Over concerned parent. Advice please.

[Darrow]

Originally Posted by CESpeed

At 21 she may be an adult but that's hardly grown. The problem is this girl jumped up and moved halfway across the country to live with a complete stranger. If her mother got to know the bf then it wouldn't be a problem. My sister just died from diabetes related symptoms. She lived with the fear everytime she went into the hospital that she wouldn't come out. The stress of wondering if she's going to get a phone call saying her daughter is dead is what's causing her problems.

To the OP, you are not sensitive to your mother's feelings you are only thinking of yourself. You think that you have found a magical solution to your problems, you are wrong. Running away NEVER solved anything. And that's what you are doing.

An adult faces their problems and deals with it no matter how unpleasant it is. As you can see, your way isn't working. Have you asked your mother if there is a compromise between your moving back and staying there? Of course, if you were as mature as you claim you are, you would be talking to your mother instead of her having send texts.

I'm so glad you have so little respect and concern for your mother that you have reduced her to texts because she can't get her daughter to pick up the phone. I feel so badly for your mother. She has a very ungrateful daughter.

At 21 she is fully grown - not hardly grown. She's in control of her destiny - not her mother...pullease!

[Mlove87]

Originally Posted by mollyblythe

Mlove 87-

If I were you I think I would write my mom a letter (a real letter) saying the following: (Say it in your own words.)

• "Mom, I love you very much, but I just can't deal with your behavior as it is."
• "I'm trying to make a good life for myself but your behavior keeps me so off kilter, I can't truly enjoy myself."
• "Because of this, I need to limit my contacts with you for now until you're calmer."
• "You can call me Tuesday between 4pm and 8pm each week. If for any reason that time doesn't work, we can let each other know with a brief message."
• "I hope we can have good conversations about what went on in our week. If you beg me to come back, are too overly-emotional or try to guilt me when we talk, I will say good-bye and hang up until the next week."
• "I will text you a couple of times during the week. AOK means everything is fine."
• "Until we can have normal phone calls, I will take calls from you only at our designated time."
• "Please be clear that I'm not doing this because I don't love you. I do love you. I'm doing this to create some peace and sanity in my life."
• "When I can trust that things have been better for awhile, I hope to see you again for a good visit"
• "In the meantime, please know that I'm doing well and happy to be starting my life as an adult. I hope you wish me well as I do you."
• "Talk to you Tuesday."

Answer your mom's calls only at the designated time and do hang up if it feels she's pressuring or guilting you. Simply say calmly but firmly, " I've gotta go now, Mom. Talk to you Tuesday". Don't argue with her or try to reason with her. Just sign-off.

Make sure your grandma and aunt have a current address and phone number for you all the time.

If you've only lived with your BF since March, you can't really know him yet.
You're young and still in the "honeymoon period". You're still seeing in him what you want to see. He may be the good guy you think he is but many relationships that are great early on change over time. Make friends where you're at, not just your BF, his friends and his family, but your own friends. Get a job as soon as you're able and always keep enough money set aside in a separate account in case you ever do need to leave or to go home.

You've shown courage and compassion for your mom. Now's the time to set those boundaries other posters have referred to. Tough love often hurts both parties at the beginning but makes things more clear for everybody in the long haul. Best of luck to you!

thank you, I thought about acutally writing a letter before I saw you posted this. So I may just do that or even call her and let her know that I am going to set times to call..I am hoping it will help

[CESpeed]

It's interesting that people confuse being a legal adult with being grown.

To the OP, while other people may think your motehr is being manipulative, I see her differently because my mother is very protective. SHe has a hard time letting go but I have found that if she is given time and information, things are a LOT smoother.

There is no excuse for your mother being physically abusive. She sounds a lot like my mom minus the hitting. It sounds like your mother stayed in denial about your leaving. Considering she knows very little about your bf or his family, her reactions are understandable. If you would tell your bf that he needs to let your mom get to know him, things would be better. Let her talk to his mom. A mother to mother conversation will work wonders.

[Mlove87]

Originally Posted by CESpeed

It's interesting that people confuse being a legal adult with being grown.

To the OP, while other people may think your motehr is being manipulative, I see her differently because my mother is very protective. SHe has a hard time letting go but I have found that if she is given time and information, things are a LOT smoother.

There is no excuse for your mother being physically abusive. She sounds a lot like my mom minus the hitting. It sounds like your mother stayed in denial about your leaving. Considering she knows very little about your bf or his family, her reactions are understandable. If you would tell your bf that he needs to let your mom get to know him, things would be better. Let her talk to his mom. A mother to mother conversation will work wonders.

my mother has talked to his mother it was no help.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Mlove87

my mother has talked to his mother it was no help.

That's because you can't reason with mentally ill people.

You've done as much as you can, please just set some boundries with her and go forward with making your life, YOUR life

[Mearth]

Originally Posted by mollyblythe

Mlove 87-

If I were you I think I would write my mom a letter (a real letter) saying the following: (Say it in your own words.)

• "Mom, I love you very much, but I just can't deal with your behavior as it is."
• "I'm trying to make a good life for myself but your behavior keeps me so off kilter, I can't truly enjoy myself."
• "Because of this, I need to limit my contacts with you for now until you're calmer."
• "You can call me Tuesday between 4pm and 8pm each week. If for any reason that time doesn't work, we can let each other know with a brief message."
• "I hope we can have good conversations about what went on in our week. If you beg me to come back, are too overly-emotional or try to guilt me when we talk, I will say good-bye and hang up until the next week."
• "I will text you a couple of times during the week. AOK means everything is fine."
• "Until we can have normal phone calls, I will take calls from you only at our designated time."
• "Please be clear that I'm not doing this because I don't love you. I do love you. I'm doing this to create some peace and sanity in my life."
• "When I can trust that things have been better for awhile, I hope to see you again for a good visit"
• "In the meantime, please know that I'm doing well and happy to be starting my life as an adult. I hope you wish me well as I do you."
• "Talk to you Tuesday."

Answer your mom's calls only at the designated time and do hang up if it feels she's pressuring or guilting you. Simply say calmly but firmly, " I've gotta go now, Mom. Talk to you Tuesday". Don't argue with her or try to reason with her. Just sign-off.

Make sure your grandma and aunt have a current address and phone number for you all the time.

If you've only lived with your BF since March, you can't really know him yet.
You're young and still in the "honeymoon period". You're still seeing in him what you want to see. He may be the good guy you think he is but many relationships that are great early on change over time. Make friends where you're at, not just your BF, his friends and his family, but your own friends. Get a job as soon as you're able and always keep enough money set aside in a separate account in case you ever do need to leave or to go home.

You've shown courage and compassion for your mom. Now's the time to set those boundaries other posters have referred to. Tough love often hurts both parties at the beginning but makes things more clear for everybody in the long haul. Best of luck to you!

WOW. YES.

Both insight and concrete advice, as well as compassion for both sides.

5 STARS

[Rance]

Originally Posted by CESpeed

It's interesting that people confuse being a legal adult with being grown.

The OP might be 21...but she's one heck of a lot more mature than her mother.

[Mearth]

[quote=Rance;9690591][quote=CESpeed;9688893]It's interesting that people confuse being a legal adult with being grown.

The OP might be 21...but she's one heck of a lot more mature than her mother.

!!!!!

[Twinkle Toes]

I agree - she is a very mature 21.