my appearance (Im by no means fat, just heavier than the rest, Im not happy but am trying). She makes comments about how good my sisters look and how they really watch what they eat.. When we are all together she insists on bringing up weight, exercise or "fat" people. I have never been good enough for her. If I got a A- on a test when I was younger, it was "oh gosh, you missed that one, you really should have gotten an A" No matter what I do, she wants more from me. She knows how I feel about her nagging me about my weight. We have had numerous large fights about her intrusive comments, I mean BIG fights. Still, she'll back off for a while and then start up again. She even goes so far as to tell other people to nag me also, like my dad, husband and sisters, none of who will take her side. It's a large conflict between my husband and her also. While I have gained weight and would love to be a size 6 again, Im only a size 10! It has been really hard for me, but who nags like that when they know I am trying!?! Right before I was pregnant I was at my heaviest ("Lucky" for me, I had an awful pregnancy and lost a ton of weight but had a very healthy baby), she actually "oinked" at me and called me a fat little pig until I was in tears. Keep in mind, I was 30 at the time! Everyone will admit I have gained weight and Im not looking my best (except the hubby of course)My sisters agree it is borderline abusive and I can't take it anymore, I cannot talk to her, and I cannot write her out of my life HELP ME COPE!
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Old 05-13-2008, 06:38 AM
 
999 posts, read 2,944,290 times
Reputation: 726
First of all, please accept my condolences for having a mother that makes you feel this way. Always remember that you are healthy and you had a healthy baby, so try to focus on that and although I know it's hard, try to ignore your mother and spend as little time as possible around her. I'm glad your husband supports you and loves you for who you are, because that is the most important thing. I have four kids and have probably put on around 20 lbs since my 20's (I'm 42). I find it extremely hard to watch my diet and exercise (I guess I have a huge lack of willpower), so lately I've tried to just accept the fact that I'm a little heavier than I would like and be happy about all the great things in my life. My hubby tells me constantly that I look great and sexy, but it's hard to accept that you don't look like you used to as you get older.

You should try some reverse criticism on your mother. Find some anorexia brochures to give her and keep asking her if she is feeling OK, cause she looks tired and sickly. Make some comments about how older women look like skeletons when they are too thin (I have a sister-in-law that looks like this). Turn the tables on her and tell her you are concerned about her health. Make her weight the focus instead of yours. Meanwhile, if she criticizes you, tell her you have more important things to focus on than your weight and that your husband loves your curves. If you want to continue to try to lose weight, don't even tell her. Just do it for yourself, not because your mother thinks you should.
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Old 05-13-2008, 07:04 AM
 
Location: Its easy to be a perfectionist when someone else is doing all the work.
2,231 posts, read 5,450,245 times
Reputation: 4083
Repeat after me. With feeling.
Its really not my problem what other people think of me.

This is her problem. Why are you letting it be yours. You sound like you look fine to me. Of course Im 5'10 and wear a 16 and sometimes an 18 so what do I know.

Personally I dont argue with others about things that are non of their bees wax. I will listen to what you have to say but utimately the decision is mine so I see no need to argue.

So why are you arguing about this. I woud just listen politely smile and go about my business. If I was feeling peevish I might agree and go into my Im not worthy speech. The trick is to be sincere and keep a straight face. " I am so sorry that Im so fat that youre embarassed to be seen with me in public. Its okay if you dont want to be seen with me. I understand."

WE must have been posting at the same time. Thats an excellent suggestion. Focus on her weight by showing concern.
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Old 05-13-2008, 07:39 AM
 
947 posts, read 2,833,675 times
Reputation: 723
Tell your mom if she can't accept who you are then she needs to find a new place to visit. Criticizing you and putting you down is unacceptable to you and your family. You are a mom and you do not need your kid around this toxic behavior so tell her to knock it off if she still wants to be welcome in your house.
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Old 05-13-2008, 07:56 AM
 
681 posts, read 2,568,572 times
Reputation: 529
Oobie, here's my take. I had similar issues with my parents... they had their ideas of how they wanted me to be... and it seemed as though I could never live up to those standards.

You are an individual. 160 pounds at 5'10" is NOT fat by any stretch of the imagination. (Good grief, my wife is 5'11" and if she got down to 160 or even 170, I think she'd become two-dimensional!) You could probably make a list of ways in which you have not been "good enough" for your mother. Look at all of those things, think about the way you are, and then ask yourself if you're happy being the way you are. If you are happy with yourself, then that's all you need to know. (Using your example of getting an A- on a test... let's put it this way... I'm a very smart guy and my IQ tests back that up... but I graduated college with "only" a 3.36 GPA. Could I have done better? Absolutely... but I chose not to, as I wanted to have a social life and not spend all of my time studying like the people who wound up graduating summa *** laude with a 3.85 or better. I am perfectly happy with that 3.36 because it was the result of the path I chose.)

