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Hello
About 3 weeks ago my father became very ill, 2 weeks ago the doctors were discussing if it was ethicly defendable to keep him alive for much longer since the bacteria poisining his blood had spread to his heart, lungs and brain and caused braindamage. My mother got to know all this as it developed and called about 12-13 times a day, but only half of the calls were about the situation (my mom and dad has lived in separate citys for the last 11 years and were separated before that) The other half was about silly stuff that doesn't matter like reminding me to brush my teeth and wash my hands whenever I got home from anywhere, which in it self is quite irritating at the age of 18. Due to the situation with my father and the lack of point in her calls I asked her to give me some space.
She agreed to this, but 5 minutes later she called me and was furious saying I was cocky to her and disrespected her, that my aunt (who had answered the phone a couple of calls back was plotting against her together with my sister etc.
The day after she called and told me that I had better head back to her place and pick up my stuff, or she would throw everything from my computer and football pads to my clothes in the garbage.
She also took te opportunity to call my 88 year old grandma (fathers mother) to tell her "You're a *****", and also told me she hoped my father would die.
The day after that I made the trip back to her place to pick up my stuff, and arrived late in the evening. She said I shouldn't drive so late and told me I could stay during the night and go the day after. After some arguing I agreed to this. But the day after she locked the door behind me after I had taken one armfull of stuff, including a lock that she knew I don't have the key to. So I banged the door and everything trying to make her let me move out.
I went to the police, but they wouldn't help me, saying they had no right to do anything, so I went back and banged on the door until she called the cops. when they arrived she accused me of having attempted to murder her, and denying me the right to move out. the cops talked to me about the situation and to her aswell, in the end they held my mother while I took my stuff out. Unfortunatly she has scattered all my packings all over the apartment and hidden stuff in drawers etc so alot is unfortunatly missing.
A couple of days later (5 days ago) my father died.
She has since changed her mind about 6 times to me not being welcome at home and "ordering" me to move back. I have made her communicate via email so that I can show her what she has been saying when she denies it (which I'm sure she will). My halfsister(on my fathers side) let's me stay at her place and since I told my mother the day before yesterday my mother has accused my sister and me for all sorts of things including insest, mental illness etc. While every once in a while sending emails that almost implies none of it has happened like "hi how are you I miss you" to then in the next email turn back to saying "your mentally I'll, I will sue you for how you've used me" etc, even if I haven't replied in between.
My question is:
Do you think I Should just abort all contact with my mother?
She wants to know when the burial ceremony of my father is does she have a right to know? I fear she will show up and make a cirkus by physicly and verbally assaulting my relatives.
I am so sorry about your Loss and deepest condolences.
As for your Mother, she does sound unstable and in need of a shrink.
I stopped all contact with my Mother for good last year after 20 years of minimal contact because of her high level of toxicity and I have to say I do feel much better for knowing she shall never bother me again, make me feel bad or treat me badly.
At some point as adults we all need to take difficult decisions and look after ourselves. Other people, espcially family can make life hell and it is just not worth it. Respect and love are supposed to go both ways and if you feel that your relationship is in any way damaging you I would personally sever all ties.
I must admit personally I have found it very cathartic and freeing being able to get rid of my mother. I spent years trying to remain civil to her for the sake of my beloved Grand-Mother and it caused me no end of pain,depression and problems.
Also being able to actually be honest to the woman about how I actually really, honestly felt about her was like having a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It was the most difficult conversation I ever had but also the most liberating.
If she is mentally ill though I would probably try and find her some shrink to help and if she is resistant to the idea suggest it strongly to someone who might have her ear.
Do not let her poison you. Life is too short.
Your Mother does not have any rights as far as I am concerned towards someone she was long,long not in contact with. She sounds completely unbalanced so I think it is better to spare the feelings of the mourners ( including yourself ) instead of hers just in case she does make a scene.
Mothers are not always what they are supposed to be. It is OK and normal to want a nice quiet and pleasant life. Do not feel guilty about it.
I am so sorry about your Loss and deepest condolences.
As for your Mother, she does sound unstable and in need of a shrink.
I stopped all contact with my Mother for good last year after 20 years of minimal contact because of her high level of toxicity and I have to say I do feel much better for knowing she shall never bother me again, make me feel bad or treat me badly.
