whats wrong with me [dad issues] (wife, female, male, divorced)

[therewego]

Originally Posted by mrstewart

I will not bore you with the details but I am estranged from my mother and people are always asking me " Don't you miss your mother?".

I tell them " I mourn the loss of the dream of the mother I never had, but not my actual mother."

It is normal to want a relatioinship with your father but always remember who he is and that will not change. Try not to expect more from him than what you know he can deliver.

Best of luck to you. I am sorry you are dealing with this kind of pain.

I like what mrstewart said above. Also, I will have to give the OP lots of credit for wanting to face his father...it may not lead to a "relationship" but at least he may get some answers and I think that is what he is looking for: answers. When becoming parents, we also think of the relationship our parents would have w/one's children as grandparents. I remember my own father was not that "soft" with us but the day he took my nephew to McDonald's he told me he is the grandfather and can do that. I would say to the OP to try to get what you need from your father but do not expect too much. And do it before it is too late, life is too short; I wish my parents had been alive to meet my children. Good luck.

[sun]

Originally Posted by kshe95girl

Be the grown-up in this relationship, and make the first move. It could well be that your father is so ashamed of his past actions that he feels paralyzed now.
If he blows you off, at least you know you tried.

I agree that there may be a slight chance that he feels guilty inside and doesn't quite know how to mend the relationship. If you do contact him, at least there's that chance that things could work out and something positive could result. Time has a way of healing wounds.
If it doesn't work out, understand that it's not your loss, it's his. But at least you could plant a seed of hope for another point even further in the future by letting him know that the door is always open if he changes his mind.
Maybe he just can't forgive himself yet, but then maybe he will once he knows that you've forgiven him. Try to remain optimistic about it unless you find out otherwise.

[mrstewart]

If you make contact with your father please tread lightly in the beginning. I am so concerned that you will expect more from him than what he is capable of giving.

My mother took off when I was young and played the back and forth game for years. Even after she came back she refused to answer my questions about her departure and the reasons for her hurtful actions. She knew that the truth was the only thing that could set me free emotionally and she was the only one that could give me that peace. But she still refused to grant the request.

I tried to get past the yearning for the apology and answers I needed, but there was always an expectation of this gift being delivered. It never came.

Please be very cautious. You truly do not know him very well and he may not have your best interest at heart. I hope your situation is different than mine and he wants to be the person he couldn't/wouldn't be when you were young.

[itlchick]

You know, your father sounds like a jerk.

But nonetheless, seems like you need to go through a process to figure out if there is any chance for a relationship. Yes, it *should* be him that calls, but let's face it- that ain't gonna happen.

Call him. Spend time over there. He'll either be receptive and you can forgive him and gain some healing or he'll be a jerk, and then you'll know you tried.

Sad, sad, making their kids pay for their selfishness and immaturity.

[artsyguy]

go out for some beers and jello shots...

[Chowhound]

Originally Posted by artsyguy

go out for some beers and jello shots...

Amen

[kshe95girl]

Originally Posted by artsyguy

go out for some beers and jello shots...

sometimes, its not what about what you say, its what about what you do........

[mrstewart]

There are times when life requires a bit more attention than self medication techniques...

[artsyguy]

haha you are funny.

Originally Posted by mrstewart

There are times when life requires a bit more attention than self medication techniques...

[Drover]

Originally Posted by mrstewart

There are times when life requires a bit more attention than self medication techniques...

And then there are times when self-medication really hits the spot.

Anyway, I'm with kshe95 on this one. He may simply be so embarrassed and ashamed that he doesn't think it within his rights to try to reach out to you. The only way to find out is to make the first move. If it turns out he's still an unrepentant creep, then you'll know you're better off not having this poisonous man in you or your kid's life.

And it strikes me that you're hesitant because you're afraid of precisely that outcome. Only you can decide if it's worth the risk of killing the "father fantasy" for good to find out if a relationship is possible. But frankly, the fantasy is pointless if you don't at least try to make it a reality.