U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 09-14-2008, 09:53 PM
 
119 posts, read 778,098 times
Reputation: 120

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Topsungbong View Post
I think that comment is a bit ignorant and you should be more sympathetic to what he is saying. He obviously went though a lot coping with this issue and this site/forum is the perfect outlet for this issue.

I fully sympathize with you. My father is a despicable part of my family. I know that it is a horrible thing to say but I get very upset just uttering his name. I am Asian (sorry for the stereotype and I mean nothing of it) so my father had different issues. Grades, SATs, and college apps. I hate him after those occurrences of my life. Report card day, he would mock me, (I know this is a bit egotistical but bear with my troubles). My school is very competitive and one day, when I left my phone at home, he called all my friends and told my grades. I had a B-, my lowest grade, in Spanish (other languages are not my forte). I went from top 5 in class to top 10 because of that GPA killer.


He told all of my friends, competitors and I just felt really embarrassed. On my SATs, I got a 2250. My friend got a 2260. Every time we talk and if there is something I say that he doesn't like, he bring this up. I feel like hitting him in the face but I know I can't. During college application time, he would, and still does, scream, hit, beat, and take away my privileges because I did not finish the whole application. He acts like he is doing me a favor by acting like an ass and hitting me. Yet a gain I restrain myself in his face. It is so unreasonable to demand theses things when they are due in end of November when it is only mid September. Yesterday, I made the biggest mistake every. He had taken the computer plug from my computer because I went to a party and came home around three. I had homework that I needed to do today (Sunday) and he had left. I took another computer plug to complete the typed essay assignment. When he sees me on the computer, he viciously takes his belt of and strikes me a couple of times. I grab the belt on the last strike and pull. He fell and I begin to hit him, furiously. I don’t know what to do, I didn’t want to hit him it is just he makes me so mad. I can no longer restrain my self in his presence. Please some one give advice on how to cope with this...
If you are being abused by your father, you should talk to another adult such as your mother, other relatives, a guidance counselor, or the authorities if you feel threatened.

You didn't say how old you are but I assume people taking SATS are in the 10th or 11th grade. I don't know what the laws are in your area regarding emancipation, but if your home environment is abusive, you could either live with another relative or be legally granted the ability to care for yourself.

I would talk to your father and tell him that you are doing your best and that it is not appropriate that he abuse you in anyway. It is a difficult situation and recommend getting advice from your mother or other adults close to you.

As an adult, I just had to set boundaries and not allow certain people in my life that disrespected me. I had relatives that tried to make me feel bad about myself and possibly manipulate me to their own ends at a time when I was grieving and healing from losing several important people in my life. Those people will never be a part of my life again.

I am not saying that your father is bad and to disown him, but as an adult, there is no room in life for people that abuse you, mentally or physically. That is inappropriate. You did well in school, and you know it. Find "your" happiness in life. I wish you the best.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 09-14-2008, 11:08 PM
 
Location: Incognito
7,001 posts, read 18,104,072 times
Reputation: 5442
I sort of can relate to his hatred for his dad. I felt the same way with mine since he was living with a common law wife before he married my mom. Years later my parents divorced and he preferred to live and deal with my half brothers. He totally put me out of the picture. He constantly would compare me to them saying "why you're not more like your brothers" in the sense of being a womanizer, one thing I am not. I just left and was incommunicated for years until recently I went to visit.
Ooops! sorry for the thread jack! lol
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 09-14-2008, 11:15 PM
 
