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Old 11-16-2008, 02:15 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,152 posts, read 34,653,229 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tao View Post
I just want to say about those who have been saying the adoptive family shouldn't be cut off because "you owe them", only a fellow adoptee who came from a really abusive and messed-up adoptive family could possibly understand what you went through and what you're going through. Lindsey_Mcfarren, where are you?? I know you're another fellow adoptee with adoptive family issues.
Well don't overlook the fact that biological parents can mistreat their offspring just as badly as the worst adoptive parents. Just ask anyone who works for a child protective services department. Some adults aren't meant to be parents.
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Old 11-16-2008, 02:20 PM
 
Location: So Cal
40,497 posts, read 40,005,366 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
Some adults aren't meant to be parents.
True.

One needs to pass a test to drive a car.

One needs to get "permits" to build houses.

One needs to get a marriage "license".

One doesn't need to pass a test, get a permit, or obtain a license to have children.
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Old 11-16-2008, 04:42 PM
 
Location: NJ
10,713 posts, read 21,370,380 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tao View Post
I just want to say about those who have been saying the adoptive family shouldn't be cut off because "you owe them", only a fellow adoptee who came from a really abusive and messed-up adoptive family could possibly understand what you went through and what you're going through. Lindsey_Mcfarren, where are you?? I know you're another fellow adoptee with adoptive family issues.
I do not feel that an adoptee owes their AF anything. Some times it works out, others it doesn't, but the same thing can happen with bio family.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post
Most recent is listed under a threads where a couple individuals wanted to know if it was OK to want to turn their back on their family member(s) - something along those lines was the title of the thread. I have 4300 posts and within them, it is mentioned a few times at random, some with actual purpose.
I figured that was the case, that you mentioned it in another post. I do the same thing with venting in posts instead of making a new one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post
I finally got a good night sleep last night and I am refreshed - and thinking much more clearly today due to the fact that I decided to go to the source, after several months, and as much as I did not want to have to hear their voices again, I gave a call to my ex-parents for additional clarity and decision on my end. The conversation lasted a whole maybe...67 seconds tops. Both got on the phone. I kindly opened by telling them that I wanted their perspective on my having found my biological family. . .

My ex-mom's response was, "I was just lying to myself all of those years trying to make someone elses daughter my own and over time, I realized it could not be done. Not the way that I wanted you to be. You are not like us. Being a mom to you was not the same for me as it was being a mom to your brother. I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole." (my brother she refers to is their blood, btw) - My ex-dad's response was, "About time you found them, now why are you trying to make your having found your family our problem? Do you really think when I gave you your moms name when you were a teenager, that it was an accidental slip???" - I could only say after a momentary pause, "Well. Alrighty then. Thank you. Have yourselves a nice holiday and be well." - *click*
I'm sorry. I know someone else in the same situation and know how hurt they were.

I've done a lot of reading, various places, one was from the adoptive parent and how hurt they were when the child wanted to look for their birth family. I didn't live your life; but I know people that would try to push you away by saying something F'd up like that because they are hurt and they want you to hurt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post
I spoke to a few people last evening - my cousins I grew up with, a couple Aunts and Uncles, my best friend, and my new sisters - we all agree on one thing. . . proceed. . do not take the name of my biological father for the obvious reasons (and that it would disgust my bio mom), yet, do take the maiden name of my bio mom in her memory and as a representation of what a mothers love is. (Oh, and they said I could have been a little more creative than Smith. )
I like the maiden name of your mother but that is the same name as the woman that threatened to kill you; can you live with that? I don't know her but did you actually think she'd harm an innocent baby? It's possible she was saying things she didn't mean.

You're a beautiful girl, I don't doubt you were a beautiful baby. Do you think she would have followed through with that after seeing you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post
I need to address this specifically. Each of 4 sisters that I have spoken to at length (seriously, my phone doesn't stop ringing) are relieved that I was not in the situation for my own well being, but do feel that our mother removing me from the family so that I would not be killed by the grandma would have been even more catastrophic than what they feel they had endured on the "bad to worse scale" where it would have ripped everyone and everything apart at a multitude of seams, for years to come. As they have expressed, they had their abuses, I had mine - no one got out without a story to tell and without wounds to lick, giving all of us a common ground and bond. Abuse is abuse is abuse - they have healed and have become well balanced, successful adults, I am in the mid to ending stages of licking my own recent wounds - and one murder was prevented. That is a positive statistic. They are not the sort of individuals that would harbor resent that someone "got away." He was the sick one - not them.
I just ask that you move slowly.
From the sounds of it, you've been around some pretty screwed up people and while I do hope the best for you, I too have been screwed and know that once you get to really know someone, their true side comes out.

