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Old 12-12-2008, 08:00 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
4,739 posts, read 7,544,655 times
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After we had just buried my wifes Father in NY and traveled back here we got another call my wifes Mom had died at the airport. I had to catch my wife before she hit the floor. Death is devestating and if you have any sort of character you'll endure whatever it takes to help the ones you say you care about get through the process.
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Old 12-12-2008, 08:09 AM
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,517 posts, read 26,310,550 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
I don't think she realizes how insulting that argument would be to somebody who just suffered the loss of a parent, a spouse, a sibling, or a child. Essentially, she's dictating how somebody should mourn the death of a loved one.
I lost my father and he died way too early. I went to the funeral and I shouldn't have. It didn't help one bit. So I speak from experience. And my spouse- he knows he's not getting a funeral because he doesn't want one.

Everyone must do what they feel they need to.
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Old 12-12-2008, 08:13 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
4,739 posts, read 7,544,655 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by political genius View Post
I think that you can really tell alot about people when someone passes away. When my parents died together in a crash we set up a big funeral and few of their so called friends attended. I can remember many people who Mom and Dad talked about for years as being such good friends and wonderful people, did not have the time to go to the viewing, funeral or burial. I found this odd because it was on a number of days. These so called friends sent us a Hallmark Card and said they were sorry they could not attend but were so busy.

In other cases I have seen people show up a funerals of people they had not talked to in years and really did not like.

Why does it take a death to really know about family friends? What has been your experience?
My apologies, didn't mean to start an argument. I'm sorry for your loss also. I won't post anymore on this one.
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Old 12-12-2008, 08:25 AM
 
5,427 posts, read 12,630,389 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
I think the most cowardly thing a person can say to a friend is, "I wanted to come, but I just can't handle the funeral."

Good God. Be an adult. Just as importantly, be a friend. We are all going to die and avoiding a funeral does not change that fact. And using some phony baloney pop psychology to rationalize it away does not make you any less worthless in that regard. For a true friend is there when things are at their very worst, not just when things are good.

I learned a lot about some of my so-called friends when my father died. Several of them just couldn't be bothered to attend or call under the fig leaf that either "I just can't stand funerals" and "I just didn't know what to say." The positive was that I pretty much knew which ones of my friends had character, and which ones didn't.

Adults deal with unpleasant realities in order to comfort their friends. Arrested adolescents say, "Bummer" and make excuses. Political, be thankful that you found out who your friends really were, and who you could really count on. And, for those of you who have skipped the funeral of a close friend or that of his immediate family members, shame on you for your shallow self-centeredness.

Political, I am so sorry for your loss. I know that it is a devastating blow, made even more severe by the unconscionable failure of your so-called friends to be there in your hour of need.
Here is another perspective... I have an aunt who loves her family dearly, and we love her too. However, she has a heart condition and at least when my grandfather passed away (her father in law), she could not attend because it is possible that the stress could cause her heart problems, so she did/does not want to have the same fate as a result. She's in her 60s now.
She visited the house, before and after the services, however.

Even I, in my mid 40s, will not ride those crazy roller coasters! I used to love them, but I guess as I got older, and am raising a family, I tend to avoid any stressful, dangerous situations. Funerals though, do not bother me, I was just drawing an analogy.

Last edited by HookTheBrotherUp; 12-12-2008 at 08:35 AM..
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Old 12-12-2008, 08:30 AM
 
28,906 posts, read 46,598,421 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by younglisa7 View Post
I lost my father and he died way too early. I went to the funeral and I shouldn't have. It didn't help one bit. So I speak from experience. And my spouse- he knows he's not getting a funeral because he doesn't want one.

Everyone must do what they feel they need to.
Again, more rationalization, and pretty revealing, self-centered rationalization at that.

You talk about your father's funeral, and how it didn't help you one bit. Well, the funeral wasn't about you and your therapy. It was about your father, your mother, and the rest of the family. Did I want to go to my father's funeral? Heck no. Was it pleasant, was it soothing? No way. But that really isn't the point.

Here's the deal, Lisa. You apparently have a very loose definition of what friendship is. If you cannot even be bothered to visit a sick friend or relative in the hospital, then it means you have no value as a friend. For friends are there for friends in bad times as well as good times.

Hypothetically, if my wife fell ill and died and you, as my purported friend, could not be bothered with showing up because you couldn't handle it, I would never have anything to do with you again. For you lack the basic character to be a source of comfort and help when the relationship isn't terribly fun. And no amount of smoke screen on your part can obscure that fact.
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Old 12-12-2008, 08:32 AM
 
28,906 posts, read 46,598,421 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HookTheBrotherUp View Post
Here is another perspective... I have an aunt who loves her family dearly, and we love her too. However, she has a heart condition and at least when my grandfather passed away (her father in law), she could not attend because it is possible that the stress could cause her heart problems, so she did/does not want to have the same fate as a result. She's in her 60s now.

