U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-07-2009, 02:47 PM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 8,041,243 times
Reputation: 1813

Advertisements

I guess to start I should say mods might think this is a parents forum thread, but I actually want opinions from everyone. I'd like to hear from people that actually grew up not seeing a parent and how you dealt with it.

The situation is this. We separated about 5 months ago, and at the time their dad and I agreed that he would stay and work in Indiana and the kids and I would move back, FL is my "stable" place. We agreed on support etc and he said he would be willing to visit bi-weekly, or as airline prices would allow.

Fast Forward a month and he lost his job, moved down here for a week and then off to yet another job, this time only 1 1/2 hrs away. So, he started visiting on weekends. Now, he's up in Boston, and the visits will be varying sometimes by a few weeks depending on prices.

I've been tossing around the idea in my head about moving up that way (not right in Boston but prob an hr away at least), once he's established in his job.
I've had mixed reactions from friends on this topic.

Not only do I want him to share responsibility (like we agreed), and for my son and daughter to be able to see him regularly. The main reason for it being, my son takes it EXTREMELY hard when he doesn't see him. He's two and half. He's very sensitive and every time he talks to him on the phone, he ends up waking up crying in the middle of the night that daddy's gone, or like the other day, at 6am he was in the living room standing next to the (sofabed) where daddy sleeps when he visits, crying for daddy. It's heartbreaking, and I always have to choke back my own tears to even tell him it's okay and that daddy just has to work. This isn't what I wanted for them.

Am I wrong to consider moving up there? There's always a chance of a lost job, no matter what the situation. I just believe they need BOTH of us. I don't want to feel like I didn't do everything possible to give them what they needed growing up. And I don't want them to look back and think that I could've done more.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-07-2009, 02:58 PM
 
11,679 posts, read 14,426,971 times
Reputation: 19121
"Been through this" as in had a missing parent? Or been the partner of a missing parent?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-07-2009, 03:06 PM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 8,041,243 times
Reputation: 1813
Quote:
Originally Posted by spinx View Post
"Been through this" as in had a missing parent? Or been the partner of a missing parent?
Both. But, I am very worried what affect this will have on them in the future.
So many people have told me, I can't make him want to be the parent he should be, or it's his responsibility to visit them. But, you know what? What kind of mother would I be, if I didn't do EVERYTHING I could to get them what they need?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-07-2009, 03:35 PM
 
11,679 posts, read 14,426,971 times
Reputation: 19121
Quote:
Originally Posted by floridadreamer View Post
Both. But, I am very worried what affect this will have on them in the future.
So many people have told me, I can't make him want to be the parent he should be, or it's his responsibility to visit them. But, you know what? What kind of mother would I be, if I didn't do EVERYTHING I could to get them what they need?
Do you have a stable job in Florida and a stable home that's established? If you do, I would think it wouldbe worse to take that from them, something they already have, than to worry about the father. It sounds like he's all over the place and that probably isn't going to change right away... At least in FL they could have some sense of stability.

I have had a father who was intermittently absent in my childhood. He was always moving closer and farther away. Screwed me up nicely if you want the truth, as a kid at least.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-07-2009, 03:51 PM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 8,041,243 times
Reputation: 1813
The kids are very young (14months and 2yr8mo), so he agreed to pay enough support that I don't have to work at the moment. That won't change as long as he has a job. However, it doesn't provide enough support to warrant me paying for childcare so I can work or go to school. I admit, one of the reasons I want him to be closer is so he can share in his responsibility. Whenever my son wakes up crying, you can bet I tell him about it. I know some parents choose to shoulder that burden alone, but I want him to realize what it will do to them if he doesn't keep up his regular visitation.

Being screwed up is what I am trying to avoid. Besides the issues with my son, my daughter is likely to grow up very untrusting and/or clingy towards men because she either gets used to him not being there at all, or him coming and going. That I have seen many times.

Isn't it fair to say that a kids stability would be more affected by not having us both, rather than what town they live in?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-07-2009, 03:57 PM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,941 posts, read 7,310,023 times
Reputation: 12261
I would give it some time as it seems like your ex is not settled yet. The worst thing you could do is uproot to be closer only to have things not work out for him and he's on the move again. It can be particularly hard given the age of your children. For the time being, is there anyway to set up any type of video/camera option on the computer or cell where the kids can see & talk to dad?

I grew up without my father in my life and I feel that void even at my age (let's just say I am in my "seasoned" 30's) So it IS important to keep that relationship, just don't give them too much to deal with at one time (like moving to a new home, friends, school, etc) until you know your ex is going to stay put.

Best of luck!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-07-2009, 03:58 PM
 
Location: In my skin
9,048 posts, read 14,319,405 times
Reputation: 8909
It's great that you want to do everything possible to keep them close.

Kids are resilient. We agreed, when our son was born, that we didn't want him raised where we were. I moved, father stayed behind but had an open door policy to come visit whenever he wanted. The boy would be a wreck when he left. But the visits were few and far between his whole life, so he became used to it.

My situation was much different than yours. The point is that they do adjust. If dad is a very involved and responsible parent, and you feel it is best to move and you are willing, I say go for it. Absolutely.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-07-2009, 04:01 PM
 
Location: New York, NY
1,629 posts, read 2,367,124 times
Reputation: 2411
I think it's a good idea to give them the best shot at a nearly intact family IF you can find a stable job and affordable home there. The northeast is stupid expensive. I was essentially abandoned by my father once he moved across the country and it took many years of therapy to undo the damage.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-07-2009, 04:07 PM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
9,369 posts, read 18,012,722 times
Reputation: 18406
Would you say he is a good father? Uprooting your own life may prove to be a mistake down the road. What if he moves again, will you continue to follow?

Kids that age are emotionally malleable. They recover faster and can adjust to changes better than adults. My dad was in and out (mostly out) of my life until I was 6, when he finally stuck around it was no bargain. I didn't get close to him until my late teens and early twenties, and then he died, so I guess something was better than nothing. The thing is, I have very few memories of him prior to the age of 5, and if you think back on your own childhood, you probably don't recall much about your parents prior to that age either.

I remember when I had to get on a plane for a one year remote assignment and leave my four year old daughter at the airport crying and screaming for daddy. It tore my heart out, but after a couple of weeks she adjusted and we maintained contact via phone calls. Today we are as close as the day I got on that plane.

My point is, if their father is a good dad, he will be cherished as such.

Oscar Wilde once said..."“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes, they forgive them”. If he's a good dad, they will judge him accordingly, regardless of the distance between them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-07-2009, 04:14 PM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 11,011,591 times
Reputation: 9460
If your ex-husband wants to be an active participant in the lives of his children, then by all means move close to him and let him be in their lives and do things with them. If he doesn't want to be an active participant, it doesn't matter where you live because he won't do his part. That is the sad reality of the situation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top