thats it. after tonight, i am doing "the fade" on a friend of mine (acquaintance, money)
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ok so i saw that friend yesterday. to my surprise, she offered to buy me a drink. it wasnt in the nice, appropriate way though (in my understanding). when we got there i said that i am getting a drink at the bar. she then added that she would get one too and that she would buy me a drink as it seems like thats what i have been getting her to do... this friend always adds crap like that! she always adds in her extra 2 cents which is damn annoying! she pulled her thing of when i wanted to leave after 1 hr 45 minutes of "oh can we stay a little longer?" and i said that i had to walk my dogs and take my meds! ugh. we ended up running into a guy she went to high school with, and for 15 extra minutes they were talking about highschool. i finally just got into the car and she got in lol.
anyway, i am just not going to respond to her when she contacts me ever. i dont need friends like her.
Well you can't change who she is. But I recall from another thread that you thought that you'd only want to stay at this party for 2 hours. So you won. And you worked with the way she is by telling her you were leaving 15 minutes ahead of your schedule.
My thoughts from reading your posts is that you don't like to compromise. You decide ahead of time what you want and are inflexible about working with anyone. I'm thinking that if you could relax your need for complete control, you'll be happier with the people around you. Surely this friend of yours must have some good traits, she must be good company in some manner.
And you also look at your watch too much. I remember you going on a date and telling us precisely how long it lasted. Maybe you shouldn't wear a watch on your nights out. Maybe then you could last longer than two hours at a party.
True. But you are NOT in control of how someone acts.
Gosh, there really is a lot to say about this. Not sure where to start or how.
Will try!
You are in control of how much you will endure. If you continue to endure it, you are enabling - feeding - that behavior.
Example from another thread about when a dog jumps on a person. Works the very same for human beings by administering human forms of healthy, non-destructive "discipline."
If you pull up your leg when the dog jumps as a deterrent -or - step on his paws/turn your back on the dog. . .you are teaching him HOW to treat you, correct? It is behavior modification/behavior correction.
If you do not do this to the dog when he jumps on you - irritating you. . what happens? The dog will continue to do so. Same thing with people.
For those that I have known that are of the sort that LeavingLA speaks about, there is a way to correct that behavior in the other. Getting into the car not giving a crap was the right move for LA to do. if she would have started this behavior ago, many things would have been avoided. BUT, live and learn - we all must. I know I sure did!
Often, people confuse "being feared" with "respect." A lot of people are afraid of not being liked. They want/need social acceptance. When you get to the point in thinking that "you do not care if someone likes you or not, but you do care that they respect you," you are on the right track. People who set out to be "liked," more often than not, are not respected. They are pushovers, the "Patsy" in the crowd.
And yes, people will take advantage of that immediately and will work it.
The trick? Put your foot down and put a cement block on top of it. Start stating what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate. When someone does something against you to your face in front of others - do NOT be afraid to give that 4-5 second stern and fixed look directly in their eyes with a small shake of the head - and TURN your back, walk away. Think it does not get a reaction? You bet it does.
Turning your back and saying NOTHING is very powerful. It is more powerful than words. On the phone? - "I have to go, something has come up. We'll talk soon, alright... " No definite wording - lingering wording. When you behave diplomatically, you will be amazed at the response you receive from others. This knocks many people to their knees. Everyone wants a clear answer "NOW."
We are in a "rushed society." We no longer write checks because it takes too much time. We pay by check card or debit. We roll our eyes in line at the one in a million who does write checks. Everything in society is about the "now, now, now," - "we want it now!" Patience in people has waned - "fast food, 15 minute oil changes, rush delivery, fast payment methods, cookbooks that cater to 5 minute recipes. . . " - the list goes on. If you think people do not 'demand' this in 'you,' think again. It does bleed into friendships and associations.
You are NOT in control of how someone acts, but you can apply tactics on how they act with YOU and how they treat YOU.
Most (not all) people on this forum here have taught ME how to treat them.
Although FEW in number - there are people that I do not like on this forum that I do not respect. There are also people on this forum that I do not like but DO respect. All because they taught me how to treat them.
hah wow thanks for the tips. i actually agree to a certain extent with some of the advice here, but being that people dont personally know me or my friend, i take it all with a grain of salt.
i just havent spoken to her since wednesday night. she goes back to san francisco soon, and i wish her the best with her career. i dont really speak to her frequently so our relationship is only changing from little communication, to no communication from my end.
she does have a hard time having intimate friendships. my feeling is that people tend to find her really annoying and end up just doing the fade on her like i am doing. many times when she has spoken to me she would ask me things like if i think she is annoying, why people think she is annoying, if she is pretty, etc. i have nothing wrong being their for friends if they need a confidence boost, but when i start to feel like i am your counselor, it makes me uneasy.
