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Old 08-21-2009, 03:34 PM
 
Location: Eastern Washington
14,228 posts, read 44,887,015 times
Reputation: 12798

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Just for reference here, Sprawling, are you married? What about Drew? Are you guys in UK? Some things you refer to like "owning" an apartment seem more like UK concepts - in the States generally an apartment is rented, if you own it it's a condo...again just to put everything into it's context.

I don't know that I would refuse to see this guy in social situations, but, I don't think I would trust him. He would be what we call in Russian "preatyl", a guy that's pleasant to be around, but would not be promoted to "droog" or real friend. In English, at least American English (is that an oxymoron?) the word "friend" is generally used for anyone who is beyond an aquaintance or colleague, and that covers a lot of ground.

I'd try to get that key back from him, or change my locks...
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Old 08-21-2009, 03:43 PM
 
Location: New York, NY
1,629 posts, read 2,366,856 times
Reputation: 2411
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coldjensens View Post
I have friends who are gay. I find what gay men do disgusting and I do tno want to hear about it. I personally think that it is an affornt to God, but that is between them and God. My personal belief on the issue would only be significant if I were Gay. Thus we are friends. They know not to describe their sexual activities to me or call some guy "tasty" and I know not to make any gay jokes. What my wife and I do in our bedroom does not come into play in our frindship so why should what he does with his partner ever be an issue.
Gayness is not the same as a character flaw it's a trait like right handedness.
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Old 08-21-2009, 05:15 PM
 
6,034 posts, read 13,128,384 times
Reputation: 6903
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner View Post
What do you do?

Meaning, he/she is still a good friend. Has helped you in the past, unselfishly. Has had you over his/her home for dinners. Gone drinking. Invited you to his/her home for special events, get-togethers. Etc. Been a good friend, overall.

But, you notice over time he/she is capable of shady behavior. Dishonest in some ways. Exaggerates. Not a straight talker. Little things that add up and make you go "hmmmm" and you feel you can't really fully trust this person. And you see this person guilty of, or complicit/tacit in, activities of questionable morality.

Your choice would be...

1. Go along as if nothing happened

2. Back off; you're still friends, but you don't expose yourself to him/her as much

3. Summarily cut the friendship off
This happened to my husband and I. We made some - we thought - really good friends. But over time we'd see them behave in odd ways, or "talk big"... kind of get braggy and boastful. They were also really secretive about some things... in ways that made us feel like they were hiding something. Over the course of about three years these kinds of things started adding up. So we distanced ourselves and now we hardly ever hear from or see them. We feel it's for the best, unfortunately. It's so hard to meet good people these days! Wow!
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Old 08-21-2009, 05:17 PM
 
6,034 posts, read 13,128,384 times
Reputation: 6903
Quote:
Originally Posted by M3 Mitch View Post
Just for reference here, Sprawling, are you married? What about Drew? Are you guys in UK? Some things you refer to like "owning" an apartment seem more like UK concepts - in the States generally an apartment is rented, if you own it it's a condo...again just to put everything into it's context.
People own apartments in cities like New York, Boston...
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Old 08-21-2009, 11:08 PM
 
Location: republic
429 posts, read 613,667 times
Reputation: 330
keep you distance.trust me or
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Old 08-22-2009, 05:35 AM
 
943 posts, read 2,025,807 times
Reputation: 516
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner View Post
The man has plenty of money. He is a self-employed business owner and while he works hard to have what he wants, he's reaped plenty of rewards from his work & business. Let's just say his revenue stream is far greater than mine.
His ability to lie, and scheme probably helped him in business, hard work or not. I just wouldnt want someone around like this. Bad character, you do not want to be friends with someone like this. I have dumped people who have proven themselves to be morally degenerate and what word can I say "EVIL"? {I have dumped three friends in my life who proved themselves to be moral degenerates, when I found out about certain lifestyles they kept hidden or other very bad behavior}
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Old 08-22-2009, 05:41 AM
 
943 posts, read 2,025,807 times
Reputation: 516
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coldjensens View Post
If you have only perfect frinds you will be lonely.

I have firend who are bigots, but otherwise wonderful people. They are aware that I do not like bigotry, but otherwise all I do is say nothing or occaisioanlly scold them. They are good hearted charitable people and loyal frinds. They just have a flaw.

I have a friend who cheats on his wife. I let him know that is costs him most of my respect, but otherwise I do not harp on it. I certainly do not encourage it. It is jsut not discussed.

