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Old 06-13-2008, 08:31 AM
11,943 posts, read 17,441,020 times
Reputation: 6059


I hate my father.

Just because you are related to people does not mean you have to like them.
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Old 06-13-2008, 08:54 AM
Location: MA/NH
17,099 posts, read 34,524,599 times
Reputation: 16140
Originally Posted by Moth View Post
I hate my father.

Just because you are related to people does not mean you have to like them.
I agree! You can't pick your relatives but you can pick your friends. If you don't love your dad, then move on and don't include him in your life.

My exdad hasn't been in my life since I was in my early teens and I am 49 now. My stepdad is great and my two sisters and I are just fine without him in our lives. Basically, once my mom divorced him, he drifted out of our lives, He also was never asked to pay any child support. He only tried to reconnect with us once he and his second wife couldn't produce any children. Anyway, there is no magical bond between us.

Then boyfriend hates his dad for being an alcoholic and abusing his family both verbally and physically when he was married to his mother. His mom had to get a restraining order against his dad once she started the divorce proceedings. That order is still in effect to this day and it's been 10 years with both of them remarried. His dad has never acknowledged his alcoholism nor his abuse nor apologized for his behaviour. He is a self centered pr*ck that thinks his kids should love him despite his awful past actions. His dad's mom is trying to patch things up between them by sending my boyfriend emails telling him that he only has one father. She also refuses to understand her son's fault in the situation. My boyfriend just deletes her emails. Luckily they all live far away in FL.

Just keep your dad out of your life. Focus on the here and the future. Surround yourself only with non-toxic people and those that make you happy. I applaud your moral character and I understand why you are offended by your dad's history and the person he is. You can't change history or your dad, so just toss him out like the trash he is. Don't let him bring you down.
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Old 06-13-2008, 10:09 AM
Location: TX
5,412 posts, read 14,290,948 times
Reputation: 1700
I'm thankful for, grateful for, and love my father. I feel sorry for those of you who do not have a great relationship with yours.
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Old 06-13-2008, 09:36 PM
Location: Nashville,Tn
355 posts, read 2,493,234 times
Reputation: 261
This is the OP again. I would like to thank you all again for your advice and sharing some of your personal experiences. It is nice to know that there are other people who have issues with their fathers and relatives as well. I know this is not a good thing, but it is nice to know that I am not alone here. I am in the process of seeking professional help. I have a few freinds who see or have seen therapists and they have given me suggestions as to who to see about my issues.
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Old 06-14-2008, 02:59 PM
140 posts, read 362,477 times
Reputation: 321
Nashcash 23 I am so sorry to hear about your issues with your father. It's so difficult to get that negative loop (thought) of disapointment, resentment, and anger out of ones consciousness. Even though we talk ourselfs out of it, forgive ourselfs out of it, or any other advise one hears to get out of it. Logically we understand that we should let go of the crazy feelings we feel about childhood or any other dissapointments we have had but it's almost like an entity of it's own. We can talk to a therapist or read a book and get a little relief from that dreaded voice or thought in our head and then it seems to slide right back in and the tapes start all over again. I have had a very difficult chilhood and I understand those toxic tapes that go round and round. About 4 years ago I took a 3 day seminar where I learned how to settle those tapes down. I feel settled with my past. Not forgotten, but settled which I will gladly take. I don't think, obsess or even think about it on a regular basis. The foundation of this seminar was calming that little voice in the back of our heads that is always talking to us. We can control that voice and that is the voice that usually keeps us in that negative loop. That way you and you alone have the power to get settled with your issues. Things happen to us in life, they didn't not happen, however they happened when you were growing up. They are not happening now! Now it's you (all of us) who are keeping that negative experience alive on a day to day basis when it happened many years ago in your childhood. One example of calming those voices of mine was being molested at the age of 5 through 8. I carried those damn tapes of being shamefull, scared, etc. (I'm sure anyone whose has been molested can relate, theres a lot of us out there) around with me like that was who I was. No, that is not who I am. Someone thouched me when I was little, It didn't even necessarily feel bad but I knew even at age 5 that it was wrong and shameful. Someone touched and violated my body, thats what happened, It didn't not happen. Well my little voice went into high gear on how shameful, tainted, (the adj. could go on and on) a little girl I was. I wasn't those things (adj.) I was still the same innocent little girl I was before I was molested. But I and I alone kept those tapes rolling around my head year after year. I had essentially made a story up in my head on how damaged I was, I believed that story, but it was only a story. I had the power to realize that something happened, shouldn't have happened, it happened many years before, But it was me who kept this ficional story looping in my consciousness, and I had the power to crush that thought because I had made it up. I was never damaged! I have quieted that stupid voice in many other areas of my life as well and can say that I am settled with them. I hope this makes some sense to you (and doesn't come across as crazy) I wish for you a very Happy and Settled life!
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Old 06-14-2008, 05:02 PM
Location: Fresno, CA
1,071 posts, read 1,053,580 times
Reputation: 1980
An expression which helped me put a negative, destructive relationship in perspective is
"Don't go to an empty well for water."

