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Old 06-19-2008, 02:53 PM
 
Location: el paso texas
2,625 posts, read 10,042,593 times
Reputation: 1848

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Basically....my dad, cheated on my mom with the family maid, my mom left him, when i was 3 yrs old. Up until i was 7, i would visit him occassionaly, but then i started feeling uncomfortable, so after 7, i told my mom, that i didnt want to go anymore. My mom, never pushed it on me, for me to visit him, [probably better for her] but then....my dad never made an effort to visit me either, my grandparents house was like 3 blocks away, and he never made an effort. After i grew up, i didnt care about the relationship, i was a teen, and i had my own "issues"to deal with. I remember one time, when i was 24, we went to court, for backpay on child support, because he never gave my mom a red cent. I was sitting there, he was across me, and he didnt even have the courtesy to shake my hand or ask how i was doing. This happened again, when i was 28, and again nothing! Not even a simple nod, nothing!!! After that, i was like "F*ck my dad!" i was pissed!!! As i had kids, weirdly i started craving a relationship w/him, i was willing to forgive him, for never giving a crap about me, dont ask me why, cuz to this day i still dont know. As i get older, i still wish, to have a relationship with him, it just bothers me, that he has never made an effort to start a relationship w/me. He know where to find me, he knows where i work. Why do you think, i want to have a relationship, with somebody who never gave a crap about me. Am i crazy? What is wrong with me? Is it wrong for me to be looking for him?
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Old 06-19-2008, 03:05 PM
 
Location: In a delirium
2,588 posts, read 4,846,745 times
Reputation: 1374
There is nothing wrong with you for still wanting to have a relationship. The need and desire to have a relationship with a parent is a very strong, normal, natural urge. And, having children does make one crave closer ties with one's family. So, please don't think you are crazy. Rather, he is crazy for not wanting that relationship with you. Simply put, some people should never be parents and he, unfortunately for you, is one of them. If you attempt again to establish a relationship with him, do be wary of expecting too much. I hope you have a happy ending with this. Best of luck to you!
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Old 06-19-2008, 03:11 PM
 
2,633 posts, read 4,445,946 times
Reputation: 586
Well we are genetically predisposed and socially conditioned to want a relationship with our families, seeing your post I can't help but feel that its a swallowing your pride type of issue. You and your dad are both adults so if both of you are willing to leave the past behind, i really don't see why not. If he turns out to be unwilling then theres really nothing you can do.
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Old 06-19-2008, 03:48 PM
 
542 posts, read 1,506,551 times
Reputation: 303
Quote:
Originally Posted by LEVOW View Post
Basically....my dad, cheated on my mom with the family maid, my mom left him, when i was 3 yrs old. Up until i was 7, i would visit him occassionaly, but then i started feeling uncomfortable, so after 7, i told my mom, that i didnt want to go anymore. My mom, never pushed it on me, for me to visit him, [probably better for her] but then....my dad never made an effort to visit me either, my grandparents house was like 3 blocks away, and he never made an effort. After i grew up, i didnt care about the relationship, i was a teen, and i had my own "issues"to deal with. I remember one time, when i was 24, we went to court, for backpay on child support, because he never gave my mom a red cent. I was sitting there, he was across me, and he didnt even have the courtesy to shake my hand or ask how i was doing. This happened again, when i was 28, and again nothing! Not even a simple nod, nothing!!! After that, i was like "F*ck my dad!" i was pissed!!! As i had kids, weirdly i started craving a relationship w/him, i was willing to forgive him, for never giving a crap about me, dont ask me why, cuz to this day i still dont know. As i get older, i still wish, to have a relationship with him, it just bothers me, that he has never made an effort to start a relationship w/me. He know where to find me, he knows where i work. Why do you think, i want to have a relationship, with somebody who never gave a crap about me. Am i crazy? What is wrong with me? Is it wrong for me to be looking for him?
I can totally understand this. What I am reading in your post though is that you are waiting/expecting your dad to make the first move and you are disappointed he hasn't. It IS okay for you to make the first effort, even if he should be the one doing so. Go after what you want but be sure you have realistic expectations. You may not have a close relationship, maybe just a superficial "how are you, how's the weather" one.

I wish you the best of luck!
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Old 06-19-2008, 04:07 PM
 
