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Old 04-05-2009, 08:40 PM
 
Location: The best little city in the country
267 posts, read 792,403 times
Reputation: 367

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I had a best friend all through highschool and for several years after. She did something later, that I found truly unforgivable at the time, and I quit talking to her. Years went by, and I get the fact that its not really my place to be pissed off about a choice that was only hers to make. However, the few times she has contacted me, and wanted to reconcile, listening to her talk about "how much she has missed me in her life" and how she wants "the closeness we used to have" made me realize that I just didn't really miss her when she was gone. We had kind of drifted into different paths before we quit talking, and afterwards, it was just a lot clearer to see that I was a much happier person without her.

So, I turned her down as politely as I could, and told her I just really wasn't interested in being her friend, and that the paths we had chosen didn't really leave us much in common to base a new friendship on.

She still contacts me once a year or so, and nowadays I just ignore her phone calls and emails when they come around. I figure I gave her the nice answer once, I don't need to waste any more time trying to get my point across.
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Old 09-05-2009, 07:04 PM
 
157 posts, read 495,457 times
Reputation: 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner View Post
Thanks to all who replied. A bit more detail may help clarify the issue.

"Bobby" (whom I've written about here in the past) is somebody I met in college. For a while back then we were good friends, along with a few other guys. We had our own interests and other friends, but we were on good terms until our senior year of school. That final year, I decided not to live in a multi-room suite with him or other guys and went to a regular room.

By senior year we were already drifting apart a bit.

I graduated first, and then, we were separated by distance. We did try to keep in touch, and to his credit, he'd make long-distance calls. THen he got married quite early.

I moved back to town in my later 20s and got reunited with him (and with another college friend, Stuart). At first it seemed like old times. But even before I'd moved back to town, I had begun to notice that I was not alone in feeling that there wasn't much depth to my friendship with Bobby. Stuart (who is now my closest friend and has been so for a number of years) told me in our occasional phone calls during my time way that Bobby would call on occasion, and yet, Stuart just felt "there isn't much to talk about with Bobby."

Eventually, Stuart in his quiet manner just stopped all contact with Bobby and sees him at the most once a year. Stuart told me he no longer considers Bobby a friend, and rather, just an acquaintance with whom Stuart shares a past.

Through Bobby, I was reunited with "John," who also went to school with us. I moved to a town near John's about 1 1/2 year ago and we became good friends. John isn't perfect, but I can actually bond and communicate with John as I can with Stuart and in the way that I just can't with Bobby.

The more I hung out with John the less I felt like hanging out with Bobby. I then learned from John that Bobby had been guilty of some social gaffes with John as he had been with me for years (chronic lateness to get-togethers, taking days at a time to return phone calls, etc).

There were a few social gaffes in 2008 that pushed me over the edge once and for all not to ever call Bobby again. John (and Stuart, I might add) knows about them, as he witnessed them, and doesn't blame me for being upset. But John thinks I'm being too harsh for "cutting off" Bobby.

John also feels dealing with Bobby can be extremely frustrating. But he does so nonetheless. Nearly 1 month ago, John had a party at his home, and many people came; Bobby and his wife and kids were there. It was the first time I was having any contact with Bobby since autumn of 2008, and yet again, Bobby said something that irked me. As I was at somebody's home as a guest and as there were women and children present, I had to hold it in; had we been at a bar with the "boys" only, I would've snapped.

John and his wife told me that they don't blame me for wishing not to deal with Bobby; they themselves at times have felt the same. But one factor that stops them from "cutting" Bobby off altogether is that they have a friendly and stress-free relationship with Bobby's wife, Jane. Jane is quiet and well-behaved and she's never done any of the mistakes Bobby has become infamous for. She's also very polite and indeed, a lovely person. Jane likes me and was grateful to me in the past for gifts I gave to Bobby's and Jane's young children when they were born (of course, at a time Bobby and I were closer).

So if I got married and didn't invite Bobby, then by default Jane wouldn't come either. I'd feel bad about THAT - keeping Jane out - but I wouldn't feel an iota of regret about excluding Bobby.

I'm not trying to make it sound as if Bobby is a monster; he is not a bad person. He did do kind gestures to me in the past, such as inviting me (and Stuart and John and others too) to his house for dinner. But again, this was at a time we were closer, and I don't believe (not anymore, anyway) that I am obligated to keep him as a friend, to share more personal events and news of my life with him, or to invite him to an important social function, just because he invited me to dinner in 2002, 2004, etc.

Does this make sense guys? What do you say?
this is hilarious.

you're over-analyzing/looking way to deep into it, like a woman would.

if i were you, i'd **** bobby's wife...

You say she's polite and receptive to you, so make a move on her.

****ing another mans wife is the best way to get revenge on him...
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Old 09-05-2009, 07:32 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,302,020 times
Reputation: 39844
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner View Post
As I'm getting older, I'm realizing more and more that there are certain people in life whom you once think of as friends, but as time passes, you realize that they and you were never really close to begin with, or people change and you realize that they and you aren't compatible, and there really isn't depth to your friendship.

Add to this the fact that I've become someone with no tolerance for BS and that I am not afraid to "cut people off," sometimes less than smoothly if necessary.

For you... for important social functions, such as, say, your engagement or wedding. Did you invite one-time friends you drifted apart from? I don't mean people whom you have not seen in a while but you still are friendly with. I mean people you were closer to, but you realize you don't like them as much as you once did, and you just don't miss them at all? You don't need and don't care for their friendship? Do you include them just out of protocol?

Only if they are related by marriage.
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Old 09-07-2009, 04:27 AM
 
Location: In my skin
9,043 posts, read 14,273,249 times
Reputation: 8900
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner View Post
As I'm getting older, I'm realizing more and more that there are certain people in life whom you once think of as friends, but as time passes, you realize that they and you were never really close to begin with, or people change and you realize that they and you aren't compatible, and there really isn't depth to your friendship.

Add to this the fact that I've become someone with no tolerance for BS and that I am not afraid to "cut people off," sometimes less than smoothly if necessary.

For you... for important social functions, such as, say, your engagement or wedding. Did you invite one-time friends you drifted apart from? I don't mean people whom you have not seen in a while but you still are friendly with. I mean people you were closer to, but you realize you don't like them as much as you once did, and you just don't miss them at all? You don't need and don't care for their friendship? Do you include them just out of protocol?
I have in the past but I wouldn't now. The only people I'd invite are those who are active in my life. Heck, it may end up that one can only attend my funeral by invitation.....lol.
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Old 09-07-2009, 01:32 PM
 
Location: Northside Of Jacksonville
3,284 posts, read 6,086,550 times
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For me, whenever there's social functions I only invite friends/acquaintances and some family because those are who I feel closest to.
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Old 09-07-2009, 01:37 PM
 
Location: NYC area
3,486 posts, read 5,053,580 times
Reputation: 3848
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner View Post
For you... for important social functions, such as, say, your engagement or wedding. Did you invite one-time friends you drifted apart from? I don't mean people whom you have not seen in a while but you still are friendly with. I mean people you were closer to, but you realize you don't like them as much as you once did, and you just don't miss them at all? You don't need and don't care for their friendship? Do you include them just out of protocol?
This is one of the reasons I hate so-called "social functions". I make it a point never to organize any. If I decide to have a dinner party, I invite whoever I feel like spending time with. The only people invited to my wedding were immediate family.
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