U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-15-2008, 08:11 AM
 
3,566 posts, read 4,621,689 times
Reputation: 1851

Advertisements

How cool is that? Good on you!!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-15-2008, 08:23 AM
 
Location: Florida
7,269 posts, read 9,420,059 times
Reputation: 6015
Thanks everyone!

I do want to wipe out the adoption and put everything back to its original state, and even though I have no more to do with my adopted parents - wouldn't I be kicking my other family in the knee??...You know, like my aunts and uncles (who all know about this and are happy for me), - *would it be kicking them in the pants indirectly??* - like implying that I don't love them anymore, because I do love them very much. If I clear the adoption, am I denying them too??? Would it be an insult? They will always be my family and a very important part of mine and my sons life, as they always have been. I love them entirely.

The part that has my mind so messed up. . . since my bio family is back, it almost feels like it nulls and voids out my adoptive family being "FAMILY." Make sense?? And I know the answer to that, it's untrue. One does not have to be blood to be family. But it still *feels* that way. I can feel my loyalties shifting...and it's the most unusual feeling. Those who are Aunts and Uncles here on the board, how would you feel if your Niece, who is also your God Child, decided she wanted to null and void out an adoption and take back her birth name (providing she no longer spoke to her parent, your sibling)? Would you feel like she was going to forget you, would you feel scared of it?

For some reason, this feels like more of a divorce than I actually went through. More large, way more extreme...

I have much on my mind, but I am also very concerned about adoptive family members feelings (not my ex-mom and ex-dad's feelings tho') Am I being too cavalier in worrying about others feelings and maybe not enough of my own?? What would some of you do or explore in my situation?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-15-2008, 08:36 AM
 
Location: Florida
7,269 posts, read 9,420,059 times
Reputation: 6015
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raggy dee Ann View Post
Okay so it took 4 paragraphs to tell us the reason why you were giving us the abridged version
I know, right....
And my being a DORK like that surprises anyone?!

How did your ex handle the transition? Meaning, was any of it boggling to him?

It's funny how you can ALWAYS think a reunion will be "like this" or "like that" if it ever happens. . .

It's NOTHING like in the daydream fantasies.

I do know one person that this will rip apart inside though and I have NO idea why I am sensitive to it, but my mom. I remember how much it REALLY bugged her when I was a teen and in my 20's when I talked about my real mom or about finding her. To the point her eyes would water and she would tear saying, SHE was my real mom, not the woman who gave me up...because she was the one who stayed awake with me when I was sick and bathed me, etc. ---I feel like *I* am betraying, even when I cannot deal with her and don't. Then again, after a year almost of not talking, she would not even care of she found out. I mean, what sort of woman goes almost a year not talking to her daughter and grandson, right?? We used to be very close until she became just like my dad, and that is what hurts the most.

I have no idea what I might be blowing up in my mind right now - like thinking she would care. I don't know.

OMG I am starting to sound like my buddy MS Confused! Help!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-15-2008, 08:37 AM
 
Location: NJ
10,702 posts, read 21,360,913 times
Reputation: 8901
I've seen your post in the people search section. I've read it a few times since you made it; almost posted to you, but for some reason I never did.

What stuck out to me was you were not going to look for your bio family, after getting as far as you did. I now wonder what changed and why you want to "divorce yourself" from them. In the post below, you said they were wonderful parents.

Here's what stuck out to me

Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post
It was during that conversation that the Dr told me that his colleague had passed on and that his widow had all of the office/maternity records in her garage and he gave me her phone number to contact her in case I wanted to go through the maternity records from 1971.

I could have easily flown out to Chicago to do so - but not too long after that my parent's gave me the name of my Birth Mother when I insisted to know. I have not tried to contact her or look for her. Truth is, when push came to shove - my curiosity drained from me. I lost any urge to find/meet her when I saw the sad and concerned look in my parent's eyes like maybe my wanting to find her was an indirect way of saying to them that they did not do a good job as parent's, which is entirely untrue, my parent's are the greatest and I love them so much.

If she sought me out, I would decline a meet. My parent's *are* my real and only parent's. They are the ones who wiped my bottom and changed my diapers - they are the ones who stayed up all night each time I was sick - they are the ones who loved me and helped guide me into the woman that I am today. I am not alone, I know other adopted adults who feel the same way as I do. Not every adopted child wants to be found. It could really upset the adopted person and emotionally threaten a family that has adopted a child - even when their child is an adult. I hope that you take this into consideration that the end result possibly may not exactly be what you think it will be cracked up to be. With all due respect, if my birth mother was searching for me - and she found me, I would request that she not contact me again and I would wish her well. Blood is not always thicker than water, from an adopted child's perspective. My parent's *are* my so-called blood.
I'm happy for you, don't get me wrong.
I've been there, been the sister searching.
I've pretty much been a loner, middle child, oldest & youngest were close. When I found out in my 30's that I had a brother and saw his baby pictures (she kept him a few months), saw he looked like myself & my son. I figured now I might have someone.. was I wrong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post
I just hope you have thought about this and weighed it in case it doesn't turn out the way you want it to. It would be sad to see you or anyone feel hurt over this when all you really want it to be is a beautiful things since you were only in HS when you gave her up. Either or - my blessings to you.
This was your advice to someone else & I'm going to tell you to stop & breathe. This is so much to take in.

While these can be the nicest people in the world, they also might have their own issues. Growing up, I feel I was treated differently & once I found out about my brother and how much he resembles me, well, let's just say that it was an awakening. It was probably that resemblance that made her distant to me.

Your mom went into a depression, rightfully so; but eventually you will find out more. Please be careful.

Therapy sounds like a good idea. The story you posted is going to play over & over in your head. If you can afford counseling, I would do it.

