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Old 03-08-2009, 10:06 AM
 
802 posts, read 2,029,407 times
Reputation: 466

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a little background here, I had a 'best friend' for over 20 years. We went through a lot together, her divorce, my break-up of a long term relationship, etc. Lots of good times, but the one thing that was constant throughout the friendship, is I did most of the 'work" whether it was planning trips, dinners, general things to do around the area, etc. I research and paid for most of the things and she paid me back. As she was a single parent, I accepted this, and could afford to do this. It was always in the back of my mind, I wish she would do some of this, planning trips, look into hotels, or whatever we were doing, but it always fell on me, and I did it.

Well, about 7 years ago, she blindsided me with the comment "I've decided to stop doing things with friends who can't 'help me find a man'. I've decided I need to have a man in my life and if my friends can't help, I just don't have the time for them". Well, I didn't know how to respond, then she says, "I don't mean you, you'll always be there for me, but so and so and her and her have to go." Right there I said to myself this friendship is over. It sounded like something her teenage daughters would say. So over the next 6-7 months, we drifted apart, and I was fine with it....almost relieved. I went on with my life.

Fast foward to last month and my mother passed away. I guess she heard from mutual friends that she passed, because I received a sympathy card from her ASKING ME TO BECOME HER FRIEND AGAIN. She admitted she had been self-centered and not a very good friend (really?!?!?!). gave me her contact numbers and asked me to think about it.

I am still stunned....I just don't think I have the energy to deal with her drama again, but then maybe she has changed. I keep going back and forth, I no longer live in the same state and doubt very much she'd come here for visits, and after my parents estate is probated, I have no reason to go to that state.

What would you do???
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Old 03-08-2009, 10:18 AM
 
3,674 posts, read 7,180,863 times
Reputation: 2564
Why not be her friend? If she gets b****y again, don't be her friend anymore.
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Old 03-08-2009, 10:28 AM
 
Location: Charlotte. Or Detroit.
1,411 posts, read 2,351,592 times
Reputation: 2834
I guess it would depend on what she meant by being her friend again. I certainly wouldn't have any part of a relationship with her if it was going to be even remotely similar to your previous relationship with her.

Basically, I'd send her an email and say hey. And that's it. From then on, I would only respond to her emails.

My prediction is you'll exchange a couple emails. She'll call, you'll talk, she'll realize you won't be her puppy anymore, and you won't hear from her again. But who knows? Maybe she has changed. And if you don't think visits are really gonna happen anyway, well... how much time does an email relationship really take? As much as you want really. If you don't wanna be phone friends, don't be. Tell her you don't have the time. You get to make the rules. Good luck.
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Old 03-08-2009, 10:29 AM
 
Location: Connecticut
1,461 posts, read 2,871,519 times
Reputation: 1591
Default Starting Friendship again

You should never have to work at keeping a friendship. I am older and have several friends that have been my friends for 30 plus years. Not once have any one of them behaved as badly as your friend did. She surely has/had a shallow personality and that comment about friends finding her a man, was she kidding? What man would want her for any length of time.

I have to be honest with you. Be very careful while your parents estate is going through probate that she isn't wanting to come back to see what she can get from you. Anyone with a personality like hers that does nothing but bleed her friends for what she can get does not derserve to be trusted. It is just strange that she wants back in now?

Be careful..pursue this again if you so choose, but I would not.
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Old 03-08-2009, 10:36 AM
 
Location: new jersey
315 posts, read 642,401 times
Reputation: 293
i think you need to look at it from how you feel, not from how she does. is there anything you really miss about her? does the shared history outweigh the negative?

i think you can maintain a friendship thru email, cards and the occassional phone call. if it means anything to you. life is too short to waste time with people who are shallow, incosiderate or apathetic. i know i've recently re-connected with old friends from college and highschool thru facebook and i love it. i'm still very, very good friends with 4 women who i've known all my life and i love having that history with them.

bottom line, do only what feels right to you. and you are always in control of how you react to her. if she turns into the same drama queen, say bye-bye.
good luck~
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Old 03-08-2009, 10:43 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
17,218 posts, read 20,234,231 times
Reputation: 26304
One of life's lessons is that you should not burn your bridges. You and she are separated by the miles, so it's not likely that she will be taking up much of your time or energy. An occasional email or phone call is no big deal. Maybe she has matured and grown into a better person.

I guess what I'm saying is, it takes a long time to grow old friends who know your history and with whom you have shared experiences. How many of our friends would we really want to spend a lot of time with? Everyone is flawed, including you. You know you invested more in the relationship than you should have the last time, so just keep the boundaries at a place in which you are getting as much as you are giving.
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Old 03-08-2009, 11:06 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,304 posts, read 17,053,510 times
Reputation: 11751
Quote:
Originally Posted by littlelou View Post
a little background here, I had a 'best friend' for over 20 years. We went through a lot together, her divorce, my break-up of a long term relationship, etc. Lots of good times, but the one thing that was constant throughout the friendship, is I did most of the 'work" whether it was planning trips, dinners, general things to do around the area, etc. I research and paid for most of the things and she paid me back. As she was a single parent, I accepted this, and could afford to do this. It was always in the back of my mind, I wish she would do some of this, planning trips, look into hotels, or whatever we were doing, but it always fell on me, and I did it.

Well, about 7 years ago, she blindsided me with the comment "I've decided to stop doing things with friends who can't 'help me find a man'. I've decided I need to have a man in my life and if my friends can't help, I just don't have the time for them". Well, I didn't know how to respond, then she says, "I don't mean you, you'll always be there for me, but so and so and her and her have to go." Right there I said to myself this friendship is over. It sounded like something her teenage daughters would say. So over the next 6-7 months, we drifted apart, and I was fine with it....almost relieved. I went on with my life.

Fast foward to last month and my mother passed away. I guess she heard from mutual friends that she passed, because I received a sympathy card from her ASKING ME TO BECOME HER FRIEND AGAIN. She admitted she had been self-centered and not a very good friend (really?!?!?!). gave me her contact numbers and asked me to think about it.

I am still stunned....I just don't think I have the energy to deal with her drama again, but then maybe she has changed. I keep going back and forth, I no longer live in the same state and doubt very much she'd come here for visits, and after my parents estate is probated, I have no reason to go to that state.

What would you do???
Do what you want to do. If this friendship serves no purpose in your life, don't restart it. Sometimes you outgrow a freindship and it's best to move on.
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Old 03-09-2009, 01:49 PM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,740,264 times
Reputation: 3460
Quote:
Originally Posted by littlelou View Post
She admitted she had been self-centered and not a very good friend. gave me her contact numbers and asked me to think about it.

I am still stunned....I just don't think I have the energy to deal with her drama again, but then maybe she has changed. I keep going back and forth. What would you do???
I would say for your own peace of mind, and not being troubled by "what ifs" give it a chance on terms that feel non-demanding for you, whatever that is: a letter, e-mails, a phone call.

For someone to say, recognize, and admit they were a not good friend and self-centered DOES show change in a positive direction.

You owe her nothing "for old times sake" or any other reason. You do owe yourself peace of mind and perhaps comfort and support from a friend during a time when you could possibly use it.

And if you recognize an imbalance, only do things that feel balanced to you, only do things where you DON"T feel taken advantage of, so history does not repeat itself. That requres some clear boundaries and healthy communication on your part.
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