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Old 05-23-2009, 07:14 AM
 
324 posts, read 784,827 times
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K so I grew up with both parents in what SEEMED to be an ideal home but there was a lot of VERBAL abuse going on as well as physical abuse in that I was beaten up as a child.

I have NEVER really loved my mom but I tolerated her. Then my 18yr old sister who has quite a foul mouth on her & I had a BIG argument. She lives at home with my parents.

During the argument, my mother took my sister's side. I now HATE my sister & I feel that I have to cut ties with my mom because

1) First of all she has been unpleasant to me all my life.

2) I consider my young sister an enemy & since my mother still loves my sister I feel I am justified to cut my mom off as well as I have no interest in being around my enemy's (aka sister) friends(aka mother).

So far I have been calling my mom all the way in Canada & she wants to come visit me after the baby is born.

I do NOT want her around my baby. I am thinking of TOTALLY NEVER talking to her after my child is born as I do not want my baby to be even aware of her and my sister's existence.

So, if you ALWAYS had a bad relationship with ur mom, and the final straw was her taking your sister's side in an argument & u decided to tell yourself your sister was dead in your heart, would you still talk to your mom?

Also, what would be a good way of hurting them seeing there is a big ocean separating us in terms of distance?
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Old 05-23-2009, 07:26 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 36,386,369 times
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If you want to cut off your mom, cut her off. If your mom beat you up or allowed your dad to do so, I can see why you'd be angry and not want to talk to her anymore. My husband's sister disowned their father and stepmother 9 or 10 years ago, over something that happened to my husband.

I don't think you should try to hurt your mother. If you want to let her go, then just let her go. The thing with really poisonous people is that you can't make them sorry. Some of them are incapable of even being sorry. They never think things are their fault, no matter how much evidence is shown to them. I don't know what went on between you, your mom and your sister, but it's never healthy to carry around feelings of rage and revenge. Don't do that to your unborn baby.
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Old 05-23-2009, 07:31 AM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,603 posts, read 17,207,551 times
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"I do NOT want her around my baby. I am thinking of TOTALLY NEVER talking to her after my child is born as I do not want my baby to be even aware of her and my sister's existence." that is not even possible, and if you try it, you will poison your relationship w/ your child as well. I'm not suggesting that any of this is your fault, b/c not enough info here, but maybe counseling would be in order--you will need help dealing w/ your feelings of rage and wanting to strike back and hurt your mother, or as I said, this will rub off in your dealings w/ your child, and I know you want what is best for the baby. I agree w/ Julia--it is never healthy to carry around feelings of rage and revenge.
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Old 05-23-2009, 07:33 AM
 
324 posts, read 784,827 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
If you want to cut off your mom, cut her off. If your mom beat you up or allowed your dad to do so, I can see why you'd be angry and not want to talk to her anymore. My husband's sister disowned their father and stepmother 9 or 10 years ago, over something that happened to my husband.

I don't think you should try to hurt your mother. If you want to let her go, then just let her go. The thing with really poisonous people is that you can't make them sorry. Some of them are incapable of even being sorry. They never think things are their fault, no matter how much evidence is shown to them. I don't know what went on between you, your mom and your sister, but it's never healthy to carry around feelings of rage and revenge. Don't do that to your unborn baby.
The problem with me as a person is that I'm VERY vengeful in real life. I LOVE my revenge, I find it difficult to turn the other way & let it go. How do I do that?

[mod cut]

Last edited by mrstewart; 05-25-2009 at 10:51 PM..
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Old 05-23-2009, 07:33 AM
 
943 posts, read 2,027,996 times
Reputation: 516
Quote:
Originally Posted by thebanker View Post
K so I grew up with both parents in what SEEMED to be an ideal home but there was a lot of VERBAL abuse going on as well as physical abuse in that I was beaten up as a child.

I have NEVER really loved my mom but I tolerated her. Then my 18yr old sister who has quite a foul mouth on her & I had a BIG argument. She lives at home with my parents.

During the argument, my mother took my sister's side. I now HATE my sister & I feel that I have to cut ties with my mom because

1) First of all she has been unpleasant to me all my life.

2) I consider my young sister an enemy & since my mother still loves my sister I feel I am justified to cut my mom off as well as I have no interest in being around my enemy's (aka sister) friends(aka mother).

So far I have been calling my mom all the way in Canada & she wants to come visit me after the baby is born.

I do NOT want her around my baby. I am thinking of TOTALLY NEVER talking to her after my child is born as I do not want my baby to be even aware of her and my sister's existence.

So, if you ALWAYS had a bad relationship with ur mom, and the final straw was her taking your sister's side in an argument & u decided to tell yourself your sister was dead in your heart, would you still talk to your mom?

