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Whew!! I feel soooo much better now... and I thought I was the only one!
Society simply doesn't want to hear your negative story about your own mother/father..... and if they are abusive they can get away with it for YEARS. Congrats to all of you who broke away!!!!!!!! k:
There's an old saying....."You can pick your friends but not your family."
Most intelligent adults actively choose friends who compliment their personalities and personal ethics. Even though we sometimes let friends go because they are no longer a good fit with our lives, many folks believe they should hang onto poor relationships with family members. Many times though, it's better to preserve your own peace of mind and cut off ties to the ones who drag you down.
It can be painful to let those people go because for some, it's like letting go of a dream. Many here grew up during the heyday of shows like "The Brady Bunch," "Father Knows Best," "My Three Sons" and so on. The innocence of those shows didn't prepare us for the reality of what some familys are really like.
Yes, I have not talked to my father's mother for 3 and 1/2 years.
There have been problems with her in the family for as long as I can remember, she basically does not "listen" at all when people try to tell her their feelings/concerns and she just continues to do things her own way without thinking of others'.
She does not have the ability to understand anyone else's pov.
I think it is partly her personality and partly from being a first generation Holocaust survivor.
I have no plans to have anything to do with her, my dad and sister have a miserable time with her though.
Thanks for this thread and to everyone who have courageously shared their stories. I too have done this, although it was never planned, it just came about as the entire situation began to ware on me and I began to understand our family dysfunction. Okay, that's putting it lightly. I was on the brink of checking out.
Growing up in an alcoholic home, I always knew the abuse was not okay, but everyone just battled it out day after day because we didn't know any other way to live. As I got older it became harder to deny the effect it was having on us all or continue the fight, which was a daily part of life. In the midst of it I dealt with the emotional pain the best I could by becoming an alcohol and drug abuser.
After cleaning up my act and learning about dysfuntional family roles I could no longer pretend the behaviors that come with those dynamics were acceptable or ones I wanted to continue to be subjected to for the rest of my life. It's been 20 years of seperation and the loss of both parents and very painful at times, but I'll never go back to allowing myself to be abused, no matter who it is.
Well... I've read every single story. As someone said before "I thought I was the only one...".
I'm in the process of cutting my family. In the past I even thought I was crazy or simply was a bad person. 4 therapists helped me during the years and told me "It's ok, it's not your fault but theirs and you need to walk away because you're not safe".
I'm in the US and they are far away, but they are always asking how bad I am, if I've gained weight, comparing me with "most successful" relatives and friends, etc. The month before I came I have had major surgery and was very weak, but "because of some rumor" my grandpa and an aunt tried to hit me... argh. I'm so embarrased just remembering this. And all my life has been like this, "disrupted"...
It's a good thing for some people and may represent "turning over a new leaf."
Maybe people's lives have trended upward since breaking off toxic family relationships. Though I know everyday people that have done this and bettered themselves, the only "public" figure I know that was bitterly estranged from a sibling was winemaker / entrepreneur / philanthropist Robert Mondavi. He was reportedly a remarkable man.
thanks for this thread and to everyone who have courageously shared their stories. I too have done this, although it was never planned, it just came about as the entire situation began to ware on me and i began to understand our family dysfunction. Okay, that's putting it lightly. I was on the brink of checking out.
Growing up in an alcoholic home, i always knew the abuse was not okay, but everyone just battled it out day after day because we didn't know any other way to live. As i got older it became harder to deny the effect it was having on us all or continue the fight, which was a daily part of life. In the midst of it i dealt with the emotional pain the best i could by becoming an alcohol and drug abuser.
After cleaning up my act and learning about dysfuntional family roles i could no longer pretend the behaviors that come with those dynamics were acceptable or ones i wanted to continue to be subjected to for the rest of my life. It's been 20 years of seperation and the loss of both parents and very painful at times, but i'll never go back to allowing myself to be abused, no matter who it is.
Well... I've read every single story. As someone said before "I thought I was the only one...".
I'm in the process of cutting my family. In the past I even thought I was crazy or simply was a bad person. 4 therapists helped me during the years and told me "It's ok, it's not your fault but theirs and you need to walk away because you're not safe".
I'm in the US and they are far away, but they are always asking how bad I am, if I've gained weight, comparing me with "most successful" relatives and friends, etc. The month before I came I have had major surgery and was very weak, but "because of some rumor" my grandpa and an aunt tried to hit me... argh. I'm so embarrased just remembering this. And all my life has been like this, "disrupted"...
... so, I'm walking away.
As some of you guys said, "enough is enough".
I really sympathize with you. I know how difficult it has been for me to walk away. Having as much support as possible is really important. For me there have been many times the old tapes in my head would say what a bad person I was for doing this and it made me want to step back into the mire. Thankfully I haven't.
To you and all of us - take good care of yourself!!
I just want to make one more comment on this subject. Since my split from my family my life improved 100%. I've made choices that had I stayed in contact with them I never would have. I would have been critized and told, "why would ever do that? I never would. That's so stupid!" etc., etc. There's no doubt I would never have the good life I have now had I kept myself stuck in the muck...
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k:
