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Old 04-24-2009, 05:46 PM
 
350 posts, read 3,581,107 times
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I'm a 30-year-old, happily married gal. I've only lived in my city for a few years, and don't have many friends yet. I met this gal at my workplace--she was assigned to my team a few months ago. I hadn't known her before that. We hit it off, and started hanging out. We went out about 4 times for lunch, shopping, also went out for dinner, talked on the phone, emailed frequently. We had a lot in common, and we always had stuff to talk about. She mentioned not having many friends as she was transfered here for her husband's work.

Then, suddenly, she dropped me. Stopped returning my emails, no further contact. I have no idea what happened. We had such a nice friendship going, and I really liked her. Our team project is over soon, so I won't have to see her much after this, but I'm really confused.

I have no idea what I did to make her drop me. This happened once before, about two years ago, when I met a gal at a knitting club. We hit it off, started hanging out, then after about two months she dropped me, with no explanation.

I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I only have two other friends in this city, and unfortunately they're often busy so I only see them about once every 6 weeks. I am making more attempts to meet people but it's hard as an adult, especially being married.

I'm trying not to let this bother me, but the fact is that it is. I'm sure she hasn't given a second thought to it, but it's been on my mind a lot, though I'm trying to stop thinking about it. It's making me question myself and what I'm doing wrong. Before we moved here, I never had any problems making friends. I feel pretty isolated here, and sadly, we never get any invitations for weekend plans--I really miss that.
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Old 04-24-2009, 05:57 PM
 
12,120 posts, read 28,458,930 times
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Default it's a tough one

you refer to yourself as a happily married person--i'm thinking maybe you said something or gave off some kind of vibe indicating you were happily married and it was taken the wrong way perhaps with jealousy or envy, who knows

you also refer to yourself as happily married but then talk about how you never go out and how you don't have many friends

just wondering about the friendship(not many friends)/activity(not going out) void since you refer to it twice
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Old 04-24-2009, 06:00 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,496 posts, read 74,394,948 times
Reputation: 47887
you cant lose what you never had. if she were a true friend she would have not done
that.
how we feel about ourselves is no measure of who we are.
none whatsoever. how we feel about ourselves and our performance are often unrelated.
when we let others direct how we see ourselves, esp the unworthy we give them enormous power over us.

Last edited by Huckleberry3911948; 04-24-2009 at 07:13 PM..
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Old 04-24-2009, 06:02 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,104 posts, read 34,533,299 times
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Was this co-worker married or single? Maybe she is spending more time these days with her s/o.
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Old 04-24-2009, 06:04 PM
 
350 posts, read 3,581,107 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rlrl View Post
you refer to yourself as a happily married person--i'm thinking maybe you said something or gave off some kind of vibe indicating you were happily married and it was taken the wrong way perhaps with jealousy or envy, who knows

you also refer to yourself as happily married but then talk about how you never go out and how you don't have many friends

just wondering about the friendship(not many friends)/activity(not going out) void since you refer to it twice
Well, she was having marriage problems--that could be it. I don't think I ever really discussed any details about being happily married though, I'm a very sensitive person.

Hubby works very long hours so we don't get to go out as much as I'd like--he works a couple of weekends per month in addition. I don't have many friends because we've only lived here a couple of years and outside of work I really haven't met that many people. I keep urging hubby to make guy friends and have a "bromance" but he says he's too busy (which is true--he has no free time). For instance, this week I don't think we ate together even once--he worked late every night.
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Old 04-24-2009, 06:07 PM
NCN
 
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
21,135 posts, read 21,826,625 times
Reputation: 23216
Quote:
Originally Posted by kibblesandbits View Post
I'm a 30-year-old, happily married gal. I've only lived in my city for a few years, and don't have many friends yet. I met this gal at my workplace--she was assigned to my team a few months ago. I hadn't known her before that. We hit it off, and started hanging out. We went out about 4 times for lunch, shopping, also went out for dinner, talked on the phone, emailed frequently. We had a lot in common, and we always had stuff to talk about. She mentioned not having many friends as she was transfered here for her husband's work.

Then, suddenly, she dropped me. Stopped returning my emails, no further contact. I have no idea what happened. We had such a nice friendship going, and I really liked her. Our team project is over soon, so I won't have to see her much after this, but I'm really confused.

I have no idea what I did to make her drop me. This happened once before, about two years ago, when I met a gal at a knitting club. We hit it off, started hanging out, then after about two months she dropped me, with no explanation.

I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I only have two other friends in this city, and unfortunately they're often busy so I only see them about once every 6 weeks. I am making more attempts to meet people but it's hard as an adult, especially being married.

I'm trying not to let this bother me, but the fact is that it is. I'm sure she hasn't given a second thought to it, but it's been on my mind a lot, though I'm trying to stop thinking about it. It's making me question myself and what I'm doing wrong. Before we moved here, I never had any problems making friends. I feel pretty isolated here, and sadly, we never get any invitations for weekend plans--I really miss that.
If you are being yourself, you are doing nothing wrong. Some friendships are just not meant to be. Find a friend you don't work with. That is just too small a box to fit into. You need someone you can discuss work with and not be afraid it will affect your job. Spread yourself around a little and don't smother your friendships by wanting to be with them too much. Remember, variety is the spice of life.

