What do you think of people who can't give or reach out??? (wife, girlfriend)

[jlady]

I feel like I don't do what everyone else does to keep relationships going. I feel different than most people and really can't connect in a way I think I should.

I have always have had a level of discomfort with people and generally think I am unloveable on a certain level because of my inability to feel connected or connect with most people.

For example I don't send birthday cards, or call for birthdays, I don't call for any holidays, if I get a christmas card, I will send one back (no gifts either). If my husbands family calls unless I answer the phone, I don't talk to them. The only exception to this is my mother and father (mom expects calls/cards so I do it, dad gets a call). This is the area where I feel unloveable, I can just imagine people saying she never calls, sends gifts, etc, (and rightly so), so I bear up expecting to not be liked because of it (and then retreat).

I am 47 female, married for 14 years. Before I was married I always have had at least 1 good friend who I saw regularly (usually 1x a week or more???). Since I have been married it has been real hard for me to establish any social female friendships over the years.

By the way I don't have any of these feelings with my husband and feel we have a good relationship. We are not big on exchanging gifts or making a big deal about holidays/birthdays, a simple verble happy birthday is ok with both of us.

I feel I am a one person -- person and don't have time/or inclination for others than my husband. The few friends I have had over the years, I will call maybe every 3 - 6 months and of course things never get going.

My mother and father are both extroverts and have many friends, and I have always ridden on there coattails, didn't have to do a thing. Just be there. I am more of an introvert and maybe the reason I feel so different is because of my parents?? My husband is just like me and doesn't have any friends either, so I can't ride on his coattails, but he is perfectly happy and comfortable in his own skin.

The conflict is I would like to have at least one female friend but don't know how to have one and have a husband. (I know that sounds wierd).

I think down deep I know when I meet a potential friend, I am not going to put the effort in to keep it going, now if they put the effort in initially, I will recipricate back (at least more than if it were me starting it). But on my own I will call/email maybe 1x every 3 months or so???

Now the good parts of me are ... I am nice, funny and am generally friendly when I am around people. It is the getting around them is the issue.

Interesting thing is we own a business and I feel completely comfortable with my customers but I think it is because they came to me. I didn't have to reach out to them, and they keep coming back!!

Can anyone relate?? Or better if you are not like this but know people like this..what do you think of them???

As I am writing this, my main concern is what do people think of people like me, I know we are out there!!!

[Chowhound]

Just accept that is who you are. I've always been shy and hated it, but as I get older I'm starting to accept that's just how I'm wired. You sound like a hardcore introvert. There is nothing wrong with that. My girlfriend sounds alot like you. In social settings it physically drains her to have to be social for an extended time.

Take the Myers-Briggs personality profile. You might score INFJ possibly.

Long story short, don't sweat it.

It reminds me of what Anthony Hopkins said one time. He was talking about the worlds shortest prayer.

"F@@@ it."

[eastidahomom]

Originally Posted by Chowhound

Just accept that is who you are. I've always been shy and hated it, but as I get older I'm starting to accept that's just how I'm wired. You sound like a hardcore introvert. There is nothing wrong with that. My girlfriend sounds alot like you. In social settings it physically drains her to have to be social for an extended time.

Take the Myers-Briggs personality profile. You might score INFJ possibly.

Long story short, don't sweat it.

It reminds me of what Anthony Hopkins said one time. He was talking about the worlds shortest prayer.

"F@@@ it."

I'm with you. I'm not one to seek people out. Usually friendships are based on other's seeking me out. Not because I don't want friends but because I've always been somewhat shy about making them. The other thing is that I like my space...... a LOT! My children have always said that if I remarry, I need someone who travels a lot.

Coming from a family with many extroverted people, I'm usually associated with them. "Oh you're so and so's mom!". I don't mind that at all, in fact, usually get a chuckle out of it.

People are people and we're all different.