Hey, good luck. Update this post and let us know how you are making out.
Hopefully you can get some peace.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-15-2008, 08:38 AM
 
Location: Florida
7,269 posts, read 9,420,059 times
Reputation: 6015
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
I've seen your post in the people search section. I've read it a few times since you made it; almost posted to you, but for some reason I never did.

What stuck out to me was you were not going to look for your bio family, after getting as far as you did. I now wonder what changed and why you want to "divorce yourself" from them. In the post below, you said they were wonderful parents.

Here's what stuck out to me



I'm happy for you, don't get me wrong.
I've been there, been the sister searching.
I've pretty much been a loner, middle child, oldest & youngest were close. When I found out in my 30's that I had a brother and saw his baby pictures (she kept him a few months), saw he looked like myself & my son. I figured now I might have someone.. was I wrong.



This was your advice to someone else & I'm going to tell you to stop & breathe. This is so much to take in.

While these can be the nicest people in the world, they also might have their own issues. Growing up, I feel I was treated differently & once I found out about my brother and how much he resembles me, well, let's just say that it was an awakening. It was probably that resemblance that made her distant to me.

Your mom went into a depression, rightfully so; but eventually you will find out more. Please be careful.

Therapy sounds like a good idea. The story you posted is going to play over & over in your head. If you can afford counseling, I would do it.

Hey, good luck. Update this post and let us know how you are making out.
Hopefully you can get some peace.
If you check other posts, you will come across a huge fall-out that we had. Not just me, but other family members with them.

I thought they were wonderful parents...they weren't doing drugs, were not drinkers, bought us everything we wanted, had nice homes and great schools and neighborhoods, went to church----but there was a lot of abuse and physical abuse and control - maybe not the typical Italian family (trying to not generalize so no one is offended), but Italian they are and a high tempered one at that. For many years, I thought it was normal. UNTIL....they were doing mean things to other people and they started stepping forward, it came out they regretted me, wanted to take me back, my father never liked me because I took time away from my mom....everything in our fall-out just came out. That was something else that has taken me this long to process. Until I realized I was being manipulated and controlled and treated wrongly ----and regretted....there was a blindfold on. I lived in denial and took the punches for a long, long time.

Had to look up again at your post about how she diapered me. LOL - it was something she often said to me. Can ya tell?

Now I just don't know what is right, what is truth and what is what - and where things should be. I just got out of the shock stage. . . I've seriously only started thinking about all this 'confusion' while I was typing the first post.

Last edited by JeepGirl118; 11-15-2008 at 08:52 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-15-2008, 08:39 AM
 
Location: Maryland not Murlin
8,193 posts, read 22,331,358 times
Reputation: 6158
Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post

The part that has my mind so messed up. . . since my bio family is back, it almost feels like it nulls and voids out my adoptive family being "FAMILY." Make sense?? And I know the answer to that, it's untrue. One does not have to be blood to be family. But it still *feels* that way. I can feel my loyalties shifting...and it's the most unusual feeling.
You were adopted when you were two days old. These 'outsiders' raised you as one of their own. While you may have 'divorced' your adoptive parents and brother, in my opinion you owe your aunts and uncles your love and respect as family as they were the ones who have been in your life since day two.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-15-2008, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
1,577 posts, read 2,387,944 times
Reputation: 414
Big congrats JeepGirl I found my bio family in 1998 and my sibllings and I hit it off great too! My half sister (from b-dad) is on her way here as I type this to help celebrate my daughters birthday. They moved down here to NC from NH a year ago so it's been awesome having her close enough to see regularly.

I highly recommend therapy, even happy reunions have a whole mess of emotions that can bowl you over. Seeing the personality similarities still amazes me 10 years later. My sister and I often show up wearing the exact same shirt......LOL

Sorry to hear that you didn't get to meet your birth parents
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-15-2008, 08:50 AM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
1,577 posts, read 2,387,944 times
Reputation: 414
Quote:
You were adopted when you were two days old. These 'outsiders' raised you as one of their own. While you may have 'divorced' your adoptive parents and brother, in my opinion you owe your aunts and uncles your love and respect as family as they were the ones who have been in your life since day two.
She owes no one, she didn't ask to be adopted. Do children raised by their biological families owe them?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-15-2008, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,412 posts, read 6,467,887 times
Reputation: 3054
Quote:
Originally Posted by K-Luv View Post
You were adopted when you were two days old. These 'outsiders' raised you as one of their own. While you may have 'divorced' your adoptive parents and brother, in my opinion you owe your aunts and uncles your love and respect as family as they were the ones who have been in your life since day two.
I think K Luv has a valid point here. Not knowing the details, of course, but it's certain that you're going through a lot of emotions right now and you don't want those emotions to obscure things lead you to do something you would regret later.

Talking to someone sounds like a good idea, BTW. And your family tale is simply extraordinary -- so much much heartache and joy. Thank you for sharing it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-15-2008, 08:58 AM
 
Location: Florida
7,269 posts, read 9,420,059 times
Reputation: 6015
Quote:
Originally Posted by K-Luv View Post
You were adopted when you were two days old. These 'outsiders' raised you as one of their own. While you may have 'divorced' your adoptive parents and brother, in my opinion you owe your aunts and uncles your love and respect as family as they were the ones who have been in your life since day two.
Oh, I TOTALLY agree with that. I love them very much.

Would taking away the adoption through the courts disrespecting them, even though they are not the adopted parents - even though my role is still their niece and will always be?

Truth is, I was in the process of changing my last name to a basic name like "Smith" - just a few short days from petitioning the court. They understood and supported that. I am going to talk to my Aunt and see her thoughts. I can speculate all I want and go nuts. In fact, going to call her now and ask.......be back with what she says....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top