Join some organization, join a gym, take a college course, help with United Way, etc. Don't get mad at her and give her too much importance and power in your life. Every day is a new adventure. Go for it!

I answer threads without reading what others have written so as to not be influenced by the answers others give. I just noticed the post before mine where it stated that she was having problems in her marriage. Do not ever discuss another person's marriage in a negative way or listen to the problems they have in their marriage. When they reunite with the person they have told you about, they will not want you around because they will fear the things they have told you might get back to the spouse.

If someone starts telling you negative things about their mate, answer with possible reasons the other person would act this way and reassure them that the mate must love them dearly. That usually stops that kind of talk.

Work on your own relationship. The next time hubby is working late, take him dinner if that is allowed. Don't call first, just arrive. If it is a bad idea people will excuse a loving wife.

Last edited by NCN; 04-24-2009 at 06:21 PM..
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Old 04-24-2009, 06:15 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,104 posts, read 34,533,299 times
Reputation: 16148
Find a good cause to volunteer for. That's a good start to making a bunch of new friends. Especially if they plan a lot of fundraisers or do bake or rummage sales. And first make many casual friends, then slowly see who you really click with and become close friends with them. What helps with a new friendship is having several common favorite activities. But then you have to allow for personality fit too.

Anyway, don't put all your eggs in one friend basket, instead of finding one person to be a close friend with, make several casual friends at once and see where it goes. And like a romance, don't act too desperate, needy or available. Don't tell them your life's story all at once. Be the kind of interesting novel that one reads slowly while savouring every word.
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Old 04-24-2009, 06:26 PM
 
4,379 posts, read 4,453,805 times
Reputation: 1612
i think just move on with your life.

Only you lose if you get cut up over this. It's possible you could have done something to offend/hurt her, or she may not have taken the friendship as seriously as you did.

Either way, learn a lesson, like in everything in life. Perhaps take friendships slower next time, and let them develop naturally.
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Old 04-24-2009, 06:40 PM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,500 posts, read 20,017,811 times
Reputation: 4220
Quote:
Originally Posted by kibblesandbits View Post
I'm a 30-year-old, happily married gal. I've only lived in my city for a few years, and don't have many friends yet. I met this gal at my workplace--she was assigned to my team a few months ago. I hadn't known her before that. We hit it off, and started hanging out. We went out about 4 times for lunch, shopping, also went out for dinner, talked on the phone, emailed frequently. We had a lot in common, and we always had stuff to talk about. She mentioned not having many friends as she was transfered here for her husband's work.

Then, suddenly, she dropped me. Stopped returning my emails, no further contact. I have no idea what happened. We had such a nice friendship going, and I really liked her. Our team project is over soon, so I won't have to see her much after this, but I'm really confused.

I have no idea what I did to make her drop me. This happened once before, about two years ago, when I met a gal at a knitting club. We hit it off, started hanging out, then after about two months she dropped me, with no explanation.

I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I only have two other friends in this city, and unfortunately they're often busy so I only see them about once every 6 weeks. I am making more attempts to meet people but it's hard as an adult, especially being married.

I'm trying not to let this bother me, but the fact is that it is. I'm sure she hasn't given a second thought to it, but it's been on my mind a lot, though I'm trying to stop thinking about it. It's making me question myself and what I'm doing wrong. Before we moved here, I never had any problems making friends. I feel pretty isolated here, and sadly, we never get any invitations for weekend plans--I really miss that.
Stuff like this used to bother me, but not anymore.

I had two friendships in the last 6 months that came and went. I shared intense discussions, moments, emails with both people, but now *poof!* they are gone. Do I care? No, not really.

Why? Because I think there was little I could have done. One wanted an intimate relationship and the other wanted an enabling relationship. I couldn't offer either, so they both eventually moved on to find someone else who could. It had nothing to do with me!

Some relationships are meant to last a short while, some last for years, and others last a lifetime. The key is to have lots of friends and understand that no one person can meet all your needs. You have to spread it out a bit!

W.
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Old 04-24-2009, 06:41 PM
 
350 posts, read 3,581,107 times
Reputation: 528
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post

Anyway, don't put all your eggs in one friend basket, instead of finding one person to be a close friend with, make several casual friends at once and see where it goes. And like a romance, don't act too desperate, needy or available. Don't tell them your life's story all at once. Be the kind of interesting novel that one reads slowly while savouring every word.
You make excellent points. I know that I have a problem with acting too desperate/needy/available. I am always available--b/c hubby works such long hours, and have always been open about that, but maybe I need to pretend not to be so available! I am very honest and open with people, and I know I mention hubby's long hours and how I am always up for hanging out--any time. I guess I never thought about "playing games" and not acting too needy when it comes to female friends, even though I really am. I didn't really see the point in pretending to be something I wasn't with female friends, but maybe it is a big turn off.

However, she mentioned to me several times about not having many friends and how her hubby also works long hours--longer than mine! So I thought--great--someone else who is available to hang out frequently. Her husband traveled frequently on business so she was often also sitting home alone.

I have made two really good friends here--so I can hopefully conclude that I do have some redeeming qualities as a friend. It's just that they're so busy I don't get to see them as much as I'd like. But I'm still second-guessing myself, and wondering what exactly I did to turn her off--when things were going so well, as well as the other gal two years ago, who did the same thing in terms of dropping me after we had been hanging out so much and things were going really well.
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