Over concerned parent. Advice please. (grandma, conversation, mother, feel)

[Mlove87]

More drama from my mother... I have said everything that can be said to her...
she told me she is going off her meds (nothing I can do about that)
and she keeps saying she hopes she dies soon
I talked to my grandma..I am hoping she will keep a watch on things while I can't

and my mother said that even if she was put in the hospital she knows the things the doctors want to hear so that they would relase her...
:/
*sigh*

[WheredoIlive?]

Your mother sounds like an engulfing narcassists.

Seriously google narcissitic personality disorder, the MANIPUlATION stands out.

Please get therapy too because with an upbringing like that it is easy to make poor choices in mates, Maybe E is ok, I hope he is not drinking and is stable and sober.

[Tia 914]

Originally Posted by Mlove87

I will start from the begining to make this easier to under stand.
Last October I was in horrible relationship, working at Wal-mart, living with my mother..stuck in the same state I was born in with no hope of ever leaving or ever doing anything of importance. I was also severly unhappy and depressed.
Well at the end of October I was online, livejournal (journaling site for those not in the know)
and I stumbled across this page where you can text people who are looking for people to talk to. This guys listing struck my eye. He was intelligent, funny, and just all around amazing. We will call him E.
well we hit it off so much so that I dumped the guy I had been with. we well call him R . R was still living in Mexcio, smoking pot and skateboarding..no job and E had just gotten out of a relationship months before..he was trying to turn his life around...stop drinking. etc.
well anyways we started dating long distance. we would talk on the phone for hours. than by November we made plans for him to fly from Oregon to Minnesota for christmas..
when I first met him in person it was like the hole that was inside of me had been filled..
well he stayed at my moms house for about a week.. I will admit I didn't share him with my family too much.
well for a month or so before that we had discussed me moving out there in the spring..(to Oregon) how much i wanted to..I didn't discuss it with my mom..until December..probably a big mistake..It was E's last night there..and my mom was in hysterics with my grandma..
My grandma was onmy side. I am 21 I should bee able to choose where I go.
Well christmas eve when we dropped him off at the Airport.
we were supposed to go with the family to celebrate..but she didn't tell me they canceled till we got home.
I am sitting in my room and I hear the front door slam..
she texts me five minuets later saying
"she doesn't want to live anymore and she is going to walk until she passes out."
So i called the police on her..and an hour or so later she comes home. the police come soon after I called them back and haul her off to the hospital.
she said if I move she would not live through it.
that i should be thnking of her happiness and her feelings and everyone elses feelings.
well I moved to Oregon...but
My mom is still taking it pretty hard even though I text pretty much every day and call when I can. I am 21..I have been looking for a new job, and trying to start a new life with my boyfriend. I get along well with his family and everything. My mother had been emailing my boyfriend trying to get invloved more and to know him better. He works a full time job. We are both usually busy in the day. well it's come to a point where she had been sending several long emails, harassing me to talk to him to get him to answer her emails. She thinks its wrong, rude and just giving her red flags about why he won't answer...to be honset..if someone was harassing me like that I would not answer. I told her to wait.
I have talked to him..he doesn't respond to someone who is hysterical.

I have tried telling her everything. "it's my life, I am an adult. it's my relationship not yours."
She thinks it's wrong he doesn't want a relationship with my family. Being from my family, I don't want a relationship with them..so I don't blame anyone. she is now threatening to come with some of my family and see what's going on...not to drag me back (but I know that's what they will try to do...) She has already bribed me with money. I know she is my mother...and I would probably understand if I had kids..but how am I suppose to start my own life if she is trying to ruin my relationship.

she took it to another level
One night a month or more ago..me and E were eating dinner I told my mom I couldn't talk..
well she freaked out I wasn't replying....she thought the worse like he might of killed me..
she was of course being irrational..
so she called the cops..they came over to check on me..
well than I called her after I told the cops everything is fine...I was okay...I was just lying down watching a movie.
but when I called her I snapped and started yelling at her.
she was saying how this isn't the man I should be with because he doesn't want to deal with my crazy family..
well i don't want to deal with them either especially when one of them calls the cops!!
I mean hey were threatening to fly out here to ask him "what the hell his problem is?"
they think he will just start beating me and trying to kill me all because they don't really know him...
well I do know him...I have tried to explain..
II am no longer a child..
I mean sure I can let them fly out here..there is nothing they can do. They can't drag me back
they have also threatened to have me institutionalized...just because I am staying with someone who doesn't have an intrest in my family..
but he has already told me..he would get to know them..when we fly out there for holidays..

