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Old 01-24-2009, 10:13 AM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,412 posts, read 6,451,821 times
Reputation: 3054

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Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post

Why is this so shocking to some people? Have they never read of stories of abuse or neglect? Do you really think that women in previous generations who had, say 7, 8, or 10 children for socio-economic reasons had a deep love for each and everyone one of their offspring? And would those who profess shock at this feel similar feelings of surprise to know that some men may feel no love for their own biological child?

Love of a child is a valuable species-continuing trait developed over the millenia by evolutionary biology, but such love is not necessarily universal. It should come as no surprise at all that some women may feel no love for one or more of their children.

Those people who say they can't believe it, it's unthinkable, etc. have a very stunted understanding of human nature.
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Old 01-24-2009, 10:32 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 30,644,558 times
Reputation: 14582
Quote:
Originally Posted by professorsenator View Post
Why is this so shocking to some people? Have they never read of stories of abuse or neglect? Do you really think that women in previous generations who had, say 7, 8, or 10 children for socio-economic reasons had a deep love for each and everyone one of their offspring? And would those who profess shock at this feel similar feelings of surprise to know that some men may feel no love for their own biological child?

Love of a child is a valuable species-continuing trait developed over the millenia by evolutionary biology, but such love is not necessarily universal. It should come as no surprise at all that some women may feel no love for one or more of their children.

Those people who say they can't believe it, it's unthinkable, etc. have a very stunted understanding of human nature.
Believing it and thinking it's ok are totally different things. If she doesn't love this child, she should give the child to someone who can love her. She's harming this child because she doesn't love her. She's condemning her to a life where she feels unlovable because her mother didn't love her.

I have a step son who was not loved by his mother. He's a wreck. It would have been far better for him to have left him on someone's doorstep than to condemn him to the life she did. The last thing a child needs is a heartless mother.
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:11 AM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,676,844 times
Reputation: 7404
My shock and disgust comes from the audacity of the woman to agree to have her name printed in an article that details her lack of affection for her daughter. As such a "well educated" professor you should know that sharing knowledge of her lack of feeling for her daughter in such a public forum could turn out to be a rather slippery emotional slope for this child. Why should the mother subject her unloved child to such pain and public humiliation?

This story is shocking to parents who adore their children and do everything in their power to guarantee they will be safe both physically and emotionally. If you notice, the folks who are giving this woman a pat on the back for her disgusting display of disregard for her childs emotional welfare by publishing their names freely are not even parents!

Of course we all see stories about abuse and abandonment but this fact does not mean we are expected to embrace the idea of children being raised in homes where it is made perfectly clear that they are unwanted and unloved.
So, since we see it all the time, we should be numb to the thought of it , accept it, do nothing to change it and have no opinion on the matter? Yes, the ostrich technique works every time.

Perhaps it is YOUR understanding of human nature that is stunted.

Quote:
Originally Posted by professorsenator View Post
Why is this so shocking to some people? Have they never read of stories of abuse or neglect? Do you really think that women in previous generations who had, say 7, 8, or 10 children for socio-economic reasons had a deep love for each and everyone one of their offspring? And would those who profess shock at this feel similar feelings of surprise to know that some men may feel no love for their own biological child?

Love of a child is a valuable species-continuing trait developed over the millenia by evolutionary biology, but such love is not necessarily universal. It should come as no surprise at all that some women may feel no love for one or more of their children.

Those people who say they can't believe it, it's unthinkable, etc. have a very stunted understanding of human nature.
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Old 01-24-2009, 11:53 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,098 posts, read 34,519,910 times
Reputation: 16140
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
My shock and disgust comes from the audacity of the woman to agree to have her name printed in an article that details her lack of affection for her daughter. As such a "well educated" professor you should know that sharing knowledge of her lack of feeling for her daughter in such a public forum could turn out to be a rather slippery emotional slope for this child. Why should the mother subject her unloved child to such pain and public humiliation?
I'd respectfully like to disagree with you on this. No where in the article does it say that her child is at fault for not having her mother's love. If anything, we can all see that it's a situation of her mother not being able to love her, she's just not wired up that way. And perhaps if the daughter does read the article one day, she will actually feel relief that it was not her imagination that she felt her mother didn't love her, and not her fault that she was unloved. There is nothing in this article for her daughter to feel embarrassed about... and if anything, anyone who reads the article is feeling sympathy towards the daughter. And again, this is a sad problem that should be recognized as not unique or are, and for mothers like these to be encouraged to put their unwanted and unloved children up for adoption to be raised properly and with love.

Condemning this woman is not going to help their situation at all. Condemning and then so harshly judging this mother will only make women like this hide their problems. And you can't guilt trip this woman into feeling real love for her daughter if she isn't capable of it. You know that love can't be faked.

Additionally, by using her real name, hopefully, if no other woman already has, this article will inspire someone to step forward and become the daughter's surrogate mother and female mentor.
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Old 01-24-2009, 12:00 PM
 
193 posts, read 717,789 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
I have to disagree with this. Attachment/bonding at birth is really a myth. I felt like a total failure as a mom with both of my girls because I did not bond at birth. The only emotion I felt at birth was relief that they were born and ok. Then, for the next few weeks, I felt heavy responsibility and protectiveness. In time, it developed into love. I learned later that MOST women do not feel love right at birth. Something like 40% do but the rest of us go through something similar to what I did. More of a logical response than an emotional one to having givne birth. Relief and feeling responsible. Then when we get some time under our belts, love.