I have friends who cheat on their taxes. I tell them that I do nto want ot hear about it and that is it.

I have friends who are gay. I find what gay men do disgusting and I do tno want to hear about it. I personally think that it is an affornt to God, but that is between them and God. My personal belief on the issue would only be significant if I were Gay. Thus we are friends. They know not to describe their sexual activities to me or call some guy "tasty" and I know not to make any gay jokes. What my wife and I do in our bedroom does not come into play in our frindship so why should what he does with his partner ever be an issue.

I once had a friend who was a criminal. I knew that he did something shady, but not what. Later when I found out that he had killed people, I got as far away from him as possible. I would probably have a problem with anyone who engaged in something that physically harms other people.

When it comes to financial/property crimes, it is more difficult. Financial crimes hurt others. However, are you going to cut off anyone who cheats on taxes? Swipes an extra newspaper out of the newspaper box? Avoids paying a toll or subway fare? On the other hand, someone who swindles the elderly out of their savings could nto be my friend. Where do you draw the line?
You got to draw the line when there is stealing or illegal behavior.

A lot of people get arrested who are merely with someone like that. People like that put YOU in danger.

I think when someone does stuff that moves them into the "criminal" line you gotta walk. Im not talking speeding or cheating on taxes, but lets say the FELONY line.

As a born again Chrsitain, I do have friends who dont share my religion, but I do think, in my case, I only want to deal with people who don't stomp on my basic values. There is a difference between understanding human foibles--recovering addicts, health problems, those in martial and relationship turmoil, unemployed and broke, and taking on people who would cheat you in a dime and show no conscience. This friend from what the OP describes is very low in the conscience department.
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Old 08-22-2009, 07:23 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,671 posts, read 58,375,697 times
Reputation: 26526
A major part of life is forming relationships with others and there are countless people with whom we initially form a bond but which bond deteriorates over time as we learn more about the person and find that our interests are really very disparate.

In this case, you've simply grown apart from this man you looked upon as a friend. The fact that he may or may not cheat on his wife offends you morally, the incident with the dishwasher is simply very bizarre (you really shouldn't give anyone you don't know too well keys to your house!) but I had to laugh about the story of the sirloin. It's really tacky to take meat or anything else to someone's party and then, because it's not used, ask for it back when you leave. In that case I think you deserved what you got.

Anyway, none of this is really what I would call, "shady." He's just someone you prefer not to spend so much time with, so plan "b" would be my choice. Cheers!
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Old 08-22-2009, 07:33 AM
 
47,573 posts, read 60,617,927 times
Reputation: 22283
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sprawling_Homeowner View Post
What do you do?

Meaning, he/she is still a good friend. Has helped you in the past, unselfishly. Has had you over his/her home for dinners. Gone drinking. Invited you to his/her home for special events, get-togethers. Etc. Been a good friend, overall.

But, you notice over time he/she is capable of shady behavior. Dishonest in some ways. Exaggerates. Not a straight talker. Little things that add up and make you go "hmmmm" and you feel you can't really fully trust this person. And you see this person guilty of, or complicit/tacit in, activities of questionable morality.

Your choice would be...

1. Go along as if nothing happened

2. Back off; you're still friends, but you don't expose yourself to him/her as much

3. Summarily cut the friendship off

Number 3. I would begin to question the motives for a friendship if the person was shady.
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Old 08-22-2009, 02:13 PM
 
1,919 posts, read 3,959,741 times
Reputation: 1523
Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
A major part of life is forming relationships with others and there are countless people with whom we initially form a bond but which bond deteriorates over time as we learn more about the person and find that our interests are really very disparate.

In this case, you've simply grown apart from this man you looked upon as a friend. The fact that he may or may not cheat on his wife offends you morally, the incident with the dishwasher is simply very bizarre (you really shouldn't give anyone you don't know too well keys to your house!) but I had to laugh about the story of the sirloin. It's really tacky to take meat or anything else to someone's party and then, because it's not used, ask for it back when you leave. In that case I think you deserved what you got.

Anyway, none of this is really what I would call, "shady." He's just someone you prefer not to spend so much time with, so plan "b" would be my choice. Cheers!
He himself told me to take the unused meat home after the party.

But even if it hadn't, are you then reasoning that the mere fact I asked for the unused meat warranted him giving me something else and keeping what was mine - on purpose?
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