2,779 posts, read 6,650,245 times
Reputation: 728
I think you are incredibly fortunate to feel as you do towards your father, the alternative being to love him pathologically. Your challenge, what you must do to be free of all the crap you are burdened with, is to forgive your mother, your father, and yourself. You are almost there!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nashcash23 View Post
I know hate is a strong word to use when describing how you feel about people, but I hate my father. I hate him for many reasons. Even the site of his face makes me feel angry all over. Sometimes I want to yell and curse at him at the top of my lungs. I try to keep my cool, but he just makes me so angry. The first reason I think I hate my father is because when I was growing up, he was hardly around. You see, when he met my mother they were coworkers. They began seeing each other outside of work and eventually had me. The only thing that was wrong with that is my father was married to a woman that was not my mother. This means that he cheated on his wife with my mother and had me. To me, that is just something that is inexcusable. I am glad that I can be here on earth, but think that the way that I was conceived was wrong. This is why he was hardly around when I was growing up, because he had a wife to go home to at night instead of a son and mother. He came around every so often and played games with me, bought gifts and so on, but for some reason we never went anywhere together in public, something I did not realize until many years later. I loved him at the time, and received much joy from his visits. When I was about 11 or 12, he moved in with me and my mother permanently. I was thrilled. You see, this whole time I had not known that he had a wife whom he was now divorcing. I always thought that he lived in an apartment with a roomate or something because that is what my mother always told me when I asked her. Another thing I did not know was that he was even my father. I was always told that my father was one of my mother's previous boyfreinds, but that was a lie too. My mother and father had to make up that story because my dad was a married man and no one could know about me. It was as if I was a secret child that no one could know about. As a matter of fact, I guess I was a secret child no one could know about. Anyways, after about a year after my father had moved in with me and my mother, he told me a secret. He told me that he was my actual father all this time. I did not believe this story at first, but once I did, I began to question my life as a whole. I thought that I had been lied to the whole time. I wanted to know if everything about me was a lie. The day he told me he was my father was my first day of sixth grade I think, which meant that I had to spend that whole first day thinking about my entire life, wondering if it was all a lie. Moving on, a few months later my mother told me that my father used to be married, which I took quite well, because it was just like putting another piece in conjunction with the rest of an endless puzzle. At this time, my father was in the process of divorcing his ex-wife, which was something that I did not fully understand at the time. A few years later after my father's divorce, my mom and dad bought a home. I never really liked that house that much and still don't till this day. I think the reason why I never liked it that much was that i had to go through so much hell there. My mother would fuss at my father a lot because he lied quite a bit and pretty soon she did not trust him at all. After a year or two of living in that house, the biggest lie of them all came into reality. You see, one of my father's ex-girlfreinds would call our house day and show up at our house randomly just to try to pick a nerve with my parents. She would never leave us alone no matter how many times we would call the police. She would follow my mom to work, make threats, and she even called my parents jobs while they were at work. She would call my dad's job so much that he almost got fired, something that my mom and I would not find out until nine months later. You see, since my father was about to get fired from his job, he desperately went to his ex-girlfreind and asked what he could do to make her stop calling and harrasing him at work. Apparently that thing was to sleep with her. That was what she wanted all along. She actually wanted him all along, but the only way that she would stop calling him on the job would be if he slept with her, which he did. She stopped harassing him at work, but did not stop harrasing us at home. She began to make up stories that she was pregnant, which she had done many times before, so we just ignored it since her motive was to make my mother leave my father. Soon enough, we found out that her lies were reality. I remember the day when my father had to go to court. He had to go to court that day because he had to find out how much he would pay each week for child support. This was the most devastating thing that ever happened in my life. My father had cheated on my mother with his ex-girlfreind to keep his job. I would have just lost my job rather than cheat on someone I love. My father would always lie to my mother about things, such as where he was going when he left the house, or why he would always take his phone calls privately in another room, or why we never went anywhere as a family, but this was something that basically tore our familiy apart. The trust in our household was gone, the love was gone, and there was nothing but emptiness. We still loved each other but not as much as we used to. This was how my house was for the rest of the years I lived there.

When I was eighteen getting ready to go to college my mother was very supportive of my decisions. My father was not. You see, I wanted to go to dental school to become a dentist, but my father mocked me and told me that dental school was too expensive and tried to steer me to another career. My mother told me that if being a dentist was my dream, I should pursue it, which I did. To this day, my father still does not encourage my career as a dentist and still mocks me for my career choices. He has this belief that dentist and doctors get sued so much that they spend more time in court than they do in hospitals and dental offices, which is just plain idiotic. I guess the whole point of this post it to ask the question; is it wrong to dislike my father for all the things he has put me through, or should I still find a way to love him despite of all the things I have gone through? I know the answer to this question may seem obvious to some of you, but I just can't figure this out. It is something I have struggled with for years, and I must figure out what I should do. I would like to love my father, but I just can't bring myself to do so.
I think you are incredibly fortunate to feel as you do towards your father, the alternative being to love him pathologically. Your challenge, what you must do to be free of all the crap you are burdened with, is to forgive your mother, your father, and yourself. You are almost there!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-06-2009, 02:14 PM
 
