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Old 12-12-2008, 09:11 PM
 
Location: Mountains of Oregon
15,304 posts, read 17,720,628 times
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I & most of my close relatives believe when a loved one passes on their soul leaves the body (now empty shell) & goes to Heaven/ or the Rainbow Bridge (to be with beloved 4-legged friends). We prefer to have the body cremated & have a small, simple memorial for the departed.


Several of my Beloved Family ashes rest in Peace here on the mountain under an old growth huge beautiful Doug Fir above the basspond..........................
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Old 12-12-2008, 09:33 PM
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,517 posts, read 26,326,087 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawk J View Post
I & most of my close relatives believe when a loved one passes on their soul leaves the body (now empty shell) & goes to Heaven/ or the Rainbow Bridge (to be with beloved 4-legged friends). We prefer to have the body cremated & have a small, simple memorial for the departed.


Several of my Beloved Family ashes rest in Peace here on the mountain under an old growth huge beautiful Doug Fir above the basspond..........................
Beautiful and it sounds very real and honest.
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Old 12-12-2008, 09:44 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,694,470 times
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Everyone's thresholds for pain are different and perhaps the friends did not know how to tell you they were in too much pain to attend the funeral.
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Old 12-12-2008, 09:52 PM
 
Location: Mountains of Oregon
15,304 posts, read 17,720,628 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by younglisa7 View Post
Beautiful and it sounds very real and honest.


Thankyou sister Lisa.............................it's the Truth.....................


We rejoice in a beloved ones Life & how they lived it.................not about the death.................
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Old 12-12-2008, 10:40 PM
 
Location: Indiana
591 posts, read 1,281,008 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawk J View Post
I & most of my close relatives believe when a loved one passes on their soul leaves the body (now empty shell) & goes to Heaven/ or the Rainbow Bridge (to be with beloved 4-legged friends). We prefer to have the body cremated & have a small, simple memorial for the departed.


Several of my Beloved Family ashes rest in Peace here on the mountain under an old growth huge beautiful Doug Fir above the basspond..........................
This is the first time i've ever heard death sound so romantic. What you said was really beautiful.
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Old 12-12-2008, 11:47 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,992 posts, read 16,722,280 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
I've had my share of traumatic incidents that occurred in my childhood. I think part of maturing, is learning to deal with that baggage. Obviously some handle it better than others. I wish you luck with yours.
Dealing with that baggage for me is having good, decent friends who understand that everyone grieves differently and does not expect me to put myself though psychological torture to prove my friendship.

A childhood friend heard her father shoot himself in the head when she was 10. She doesn't attend funerals. My boyfriend's father died when he was in prison. My boyfriend was 13 years old at the time and refused to acknowledge his father's death (to this day he's unsure if there was a funeral) because he was angry at his father, but is so wracked with guilt over the whole thing now that he does not go to funerals. I have an aunt who was in the hospital for an extended amount of time where many of the friends she made there passed away- she too no longer can handle funerals.

You never know why a person can not attend a funeral and anyone who judges people on their reasons is not a worthwhile friend anyway. A good friend- even in their time of grieving- would not want to cause psychological and (in some cases) physical harm to their friends. Not everyone is comfortable telling people why they do not have the strength to a funeral. I have no idea how my boyfriend's father died or why he's even in jail- I'm sure he'll tell me in time but I'd never force it and I imagine that might not be something he feels comfortable telling many of his friends either.

Everyone grieves in different ways and everyone has their own backgrounds that may include things that make funerals even more difficult. Do not hold it against someone if they do not want to be in a claustrophobic setting of public grieving. A person should never feel forced to handle such an emotional thing just because it is expected of them by people who have never walked a mile in their shoes.
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Old 12-13-2008, 06:02 AM
 
25,864 posts, read 32,856,549 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
Dealing with that baggage for me is having good, decent friends who understand that everyone grieves differently and does not expect me to put myself though psychological torture to prove my friendship.

A childhood friend heard her father shoot himself in the head when she was 10. She doesn't attend funerals. My boyfriend's father died when he was in prison. My boyfriend was 13 years old at the time and refused to acknowledge his father's death (to this day he's unsure if there was a funeral) because he was angry at his father, but is so wracked with guilt over the whole thing now that he does not go to funerals. I have an aunt who was in the hospital for an extended amount of time where many of the friends she made there passed away- she too no longer can handle funerals.

You never know why a person can not attend a funeral and anyone who judges people on their reasons is not a worthwhile friend anyway. A good friend- even in their time of grieving- would not want to cause psychological and (in some cases) physical harm to their friends. Not everyone is comfortable telling people why they do not have the strength to a funeral. I have no idea how my boyfriend's father died or why he's even in jail- I'm sure he'll tell me in time but I'd never force it and I imagine that might not be something he feels comfortable telling many of his friends either.

