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Kibblesandbits - your writing is NOT pedantic. (Notice how that poster couldn't even spell the word.) You write well and concisely. Be proud of it.
If you were in my neck of the woods (Portland, Oregon), I would offer to meet you and see if we couldn't figure this out for you. I'm a pretty observant and have no trouble making friends. I sense from all you've written here that you are a decent, normal woman. Maybe if you let folks know where you are located, there might be someone here on the forum that would be willing to do this for you. Just a thought.
Ah, writing with one eye open, the other one is bandaged after a surgery... may miss or confuse letters...
As I said, it may be just me, if the writing is OK with other people, fine.
As far as the double date either your friends husband thinks you're hot and told your friend , or
your husband said something you missed , like another poster mentioned.
Is it possible the conversations revolve around you and your interests and not other people and their interests ?
Some people are just envious and might feel intimidated by your educational level. I know it kind of sounds "stuck-up" but some people are intimidiated by the well educated, and may feel they are being judged but in reality they're not. No one likes to be judged. (Not saying that they were by you, but that might be their perception.) A flaw on their part, not yours. Move on and your friendship will be well deserved by others.
I use to think the same thing about myself, but the reality is... people grow older and friendships grow apart. I have my close college friends scattered about in Texas and other states, but no one really close here. Keep your family members close, with the exception of the aunt, and you'll be fine. Don't try so hard. Family is all you need in reality.
To answer someone else who posted first, yes, I am an only child. Does this change my viewpoint on this stuff? I never really thought about it from that perspective. My husband has a brother and a sister but is not close with his sibs at all. His parents are not close to their sibs. I think a lot of people are not close to their sibs, especially as they get older.
I do have one really close friend (besides my hubby). This is my college roommate--we have stayed in touch after all those years and talk all the time. I have a few other good friends from college, I wouldn't say they are super close, but we still keep in touch. And I made one friend (not super good friend) here from work--we go out from time to time (she also is married with no kids). We have not double-dated yet.
I have spent soooo much time analyzing these situations. I know I am doing something wrong but still can't figure out what. I think I am a great conversationalist and am able to talk about anything with anyone. I will say that sometimes I have a bit of social anxiety, this is something new over the past few years. I believe it's because of all the rejection I've experienced with trying to make friends. Sometimes I get nervous in social situations, anticipating the rejection. But I don't avoid social situations or anything like that. Just a bit of social anxiety. Overall, though, I left the double date dinner and the dinner with my aunt thinking that it was a great time. Then, to my surprise, both people never spoke to me again.
I think maybe a therapist might help but how will they see me interact in social situations? I would think because of this their help for my problem might be limited.
Have you also thought that finding friends is a major problem for most adults, as their age progresses, and with relocations? I think most people would say that in their 30s, it was harder to make friends comparing to their college years, in their 40s harder still, etc. Making real friends, not acquaintances, and new ones, not someone back from high school/college.
Have you also thought that finding friends is a major problem for most adults, as their age progresses, and with relocations? I think most people would say that in their 30s, it was harder to make friends comparing to their college years, in their 40s harder still, etc. Making real friends, not acquaintances, and new ones, not someone back from high school/college.
I totally agree with this. But, it seems to me that everyone I meet (who are mainly in their 30's) already has lots of friends. I'm thinking about my co-workers who are always talking about their weekend plans with friends, the other gals at the social events I go to whose cell phone are ringing off the hook, etc. It makes me think it is me that's the problem b/c most people I meet seem to have friends.
As another example, a new person started, who is also in his early 30's, at hubby's workplace about a month ago. I urged hubby to invite this new guy and his wife out for dinner with us as a nice gesture, and hopefully so that hubby will make a new friend, since hubby doesn't have any friends at work. The guy came up with a lame excuse and there was no double date. Both hubby and I were both pretty bummed about that.
Hey kibbles... I can so totally relate to what you're going through! My husband's job has moved us around quite a bit, and there have been times when I have felt the same things you are feeling. I'm totally "normal" and drama-free, too, and my husband even more so. We have two kids, and you'd think that I would easily make friends with my kids friends parents, but that's not as easy as it sounds! (Parents are too busy, and most of the parents I meet work which makes things even trickier...)
Anyway - my advice to you is to quit thinking about trying to make friends, and just go out and do things you enjoy doing. When I do this, I make friends without even thinking about it. I volunteer, I take classes, I join nature walk groups, I take yoga classes, I swim... and I meet people. Sometimes they become friends, sometimes they are just friendly people I see when we're both doing whatever it is we're doing... but it's still healthy social interaction.
Becoming a friend isn't something that happens and then it's done, you're friends for life... it's a process. It's an on-going thing. Some people are better at it than others. Maybe these experiences you had in the past just meant that the other people didn't feel like putting forth the effort anymore. That's probably not the kind of person you want to work on a friendship with, anyway. Or maybe you did come on too strong or seemed too needy?