At some point as adults we all need to take difficult decisions and look after ourselves. Other people, espcially family can make life hell and it is just not worth it. Respect and love are supposed to go both ways and if you feel that your relationship is in any way damaging you I would personally sever all ties.
I must admit personally I have found it very cathartic and freeing being able to get rid of my mother. I spent years trying to remain civil to her for the sake of my beloved Grand-Mother and it caused me no end of pain,depression and problems.
Also being able to actually be honest to the woman about how I actually really, honestly felt about her was like having a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It was the most difficult conversation I ever had but also the most liberating.
If she is mentally ill though I would probably try and find her some shrink to help and if she is resistant to the idea suggest it strongly to someone who might have her ear.
Do not let her poison you. Life is too short.
Your Mother does not have any rights as far as I am concerned towards someone she was long,long not in contact with. She sounds completely unbalanced so I think it is better to spare the feelings of the mourners ( including yourself ) instead of hers just in case she does make a scene.
Mothers are not always what they are supposed to be. It is OK and normal to want a nice quiet and pleasant life. Do not feel guilty about it.
Sometimes learning to let go of family, no matter how close they are is the hardest lesson in life.
Your mother sounds like she is truly miserable and won't be happy until she makes everyone else miserable. If at all possible, try to have another family member take up the cause of her seeking mental help. If not possible, change your phone number, block her email for a while, give yourself some space to heal both from your loss and from the trauma she's caused during such a time. Forget about your "stuff" if you can or arrange for someone else to get it (uncles, aunts, halfsister whoever).
Importantly, allow yourself to focus on and grieve for your father. I don't think your mother has an 'entitlement' to be at the funeral. If most agree that it is for the best, don't invite her.
You too need to get this all out of your system, so if it helps post your afterthoughts or feelings here, talk to friends, strangers....just get it out so you can move on.
May your father rest in peace. I'm so sorry for your loss.
It does sound like she had a breakdown. I have seen my fair share of bizarre behavior in the event of a family death. Family deaths often bring out the worst in people. I don't know why that is. It happened in my husband's when their mother died. I and one of his sisters didn't speak for 7 years.
I do think you are very wise for forcing her communication through email. It has saved me many times when I needed proof for something.
It also sounds like she was still transitioning from seeing you as a man instead of her little boy at home. That's obvious when she worried about you brushing your teeth. She was losing a husband that she probably still loved despite the distance between them, and at the same time saw the threat of her little boy leaving soon, too (or were you?).
I think you all should have a private service to include you, your siblings, and your mother only (she has the right to be there). But proceed with a regular service so that everyone else can pay their condolences without "the circus", and go to that one, too. It will be a lot more pleasant.
Since her children have become her enemy, she needs her own siblings (your aunt) to step up to the plate and make her get help. But she can't force it on her. And there probably isn't much any of you can do until her rage subsides. And I do think there is a lot of pent-up ANGER that is clouding her mind. But as long as she refuses to help herself, you need to live OUT of her house.
Bluesbabe I think U missunderstood this a bit...
My mother and father separated before I was born, they were never married.
I didn't mension this but she has on several occasions wished him dead.
It's not a loss for her in any way. She hated his guts and tried to alienize me from him from the moment I was born.
My aunt is my fathers sister not my mothers.
My aunt fears that my mother is going to travel to her city and attack her...
The next thing is that I think you're doing the right thing in keeping contact with your mother at a minimum. I barely have contact with my mother since she is a very controlling person and I'm a lot older than 18. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go but it's also a needed life experience.
Bluesbabe I think U missunderstood this a bit...
My mother and father separated before I was born, they were never married.
I didn't mension this but she has on several occasions wished him dead.
It's not a loss for her in any way. She hated his guts and tried to alienize me from him from the moment I was born.
My aunt is my fathers sister not my mothers.
My aunt fears that my mother is going to travel to her city and attack her...
Sorry for the misunderstanding. Doesn't sound any less complicated, though. If anything, it's more puzzling that she reacted as she did.
Sounds like she needs to "go away" for a while if she's making people feel threatened even when they live elsewhere. Can you and your sister find a social worker or mental health agency to speak to about this? She's in need of help, alright, but she needs specialized help.
Sad.
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