Even I, in my mid 40s, will not ride those crazy roller coasters! I used to love them, but I guess as I got older, and am raising a family, I tend to avoid any stressful, dangerous situations. Funerals though, do not bother me, I was just drawing an analogy.
Yes, but you're citing a medical condition--which is a reasonable excuse. However, that's not what this thread is about. This thread is about able-bodied individuals who did not have the fundamental decency to attend a friend's funeral. Why so many posters are trying to think up excuses for this is just beyond me.
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Old 12-12-2008, 08:40 AM
 
Location: Houston
529 posts, read 1,164,516 times
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Exactly, besides medical conditions and other extreme cases or emergencies I don't see any valid excuse to miss a funeral of a friend or family. "I just feel icky in funerals" don't cut it for me.
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Old 12-12-2008, 08:42 AM
 
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,506 posts, read 17,744,964 times
Reputation: 9340
Quote:
Originally Posted by political genius View Post
I think that you can really tell alot about people when someone passes away. When my parents died together in a crash we set up a big funeral and few of their so called friends attended. I can remember many people who Mom and Dad talked about for years as being such good friends and wonderful people, did not have the time to go to the viewing, funeral or burial. I found this odd because it was on a number of days. These so called friends sent us a Hallmark Card and said they were sorry they could not attend but were so busy.

In other cases I have seen people show up a funerals of people they had not talked to in years and really did not like.

Why does it take a death to really know about family friends? What has been your experience?
I don't think you can really tell anything by who shows up at their funerals. When my brother died almost three years ago, our dad couldn't go in the funeral home for the service. He sat outside in the truck til the end, then he came and went pretty fast. It ended up being standing room only but still some of my brothers friends didn't show and we were upset but later found that they were so upset they couldn't (one who didn't show actually collapsed when he found out). I can honestly understand that. But I go anyway b'c I always feel I'll regret it. Just the same, it can be too much for people to see someone they love or just liked a lot after they die. I'd never expect someone to come to a viewing or even ask if they'd like to. I'd hate to put anyone on the spot. It doesn't mean anything to me if they don't. Now if they hadn't contacted you at all and acted as if they never knew, that would make me wonder.

I'm very sorry for your loss but please don't let this get to you. Everyone grieves in their own way and not everyone will agree with or even understand it.

Last edited by Whyte Byrd; 12-12-2008 at 08:53 AM..
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Old 12-12-2008, 08:49 AM
 
5,427 posts, read 12,630,389 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Yes, but you're citing a medical condition--which is a reasonable excuse. However, that's not what this thread is about. This thread is about able-bodied individuals who did not have the fundamental decency to attend a friend's funeral. Why so many posters are trying to think up excuses for this is just beyond me.
Yes, I was giving the benefit of the doubt to those who did not show up, but if they just did not attend because they were too lazy, then they were not worthy of the friendship.

I was married once before, and was with my ex, both dating and married, for 12 years. Then 8 years after the divorce (last year), I learned that my ex's father was dying of cancer, and did not have long to live. We had an amicable divorce, so we are on good terms and keep in touch with the whole family. I took half a day of vacation and went to the hospital to visit my ex father in law, not because I loved him, he was not that nice of a man, but I went out of respect.

Through my ex, he was part of my family, and life for 12 years, I learned from him, whether good, or bad, and it was just the right thing to do. A week later he passed away, and I attended the funeral services with my new wife. It was very comforting to my ex, her siblings and mother, and they were humbled that we came. So I can testify that it does matter if one shows up, or not. But some people have valid reasons, others, well, they will receive what they have earned in the end.
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Old 12-12-2008, 08:51 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,105 posts, read 34,537,395 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Public_Newsense View Post
I don't think you can really tell anything by who shows up at their funerals.
No. No you can't. At my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral, the person who shed the most tears was his crazy greedy aunt. And they were only crocodile tears too. I watched her at the funeral home and was impressed with how she could turn those tears on and off, just like a spigot. She hardly ever visited her parents when they were living in the same town and just blocks away from her. And she wants to be bought out of her share of the family's LLC.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I patiently and respectfully sat through the really long and tedious Catholic memorial church service with all the god and heaven talk, even though we don't believe in it. But it was of great comfort to his grandmother. When we pass away, my boyfriend and I just want simple cremations and no services.
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