I have the opposite problem, personally... people I meet tell me that I become distant. I can understand that, actually. I am a busy mom with two kids involved in lots of things... so I have to struggle with letting my friends - and potential friends - know that I do care about them even if I don't call them every week! I have had people ask me if I was mad at them... when I totally wasn't! I just had been busy and hadn't called them in a few weeks. I'm a person who not only is busy, but also needs a lot of personal space and private time.... so for me making friends is tricky because I find it hard to find other people who are also like that and who respect that sort of friendship. It seems like most people need more weekly or sometimes even daily or every other day interaction, and I'm just not into that at all. That suffocates me. I would be fine touching base with my friends once a month!
It sounds like you might struggle in an opposite sort of way, though, than me. Maybe people might feel a bit overwhelmed or smothered or something. I dunno. It's really hard to guess when we don't know you. And it might be, too, that these other people do like you and your husband... but maybe there's something going on in their lives that they're dealing with right now? My husband and I made friends with a couple once and everything was going great. We took road trips together, our kids played together, we camped together... then *poof*. Nothing. We didn't hear from them, they didn't return our calls or emails. We weren't sure what to think. My husband and I both went over and over our experiences with them... trying to figure out if we had offended them in some way. We later found out that the wife had been diagnosed with MS and they were just dealing with all of that. You would think that people would lean on or turn to their friends through hard times, but in some cases it's the opposite... people go into recluse mode. Different people react differently to stressful situations. They are slowly coming around again, and we'll always be there for them as friends, but I have a feeling things will never quite be the same with them. This time around it's someone else who has become distant, with me wondering how best to deal with it. It's been a good learning experience.
Anyway - good luck with everything. If you were in Oregon, I'd say - let's hang out, but I prolly won't call you again for another month!
I think you are on the right track, recognizing that you have a problem and that you might need to seek out help. To the best of my knowledge there is no such thing as a friend coach, but there are plenty of therapists who specialize in relationship and interpersonal communication skills across the board.
Interesting idea. Maybe the OP can "hire" someone to hang out as a friend for a few dates and they can give their take on anything "weird" that she might be doing? Maybe a friend of a friend of a friend type deal, that way it's not too weird. OP talk to your one friend and see if there is someone she can hook you up to give their take on you? Just an idea....
To answer someone else who posted first, yes, I am an only child. Does this change my viewpoint on this stuff? I never really thought about it from that perspective. My husband has a brother and a sister but is not close with his sibs at all. His parents are not close to their sibs. I think a lot of people are not close to their sibs, especially as they get older.
I do have one really close friend (besides my hubby). This is my college roommate--we have stayed in touch after all those years and talk all the time. I have a few other good friends from college, I wouldn't say they are super close, but we still keep in touch. And I made one friend (not super good friend) here from work--we go out from time to time (she also is married with no kids). We have not double-dated yet.
I have spent soooo much time analyzing these situations. I know I am doing something wrong but still can't figure out what. I think I am a great conversationalist and am able to talk about anything with anyone. I will say that sometimes I have a bit of social anxiety, this is something new over the past few years. I believe it's because of all the rejection I've experienced with trying to make friends. Sometimes I get nervous in social situations, anticipating the rejection. But I don't avoid social situations or anything like that. Just a bit of social anxiety. Overall, though, I left the double date dinner and the dinner with my aunt thinking that it was a great time. Then, to my surprise, both people never spoke to me again.
I think maybe a therapist might help but how will they see me interact in social situations? I would think because of this their help for my problem might be limited.
I am not a therapist, but I do think if it bothers you so much I would see one. No they do not see you in social settings but it may go a little deeper. I totally understand the sibling/parent issue and can relate more than you know.
The only child issue - That did not even come to my mind!
I asked about if you have a couple of close friends because one of my professors was discussing the johari window Interactive Johari Window - take the test online
and I remember him saying that he thought it was better to have two or three close friends that you could rely on and they could rely on you. He went on to ask, if you have X amount of friends how can you keep up with them all and really be a friend to them? It made sense to me.
Cracks me up when I see coworkers or acquaintances with 300 plus facebook friends! Honestly!
Anway, my personal thought is you think about it to much. Be who you are, enjoy who you are, and enjoy life!
Well maybe the OP is being pessimistic and didn't consider that it is possible her friends have become distracted and overwhelmed with their own lives.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
Well, I have to say this. There's something going on here that you're not telling us, for none of this adds up.
Sometimes people are unappreciative and don't see what you have to offer as of value.
Also you can't overly criticize yourself. That's not right nor will it help you. Find new friends little by little.
If you have honestly tried your best to be a very good friend. They why sit there analyzing yourself and criticizing yourself?
Quote:
Originally Posted by kibblesandbits
What do you mean by this--I'm a bit confused.
I am definitely a low-key type of person. I keep the focus on the other person. I am sensitive to what is going on with other people, and say, if someone is single I do not discuss all the fun things I am doing with my husband, etc.
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