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Old 12-22-2008, 10:59 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,147 posts, read 34,643,040 times
Reputation: 16248

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Quote:
Originally Posted by 60-minutes-II View Post
But are we not required to love them?
No. Being family gives you that initial bond, but if they abuse that bond over and over again, then it's find to walk away from them.

My sisters and I have no love for our blood father. If I ever refer to him, it's as my exdad. My stepfather is my father. We did keep in contact with him when we were children, but he wasn't all that interested in us because we were only daughters, not sons. Only when his second wife was found to be infertile, did he try to warm up to us, but it was too late. But he has his nieces and nephews to keep him company in his old age. He can leave his estate to them. Our love can't be bought.

My boyfriend has broken off his relationship with his dad. His dad is an alcoholic and was abusive to his family when he was a kid. His mom finally got it together to divorce him His dad refuses to admit to his alcoholism or apologize for his past poor behaviour. And with his third wife and her kids, he likes to pretend to be a model husband and father figure, but it doesn't fool his own three kids. Now that my boyfriend is an adult, he doesn't have to see his dad anyone, so he doesn't. In the past, I've dealtl with his dad, and I also find him to be a self centered jerk. And the only way for him to get his son back is to start by admitting to doing all those awful things to his family and to apologize for his past actions. But he never will.
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Old 12-22-2008, 12:58 PM
 
Location: Not the end of the earth but, you can see it from here!
31 posts, read 53,795 times
Reputation: 71
I haven't written off any family member but one of them wrote me off! My sibling wrote me off after I was unable to attend a dinner they had organized. It turned out that they had been angry with me for years and apparently had been waiting for just this opportunity to unleash a tirade of venom.

My feeling on it after many months of turning it over in my head is this: their loss. I won't divorce them but, if they so choose, they can "divorce" me. Life is way too short.
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Old 12-22-2008, 01:04 PM
 
Location: Bergen County, NJ
1,603 posts, read 3,644,894 times
Reputation: 1838
As a matter of fact I could write a book on this topic:

I'm going to make this as brief as possible, although it's tough. I'm 41 years old. As a product of a teen pregnancy, my parents split when I was 5 and I was raised by grandparents- My mother was verbally abusive (And still is) and my father was physically. I never saw my father after my parents split until I was 35. I used to send him cards every year for his birthday and for christmas. Never getting any type of acknowledgement in return. At 35 he decided it was time to reach out to me- He met me, and told me he was just meeting me for closure, he hated my mother and wanted no reminder of her - Additionally, he said he never wanted kids, but my mother's parents were christian so would not allow an aboriton. I was angry and bitter for a long time, but recently over the past year have found peace with it- I feel bad for my father and have forgiven him for his actions and the path he choose to follow. He was young and trapped. I'm sure he lives with his guilt, but not knowing me he doesn't know what to do or how to act, and he feels it's best to avoid the issue than have to look at it- and the damage he had done ... he never had anymore kids.

With the holidays so close, I've always sent him cards. I think maybe this year it's time to give up ... Or for whatever reason I have for sending a stupid card, I'll just keep on sending it him. I get the feeling at this point he probably just throws them in the garbage without even opening them. The only thing I wrote in the card this year was, "I hope this card finds you well and at peace- Best wishes for 2009- Your daughter".

It's very difficult and painful cutting off relatives, but when they become venomous it's time to save yourself ... My mother is still abusive and "Begs" for me to take her back into my life. At first I would fall into her need traps and feel bad for her, but then she would become abusive to me again. I have learned and grown, and the only thing I can say to her now is, "You are the woman that gave birth to me, you didn't earn the title, "Mother"- I have no use for you now- I'm 41, not a child anymore.

It was not easy by any means to get to this road, but a lot of self discovery, being honest with yourself and everyone around you, speak up- don't hide your emotions and feelings, some therapy, and a spiritual empowerment to want more for you and the hell with everyone else! Choose happiness !!
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Old 12-22-2008, 03:03 PM
 
3,596 posts, read 7,707,003 times
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My parents were barely aware of my existence. They had no time for me and I was never on top of their list.

