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Old 12-01-2008, 09:55 AM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,500 posts, read 20,082,736 times
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This is for those of you who have had difficult families.

Have you ever broken with parents? Or written off a sibling?

If so, please tell me why? What brought you to that point? Was it a difficult decision and how to you feel about it now?

Thanks,

Woofers

P.S. Please be respectful of my thread and stay on topic. Thanks!
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Old 12-01-2008, 10:04 AM
 
1,919 posts, read 3,964,896 times
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I haven’t gone that far in part because of my parents and how they would not approve, but I can say there is a considerable distance between my brother and myself.

The reason is summarized in how profoundly different we are, and frankly, how he has often been very parasitical. He tends to be extremely irresponsible, and his irresponsibility has caused a great deal of heartache in my family. It took a HUGE fight involving all the siblings, and one other sibling telling him to his face, “you are like a leech. You suck onto the person closest to you and just live off of that person, but you don’t do anything yourself,” for him to actually change somewhat. And this is when we were all adults.

I am not going to give many specific details, but I will say that often, when things were going well for him, he was very self-centered and arrogant, and when things go poorly for him, he wants everyone to pity him.

But the most embittering thing about him is that he is so proud and stubborn that he refuses to admit wrongdoing, and he insists that he’s a victim. In fact, he pulls out the victim card every time he is confronted with wrongdoing.

I am not saying he has never apologized or that he has never admitted he’s made mistakes. But my philosophy is that if one makes apologies or admits to error only to continue in harmful habits that frustrate, anger, and wound those closest to him, then such apologies or confessions of error are ultimately empty.

Considering we are all quite older now, I don’t expect him to change and I have given up on ever seeing him become a truly normal, responsible individual. I am just glad I don’t live near him and that I don’t have to deal with him on a regular basis.

We cannot choose the family we are born into – but we can choose how close to be with them once we become adults. I’m glad that I have this freedom – siblings may share blood, parents, and memories, but it doesn’t mean they will get along. It takes two to make an effort to have a harmonious relationship. Were my brother someone I just knew, rather than a sibling, I would absolutely never, ever approach him for anything.
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Old 12-01-2008, 10:05 AM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,755,993 times
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I have had not seen my mother in 5 years because she has borderline personality disorder and the turmoil was never ending. Cutting off was not a conscious decision like I had tried before.

One day I did not call her and another day went by and another. She called me and I told her I would return the call and I forgot. Finally a month went by and my husband asked if I had spoken to her and I surprised myself by saying "no".

I had cut off ties with her before but always had a nagging feeling about it but when it just fell into my lap it did not feel the same. There was no guilt involved. It felt right. It was very easy.

Fast forward 5 years, my mother has missed 2 of my children being born, we have moved, life has happened and recently I find myself missing her...well, maybe not her, but the dream I had of a mother that she can not fulfill.

It is harder now than it was 5 years ago.
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Old 12-01-2008, 10:06 AM
 
Location: Incognito
7,005 posts, read 18,642,466 times
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I broke off with my dad and didn't actually spoke to him for 6 years. Too complicated to explain the reason.
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Old 12-01-2008, 03:20 PM
 
Location: Austin
4,103 posts, read 6,083,058 times
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I have not spoken to my dad for over a year and I'm pretty much done. He's a Narcissistic Bipolar Alcoholic. He will stop drinking for periods of time but then he always starts back up and stops taking his meds when he feels better. It's been an up and down rollercoaster with this man because he can never keep himself clean or medicated correctly. I have witnessed several breakdowns and he gets extremely violent and emotionally abusive, he's just not safe to be around. And it's emotionally draining to wonder how long his clean periods will last and when the next breakdown will be. His last breakdown was the icing on the cake. He called me horrible names and this time brought my children into it by saying nasty things about them. My small children who do nothing but love people.

I used to feel guilty because I thought I should be strong enough to put up with it and realize it's illness. I used to feel guilty because he's my father and blood and I wanted nothing to do with him. I sometimes feel guilty because I'm happier and my life is more enriched without him in it. When I feel guilty now it's because I don't feel guilty for cutting him out but I am feeling guilty less and less. I'm not a saint. I can't not take it personal when he's abusive, illness or not. Unfortunately I have no contact with my grandfather or other relatives over this. My father has turned this around and put it on me and my siblings(they don't want him in their lives either). He's lied and said he's apologized numerous times when he has not. So we look like the evil bad children. Sigh, but that's life right? Nobody said it would be fair and we would have fairytale family members. *shrugs*
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Old 12-01-2008, 03:24 PM
 
Location: Texas
43,577 posts, read 52,749,647 times
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My aunt (who luckily lives in Cali and is not readily around) treated my mom pretty crappy all the years I was growing up...plus she's a self-centered busybody. I don't have anything to do with her, but I doubt she even knows it.
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Old 12-01-2008, 03:24 PM
 
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
1,917 posts, read 6,452,811 times
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I stopped talking to my brother 2 years ago. Short story, he is a bully. He bullies his kids, his wife, everyone. He, again, jumped to conclusions and cussed me out in front of my husband and my kids. It was simply a misunderstanding that could have been resolved with adult discussions, which I tried, but he rejected. He has been abusive before and he drinks quite a bit. Although I love him I think he and his wife have a toxic relationship but are ultimately made for one another. I refuse to have anything to do with him or his wife. I feel bad for his kids though as they were very close to mine. But life is peaceful now without him and his wife.
Sometimes we're better off without our "loved ones"
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Old 12-01-2008, 03:47 PM
 
5,019 posts, read 12,751,823 times
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My sister did a really (really) terrible thing to my daughter about 11 years ago. My mama-bear instincts took over and I cut her out of my life for over a year. Eventually we made up. She matured, she's a mother herself now....and we are probably closer than we were as children.

My father and I have always had a "distant" relationship. Not bad or toxic, just distant. We were happy with our once-per-month phone calls. Last year he married a full-on racist-wacko-nut-job....and I had to cut them both out of my life. Couldn't handle all the spam-mail that woman sent! Dad sent me a note a few months ago, but I haven't responded. I'm really not that interested in having them in my life.
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Old 12-01-2008, 03:52 PM
 
Location: So Cal
40,549 posts, read 40,054,998 times
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I was raised a single child with no extended family around. My mother was from Australia and never met her side of the family. My father's family is in New York. We live in So Cal. I used to wish I had met more of my Dad's side of the family.

But- after reading some of these posts maybe I dodged a bullet.
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Old 12-01-2008, 04:01 PM
 
Location: Austin
4,103 posts, read 6,083,058 times
Reputation: 6713
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
I was raised a single child with no extended family around. My mother was from Australia and never met her side of the family. My father's family is in New York. We live in So Cal. I used to wish I had met more of my Dad's side of the family.

But- after reading some of these posts maybe I dodged a bullet.
Haha, maybe you did!
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