[therewego]

Jlady, I know how you feel. The thing is I try to send cards, call, give gifts, but it does not get reciprocated so I get hurt. Like you, I felt I did not seem to connect with people until I stopped caring so much about it. It was then that I met 2 good friends. Still, I know they do much more stuff with other friends but when they are with me, we do have fun and talk. The other thing is my husband is my best friend. Many women do not have that and things are uneven when we get to a point in the conversation where they bash their hubbies and I do not partake in that kind of conversation.

[Driller1]

Originally Posted by jlady

I feel like I don't do what everyone else does to keep relationships going. I feel different than most people and really can't connect in a way I think I should.

I have always have had a level of discomfort with people and generally think I am unloveable on a certain level because of my inability to feel connected or connect with most people.

For example I don't send birthday cards, or call for birthdays, I don't call for any holidays, if I get a christmas card, I will send one back (no gifts either). If my husbands family calls unless I answer the phone, I don't talk to them. The only exception to this is my mother and father (mom expects calls/cards so I do it, dad gets a call). This is the area where I feel unloveable, I can just imagine people saying she never calls, sends gifts, etc, (and rightly so), so I bear up expecting to not be liked because of it (and then retreat).

I am 47 female, married for 14 years. Before I was married I always have had at least 1 good friend who I saw regularly (usually 1x a week or more???). Since I have been married it has been real hard for me to establish any social female friendships over the years.

By the way I don't have any of these feelings with my husband and feel we have a good relationship. We are not big on exchanging gifts or making a big deal about holidays/birthdays, a simple verble happy birthday is ok with both of us.

I feel I am a one person -- person and don't have time/or inclination for others than my husband. The few friends I have had over the years, I will call maybe every 3 - 6 months and of course things never get going.

My mother and father are both extroverts and have many friends, and I have always ridden on there coattails, didn't have to do a thing. Just be there. I am more of an introvert and maybe the reason I feel so different is because of my parents?? My husband is just like me and doesn't have any friends either, so I can't ride on his coattails, but he is perfectly happy and comfortable in his own skin.

The conflict is I would like to have at least one female friend but don't know how to have one and have a husband. (I know that sounds wierd).

I think down deep I know when I meet a potential friend, I am not going to put the effort in to keep it going, now if they put the effort in initially, I will recipricate back (at least more than if it were me starting it). But on my own I will call/email maybe 1x every 3 months or so???

Now the good parts of me are ... I am nice, funny and am generally friendly when I am around people. It is the getting around them is the issue.

Interesting thing is we own a business and I feel completely comfortable with my customers but I think it is because they came to me. I didn't have to reach out to them, and they keep coming back!!

Can anyone relate?? Or better if you are not like this but know people like this..what do you think of them???

As I am writing this, my main concern is what do people think of people like me, I know we are out there!!!

I can relate!!! I have a business, it makes for VERY intense short relationships. They have water problems, they panic, I fix it. I send all of my customers Christmas cards. Then I am to tried to do much more. Many times people are surprised I have a husband.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by therewego

Jlady, I know how you feel. The thing is I try to send cards, call, give gifts, but it does not get reciprocated so I get hurt.

I used to do this, too, a lot. Then it started slowing down. Various factors played a role. Some of it, if not good 50% is my own fault. Drifted apart from friends back home, which is understandable. The few friends I had here moved. Definitely don't have a girlfriend of the capacity I'd like at this time here. That's probably not gonna change at this time of my life. It's too late. Such relations need time to grow and mature and ideally start when you're very young and later you have the shared history and understanding that comes with it. C’est la vie. We all pay a heavy price for the dumb decisions we've made.

[ExPit]

jlady, I think I know how you feel. My father was a glad-hander, a guy who went out of his way to be popular, depended on it, let it define him, mostly as a result of his profession (he was a semi-celebrity), and his personality, which was conducive to his celebrity.

When I was a kid and into my young adulthood I was just like him, had a lot of friends, more than I knew what to do with, had no trouble doing the smiling, surface thing, if that's what everybody wanted. But as I grew older and became my own man, someone who wanted to conduct themselves by his own standards and no one else's, I became more discriminating and honest in my social choices and practices. It sounds so scientific the way I'm describing it, but it was just more if I was invited somewhere or something was expected of me, if I wanted to oblige, if I wanted to attend, I did, and if I didn't, I just didn't. What happened of course was my circle became smaller but more meaningful, and that actually works better for me, because now I can count on one hand the things I do that I don't want to do, and these are almost always for the people I can count on the other hand that I deem worthy to put before me, kids, wife, a few relatives and close friends. The cold truth of it is most people are more trouble than they're worth. Most people are very good at taking, but not so good at the giving thing. Human nature, I guess.

The only thing I would caution you on is to try to be honest with yourself as to what brought you to choose this kind of life. I have met some people who are so fearful, so clogged-up emotionally, they are virtually unable to open up and give. Usually they've been hurt deeply, and often were not so strong to begin with; it's funny how two people can go through identical things in life and come out in opposite ways. But if you truly feel that your choices are ones of preference, coming from strength and self-awareness not weakness and fear, then count yourself amongst the evolved, and don't let the world ever tell you otherwise. Many things test our resolve, and it is then up to us to stand strong, but resolve is only worthwhile when it's righteous. Otherwise it is just stubbornly wrong-minded.

From your post you seem to have two of the prerequisites for a meaningful deliberate life, intelligence and strength, so stick to your guns, once you're sure of your aim.

[TKramar]

Originally Posted by jlady

I feel like I don't do what everyone else does to keep relationships going. I feel different than most people and really can't connect in a way I think I should.

I have always have had a level of discomfort with people and generally think I am unloveable on a certain level because of my inability to feel connected or connect with most people.

For example I don't send birthday cards, or call for birthdays, I don't call for any holidays, if I get a christmas card, I will send one back (no gifts either). If my husbands family calls unless I answer the phone, I don't talk to them. The only exception to this is my mother and father (mom expects calls/cards so I do it, dad gets a call). This is the area where I feel unloveable, I can just imagine people saying she never calls, sends gifts, etc, (and rightly so), so I bear up expecting to not be liked because of it (and then retreat).

I am 47 female, married for 14 years. Before I was married I always have had at least 1 good friend who I saw regularly (usually 1x a week or more???). Since I have been married it has been real hard for me to establish any social female friendships over the years.

By the way I don't have any of these feelings with my husband and feel we have a good relationship. We are not big on exchanging gifts or making a big deal about holidays/birthdays, a simple verble happy birthday is ok with both of us.

I feel I am a one person -- person and don't have time/or inclination for others than my husband. The few friends I have had over the years, I will call maybe every 3 - 6 months and of course things never get going.

My mother and father are both extroverts and have many friends, and I have always ridden on there coattails, didn't have to do a thing. Just be there. I am more of an introvert and maybe the reason I feel so different is because of my parents?? My husband is just like me and doesn't have any friends either, so I can't ride on his coattails, but he is perfectly happy and comfortable in his own skin.

The conflict is I would like to have at least one female friend but don't know how to have one and have a husband. (I know that sounds wierd).

I think down deep I know when I meet a potential friend, I am not going to put the effort in to keep it going, now if they put the effort in initially, I will recipricate back (at least more than if it were me starting it). But on my own I will call/email maybe 1x every 3 months or so???

Now the good parts of me are ... I am nice, funny and am generally friendly when I am around people. It is the getting around them is the issue.

Interesting thing is we own a business and I feel completely comfortable with my customers but I think it is because they came to me. I didn't have to reach out to them, and they keep coming back!!

Can anyone relate?? Or better if you are not like this but know people like this..what do you think of them???

As I am writing this, my main concern is what do people think of people like me, I know we are out there!!!

Sounds familiar.

I consider myself "shy"--but I've been told, "If you can get up on a stage and sing karaoke, you're NOT shy!" And I do...but I don't do it for other people, I'm not thinking about the other people in the room, I'm just doing it for the love of music.

I can't connect to other people. When I was doing karaoke every week, I got to know the regulars by name. Doesn't mean I sat at their tables, or shared drinks with them. Didn't hardly ever see them outside the karaoke place...even when they knew where I worked at. I don't "connect"...so I know how it is.