2,222 posts, read 9,124,534 times
Reputation: 3225
Quote:
Originally Posted by LEVOW View Post
Basically....my dad, cheated on my mom with the family maid, my mom left him, when i was 3 yrs old. Up until i was 7, i would visit him occassionaly, but then i started feeling uncomfortable, so after 7, i told my mom, that i didnt want to go anymore. My mom, never pushed it on me, for me to visit him, [probably better for her] but then....my dad never made an effort to visit me either, my grandparents house was like 3 blocks away, and he never made an effort. After i grew up, i didnt care about the relationship, i was a teen, and i had my own "issues"to deal with. I remember one time, when i was 24, we went to court, for backpay on child support, because he never gave my mom a red cent. I was sitting there, he was across me, and he didnt even have the courtesy to shake my hand or ask how i was doing. This happened again, when i was 28, and again nothing! Not even a simple nod, nothing!!! After that, i was like "F*ck my dad!" i was pissed!!! As i had kids, weirdly i started craving a relationship w/him, i was willing to forgive him, for never giving a crap about me, dont ask me why, cuz to this day i still dont know. As i get older, i still wish, to have a relationship with him, it just bothers me, that he has never made an effort to start a relationship w/me. He know where to find me, he knows where i work. Why do you think, i want to have a relationship, with somebody who never gave a crap about me. Am i crazy? What is wrong with me? Is it wrong for me to be looking for him?
Your post could have been written by my son. My ex-husband and I split up when my son was 8. His father never tried to see him or even send a birthday card, let alone child support. My son saw his father on several occasions, but the relationship never blossomed. Even after a grandchild was born, his father showed no interest in either of them. He never calls or writes, or keeps in contact. I will never understand this, ever. I think a previous poster is right. Some people should never become parents. I know it's hard to understand, but you just can't make someone something they aren't. Go forward with your life. If he wanted to contact you, he would have by now. Very sad, your dad's missing something wonderful.

Always remember, this has nothing to do with you. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You did not do anything to deserve this. This has everything to do with your father and your father only. He's a fool. Enough said.
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Old 06-19-2008, 05:10 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,186,501 times
Reputation: 7378
I will not bore you with the details but I am estranged from my mother and people are always asking me " Don't you miss your mother?".

I tell them " I mourn the loss of the dream of the mother I never had, but not my actual mother."

It is normal to want a relatioinship with your father but always remember who he is and that will not change. Try not to expect more from him than what you know he can deliver.

Best of luck to you. I am sorry you are dealing with this kind of pain.

Last edited by mrstewart; 06-19-2008 at 05:10 PM.. Reason: poor spelling!
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Old 06-19-2008, 05:17 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,837 posts, read 77,036,306 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
I tell them " I mourn the loss of the dream of the mother I never had, but not my actual mother."
Very well said and so true in any break-up.
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Old 06-19-2008, 05:24 PM
 
25,165 posts, read 47,262,456 times
Reputation: 6942
you didn't want to have a relationship with him when you were a kid.

That is why.
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Old 06-19-2008, 05:33 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,186,501 times
Reputation: 7378
Parents are expected to be the adults in a relationship and act in a responsible manner, not the children. Parents are here to guide children through life by being good role models...is it any wonder the OP did not want to spend time with him??

Also, the OP was 7 years old at the time. Do you actually think it was somehow the OP's fault for the demise of the relationship at that age? This was an adult situation that a child was expected to behave appropriately in? Hmmmmmmmm.......... still hashes out to her dad being a deadbeat, not her being a jerky kid!







Quote:
Originally Posted by artsyguy View Post
you didn't want to have a relationship with him when you were a kid.

That is why.
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Old 06-19-2008, 07:28 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,664,391 times
Reputation: 14495
Quote:
Originally Posted by LEVOW View Post
Basically....my dad, cheated on my mom with the family maid, my mom left him, when i was 3 yrs old. Up until i was 7, i would visit him occassionaly, but then i started feeling uncomfortable, so after 7, i told my mom, that i didnt want to go anymore. My mom, never pushed it on me, for me to visit him, [probably better for her] but then....my dad never made an effort to visit me either, my grandparents house was like 3 blocks away, and he never made an effort. After i grew up, i didnt care about the relationship, i was a teen, and i had my own "issues"to deal with. I remember one time, when i was 24, we went to court, for backpay on child support, because he never gave my mom a red cent. I was sitting there, he was across me, and he didnt even have the courtesy to shake my hand or ask how i was doing. This happened again, when i was 28, and again nothing! Not even a simple nod, nothing!!! After that, i was like "F*ck my dad!" i was pissed!!! As i had kids, weirdly i started craving a relationship w/him, i was willing to forgive him, for never giving a crap about me, dont ask me why, cuz to this day i still dont know. As i get older, i still wish, to have a relationship with him, it just bothers me, that he has never made an effort to start a relationship w/me. He know where to find me, he knows where i work. Why do you think, i want to have a relationship, with somebody who never gave a crap about me. Am i crazy? What is wrong with me? Is it wrong for me to be looking for him?
You don't really want a relationship with HIM. You want the father you never had. Every child wants their parents to want them and it hurts if one doesn't. You want what was denied you. Since you only get one father, in order to have it, you'd have to have a relationship with him. Even though your mad at him. Hence your struggle.

I can relate as my father hardly visited and faught with my mother over chld support (he paid next do nothing and thought it was too much ). He refused to help me with college in spite of making good money. My father was bi-polar though so in time, I came to terms with him and his disease. That would be hard to do if it turns out dad is just a jerk. Which you'll find offensive that I said that because you don't want your dad to be a jerk. You want what every little girl wants. To be daddy's princess. To have your father give you away. To have him spoil your kids. You want the dream.
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