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Old 01-26-2009, 09:59 AM
Location: SoCal - Sherman Oaks & Woodland Hills
12,977 posts, read 29,556,238 times
Reputation: 10491


I think it all depends on the relationship you had with the guy you know. I find it odd that you didnt say father of your "friend" but instead said "someone you know". If this guy was your friend AND you know that he may need financial help for the funeral then you should give what is comfortable for you. If this guy was nothing more than a co-worker and you havent seen or spoke with him in a while and you never met his father, I would think that just a card is appropriate. Or, if you're like most guys, you can send your thoughts to him via e-mail instead of dealing with a card.
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Old 01-26-2009, 11:22 AM
Location: Wyoming
9,387 posts, read 17,300,178 times
Reputation: 14017
Donations are usually made "in leu of flowers," so a small donation is perfectly fine. Most people don't donate anything, and that's okay too. Your presence (not presents) is what's appreciated the most.
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Old 01-26-2009, 02:51 PM
Location: Washington, DC & New York
10,830 posts, read 26,329,782 times
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I agree that a small donation to a fund is acceptable, since I have never heard of anyone auditing the finances since it's usually given in the name of the deceased. They may receive a statement that says $500 was donated in someone's name, but they do not get a breakdown that abc sent $5 and xyz sent $300.

The suggestion of a charitable donation is done to create a legacy that can do some good as opposed to temporary ornamentation from flowers. $5 to a cancer research fund, for example, does far more good to help cure or treat diseases than does a purchase of flowers for ornamentation after the basic flower needs are met by the family as part of the funeral planning process.

But, you should never feel obliged to do either, flowers or a donation, since your presence is the most important thing for the family, even if you're not best friends, because it shows that you care. Anything else is a bonus, but would never be measured against others' contributions.
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Old 01-26-2009, 04:15 PM
5,409 posts, read 11,315,390 times
Reputation: 2245
to give or not to give...

we were recently in that situation where the matriarch of a not so well off family died. we went around asking neighbors and other folks who knew the family for a donation. people gave between10 and 50 dollars.

we only got about 350 something dollars, but the family was very appreciative.

if the family is down on their luck then donate what you can.

but if it is one of those: in lieu of flowers donate to the SPCA, then i probably would not feel too compelled to donate money.

if they need it as a family due to financial hardship then give what you can.

as for attendance, well this can create a bond with the long lost "friend". they will appreciate it none the less.

good lcuk.
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Old 01-26-2009, 05:01 PM
Location: Wilmington, NC
412 posts, read 1,106,118 times
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I'm glad you are taking the time to drive 45 min away to attend, as your friend will appreciate it tremendously!

As far as the donation goes, you shouldn't feel obligated. But if you want to give, go for it. Don't feel like you have to give a lot though. Trust me your friend isn't keeping tabs.

When we lost my stepson at age 18, donations from friends and relatives were instrumental in paying for the funeral because we didn't have life insurance on him. Some people only gave $5 or $10, but all those small amounts add up. Between donations from co-workers, friends, and relatives, and the little bit we had in savings, we were able to raise almost the exact amount of money needed. It was amazing how the math worked out. I hope your friend isn't in that type of situation though!
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Old 01-26-2009, 07:33 PM
Location: Texas
1,848 posts, read 4,192,784 times
Reputation: 1197
I think your friend was being proactive. Instead of sending food trays or flowers, Bailey mentioned donations.

You are not obligated to give, you were just pointed in the right direction if you had wanted to do so.
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