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I'd love to talk dirt about some of my family members.
First of all my mother is similar to your mom. She likes to have a support system with her family. In a way her and I both feel betrayed by some of our more selfish and apathetic family members that also happen to be highly educated and smart individuals, go figure. My Dad has pretty much already given up and hasn't reached out to too many family members for a while, he has accepted it as it is.
I'd say just about all of my adult cousins are incredibly selfish and apathetic people. They make up all sorts of idiotic excuses of why they can't email or talk on the phone and why they do not visit. We have since had zero expectations for them and hear nothing from them on holidays or birthdays or any occasions.
One of my aunts pretends to be good friends over the phone and by email. Then when you go visit her she zones out and only talks about herself, her problems, and her issues and snubs the rest of the family or she plays favorites and excludes a single person during a gathering. She does this all the time and there is no point in visiting her ever again because she has no redeeming social qualities. We believe she is on medication because her social skills have gone from adequate to bordering on senility and autism within the past decade.
Another aunt is just flat out flippant and bitter to the core of her soul. When I'm around her I actually feel cold. lol.
Thank you Artsy! I appreciate you dishing with me about your own family. It actually helps to know that I'm not the only one with a self-absorbed family. On the bright side, I have my CD friends to talk with. You guys are the best!!!
Believe me Loves, I have tried time after time to reach out. I envy folks who have close knit families and would love something like that for my family but it seems that my parents and I are the only ones who have been willing to put forth the effort. After a while, the rejection starts to wear a person down.
I understand my mothers frustration all to well since it's similar to my own. I just wish she would see how hard it is for me to put myself out there only to run up against a brick wall, over and over. It seems that that onus of holding the family together has fallen to me and she thinks I'm not trying hard enough.
So sorry you're going thru this
Well, you said your mom is a drama queen - that is surely one reason your siblings try to avoid her and family gatherings.
The key to dealing with people like this (especially when you are related to them!) is to not play the games they try to play. You just state simply and matter of factly whatever your position is and REFUSE to get upset no matter what kind of argument or histionics they pull on you. Find a mantra you can just repeat over and over until they get the point that you are not going to be drawn in - something like, Mom I can see you are upset and I am sorry for that. Repeat, repeat, repeat - no more discussion.
As for your brother, if you've tried to contact him and done your best then it's really out of your hands. Maybe just regularly send him little cards of encouragment - with no expectation that he'll respond. That would be taking the high road and your conscience should be clear Good luck!
My mother is a malignant narcissist. She lies, steals, is hooked on prescription drugs, and can't conceive that anybody even exists apart from her. But she covers it all up so well you'd think she was a Sunday School teacher. I don't speak with her anymore. Hard decision, but much, much healthier life.
This blog should make you feel better about your mom: Narcissists Suck
I care about my siblings but I am just plain tired of trying to have a close relationship with others who can't even be
Gizmo, your story sounds exactly like mine. My parents are both deceased and I have one brother, SIL, one niece and nephew (who I love so much). I'm divorced and have no children of my own. I've tried for over 25 years to get closer with my brother but it goes nowhere, just very superficial conversations on birthdays, holidays, etc. They made me feel so unwelcome at Christmas times especially after my Dad died (I've always had to invite myself to visit which I did mainly because I wanted to see my Dad in the nursing home while he was still alive), that I finally just stopped going the past 3 years. And that means I am alone on Christmas...and they think nothing of it, never say a word about it. I get very few phone calls (birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas), emails no answered, never a visit (and I live in a very desirable city to visit), nothing. I went thru such a broken-hearted stage last year when I wasn't invited (or even told) anything about my niece's college graduation and that was really the end. I still wrestle between just not having any communication anymore at all or just having the bare minimum, not sure which makes me feel worse. They obviously just don't like or care about me so I've had to just accept it. The only reason I try to keep some sort of peace is that my brother, too, has a very serious illness and I would feel horrible if he died and we didn't have some kind of contact over the years. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. It is very sad indeed. And, yes, the rejection is unbearable. I've had to do alot of praying about this, and it has helped me tremendously
Last edited by loveautumn; 02-26-2009 at 03:56 PM..
Reason: add
Gizmo, your story sounds exactly like mine. My parents are both deceased and I have one brother, SIL, one niece and nephew (who I love so much). I'm divorced and have no children of my own. I've tried for over 25 years to get closer with my brother but it goes nowhere, just very superficial conversations on birthdays, holidays, etc. They made me feel so unwelcome at Christmas times especially after my Dad died (I've always had to invite myself to visit which I did mainly because I wanted to see my Dad in the nursing home while he was still alive), that I finally just stopped going the past 3 years. And that means I am alone on Christmas...and they think nothing of it, never say a word about it. I get very few phone calls (birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas), emails no answered, never a visit (and I live in a very desirable city to visit), nothing. I went thru such a broken-hearted stage last year when I wasn't invited (or even told) anything about my niece's college graduation and that was really the end. I still wrestle between just not having any communication anymore at all or just having the bare minimum, not sure which makes me feel worse. They obviously just don't like or care about me so I've had to just accept it. The only reason I try to keep some sort of peace is that my brother, too, has a very serious illness and I would feel horrible if he died and we didn't have some kind of contact over the years. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. It is very sad indeed. And, yes, the rejection is unbearable. I've had to do alot of praying about this, and it has helped me tremendously
I share your frustration about being torn over whether to keep trying to maintain contact or just give up. I love and value family & friends so it is hard to understand when the ones you value don't share the same sentiment or do so at a much lesser degree.
