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Old 12-25-2008, 08:35 AM
5,273 posts, read 6,544,064 times
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How would you feel about it?
Would you go to the wake/funeral? My hub doesn't even know I am writing this! but--- need advice--
Dilemma 1:

Father left one day approx. 15 years ago and basically never looked back. Found out he had cancer last year. Received one Xmas card with a picture of himself in it. Never tried to contact my husband... He had sent his brother a letter a few years ago including his sister and his brother in the note BUT never included my husband *his son*.... (very,very rude in my opinion!) He moved around so much most of his family thought he was dead....then he came around last year...... He also told someone that if he died, he doesn't care what happens to him *(no life ins. no cares about who does what or didn't have a will,etc.). He was 82 years old, btw.His mom and dad divorced after 45 years of marriage. He left for another woman. He drove by my husband's house one day about a month after he had left years ago--saw my husband and kept driving.

Dilemma 2:
My husband's brother had my MIL (his own mother)evicted from her own home. Short story--his mother had the home for 55 years. The other son came back with his family and said, can we move in ? My MIL said yes. She ended up living in the in-law apt. in the back of the house while they lived up front. Unfortunately she did not have anything written on paper to make it legal. Of course what happened next is unforgivable but he kicked his own mother out of her home. My husband's sister and himself tried with lawyers to have his mom stay on the property but failed since nothing was written *even though her one son knew deep down it was an agreement between him and his mother*! Needless to say, she is now in senior housing in the same town.. She had given the house to him for free on top of it..

So, obviously my husband has mixed emotions with all of this. Supposedly his brother has made all the funeral arrangements and my husband doesn't want to see him *for obvious reasons why -having his brother treat his mom like dirt.... I told him he could ask the funeral director for a private viewing if he so chose... Basically I had said maybe he should go and pay last respects or go to the cemetery for the burial...I said to do it for himself and no one else...to make peace in his own way? I cannot drag him there but wanted to ask if you had any good advice.. I am at a loss as I had parents who were like Ward and June Cleaver growing up.....and am speechless throughout this ordeal...It is very sad. He has to make a decision soon what to do as it is out of state and have to travel to get there.]

You sure cannot pick your relatives!!
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Old 12-25-2008, 09:45 AM
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 30,676,394 times
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Your husband needs to do what he will not regret looking back upon regardless of what anyone else has done. Regardless of everything, he now must grieve. Not so much the loss of a father but the loss of any possibility of ever having the father/son relationship he wanted. This is the death of hope. He has to choose how he will grieve.

Sorry for his loss.
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Old 12-25-2008, 09:49 AM
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thank you Ivory... It is much appreciated.Very well put.. Thank you again.

Not so much the loss of a father but the loss of any possibility of ever having the father/son relationship he wanted.
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Old 12-25-2008, 09:57 AM
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 29,426,087 times
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I cannot say what your husband should do so what I will do is put myself in his position.

First off, I was not on bad terms when my parents died. I was on bad terms when my brother dies though. he had done many unspeakable things to my parents throughout his life and just in general.

I will go with how I felt about him in this case.

I was so upset with the treatment my Dad got from him. I will not say I hated him but I was really upset with his behavior. The police called my home one day and asked me to identify a body.

My brother. He had obviously been living on the streets and through the ways he treated his body over the years, died.

I went and it was him. I was still angry with him for all he had done. I could hardly tell it was him, but it was him.

He was to be cremated but the funeral director allowed us a simple viewing. We brought some clothes for him and two of his children and my sister went.

She hated him. I never knew a time when they were not at odds.

I looked at him that day and thought how bad a person he had been. Why am I here? Does he deserve my grief?

That day I thought that no, he did not.

I guess that was about 10 years ago, maybe a little more. This day, though, had I not gone I would not be able to forgive myself.

Wounds heal over time and I would much rather have seen him alive. Things can be forgiven, somehow.

I would have a hard time dealing with myself today had I not gone all those years ago.

I would be fighting with myself, asking why I had been so stubborn. Why I could not have been a good person and just gone, if not for just a few minutes.

I am glad I went, I think back, hating the way he looked that day but I do not think I would have been able to forgive myself had I not gone.

Its not like you can turn back time and go back. When someone dies, it is final.
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Old 12-25-2008, 10:37 AM
Location: MA/NH
17,105 posts, read 34,558,425 times
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If I was your husband, I'd not go to the funeral and never speak to the brother again. What the brother did to their mother was wrong, in addition half that house should be your husband's. Did the brother even pay taxes on the "gift" of the house?
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Old 12-25-2008, 11:58 AM
Location: So. of Rosarito, Baja, Mexico
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There are times that a father and son do not totally agree on things short of an argument. Generally the son has to back off and not continue the debate as it is necessary to have some kind of peace even tho he (the son) may feel correct.

That was with me and my dad. We disagreed a lot but that was me and with respect to my dad I backed off. My mother was the person to raise me and dad never said much as I was growing up. He was a mechanic and as a teen I had to help him in the business he had (the third hand). Learned a lot about cars of the era.

Every so often I do think of him and the last few months and days before he had the stroke and passed on. I was the only child and had the sole responsibility of his affairs.

I would highly recomend him seeing his dad for the last time...forgetting the past memories is important...today and the future are ahead of him...he needs a final closing for peace of mind.

Do wish you both well.

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Old 12-25-2008, 12:00 PM
Location: france
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If you try to act in all things - with love, not with hate or anger, no matter how hard it is to do,
that helps - to take the pain away.
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Old 12-25-2008, 12:13 PM
Location: Oxford, OH
1,461 posts, read 3,278,632 times
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I'm sure in your husband's mind his dad has already been dead to him. What a shame and a crime to treat your child like that. I agree I would encourage him sometime to go to the gravesite by himself and make peace. If your husband is a nice person and you have a good relationship then he escaped all this terrible stuff. Be blessed and enjoy each other and your family. No one needs these evil people around them. Go and enjoy life....
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Old 12-25-2008, 12:22 PM
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Default Respect

My ex's father died a few years ago; I did not really care for my then father in law, not even his own family thought highly of him, he treated them all miserably, and the acts of punishments he would impose on his children (my ex) would have him behind bars in these times.

Anyhow, when I learned he was terminally ill, I went to visit him in the hospital, just to pay my last respects. I felt sorry for the family, but still remembered all this man had done and said to his wife and children.

He passed away a few weeks later, and again, I went to the funeral to say goodbye one last time. None of this was out of love for the man, but out of respect for he was in my life for at least a decade. There were some fun times of course, but he was who he was.

As a previous poster said, if your husband does not go, over time he may change, and come to regret it. If he does go, he can never have that regret, but he may forget the significance of it, in which there would be no harm.

Good luck.
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Old 12-25-2008, 01:07 PM
Location: MA/NH
17,105 posts, read 34,558,425 times
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But one doesn't actually have to go to the funeral in order to pay ones last respects properly. If the O.P.'s husband skips going to his dad's funeral (and all the drama that goes with seeing his brother again), then so what? If he changes his mind and wants to say goodbye to his dad later on, he can always visit the grave and have a private quiet farewell.
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