Everyone grieves in different ways and everyone has their own backgrounds that may include things that make funerals even more difficult. Do not hold it against someone if they do not want to be in a claustrophobic setting of public grieving. A person should never feel forced to handle such an emotional thing just because it is expected of them by people who have never walked a mile in their shoes.
I am not "holding anything against" you. I don't even know you - this is just an open forum. My point was, and remains, that funeral and memorial services are for those that are grieving, and those people that love and care about them should make every effort to attend. If they know you well enough to understand your plight, then I'm sure they will understand your absence. There are all sorts of reasons that people don't make it to these services...obviously they can be as simple as running out of gas, or having an emergency at work, or an extreme emotional issue as in your case. For those otherwise healthy and able folks however, to use such reasons as "I'm not comfortable", or " I don't believe in them", is simply selfish, and shows a lack of empathy. These things are usually overcome with time though. The older we get, the better most of us get at handling such things.

Last edited by ChessieMom; 12-13-2008 at 06:51 AM..
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Old 12-13-2008, 06:17 AM
 
Location: NE Florida
9,362 posts, read 22,773,792 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by political genius View Post
I think that you can really tell alot about people when someone passes away. When my parents died together in a crash we set up a big funeral and few of their so called friends attended. I can remember many people who Mom and Dad talked about for years as being such good friends and wonderful people, did not have the time to go to the viewing, funeral or burial. I found this odd because it was on a number of days. These so called friends sent us a Hallmark Card and said they were sorry they could not attend but were so busy.

In other cases I have seen people show up a funerals of people they had not talked to in years and really did not like.

Why does it take a death to really know about family friends? What has been your experience?
I'm so sorry to hear of the tragic death of your parents and can not begin to know what you are going through.

While on one hand, I understand your feelings totally and from the bereaved's point of view, there is no excuse for such inconsideration. At my brohter's funerals (three different cities) I was overwhelmed by the numbers of people who showed up. I can't tell you how much that meant to us, especially my mother who always worried about him because he never had children and was not close day-to day with the family.

On the other hand, I know that people handle death in many different ways. If the deceased are older, it might be too close to home for their friends to attend. In the case of the traffic crash, it might have been too horrific for them to deal with. Some feel that the person is gone and prefer to remember their friend as they were when living. Many people are not comfortable showing emotion in public. I think in all of these cases, they fail to realize what their non-attendance means to the family that has been left behind.

I hope that you have a strong support network of your own to help you get through this and will say a prayer for you and yor family.
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Old 12-13-2008, 06:21 AM
tao
 
Location: Colorado
720 posts, read 2,964,853 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
Essentially, she's dictating how somebody should mourn the death of a loved one.
So are you. And you're more self-righteous about it than you know.
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Old 12-13-2008, 08:31 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,105 posts, read 34,558,425 times
Reputation: 16155
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
I am not "holding anything against" you. I don't even know you - this is just an open forum. My point was, and remains, that funeral and memorial services are for those that are grieving, and those people that love and care about them should make every effort to attend. If they know you well enough to understand your plight, then I'm sure they will understand your absence. There are all sorts of reasons that people don't make it to these services...obviously they can be as simple as running out of gas, or having an emergency at work, or an extreme emotional issue as in your case. For those otherwise healthy and able folks however, to use such reasons as "I'm not comfortable", or " I don't believe in them", is simply selfish, and shows a lack of empathy. These things are usually overcome with time though. The older we get, the better most of us get at handling such things.
No. Everyone has a right to mourn the way they want to. A funeral is only a public show of grieving. And in the O.P.'s case, the only one put out by his parents' friends not showing up for the funeral was the O.P., as his parents are already happily in heaven. And from the way the O.P. worded his first post, he NEVER even met any of these good friends of his parents. Therefore, these friends don't have any connection to the parent's children, so there is not much reason for them to attend in person. I feel that had only one of his parents passed away, more of these good friends would have showed up to console the surviving spouse.

And the O.P. listened to these stories "for years", so it makes me wonder how old these friends are or if possibly they all drifted apart after a while. If they are senior citizens, perhaps getting around is difficult for them.

Plus one should always graciously respect their guests not showing up. It wasn't an RSVP type of event. With the holidays, layoffs and recession, these other people may have very busy stressful lives right now. All Emily Post standards aside, I don't believe that in order to follow proper etiquette, guests shouldn't have to do their "duty" if it's at some great inconvenience or expense to them, and they shouldn't have to explain themselves either. Family is different and held to a higher standard.

Quote:
Originally Posted by political genius View Post
I think that you can really tell alot about people when someone passes away. When my parents died together in a crash we set up a big funeral and few of their so called friends attended. I can remember many people who Mom and Dad talked about for years as being such good friends and wonderful people, did not have the time to go to the viewing, funeral or burial. I found this odd because it was on a number of days. These so called friends sent us a Hallmark Card and said they were sorry they could not attend but were so busy.

In other cases I have seen people show up a funerals of people they had not talked to in years and really did not like.

Why does it take a death to really know about family friends? What has been your experience?
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