Gizmo, sometimes when people are dying they come to their senses a little bit and realize what selfish a**es they've been. It may be that that will happen with your brother and you two may create a new connection that was never there before--or maybe not, but you will feel like the bigger person if you go see him at least once before he dies. I'm sorry for what you've been thru w/ your family--mine is pretty insane too, but I guess I'd go see my nutty sis if she were dying, though we've not been in contact for years--sometimes dying is a new beginning.
YAY, an excuse to rant about my family!
Well first off I have to say that me and my two sisters get along really well, and talk all the time which I am very thankful for. The problem is our parents, they are SO dependent on their children that it makes our lives much harder. They depend on us emotionally and financially. Non of us are out of our 20's so we are trying to get our lives together but our parents are making things so much harder for us. Our father hasn't had a job for years because he is so overweight and our mother is the only one working. We are called almost daily and we get almost constant guilt trips over not going to see them (we live in the same area). Its impossible to communicate to our father unless we agree with everything he says because he gets so angry so quickly over stupid things. This kind of behavior we could accept if they were in say their 60s but they are still fairly young and its too early for us kids to have to take care of them and be responsible for their happiness. We have confronted our father before about his irresponsibility but that only made him angry and he never changed at all. Its very stressful for all of us having to deal with them and worry about how they are going to survive.
Do You Ever Get Fed Up With Some Members of Family
OMG, I could have written this post myself. I felt like I was reading all about my family.
About 8 years ago, I had a major blow out with one of my siblings. I had been taking care of an elderly Aunt long distance and was trying to get her into a good rest home up in Maine. I had hired some help who lived in Maine quite close to my Aunt and was paying for this help. For some reason, my older sibling decided to poke her nose into helping me get my Aunt into this one particular home and ended up getting the Nurse in charge at the home in a lot of trouble with the Administrator. I had emailed my assistant up there and told her to please not be discouraged and although my sister was just trying to help she did tend to be "nosy". Well, somehow I ended up forwarding that email to my sister and she found out I called her "nosy"...the manure hit the fan and I got called every name in the book and then some. I have NEVER in my life heard such vile language coming from a grown woman...my sister at that point should have been arrested! Anyhow, it started a whole firestorm with my 3 other sisters who all immediately took sides; two for me and one for her. Stupid, but that's what happened. I apologized a total of 5 times, 3 emails and 2 voice mail messages.
The backstabbing and the name calling over the next 8 years was just awful...like a bunch of grade school kids fighting over who gets to be Hall Monitor next.
Well, my Aunt passed away and didn't leave much behind. She had no children and lived in a trailer in Maine. What little money she had, I divided between ALL siblings and of course did NOT get a thank you from the one who was mad at me..not a big deal. Later I learned that they felt I was stealing from this Aunt. This hurt, but I kept on living my life and didn't worry about it. My Mom who was almost 80 at the time and headed for a home herself wanted us to forgive and go on. It just was not going to happen.
So, Mom goes in the home and now her house is up for sale. I had no interest in it and no one else in the family did with the exception of yet another sibling who wanted her son to buy it. The rest of us didn't care but didn't find out that this was going on until the deal was already done! Would like to have known but did NOT want the house to begin with. Now there was yet another sibling who was not speaking to 3 of us.
Ok........enter year 2008...almost 9 years since all this crap began. I go to the doctor and find out I have an Anterior Aortic Aneurysm (upper area) and it is LARGE and needs to be repaired. I find out from the heart doctor at Yale University that this is hereditary and I will have to let my siblings know. I get on the email and immediately tell ALL of them even the ones who have been wretched to me what is going on. We begin communicating once again and I have to admit it has been nice.
Prior to surgery and immediately after, I had all the attention in the world from family and was loving life. We all got along well, no one was angry any longer, life was good. Well, here I am a year later and no one calls, no one visits back to the way it was. I don't like that they were all so scared when I was sick and now that things for me are better, I am no longer a part of their lives. Do I let it run my life...NOPE...like you, I simply don't go out of my way for any of them. Funniest part of this whole mess....I am now closest to the sister who got the angriest with me and called me all those wretched names. She and I are in touch regularly..she lives out of state.
YES......there are other dysfunctional families out there who act EXACTLY like yours...I am in one!!
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I care about my siblings but I am just plain tired of trying to have a close relationship with others who can't even be