My father was a complete *******, an insufferable prick in every sense imaginable. My mother was an OCD maniac whose mental situation was deteriorating by my fourteenth birthday. I'm their only child, unfortunately, so I took the brunt of all of it.

The second to last time I spoke with them was the day before I left for university. I don't remember what I said, it was some boring, every-day conversation. The next day I left for university while they were out. They had no idea I was going or even where. I just left, and that was almost the end of it.

The real end of it was a phone call I received a few years ago. It was my mother (which means it was really my father) asking for help and stating that she wanted to "set the wrongs right". I don't have any wrongs to set right.

I laughed and hung up on her. It wasn't vindictive, nor was I amused. It certainly wasn't a fantastic Hollywood moment where SUDDENLY I AM THE ONE WHO GETS TO SAY NO, MUAHAHAHA!

The situation was so weird and fit together so poorly I just couldn't help but laugh. It just... came out.

No idea how they found my number. I've never made any attempts to speak with them again. People don't change, especially not when they're older, and by the time I left the alcohol and drugs were severe. I'd be surprised if they were still alive, really.

So, that was that. I don't want for their attention and they are never in my thoughts. The time when I had to put up with them is so far behind me, thank god. I am so glad those poisonous creatures are out of my life. If there's any justice in the world, their deaths were quick, painless and arrive on time.
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Old 12-22-2008, 03:53 PM
 
Location: Texas
525 posts, read 835,464 times
Reputation: 316
Quote:
Originally Posted by ImCurlybelle View Post

It's very difficult and painful cutting off relatives, but when they become venomous it's time to save yourself ... My mother is still abusive and "Begs" for me to take her back into my life. At first I would fall into her need traps and feel bad for her, but then she would become abusive to me again. I have learned and grown, and the only thing I can say to her now is, "You are the woman that gave birth to me, you didn't earn the title, "Mother"- I have no use for you now- I'm 41, not a child anymore.

It was not easy by any means to get to this road, but a lot of self discovery, being honest with yourself and everyone around you, speak up- don't hide your emotions and feelings, some therapy, and a spiritual empowerment to want more for you and the hell with everyone else! Choose happiness !!
Are you sure your mom's not my mom?
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Old 12-22-2008, 04:06 PM
 
Location: Bergen County, NJ
1,603 posts, read 3,644,894 times
Reputation: 1838
It's funny- Growing up I always thought family would be the ones that stand by your side through thick and thin, love you unconditionally without judging or bashing you, be there to guide you through the dark and into the light when times were tough but man, 'ol man am I glad I woke up and came to reality -
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Old 12-22-2008, 04:08 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,667 posts, read 74,628,627 times
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not a breakoff but definitely healthy distance. out of hitting range.
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Old 12-22-2008, 04:09 PM
 
14,752 posts, read 28,620,281 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImCurlybelle View Post
It's funny- Growing up I always thought family would be the ones that stand by your side through thick and thin, love you unconditionally without judging or bashing you, be there to guide you through the dark and into the light when times were tough but man, 'ol man am I glad I woke up and came to reality -
It's that constant seesaw between "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family" and "blood is thicker than water."
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Old 12-22-2008, 04:12 PM
 
1,570 posts, read 1,672,818 times
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What happens if you don't want to break off from a sibling. He just doesn't want to talk back with you or anything?
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Old 12-22-2008, 04:55 PM
 
Location: NW Nevada
14,158 posts, read 11,636,175 times
Reputation: 13249
I broke ties with my only sibling for a spell. Due to her husband more than her, but she stuck by him when we both should have thrown him down a mine shaft. She has since divorced him and seen the light, but he caused a lot of damage and despite my sisters and my reconciling if her ex and I ever cross paths again he will be in a hurt locker. .
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