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Is your aunt your mother's sister? Does she have any thoughts about your aunt's coldness? Surely your aunt can't be jealous of you. Could your mom ask your aunt what's wrong and why she won't talk to you anymore?
Otherwise, I'm a woman that hates going on double dates. Always have, always will. My life is fairly busy and by dragging along my s/o, it dilutes the quality of time I spend with my friends. And there's no reason to assume that our s/o's will hit it off, just because they are men.
Is your aunt your mother's sister? Could she ask your aunt what's wrong and why she won't talk to you anymore?
No, this aunt is on the other side, and there is no way my father would ever discuss it/bring it up. He never sees her, except at family reunions, which are once in awhile.
I agree--why would my aunt be jealous of me? I find it hard to believe.
But, she did make a few comments during the dinner that perhaps would lead me to believe that maybe she is. One comment was about how I ate everything on my plate and dessert and how was it possible that I can stay so slim eating like that. There were some other comments in the same vein that she made as well.
And as for the quoted post above, my husband did bring up that point. He said, "maybe the problem is that you're too normal. That everyone else has drama in their lives, and you don't have any."
I am a pretty normal person. I have no drama in my life. Maybe that turns people off. Hubby and I had a conversation about this the other day. He said, "maybe if we go to another social event and start complaining to people that we drive a crappy car and how we have trouble paying the rent that people will like us more." It's an intriguing idea.
Well, your response to my question stands out. I asked if you were weird, and I asked if you were funny - you responded that you didn't have a life full of drama.
That's confusing, almost a non-sequitur. Are you saying that "funny or weird" creates problems, leading to drama?
Realistically, I'm probably not going to be friends with someone who lacks a sense of humor. From a friendship perspective, I believe the value of humor is right up there with personal morals and virtues. Not to say that this describes you, just following up on my question.
If the people that go m.i.a. on won't even tell you what you did...is it really a loss?
Maybe you are just one of those "happy people" that p. people off. I know its insane...But people like other people more miserable and self hating than themselves. Or maybe you are just overbearing for what they like?
I know myself when someone new is always up in my face about stuff I really start to get turned off by them even when they are doing nothing wrong. It was fun in highschool but in the adult world it feels like a burden with all the other crap you have to do.
I know myself when someone new is always up in my face about stuff I really start to get turned off by them even when they are doing nothing wrong. It was fun in highschool but in the adult world it feels like a burden with all the other crap you have to do.
What do you mean by this--I'm a bit confused.
I am definitely a low-key type of person. I keep the focus on the other person. I am sensitive to what is going on with other people, and say, if someone is single I do not discuss all the fun things I am doing with my husband, etc.
I am definitely a low-key type of person. I keep the focus on the other person. I am sensitive to what is going on with other people, and say, if someone is single I do not discuss all the fun things I am doing with my husband, etc.
Well there was this person I knew that would call me more than 1x a day, everyday...(4 times a day sometimes)
And it was not a cell phone...Plus this person would talk for hours about nothing but themselves and never listen..It was very annoying.
Do you think the friend's husbands say something about how you are hot and then well..we all know where that goes...lol
Maybe you are trying to hard,maybe your husband should not be with you when you meet your friends,are they guys included? You have to know after a certain age,it's harder to keep friends,everyone has different ideas and have families,the best friends and easy ones to keep are the childhood friends. I have a few friends that are trying to make friends too. So don't try too hard. Just one friend is enough. Don't try too hard. Go to a meetup.com and find likemind groups,but to get everyone to like you is time consuming and it doesn't work.
I think I need some help to figure out why I seem to lose friends/can't make many friends. I was thinking about the concept of a friend coach--maybe where a therapist helps you figure out why you're not succeeding in relationships and coaches you on how to change things in order to make friends. I think I need one to help me figure out my problem. But I've never heard of a friend coach, and do't know if a therapist could even help me with this.
Here's a little background on this problem. I think I am a nice, normal person. I'm a woman in my early 30's, happily married for five years, no kids, have a good career, a great hubby, well-educated (graduate level), and am drama-free. I have a nice personality, and don't have any weirdness to my personality. I am a non-smoker, non-drinker, and am clean-cut. Height/weight proportional. I have a great, small group of friends from college who are scattered throughout the country, so I rarely see them, but I am in touch with them freqeuntly. So I can make friends and have successfully done so in the past. Before college I had lots of friends, from school, camp, activities, etc.
However, with the exception of one gal, who is really more of an acquaintance, I have not made a new friend in over six years despite trying really hard. My husband and I moved to our current city three years ago. To meet people, I have joined multiple community social groups, regularly ask people out for lunch, etc., am friendly with my work colleagues, etc. I take adult ed classes as well in my areas of interest. We do not feel any sense of social connection here after three years. We are both really active in terms of trying to make social connections.