Abuse is not the same to everyone, and eventually what you went through may be compared to what one (or all) of them went through.

I could tell you a story, which will make you understand why I'm saying what I am but right now I'll spare you. I know all about DNA and how it doesn't (or does) matter to some people.

Inside, you are probably pretty raw from all you've been through.
You're now on a high, and vulnerable.
Just be careful.
This could all work out great and you all have a happy ending, or you could end up even more hurt then you already are.

Take it slow..
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Old 11-16-2008, 05:02 PM
 
Location: Texas
3,494 posts, read 12,972,343 times
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Congratulations!
I haven't read the whole thread-just your original post, so maybe someone has already covered this, but it's worth repeating anyway.
As an RN, the first thing that comes to mind is that you need to find out your genetic medical history-find out as much as you can about your biological family medical history-major medical problems, any complications with surgeries, specifically anesthesia e.g. malignant hyperthermia. These are very important for you to know so that you can take care of your health.

Last edited by NOTAM; 11-16-2008 at 05:30 PM.. Reason: typo
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Old 11-17-2008, 03:56 AM
 
Location: Mayacama Mtns in CA
14,523 posts, read 7,586,827 times
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JeepGirl, I just found your thread and have read it all...my goodness, what a huge thing to deal with, even if it is at least partially joyous.

So many have already given you great advice, I hardly need say a thing.

Except....on the name issue, think about this. Possibly choose your mother's first or middle name, if you can do it in her honour, trusting and believing that she did the best she could on your behalf.

It seems that you understand the need for "making haste slowly" and I strongly agree here. Take as much time as you need and let no one set any agenda for you.

This is an amazing story...thank you for sharing so openly with us and I wish you Godspeed in all you do.
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Old 11-17-2008, 06:17 AM
 
Location: Florida
7,269 posts, read 9,421,672 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
I was wondering where you were last night and I realized you were probably very busy with your new adventure! This is amazing and I have thought about you so much this weekend...do they live close enough to drive and visit (a days drive or so??)..Thanks for keeping us posted...
For the first time in a long time last night, I was in bed by 10:30. Fighting a cold and the lack of sleep since last weekend, I am sooo physically burnt out. They are a 13 hour drive away from Tampa. They are coming down here with the kids on December 26 - 29th and we will be having our own Christmas.

I went to the mall yesterday to Whitehall Jewelers clearance close-out sale (it's going out of biz) and bought myself and my two full-blood sisters a Circle of Life white gold diamond pendant (ordinarily wouldn't do something so pricey, but each piece I bought was 75% off the original and the symbolism of it is just so great). I'm really excited about seeing and spending time with them!

It's kinda weird, but the past 6 weeks, I have been buying all new Christmas stuff for around the house (taking major advantage of Micheal's Crafts 40 and 50% off coupons!), bought a new tree - while wondering as I shopped, (seriously - redid everything into mirrored mosaic and a silver theme), "why am I going all the way out this year?!" - Funny how things find rhyme and reason. This Christmas has a lot of meaning to me.
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Old 11-17-2008, 06:26 AM
 
Location: Florida
7,269 posts, read 9,421,672 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NOTAM View Post
Congratulations!
I haven't read the whole thread-just your original post, so maybe someone has already covered this, but it's worth repeating anyway.
As an RN, the first thing that comes to mind is that you need to find out your genetic medical history-find out as much as you can about your biological family medical history-major medical problems, any complications with surgeries, specifically anesthesia e.g. malignant hyperthermia. These are very important for you to know so that you can take care of your health.
I did do that, it was the first thing I asked them. That I wondered for years and years. I was told by my adopted parents that cancer was the main thing to worry about, and it turns out that cancer is not the main medical concern at all. One of my sisters is a nurse and explained who has had what right into the great-grandparents. Was a bit chilling to find out that cancer was not the concern when I have only had that to believe all these years. I seriously believe that mandated thorough medical profiles should go out with every adoption. No Adoptee should be without having to know that at all. Ever. Very unsettling.
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Old 11-17-2008, 06:31 AM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,744,570 times
Reputation: 7409
Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post
For the first time in a long time last night, I was in bed by 10:30. Fighting a cold and the lack of sleep since last weekend, I am sooo physically burnt out. They are a 13 hour drive away from Tampa. They are coming down here with the kids on December 26 - 29th and we will be having our own Christmas.