1 posts, read 3,498 times
Reputation: 10
You have a lot of anger issues that need to be addressed. You need to forgive him, not love him. You are hurting yourself more than you will ever hurt him. Nowhere in the bible does it say you have to love your parents. Sit down and write down all the things you wish you had said to him over the years and just pour out all the hurt and anger. Then when you are finished. Just look at the pages you wrote and wait a day or two and set them on fire. Let them burn out the hurt in your heart and get your life back. Again, you are hurting more than he ever will.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-06-2009, 03:36 PM
 
25,165 posts, read 47,166,764 times
Reputation: 6920
Show some compassion right now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by teddiwalk View Post
You have a lot of anger issues that need to be addressed. You need to forgive him, not love him. You are hurting yourself more than you will ever hurt him. Nowhere in the bible does it say you have to love your parents. Sit down and write down all the things you wish you had said to him over the years and just pour out all the hurt and anger. Then when you are finished. Just look at the pages you wrote and wait a day or two and set them on fire. Let them burn out the hurt in your heart and get your life back. Again, you are hurting more than he ever will.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2009, 12:17 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,120 posts, read 16,411,058 times
Reputation: 13240
Quote:
Originally Posted by tao View Post
... Forgiveness doesn't mean saying what they did was ok but that you won't hold on to it and let it have power over you anymore.



To the OP, if you're still following this: Congratulations on your accomplishments so far. Becoming a dentist is something in which you should take much pride, and any normal parent would be proud of a child who could do that.

You needn't "love" your father, but you do need to dump the hate. It'll fester and turn you into something you don't want to be. No one is perfect, and it seems your father has more than his share of weaknesses. Sometimes in our lives we make mistakes and get by with them; sometimes they haunt us forever. Just see him for what he is, a weak person with problems that he hasn't been able to overcome. Like Tao said above, forgive him for your own sake.

You stated in one of your posts that you were looking into seeing a counselor. I think that's an excellent idea. I hope you're now well on your way to finding resolution to this so you can continue to make your life the best that it can be.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-07-2009, 12:35 PM
 
8,697 posts, read 9,551,022 times
Reputation: 6610
Your father needs therapy, when he's an old man he's gonna look at all the little pieces of relationships around him and he won't be able to put any of them together and make one good relationship,
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-12-2009, 10:29 PM
 
1 posts, read 3,347 times
Reputation: 10
seeking professional help is not an admission of guilt. clearly the father and mother have made huge mistakes and should seek help as well. there is nothing that the child can do about that since none of us have the ability to control the mental health of others. the best we can do is ask for help when we need it. therapy is often an appointment that you make with yourself. it is time set aside to reflect and grow. we all need it, but some are too proud to admit it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-13-2009, 11:32 AM
 
25,165 posts, read 47,166,764 times
Reputation: 6920
seeking professional help is admission to guilt.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-13-2009, 11:55 AM
 
Location: Connecticut
1,461 posts, read 4,080,006 times
Reputation: 1646
Default Hate Father

Your Moms whole life has been based on one big lie so why should she or you have any respect for the man you say is your Father. If I have heard it once, I have heard it a thousand times..any man can be a Father but it takes a real man to be a Dad and this man was not much of a Dad. Is it right for you to hate him? I don't know, hate is a pretty strong word. Disgusted with him, yes, I think you are entitled to be that.

My son, age 40, has a similar situation going on with his Father right now. I divorced my son's Father when my son was 11 years old. You notice I call him MY son, not our son. At first, his Father would come pick him up for summers in Maine, call him, send him birthday gifts and cards. By the time my son was 13, all of these things stopped. He showed up for my son's high school graduation DRUNK but didn't ever make it down here for one football game my son played during his 4 years in high school nor did he attend one track meet my son participated in.

Occasionally I will ask my son if he has heard from his Father and he just rolls his eyes at me...it is now a taboo subject. He recognizes that they share similar DNA but that is about it. My theory...there are no do-overs in this life and you only get one real Father...acknowledge he is your father but don't feel compelled to bend over backwards for him.

Time to put this issue to rest and get on with your life. My son is doing just fine and he deals with the same feelings as you every day. It won't get better until you let go of all the anger. Good Luck
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2017, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top