Recently, there have been three incidents that have really bothered me regarding losing friends. All three are completely inexplicable. One involves a gal who I met and we really hit it off, we started hanging out, emailing, talking on the phone, for a couple months. I was thinking the relationship was going well and that she was turning into a real friend. Then we went out on a double date with our husbands, and after that she refused to speak to me anymore. Wouldn't return my calls, emails, never spoke to me again. This was 5 months ago. I was really upset about it, because I have no idea what I did wrong. She refused to speak to me after a double date with our husbands. Nothing controversial or offensive was discussed at this dinner. I have no idea why she ended our friendship. My hubby says that either she didn't like him, or her husband told her not to associate with me anymore. But why? I don't get it.
Fast forward to two months ago. My husband and I went on vacation and had a layover in the city of my aunt. So as a nice gesture, I made special arrangements to have dinner with this aunt who I had only met twice previously because she lives very far away, but started having a nice email relationship with over the past year--emailing every week, sharing photos, etc. My husband and I went out with my aunt and uncle and their child. My aunt is about 15 years older than me, but we have a lot in common. The dinner went really well. I sent her a thank you email and sent her all the photos I took of her and her family that night. However, after that, she no longer speaks to me. This is my own family member--I am so upset. I don't know what I did wrong. She refuses to return any of my emails, calls, etc. My husband has no idea either. I mean, it was only a 3-hour dinner, consisting mainly of small talk. We've gone from her emailing me once a week to her not returning any of my emails/messages. She clearly wants nothing more to do with me. My parents are also confused as to what could be going on here. Again, hubby says that maybe she didn't like him. But she's my aunt--again, I don't get it.
Then, three weeks ago, I Facebook friended a new cousin who just got on Facebook. I was excited by the idea of staying in touch with her. She denied my friend request. My own cousin refused my friend request. I'm upset about this. I haven't had that much interaction except at family reunions with this cousin, and I was excited by the prospect of keeping in touch more often with Facebook. But for her to blatantly refuse her own cousin's friend request? I have never refused family friend requests--how can you? It's a slap in the face, and when you see those people next, it would be awkward.
There have been other similar incidents too where I lose friends or am completely unable to make friends. I am normally an outgoing person who loves to be around people, but each of these incidents are chipping away at my desire to reach out to others, because of all this rejection.
I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what the problem could be. I am not the kind of person who has an extreme personality. I also feel that I have really high emotional intelligence so I don't say offensive things to people and am really sensitive to social cues. I don't think I'm doing anything overt to turn people off. I've asked my husband, who has been there with me at these things, and he says there is nothing I'm doing that could be construed as offensive.
But clearly the problem is me. I am turning people off with something I am doing. How can I figure out what this is? My husband has no idea. I have no idea. It is very distressing and I think about this all the time.
Any thoughts on this?
It sounds to me like you may be making this far too subjective. Most likely, the scenarios that you describe have nothing to do with YOU or the circumstances surrounding the sudden coldness/lack of interest that is demonstrated.
Unfortunately, because of your desire for friendship you are hyper-sensitive to every little thing that happens. You take everything personally (are you a Capricorn by any chance?). When things like this happen, even though it is very, very difficult, you have to shrug your shoulders and say..."oh they're loss!), and realize that it's probably NOT about YOU at all.
Because you are so normal (and most people are not), they tend to feed off one another's misery and drama. There is a chance that they see that you will not "give them" this, but instead look for a normal, healthy relationship that they are incapable of. So, they simply move on, continuing to look for some-one as messed up as they are.
Your being childfree (as I am), I know for certain that most adult women have a lot of trouble carrying on conversations that does not center around their children or their grandchildren (depending on how old they are). In fact, I too find that it is very difficult to strike up casual conversations with them because they really cannot talk about much else. Perhaps the women you are attempting to connect with have nothing much to talk about with you.
Do you have any particular interests such as hobbies, politics, etc., that you can join a group? I find that often if there is just *one* thing in common that really helps make a connection.
Finally, most people are not that smart (sorry), and I am sure some might feel intimidated by your intellect. Again, you need to seek out people who are more your intellectual equal and are not put off by the fact that you are considerably smarter than they are. Let's face it, you are a unique individual in the grand scheme of things and it is going to be tough to find people to connect with.
Too bad you don't live near me, I'd love to have someone like you as a friend! (By the way, being childfree and in the upper percentile, intelligence-wise myself, I have a very difficult time making friends as well. My dh is my best friend, and the only person I can really call FRIEND. You might think about that also. )
From what you've written here, I can only suggest that you sound as if you are trying too hard. Even if you have the best intentions, people can often sense neediness and are usually frightened by it. I think you are on the right track, recognizing that you have a problem and that you might need to seek out help. To the best of my knowledge there is no such thing as a friend coach, but there are plenty of therapists who specialize in relationship and interpersonal communication skills across the board. Not to say that there is something wrong with you, which you seem to assume, but that it is just time to learn some new people skills. Please seek counseling. With the right therapist or counselor you can do some real sleuthing and analysis to get to the bottom and the origins of the problem. Hope this helps.
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