I went to the mall yesterday to Whitehall Jewelers clearance close-out sale (it's going out of biz) and bought myself and my two full-blood sisters a Circle of Life white gold diamond pendant (ordinarily wouldn't do something so pricey, but each piece I bought was 75% off the original and the symbolism of it is just so great). I'm really excited about seeing and spending time with them!

It's kinda weird, but the past 6 weeks, I have been buying all new Christmas stuff for around the house (taking major advantage of Micheal's Crafts 40 and 50% off coupons!), bought a new tree - while wondering as I shopped, (seriously - redid everything into mirrored mosaic and a silver theme), "why am I going all the way out this year?!" - Funny how things find rhyme and reason. This Christmas has a lot of meaning to me.
It sounds as if somehow, somewhere you "knew" you were going to have some new guests for the holidays...wonderful.

The jewelry sounds wonderful and I am sure the symbolism will not be missed by your sisters. I'll bet they are just as amazed and excited as you are! I can't wait to hear what to hear how your Christmas turns out!!

This is truly an amazing story and I know you are just beside yourself with joy and anticipation...

Hopefully you recover from your cold soon!
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Old 11-17-2008, 06:34 AM
 
Location: Florida
7,269 posts, read 9,421,672 times
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Thank you to everyone for your well wishes. They mean a lot.

I always wanted to write one of those Christmas Newsletters (you know, the ones you get that you roll your eyes through, laugh, and get shocked from when you get them? LOL) - 2008 has been so pleasantly eventful here, I am going to write one up for this year and send back to all of the people that have given me no choice but to sit through theirs all of these years past.
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Old 11-17-2008, 07:18 AM
 
Location: Florida
7,269 posts, read 9,421,672 times
Reputation: 6015
Quote:
Originally Posted by tao View Post
Yikes! This topic is a little too raw for me as I too am adopted and to call my adoptive family "toxic" would be an understatement. I searched for my bio family after my adoptive sister found hers but never got past finding out who my birth mother is. I don't want to pursue it anymore. I have minimal contact now with my adoptive family and moved across the country in part to get away from them all. Being two time zones away does wonders. I'm married now so I have my husband and now his family (and they're a bit toxic too but thankfully all live in England so we don't have to see them much) so I have no room for more people in my life. Right now my world consists of me, my husband, my best friend (who's living with us, renting our basement apartment) and my 4 cats. My adoptive mother is also included on a limited basis.

I just want to say about those who have been saying the adoptive family shouldn't be cut off because "you owe them", only a fellow adoptee who came from a really abusive and messed-up adoptive family could possibly understand what you went through and what you're going through. Lindsey_Mcfarren, where are you?? I know you're another fellow adoptee with adoptive family issues.
Interesting. Glad you said this. Throughout the years, since very young, they always threw in the obligatory comments (did any Adoptee ever get any of these too???):

"You should be grateful you are not living in some orphanage."

"You better be grateful that we got you because your real parents are probably low-lives." ---------(THAT one, ALWAYS ticked me off when they attacked my roots)

"You have no right to ever complain about anything because life would have been much worse off for you if we did not bring you home."

(when I got into trouble as a teen, this was said a couple times):
"I can only imagine what kind of people your real parents were for you to have done this to US, the people who you should be nothing less than grateful for."

I know there are more things they always have said throughout the years but I can't remember them off the top of my head. I always wondered if I was the singled-out Adoptee that heard these sort of things or if others did too?

Not sure if some adopted parents know it, and always wondered how many do what mine did, but attacking an Adoptee's DNA and roots is really not the best thing to do. Even though I had never met my birth parents, I was still a blood part of them and I took slams against them as an insult to me. My parents really went overboard to try to rub it in though and used it at every chance they could on their pedestal. I couldn't stand it. Unfortunately, it did not stop in my teenage years.

Anyone else???
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