You need to take your mother to task for this, and that may require you to be harsh. I did exactly that when I was 25... I didn't move out permanently until age 25 due to how expensive it was to live in the area where my parents live... once I bought a house, they no longer had anything left which they could hold over my head or take away from me if I went against how they wanted me to behave or whatever. So, I wrote my parents a long letter in which I was more brutally honest about their actions and how those actions made me feel than I had ever been before. It hit them like a ton of bricks and we didn't speak for months. However, we did ultimately get back to speaking... and some truths came out on their side too... these days, due to my having blown all of that stuff out of the sky, we have a much better relationship than we ever had. You may have to do something similar. Your mother will only keep doing what she's doing for as long as she believes she can get away with it. Next time she gripes about your weight, kick her out of your house. If you're at her house and she brings up those uncomfortable subjects like you say she does, just walk right out and drive away. Let her know that she cannot and will not get away with this crap any longer... and eventually she'll get the hint.
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Old 05-13-2008, 08:03 AM
 
Location: Austin, TX
2,725 posts, read 4,784,519 times
Reputation: 2215
Your mother is a horrible person. Oinking at you? Wow!

She doesn't sounds like she listens to you but tell her again how much she hurts you and let her know it needs to stop. I think she may need therapy. She seems very fixated on weight.
If she doesn't stop then it is time to distance yourself from her.
The way she treats is not healthy for you.
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Old 05-13-2008, 08:20 AM
 
Location: Earth
3,798 posts, read 6,142,001 times
Reputation: 2525
You need to set a boundary with her and then stick to it. Take care.
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Old 05-13-2008, 09:46 AM
 
Location: Where the sun always shines..
1,939 posts, read 5,590,897 times
Reputation: 794
I know she has issues. One of them is control, she needs it and she's trying to control me this way. SHe is also very obsessed with weight, she eats nothing and in my opinion, is anorexic. However, it doesn't help that my sisters are very thin. One is 45 with no children and has a very busy life with school and work, and the other is 29 with no kids but works 2 jobs. Im busy, and am inhibited in my workouts due to my hefty chest. Sure, sounds like an excuse right? Thats what they all think. Unless you have em, you don't realize how hard it is to run or exercise with a D chest.. Not to mention that but I do enjoy eating, my hubby and I do munching and enjoy dinners out. I won't deny my eating habits arent the best, but I wish she would just like me the way I am
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Old 05-13-2008, 10:10 AM
 
Location: Scranton
2,937 posts, read 3,046,203 times
Reputation: 570
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oobie119 View Post
because I've gained some weight. I am in my early 30's, happily married with a 2 yo. I see my mother daily as she acts as our nanny. All my sisters are very thin (5'8, 120 ish) and my mother is near anorexia wearing almost a size 2. I am 5'10 and curvy, at 160 (with a very large chest that of course makes me look heavier). I am currently trying to lose weight and have been for a while and my mother knows this. Yet, she still nags and pinches my side at every chance she can saying things like "you really need to start losing weight" or "Id really like to see you thinner".. she claims its all because she cares about me, and says I won't be happy if I don't lose weight. On the contrary! SHE isn't happy with the way I look, she is demented in the head and is embarrassed by my appearance (Im by no means fat, just heavier than the rest, Im not happy but am trying). She makes comments about how good my sisters look and how they really watch what they eat.. When we are all together she insists on bringing up weight, exercise or "fat" people. I have never been good enough for her. If I got a A- on a test when I was younger, it was "oh gosh, you missed that one, you really should have gotten an A" No matter what I do, she wants more from me. She knows how I feel about her nagging me about my weight. We have had numerous large fights about her intrusive comments, I mean BIG fights. Still, she'll back off for a while and then start up again. She even goes so far as to tell other people to nag me also, like my dad, husband and sisters, none of who will take her side. It's a large conflict between my husband and her also. While I have gained weight and would love to be a size 6 again, Im only a size 10! It has been really hard for me, but who nags like that when they know I am trying!?! Right before I was pregnant I was at my heaviest ("Lucky" for me, I had an awful pregnancy and lost a ton of weight but had a very healthy baby), she actually "oinked" at me and called me a fat little pig until I was in tears. Keep in mind, I was 30 at the time! Everyone will admit I have gained weight and Im not looking my best (except the hubby of course)My sisters agree it is borderline abusive and I can't take it anymore, I cannot talk to her, and I cannot write her out of my life HELP ME COPE!

Tell your mother to pound sand and do what makes you happy. Sounds to me like you have a perfect body. Don't change a thing! There's nothing unhealthy or overweight about a size 10. A size 2, on the other hand, to me, looks sickly.

Personally, I would just avoid your mother. You don't need to subject yourself and your family to someone as insulting and rude.
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Old 05-13-2008, 10:12 AM
 
Location: Home of King Willie the not so great
4,189 posts, read 3,156,110 times
Reputation: 809
She's hungry. Just throw her a sandwich the next time she picks at you
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