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Old 01-29-2009, 12:53 AM
 
2 posts, read 4,124 times
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Hi Friends , I appreciate if some of the Experienced Family men / Women can advice me on my problem detailed below

I am married for almost 1 year . I stay in india and it is an arranged marriage ( Not Love marrage as in most other countries where you love for 3-4 years and then marry ) . I Love my wife very much and she also love me very much

I used to spend my money very carefully before marriage . This is the way i brought up not spending so much money on cloths , bags , eating out and other stuff .. Mean time i need to tell that i am not a miser and i spend money on where it is required and also buy therse cloths and eating out when really required

Things got changed after marriage . I married the elder of 2 daughters . Her sister is studying final year of masters degree . Her father is working , mother housewife .. I don't want to tell my wife spend money very lavish , but she spend much more than ( almost 5 times more than )what i spend for my needs .. Like she buy 5 cloths when i buy 1 .whey i try to tell her not to spend that much , we used to have fight she cry and she tell girls need to buy more cloths , it is not like boys .. She is also Working and earning as much as i earn ..... She will tell , if you don't want to spend on my cloths , it is ok she will spend for her clothes since she earn ... But i felt that is not fair and hence i used to pay for all what we buy ..Also i am paying for all other common expenses like electricity , grocery , house rent etc ... .... I am ok with that and no major complaints for all above mentioned above ( Little bit complaint on she spending more on cloths and other stuff , still ok since she is my wife )

No i have issues with the following .. I told you she also earn money as much as i earn .. Since i am spending on all our family expense i did not give much money to my parents ( Even if i give , i don't think they will take that since they have their pension money and they want me to save our money for our future expenses like buying a house ,car etc .. ). My parents are staying away from me in a different state and i meet them once in a month only when i get leave .. On the other hand her parents are staying in the same city close to our house ........ She Spend lot of moeny on her parents and her sister some times even with out telling me .. She buy her sister jwellery and books and clothes and in some cases i knew about it after months only .. She also give 20% of her salary to her parents every month apart from buying them kitchen items or electronics items evey month .. She also deposited all her earnings till date in her mothers name , when asked she said that that is ment for the marriage of her sister . She also tell she want to deposit more money ( 2 times what she deposited so far ) for her marriage once again ..

We don't have any common bank account and most of the money i have saved before marriage is gone for renting our house , buying house hold items , for our honey moon and aslo buying her Jwellery .. She also dosen't have much money since most of the money she spend for her mother and sister

Because of this i am not in a positive frame of mind because i feel her mother and sister are more important for her .
I have dream of making our own house and leaving the rented house , but for her the priority is giving money to her family and saving for her sister's marriage ( In our community a Girl's marriage is responsibility of her parents and not her elder sister ) .. I am ok spending some of our money for her sister's marriage ( which may happen in another 1 or 2 years ) but not all our money ..

We give lot of money to her parents and sister , but not even 1/10 to my parents ( First reason , my parents will not take money .. insted they will ask me to save it for our house ( which we cannot do since that money also will go to her parents ).. Second i spend for our common expense and her expense , so not much money left for giving to my parents ....

But when i talk about this she used to cry and that make me also sad .. So thing go on like this

I just want to know is there any one else who is in the same situation or is it a common thing and since i am only almost 1 year after marriage i am feeling like this

Please give some good suggestions , you are ok to critizize me also ... I want to come out of my mental preassure because of these issue
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Old 01-29-2009, 01:24 AM
 
Location: In my skin
9,045 posts, read 14,285,304 times
Reputation: 8901
Am I mistaken in my assumption that when married, it becomes "our" money instead of yours and hers? So you're both sending money to your/her family and you should both have a say. Either way, it sounds like she's not being very respectful of you regarding the finances.

Maybe you can go ahead and open that joint account so you can both have access to how the money is spent.
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Old 01-29-2009, 11:11 AM
 
5,429 posts, read 12,636,982 times
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Default $$

'Might be time to look at that dowry again!
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Old 01-29-2009, 07:12 PM
 
Location: america
324 posts, read 771,846 times
Reputation: 199
You need to get control of your househould. Both of you need to sit down and discuss finances- budgets, and future financial goals. Don't let tears deter you from having these types of conversations. A little hurt now will save you from financial ruin in the future.
I understand culturally that family is important- but what about your family. You guys really need to make a budget and stick with it - including money given to family.
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Old 01-29-2009, 07:45 PM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,412 posts, read 6,455,946 times
Reputation: 3054
Sounds like you two have very different views on money and that could be a big problem

First, why do you have money kept separate? This is unusual -- though not unheard of -- in the U.S. for married couples. Such an arrangement is common among unmarried couples living together. Both people keep their money separate but split the bills (rent, utilities) and share expenses (groceries, dining, entertainment)

Among married couples in the U.S. both husband and wife typically work, and all the money is pooled in one account and all bills are paid from the account. Couples usually develop some type of agreement on individual expenses. Some agree that any expense over a certain amount should be discussed with the other partner. Other couples agree that they each have a certain amount of money for each to spend on their own for whatever they want (an individual budget, if you will) Still others have no agreement whatsoever--they just rely on ongoing communication and discussion.

Seems to me what would really help you is to develop a budget and do something like this: you earn x rupees per month, she earns y rupees per month. x+y go into an account, and from that account each month you pay the rent, utilities, groceries, etc. Expenses like personal clothing, gifts for family are subject to a budget -- no more than z rupees per month. Perhaps you agree to set aside and save q rupees per month for the wedding.

It is usual for women to spend more on clothing and accessories, so you might agree that she gets a bigger clothing budget than you do. But the key is that there is a mutually agreed upon limit on how money is spent each month on it. And this is something you BOTH must agree to...you CANNOT dictate it to her (nor she to you).

If she refuses to adhere to the budget then you may have big communication and compatibility problems. It is very common for couples in the U.S. to argue over money and many, many marriages in the U.S. have ended over such matters.
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Old 01-30-2009, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
15,564 posts, read 36,489,807 times
Reputation: 13177
You both need to stop giving money to your parents and siblings and anybody else you are giving money to. Let them make their own money, as you and your wife make your own money. Your wife is female and she is going to spend more money than you on clothes. That's just the nature of the beast. You and your wife need to have a discussion about finances. If you choose to have a joint account, where you both deposit your money into one account, then you both need to refrain from keeping secrets from each other. If you choose to have separate accounts (my husband and I have separate accounts) then you both are somewhat free to spend your money on whatever you want without necessarily consulting each other every time you spend that money. It sounds as if neither of you has a boatload of money, so you should probably talk about your finances and plan where your money is going to go and how much discretionary money your wife can have to buy clothes with.
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Old 01-30-2009, 09:42 AM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,344,356 times
Reputation: 9264
I think the main issue is the fact that you are the only person paying for household expenses. You should sit down with her and go over your budget. She should pay half of the household expenses, beyond that, maybe she could spend what and where she wants.

It seems like her attitude is that hers is a secondary income, being the woman, so all of her money is extra and can be spent frivolously. I know some women like this. "It's his job to support the family, so any money I earn can just be used for whatever."

The sooner you deal with this, the better. You have already waited too long. Habits in a marriage are very difficult to break because you have already established a routine.
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