Also, what would be a good way of hurting them seeing there is a big ocean separating us in terms of distance?
Google Mothers with Narcassistic personality disorder. {dont know if this will apply to you or not but it could be quite revealing.

Your sister could be the "golden child" while you serve the role as the "scapegoat."

If they are abusive, you do need to keep your child and you away from them. Imagine if your mother directed your child to disrespect you.
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Old 05-23-2009, 07:43 AM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 13,574,304 times
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I don't have a positive relationship with my mother. She's pretty disrespectful to me and I think she's pretty toxic. I don't want her around my children until they are old enough to understand they can't do what adults do, at the very least I will minimize the contact she has with them. But they will never she me doing anything other than being a good daughter to her. Why? Because as an adult, I can look at her past, our past put things into perspective. There are reason for my mother's behavior and I forgive her for her behavior. But just because I forgive, understand and tolerate her doesn't mean I want that example for my children.

The biggest difference in our situations is that in spite of my mother's craziness, she did her best to take care of us, and she set the most positive example by taking care of a father who basically disowned her. Her rare moment of maturity, in that situation showed me that in spite of the past, family still takes care of family.

I can understand that you don't want a relationship with your mother or sister, if they are that toxic, don't. Especially now you have more important things to focus on. But be open to sometime in the future of having a relationship (if it can be positive) with them. No matter how old they are, children still look at their parents for examples of how to live.
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Old 05-23-2009, 07:45 AM
 
324 posts, read 784,827 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
"I do NOT want her around my baby. I am thinking of TOTALLY NEVER talking to her after my child is born as I do not want my baby to be even aware of her and my sister's existence." that is not even possible, and if you try it, you will poison your relationship w/ your child as well. I'm not suggesting that any of this is your fault, b/c not enough info here, but maybe counseling would be in order--you will need help dealing w/ your feelings of rage and wanting to strike back and hurt your mother, or as I said, this will rub off in your dealings w/ your child, and I know you want what is best for the baby. I agree w/ Julia--it is never healthy to carry around feelings of rage and revenge.

They live in Canada, I'm in Europe so if I change my phone # they wont know where I am. So yeah my baby doesnt have to know.

My mom is so controlling. Just the other day, she was telling me how to serve my own visitors in my own house.

How are yu gonna sit in Canada & demand to know why I don't have milk in my fridge? That is MY business. We were arging about this & then to top it off she says " Just always have milk in your fridge. You never know who will drop by. What if you have the queen of England coming"?

WTF would an ordinary mortal have the 'Queen of England' coming to have milk at my house. Do y'll see what I'm dealing with here?

I dont care what she has in her fridge so why is she bothering me/
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Old 05-23-2009, 08:00 AM
 
943 posts, read 2,027,996 times
Reputation: 516
Quote:
Originally Posted by thebanker View Post
They live in Canada, I'm in Europe so if I change my phone # they wont know where I am. So yeah my baby doesnt have to know.

My mom is so controlling. Just the other day, she was telling me how to serve my own visitors in my own house.

How are yu gonna sit in Canada & demand to know why I don't have milk in my fridge? That is MY business. We were arging about this & then to top it off she says " Just always have milk in your fridge. You never know who will drop by. What if you have the queen of England coming"?

WTF would an ordinary mortal have the 'Queen of England' coming to have milk at my house. Do y'll see what I'm dealing with here?

I dont care what she has in her fridge so why is she bothering me/
I am allergic to milk, so tough if someone comes by and wants it.

If you are OCEANS away from your mother, I think no contact or limited contact will be pretty easy to instill.

Are you self supporting or have husband? ABLE TO STAY AWAY? I hope so for your sake.
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Old 05-23-2009, 08:09 AM
 
Location: under Grace
142 posts, read 250,928 times
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If you really want to freak out your sister, be nice to her. It will drive hers nuts trying to figure out what you are up to. Instead of giving my sister the silent treatment as usual, I've pretended she's a stranger and I act pleasant. The frown on her face makes me smile for real and she just gets madder.
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Old 05-23-2009, 09:16 AM
 
324 posts, read 784,827 times
Reputation: 201
Quote:
Originally Posted by gamarybeth View Post
If you really want to freak out your sister, be nice to her. It will drive hers nuts trying to figure out what you are up to. Instead of giving my sister the silent treatment as usual, I've pretended she's a stranger and I act pleasant. The frown on her face makes me smile for real and she just gets madder.



Thanks for your input. Now it seems you dont get along with your sister BUT how has that affected your relationship with your mother? Can you love your mother if she loves your "enemies'? Thats basically my top que here?
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