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Old 01-13-2009, 07:55 PM
 
Location: Tennessee bound...someday
2,515 posts, read 4,387,342 times
Reputation: 7116

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I delicately parted ways with a friend last year - more like I just avoided her until she finally got the hint. Here's the summary: We became friends while working together. She was just coming out of a bad divorce, abuse, drug use, etc. She has two sons who at that time were in 5th & 7th grades. The boys were just adorable & soaked up the attention.

Over the past few years, it's become apparent that she prefers her life to be a train wreck that everyone else can help her navigate. I really started pulling back when she referred to me as her best friend - I was her only friend! Kept trying to get her to step outside the comfort zone, made her see that she wasn't my only friend, etc. She went on a few mini-vacations with her parents' snowmobiling club, & her boys stayed with me & my husband. I've since been to her older son's HS graduation & the other's is coming up this spring.

She's done some selfish & irresponsible things the past few years that have made me want to keep my distance. I told her I need to fix my own problems & thus she won't be seeing me, which really was (conveniently) true.

I got a very nice thank you card from her son after graduation; and another card over the holidays. He says he wishes we could do something fun together. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

So, your thoughts? Should I ignore the whole thing? Send him a note back? Call him & offer to take him & his brother out for lunch or something? Or really bite the guilt bullet & get together with the boys & their mom?
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Old 01-13-2009, 08:22 PM
 
3,088 posts, read 7,785,607 times
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no
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Old 01-13-2009, 08:24 PM
 
336 posts, read 682,437 times
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Guilt is not the best reason to keep any relationship going. Perhaps, you need to reevaluate your friendship, and in that process you might either reaffirm or rethink the distance decision.

Someone told me once, "It's easier to lose a friend then gain one". Just a thought....
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Old 01-13-2009, 10:20 PM
 
47,573 posts, read 60,658,925 times
Reputation: 22283
Quote:
Originally Posted by piperspal View Post
I delicately parted ways with a friend last year - more like I just avoided her until she finally got the hint. Here's the summary: We became friends while working together. She was just coming out of a bad divorce, abuse, drug use, etc. She has two sons who at that time were in 5th & 7th grades. The boys were just adorable & soaked up the attention.

Over the past few years, it's become apparent that she prefers her life to be a train wreck that everyone else can help her navigate. I really started pulling back when she referred to me as her best friend - I was her only friend! Kept trying to get her to step outside the comfort zone, made her see that she wasn't my only friend, etc. She went on a few mini-vacations with her parents' snowmobiling club, & her boys stayed with me & my husband. I've since been to her older son's HS graduation & the other's is coming up this spring.

She's done some selfish & irresponsible things the past few years that have made me want to keep my distance. I told her I need to fix my own problems & thus she won't be seeing me, which really was (conveniently) true.

I got a very nice thank you card from her son after graduation; and another card over the holidays. He says he wishes we could do something fun together. Guilt, guilt, guilt.

So, your thoughts? Should I ignore the whole thing? Send him a note back? Call him & offer to take him & his brother out for lunch or something? Or really bite the guilt bullet & get together with the boys & their mom?

I think since he's over 18, yes, you could take him and his brother out for lunch and with or without her. They're capable of their own relationships and friendships at this point and may feel close to you as you were there for them at what may have been a difficult time in their lives.
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Old 01-13-2009, 10:24 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,744,570 times
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Those boys probably see you as a stable adult they can rely on so I think you should go ahead and have a good relationship with them. He is reaching out to you.
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Old 01-14-2009, 03:21 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,225 posts, read 22,611,053 times
Reputation: 24023
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
Those boys probably see you as a stable adult they can rely on so I think you should go ahead and have a good relationship with them. He is reaching out to you.
Yes, I agree with this. Its not their fault their Mother has problems.
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Old 01-14-2009, 03:51 AM
 
Location: Incognito
7,005 posts, read 18,634,425 times
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The kids have nothing to do woth their mom's irresponsibility. Just imagine the look on his face when he sees you at his graduation. He'd be a happy camper. Don't stop seeing them.
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Old 01-14-2009, 04:40 AM
 
Location: Tennessee bound...someday
2,515 posts, read 4,387,342 times
Reputation: 7116
Thanks for your thoughts everyone! I will call him today. Last I heard he wasn't speaking to her, but I will remain as impartial as possible. I have a feeling the subject of her might not even come up.
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Old 01-14-2009, 04:56 AM
 
Location: GLAMA
16,584 posts, read 33,784,550 times
Reputation: 16833
The older one's an adult, the younger one's about to be.... no reason to cut them loose at this point. You've made the right decision.
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Old 01-14-2009, 11:54 AM
 
Location: Planet earth
434 posts, read 845,627 times
Reputation: 363
Quote:
Originally Posted by piperspal View Post
Thanks for your thoughts everyone! I will call him today. Last I heard he wasn't speaking to her, but I will remain as impartial as possible. I have a feeling the subject of her might not even come up.
I agree with one of posters here that the kid is reaching out for you.

Why not to bring some sunshine to somebody's life when you can especially kids?

I am very proud of your decision.
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