well its june now..I have been here since March..
she was fine for alittle while
but now last night she started it up again
saying how everyone wants me to come back..
how I don't love her..how I only care about my self..how she wishes she would just die..
and how she won't be careful anymore so she will die quicker..
well I contact my grandma..and told her to talk to and pray for her..because I am at a loss of what to do..
I moved out of that house and that state for a reason..
she was too negative all the time..if a little thing went wrong she complained how much she hated her life..
I like being a positive person but growing up in a family of negative and people who worry too much..starts to wear a person thin.

I really don't know what to do..I feel helpless
I have had bad nightmares about being back there and just feeling trapped..
and just wanting to come back here to Oregon.

just a little back ground info on me..
I am 21(if I didn't say that more than once)
I have been dating E 8 months today..we have talked about Marriage several times already.
I went to college for two years..dropped out because I couldn't afford anymore.
I was almost done with all my generals.
I don't have a permit or a liscence ( I get bad text anxiety..I have been studying OR manual though)
I grew up in a fairly christian home (my mother was more of a hypocrite though..)
since moving to oregon..I have been job hunting..Gardening..just doing things I have always wanted to do..
and I am still looking for medical so I can get a dang root canal.. so much pain..*ouch*
My boyfriend just turned 24, He works full time front desk at a hotel.
He used to be in a lot of trouble 3 years ago..but now he has managed to turn things around.
He treats me with respect..we don't really fight and if we do..we calmy talk things out..he gets along with his family..and we live in a house with three of his close friends(our part of the house isn't directly connected to theirs)
he takes good care of me..makes sure I am always happy..he tries and supports the both of us while I look for work also.

-M

there's much of your post that I can personally relate to... please feel free to send me a message if you want me to explain details...

otherwise, please listen to this advice:
do not fall for any of it...
be where you want to be, with whom you want to be, and doing what you want to do...

keep your contacts with her at the bare-minimum, and if her pressure and intruding keeps up, take legal action. this may sound severe-- but I guarantee that if you were in the position I'm in now, you'd agree that making the next years of your life your own is worth it.

[Rhaven]

Originally Posted by WheredoIlive?

Your mother sounds like an engulfing narcassists.

Seriously google narcissitic personality disorder, the MANIPUlATION stands out.

Please get therapy too because with an upbringing like that it is easy to make poor choices in mates, Maybe E is ok, I hope he is not drinking and is stable and sober.

I was thinking the same thing as I read all the symptoms in the relationship. It does sound like your mom has a Narcissistic personality disorder. Whether or not that is the case, I dont think there is much you can do to make her happy, nor should you if you are happy with your man. At some point in time you need to take a stand and live your life for you, not others. Your mom is playing mind games with you and you need to straighten that spine out, realize that you can not win with her in this, and let it go in one ear and out the other. I also advise therapy for you to help give you the tools to deal with a sucky familial situation you have no control over.

GL and keep your chin up!

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Mlove87

More drama from my mother... I have said everything that can be said to her...
she told me she is going off her meds (nothing I can do about that)
and she keeps saying she hopes she dies soon
I talked to my grandma..I am hoping she will keep a watch on things while I can't

and my mother said that even if she was put in the hospital she knows the things the doctors want to hear so that they would relase her...
:/
*sigh*

One word - BOUNDARIES

You can't help her, she can only hurt you - so protect yourself by stating clear boundaries in the relationship.


http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

[CESpeed]

I have an overprotective mother and she would have already been there if I was being such an inconsiderate brat. You should consider yourself fortunate that someone cares enough to see if you are dead or alive and that you are safe. There are a lot of people stuck in abusive situations who can't get out because there's no to help them. And your mother's concerns are valid: a lot of abusive relationships start off by isolating the person from their friends and family.

Your mother would be completely irresponsible to not want to get to know the young man you moved halfway across the country to live with. You know nothing about him. You are learning, but you really don't know yet.

Instead of treating your mother like she's crazy, why don't you start behaving like the adult you say you are and treat your mother with more respect? If you let her and the family get to know this man, they will calm down.

How will you feel if your mother stopped calling and he started beating you and your family wouldn't respond? Or if your mother does die because you are behaving as though she doesn't matter?