One could also say "Don't go to a toxic well for water."

Your dad is a toxic well. He may still be a part of your and your mother's life but you both now know your dad is a toxic person and not to be counted on. You didn't choose to bring him into your life but you can choose not to place any expectation of trust in or dependence on him. An empty or toxic well will never provide what you need no matter how much you want or seek it.
If he judges or criticizes you or your choices, set boundaries. The good part of being an adult is you no longer have to hear him out. You can calmly say to him, "Dad, before you judge my choices too harshly, you might want to take a really good long hard look at those you've made in your own life (and how they've affected other people). After you've had time to think about it, I'd be interested to know what your honest evaluation is." And leave.

If you haven't discussed issues unemotionally with your dad, you might try writing him a letter. Keep it to two pages. That will make you think about the things that are most important to say. Sleep on it for two days, reread it and if you feel like it you can give or send the letter to your dad. It won't change who he is but it will give you a chance to express yourself to him in a way that isn't overshadowed or muddied by argument or defensiveness.

I applaud you for seeking professional help. Find a therapist with a good reputation who is a good match for your personality. It takes awhile to work through deep core issues like this but with good support and learning you'll find much less painful, confusing ways of coping with what life handed you. Everybody's got stuff. It's just learning how to deal.
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Old 06-14-2008, 05:10 PM
Location: Colorado
720 posts, read 2,963,222 times
Reputation: 933
I hated my father. He wasn't my "real" father as I'm adopted. He was abusive - emotionally and worst of all, sexually. I hated him until the day he died, ten years ago. I didn't go to his funeral. I have never visited his grave.

I forgave him for what he did to me though. But I will say, it was a lot easier to forgive him after he died and was no longer in my life.

To the OP, I'm sorry you are feeling such pain because of a toxic parent. Forgiveness doesn't mean saying what they did was ok but that you won't hold on to it and let it have power over you anymore.
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Old 06-14-2008, 05:36 PM
389 posts, read 1,833,186 times
Reputation: 185
wow. the other poster's experiences with their fathers are a lot worst than the OPs. makes me reflect on my relationship with my own father. i dont hate him, i just bear a grudge.. but seeing how horrible some poster's abusive past with their fathers makes me feel ashamed of myself. coz my father has been a very good one. very responsible, took care of my mom when she was suffering from cancer until she passed away. i told myself that i will try to have closer relationship with my father coz my mom died and i felt like we didn't have a good relationship. i can only count in my fingers the times we have times together. and i really regret it. but i dont know why at the rare times that me and my father see each other why i cant tell him what i want to say, like i love him. or i didnt even thank him when he bought me a used car. things like that. maybe coz he remarried. i dont know but thanks for this thread, i hope i will do what i told myself to do when my mom passed away, thats to take care of my father and have a meaningful close relationship with him as it should have been from the very start. coz i dont wanna regret again.
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Old 06-14-2008, 05:58 PM
216 posts, read 532,449 times
Reputation: 78
This story reminded of an amazing story I saw at a YouTube video.
He said something interesting in the end. He writes, "Forgiving those who hurt you is one thing, but loving them is something quite different"

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Old 06-14-2008, 06:12 PM
25,165 posts, read 48,307,929 times
Reputation: 6957
Since we are all talking about fathers I will say that I don't talk too much at all to my dad. He is a moody person. One week he is fun and easy going. Another week he is very negative, depressive, and could explode with rage when you least expect it. After years of that non-sense, I decided not to be too close to him. Other family members have made the same decisions.

Him and I are still friendly in terms of giving each other gifts and notes for the holidays, birthdays, and during father's day. So at least there is some good connection. Also I choose to remember the good times I had with my Dad, and how his sense of humor helped me during very stressful times in my own life, and not focus on his negative and selfish bickering and out of control rudeness.
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