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Old 06-19-2008, 08:34 PM
 
Location: Silver Springs, FL
23,443 posts, read 17,641,807 times
Reputation: 15560

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Be the grown-up in this relationship, and make the first move. It could well be that your father is so ashamed of his past actions that he feels paralyzed now.
If he blows you off, at least you know you tried.
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Old 06-19-2008, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Oxford, OH
1,463 posts, read 2,344,675 times
Reputation: 815
Beth56 I agree and have the same story.
So sad that the kids seem to lose in all of this.
My ex and I split, he didn't pay child support for years and you know how much help you get on that from the courts!
He left for CA and didn't see his three kids from Jr. High through college. I remarried someone my kids just loved. He was there for them and supported them. He put all of them through college!! They didn't call him Dad which was all right with him.
But even though I felt we did everything to emotinally support my kids there was this hole in their hearts. Somehow that hole can only be filled by that missing parent.
After all of these years. Those kids are 37, 30 and 28, my ex has reconnected with all of them and they all seem to have forgiven him. I think they want and need that relationship so much they are willing to overlooks the past. Of course I don't feel quite the same way..LOL but I have come to understand how each one of them feels. Even on Father's Day they all still write their step-dad and thank him for all he has done for them.
Maybe that's where forgiveness and grace comes in....
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Old 06-19-2008, 08:55 PM
 
Location: Silver Springs, FL
23,443 posts, read 17,641,807 times
Reputation: 15560
Yes! sometimes it isnt all about us, its what they need, and thats where maturity steps in.....
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Old 06-19-2008, 09:06 PM
 
Location: California
2,058 posts, read 5,649,231 times
Reputation: 2832
Quote:
Originally Posted by kshe95girl View Post
Be the grown-up in this relationship, and make the first move. It could well be that your father is so ashamed of his past actions that he feels paralyzed now.
If he blows you off, at least you know you tried.
Perhaps, but it doesn't alway work out how we want. My son tried many times. His father still blew it off. Was his father ashamed? Yeah. Did it make any difference? No.

I just hate to see anyone go through such emotional pain. At some point, you must let go and accept what is. No fault of yours at all. You were a child. And, your father the adult. He may not be acting as one, but he is the adult.

Sometimes, we never find out why. It just is, and we need to be able to move forward without knowing the answer. Good luck to you.
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Old 06-19-2008, 09:13 PM
 
25,170 posts, read 34,023,469 times
Reputation: 6701
Do some healing work with a life coach or counselor.

Then do some volunteering with kids at a shelter, church, or big brother.

Be available for those who have had it worse. You will heal yourself in the process and spread goodness to others.

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Old 06-19-2008, 09:13 PM
 
Location: California
2,058 posts, read 5,649,231 times
Reputation: 2832
Quote:
Originally Posted by driftwoodpoint View Post
Beth56 I agree and have the same story.
So sad that the kids seem to lose in all of this.
My ex and I split, he didn't pay child support for years and you know how much help you get on that from the courts!
He left for CA and didn't see his three kids from Jr. High through college. I remarried someone my kids just loved. He was there for them and supported them. He put all of them through college!! They didn't call him Dad which was all right with him.
But even though I felt we did everything to emotinally support my kids there was this hole in their hearts. Somehow that hole can only be filled by that missing parent.
After all of these years. Those kids are 37, 30 and 28, my ex has reconnected with all of them and they all seem to have forgiven him. I think they want and need that relationship so much they are willing to overlooks the past. Of course I don't feel quite the same way..LOL but I have come to understand how each one of them feels. Even on Father's Day they all still write their step-dad and thank him for all he has done for them.
Maybe that's where forgiveness and grace comes in....
Your story touched my heart. Yes, we have similar situations. I understand. My son has moved forward. He would love to have a relationship with his father, but it has been difficult. I think he would forgive him. He justs wants to be something in his eyes. He has taken things personally and you know it really doesn't have anything to do with him. His dad is only concerned with himself. I can't stand to hear him speak of him, but keep my silence. It seems we all need all parents love.

Thank goodness for your husband. Now that's a man to be proud of. I hope he is beaming with pride for the way he has raised your children. You are a very lucky woman.
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Old 06-19-2008, 09:17 PM
 
Location: California
2,058 posts, read 5,649,231 times
Reputation: 2832
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
I tell them " I mourn the loss of the dream of the mother I never had, but not my actual mother."
Excellent!!! A rep for you.
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Old 06-19-2008, 09:20 PM
 
Location: Silver Springs, FL
23,443 posts, read 17,641,807 times
Reputation: 15560
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth56 View Post
Perhaps, but it doesn't alway work out how we want. My son tried many times. His father still blew it off. Was his father ashamed? Yeah. Did it make any difference? No.

I just hate to see anyone go through such emotional pain. At some point, you must let go and accept what is. No fault of yours at all. You were a child. And, your father the adult. He may not be acting as one, but he is the adult.

Sometimes, we never find out why. It just is, and we need to be able to move forward without knowing the answer. Good luck to you.
I understand what you are saying, totally, but the OP needs to make the effort.
There is no growth without pain, unfortunately, however much we might wish to avoid it.
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Old 06-19-2008, 09:31 PM
 
Location: California
2,058 posts, read 5,649,231 times
Reputation: 2832
Quote:
Originally Posted by kshe95girl View Post
I understand what you are saying, totally, but the OP needs to make the effort.
There is no growth without pain, unfortunately, however much we might wish to avoid it.
Sorry, I don't agree that she must be the one to make the effort. Parental abandonment is a huge issue, something everyone may not understand. The parent is the one responsible here and is the one that needs to make the effort.
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Old 06-19-2008, 09:47 PM
 
25,170 posts, read 34,023,469 times
Reputation: 6701
Yes. And growth doesn't always involve pain. That is absurd. You should feel better about yourself when you "grow"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beth56 View Post
Sorry, I don't agree that she must be the one to make the effort. Parental abandonment is a huge issue, something everyone may not understand. The parent is the one responsible here and is the one that needs to make the effort.
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