If attachment and bonding at birth were required, adopted kids would never be loved and we know that isn't true.
You are correct, perhaps I didn't use the best words. What I was trying to say is that sometimes when circumstances are not the best when a new child joins a family, it can get in the way of bonding. Same as if there is a lot of turmoil at the beginning of a new life, it may cause one or both of the parents to have trouble with feeling "love" towards their children. Adoption doesn't see this most of the time because parents who adopt are usually in a stable, loving situation, so when they bring in a new child (however old it is) that bond is going to be established. I think it has less to do with the age of the child, and more to do with time.
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Old 01-24-2009, 12:03 PM
 
25,797 posts, read 32,783,549 times
Reputation: 31690
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
I'd respectfully like to disagree with you on this. No where in the article does it say that her child is at fault for not having her mother's love. If anything, we can all see that it's a situation of her mother not being able to love her, she's just not wired up that way. And perhaps if the daughter does read the article one day, she will actually feel relief that it was not her imagination that she felt her mother didn't love her, and not her fault that she was unloved. There is nothing in this article for her daughter to feel embarrassed about... and if anything, anyone who reads the article is feeling sympathy towards the daughter. And again, this is a sad problem that should be recognized as not unique or are, and for mothers like these to be encouraged to put their unwanted and unloved children up for adoption to be raised properly and with love.

Condemning this woman is not going to help their situation at all. Condemning and then so harshly judging this mother will only make women like this hide their problems. And you can't guilt trip this woman into feeling real love for her daughter if she isn't capable of it. You know that love can't be faked.

Additionally, by using her real name, hopefully, if no other woman already has, this article will inspire someone to step forward and become the daughter's surrogate mother and female mentor.
And I respectfully disagree with you, as well. I DO think there is something very VERY wrong with ANY mother that feels this way towards her children. I am not saying it doesn't happen, of course it does, we see it every day. Just because it occurs, doesn't mean I have to coddle and sympathize with the behavior, or the person. I don't.
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Old 01-24-2009, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 30,644,558 times
Reputation: 14582
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightwishfan View Post
You are correct, perhaps I didn't use the best words. What I was trying to say is that sometimes when circumstances are not the best when a new child joins a family, it can get in the way of bonding. Same as if there is a lot of turmoil at the beginning of a new life, it may cause one or both of the parents to have trouble with feeling "love" towards their children. Adoption doesn't see this most of the time because parents who adopt are usually in a stable, loving situation, so when they bring in a new child (however old it is) that bond is going to be established. I think it has less to do with the age of the child, and more to do with time.
I disagree. Bonding at birth or even near birth isn't a prerequisite for loving a child. Just because circumstances at birth aren't ideal, doesn't mean mom will not love her child. Circumstances at birth are just that, circumstances at birth.

I was concieved as a result of what would be termed rape today (back then you couldn't rape your legal wife even if you were estranged). My mom did not want another child, she wanted a divorce. Her pregnancy with me forced her back with my father until I was 6 weeks old when he tried to kill us all. Talk about screwed up circumstances but you cannot tell me that my mother didn't love me. She would have given her life for mine in a heartbeat. Circumstances at birth are just circumstances at birth. They do not determine or even interfere with whether or not you love your child in the long run (I can see bad circumstances interfering with bonding as long as they last but even then there's a limit).

Honestly, I did not love either of mine at birth. We bonded over time. I just don't think circumstances of birth determine whether or not mom loves you. Mom would have to be sick to let circumstances the child does not control determine whether or not she loved her child. IMO, there is something wrong with any mother who does not love her children.
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Old 01-24-2009, 12:21 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 30,644,558 times
Reputation: 14582
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
And I respectfully disagree with you, as well. I DO think there is something very VERY wrong with ANY mother that feels this way towards her children. I am not saying it doesn't happen, of course it does, we see it every day. Just because it occurs, doesn't mean I have to coddle and sympathize with the behavior, or the person. I don't.
I agree. Just because things happen doesn't mean we have to accept them as right. Some people do bad things and some people are just bad.
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Old 01-24-2009, 12:33 PM
 
Location: Its easy to be a perfectionist when someone else is doing all the work.
2,230 posts, read 5,448,348 times
Reputation: 4083
I dont have kids. And I agree not all of us were meant to be parents. I too think it was cruel and selfish for this lady to put this out on a public forum for her child to see. Whats even worse is its there for others to see. What child wants to go to school and have everybody know your Mom doesnt love you.

My Gram was someone who should never have had kids. She never wanted my Mom and didnt make any bones about showing it. Didnt care much for me either. Now my uncle. He was her favorite. Mom hated her brother till the day she died. It was funny but sad too. She continuously complained about things that happened when they were kids like it happened yesterday. .
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Old 01-24-2009, 12:38 PM
 
Location: Chicago, IL
8,998 posts, read 13,067,777 times
Reputation: 3536
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
And I respectfully disagree with you, as well. I DO think there is something very VERY wrong with ANY mother that feels this way towards her children. I am not saying it doesn't happen, of course it does, we see it every day. Just because it occurs, doesn't mean I have to coddle and sympathize with the behavior, or the person. I don't.
Well hey, it could be worse...she could hate the child and end up killing it.
I think she's better than some women who hate their child so much, they kill it.
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