[Mlove87]

Originally Posted by CESpeed

I have an overprotective mother and she would have already been there if I was being such an inconsiderate brat. You should consider yourself fortunate that someone cares enough to see if you are dead or alive and that you are safe. There are a lot of people stuck in abusive situations who can't get out because there's no to help them. And your mother's concerns are valid: a lot of abusive relationships start off by isolating the person from their friends and family.

Your mother would be completely irresponsible to not want to get to know the young man you moved halfway across the country to live with. You know nothing about him. You are learning, but you really don't know yet.

Instead of treating your mother like she's crazy, why don't you start behaving like the adult you say you are and treat your mother with more respect? If you let her and the family get to know this man, they will calm down.

How will you feel if your mother stopped calling and he started beating you and your family wouldn't respond? Or if your mother does die because you are behaving as though she doesn't matter?

You do not know my family. Thank you for your concern. I moved out here on my own accord. Not because he wanted me to..but because I wanted to.
He doesn't control or abuse me in any way. If I wanted to leave I know he would let me.
I love my mother but why should I have to sacrifice my own life for hers..
my own happiness in order to make her happy. It is my life to make my own decisions.
so far my aunt and my grandma agree with my choices and that my mom is being over dramatic and needs to get help.

I get along with my boyfriends mother and she knows her son very well..he has a decent family and he is a decent person.
I don't see why everyone likes to look for negative qauilities in people..that's no way to live at all...always waiting for something bad to go wrong. Always waiting for someone to turn bad all of the sudden.

If something was wrong or if I felt for one second that this wasn't the right choice for me...I would have left..
I prayed about this before I moved...I have been praying that my mom will get better and so has my whole family.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by CESpeed

I have an overprotective mother and she would have already been there if I was being such an inconsiderate brat. You should consider yourself fortunate that someone cares enough to see if you are dead or alive and that you are safe. There are a lot of people stuck in abusive situations who can't get out because there's no to help them. And your mother's concerns are valid: a lot of abusive relationships start off by isolating the person from their friends and family.

Your mother would be completely irresponsible to not want to get to know the young man you moved halfway across the country to live with. You know nothing about him. You are learning, but you really don't know yet.

Instead of treating your mother like she's crazy, why don't you start behaving like the adult you say you are and treat your mother with more respect? If you let her and the family get to know this man, they will calm down.

How will you feel if your mother stopped calling and he started beating you and your family wouldn't respond? Or if your mother does die because you are behaving as though she doesn't matter?

While it is wonderful to have caring concerned family look out for your best interests - this mother seem to go well above the norm. The OP doesn't seem to me to be treating her mother like she's crazy - the woman just sounds like she really is!

How many times did your "overprotective" mother call the cops on you, or tell you she wished she could die, or that she's going off her meds????? This mother is doing all this and more - you think this is normal???

This mother sounds mentally unstable, and only interested in controlling her daughter - the fact that she can't is causing her great anxiety. Her desparate behavior is unhealthy and a further indication of her need for medication she now claims she won't take

[CESpeed]

My mother never did those things because I never gave her reason to fear for my safety. But she's the one who will have to live with the guilt if she continues on this course.

I did everything I could for my sister and I was there for her and I feel guilty because I don't think I did enough. I would not want to live with the guilt of my mother killing herself because I wouldn't do something as simple as let her get to know my boyfriend.

To the OP, you don't have to sacrifice your happiness for hers but shutting her out isn't helping your situation, it's making it worse. If you were more sensitive to your mother and try to understand why she's concerned and try to satisfy her concerns she wouldn't be flipping out.

[Mlove87]

Originally Posted by CESpeed

My mother never did those things because I never gave her reason to fear for my safety. But she's the one who will have to live with the guilt if she continues on this course.

I did everything I could for my sister and I was there for her and I feel guilty because I don't think I did enough. I would not want to live with the guilt of my mother killing herself because I wouldn't do something as simple as let her get to know my boyfriend.

To the OP, you don't have to sacrifice your happiness for hers but shutting her out isn't helping your situation, it's making it worse. If you were more sensitive to your mother and try to understand why she's concerned and try to satisfy her concerns she wouldn't be flipping out.

I have been sensitive to her..but the only thing she says is that she will only be happy again..ever is if I move back. shes not just concerned..all she wants is me to move back. So it's either..move back giving her happiness back..and sacraficing what I want.
or me staying here and her staying the way she is.
I would be fine if she could move here..but she can't because she can't get her dibabetes stuff free like she can in MN.