Location: Pittsburgh--Home of the 6 time Super Bowl Champions!
11,310 posts, read 12,371,410 times
Reputation: 4938
Quote:
Originally Posted by gaelgirl
True. But you are NOT in control of how someone acts.
You ARE in CONTROL of how you REACT to their actions! Hang with me and JeepGirl--we'll teach you how to teach people how to treat you! (Now say that real fast 10 times!!!) It really is a learning experience but in the end you will have better relationships! Dr.Phil is actually the one who came up with "you teach people how to treat you." It's so true!
Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118
Gosh, there really is a lot to say about this. Not sure where to start or how.
Will try!
You are in control of how much you will endure. If you continue to endure it, you are enabling - feeding - that behavior.
Example from another thread about when a dog jumps on a person. Works the very same for human beings by administering human forms of healthy, non-destructive "discipline."
If you pull up your leg when the dog jumps as a deterrent -or - step on his paws/turn your back on the dog. . .you are teaching him HOW to treat you, correct? It is behavior modification/behavior correction.
If you do not do this to the dog when he jumps on you - irritating you. . what happens? The dog will continue to do so. Same thing with people.
For those that I have known that are of the sort that LeavingLA speaks about, there is a way to correct that behavior in the other. Getting into the car not giving a crap was the right move for LA to do. if she would have started this behavior ago, many things would have been avoided. BUT, live and learn - we all must. I know I sure did!
Often, people confuse "being feared" with "respect." A lot of people are afraid of not being liked. They want/need social acceptance. When you get to the point in thinking that "you do not care if someone likes you or not, but you do care that they respect you," you are on the right track. People who set out to be "liked," more often than not, are not respected. They are pushovers, the "Patsy" in the crowd.
And yes, people will take advantage of that immediately and will work it.
The trick? Put your foot down and put a cement block on top of it. Start stating what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate. When someone does something against you to your face in front of others - do NOT be afraid to give that 4-5 second stern and fixed look directly in their eyes with a small shake of the head - and TURN your back, walk away. Think it does not get a reaction? You bet it does.
Turning your back and saying NOTHING is very powerful. It is more powerful than words. On the phone? - "I have to go, something has come up. We'll talk soon, alright... " No definite wording - lingering wording. When you behave diplomatically, you will be amazed at the response you receive from others. This knocks many people to their knees. Everyone wants a clear answer "NOW."
We are in a "rushed society." We no longer write checks because it takes too much time. We pay by check card or debit. We roll our eyes in line at the one in a million who does write checks. Everything in society is about the "now, now, now," - "we want it now!" Patience in people has waned - "fast food, 15 minute oil changes, rush delivery, fast payment methods, cookbooks that cater to 5 minute recipes. . . " - the list goes on. If you think people do not 'demand' this in 'you,' think again. It does bleed into friendships and associations.
You are NOT in control of how someone acts, but you can apply tactics on how they act with YOU and how they treat YOU.
Most (not all) people on this forum here have taught ME how to treat them.
Although FEW in number - there are people that I do not like on this forum that I do not respect. There are also people on this forum that I do not like but DO respect. All because they taught me how to treat them.
Gosh I wish I could rep you again! This was an AWESOME post!!
Okay, let's take this a step further. How about bullies? Like pick on kids in the playground bullies (now, I grew big and strong much faster than the other kids....so I could have been one...but alas)
Bullies are just cowards, and most of the bullies from my school days relied on their 'pack' for their courage. One tormented me for a while, but dad explained how to deal with him. One straight blow straight to the nose, and it was over.
Didn't realize it as such at the time, but in essence I made a clear statement were my boundaries were, and he got the message.
Location: Pittsburgh--Home of the 6 time Super Bowl Champions!
11,310 posts, read 12,371,410 times
Reputation: 4938
Quote:
Originally Posted by Asheville Native
Bullies are just cowards, and most of the bullies from my school days relied on their 'pack' for their courage. One tormented me for a while, but dad explained how to deal with him. One straight blow straight to the nose, and it was over.
Didn't realize it as such at the time, but in essence I made a clear statement were my boundaries were, and he got the message.
You TAUGHT him how to treat you! See how that works everyone?
On the flip side people are not meant for each other
Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepGirl118
We teach people how to treat us.
Your friend is not entirely to blame.
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Hang with me and JeepGirl--we'll teach you how to teach people how to treat you! (Now say that real fast 10 times!!!) It really is a learning experience but in the end you will have better relationships! Dr.Phil is actually the one who came up with "you teach people how to treat you." It's so true! 
