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Old 11-23-2009, 02:58 PM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,867 posts, read 7,128,958 times
Reputation: 7407

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ok guys, here goes.

not necessarily looking for advice as such, but i'm interested to hear how other people would react, it might give me other things to think about.

brief back story.
when i first came around here a few months back, myself and my g/f were having some difficulties.
i'd proposed, and she'd had some sort of panic attack and wanted to leave.
it seems that, because her last relationship was extremely abusive, maybe she wasn't over the ordeal as much as either of us thought, and the proposal started off the whole episode. maybe some sort of PTSD.

she's now getting help, and starting to open up a bit, she's doing really well. i'm very proud of her.
as a couple, we're getting on fine again now thankfully, we aren't out of the woods, but things are looking much better.

however, as she was having her "wobbly" episode, it was all too much for me to deal with on my own.
i decided not to tell my parents we were having problems, because i wanted to wait until i knew she was definitely leaving.
mainly because i imagined how she'd feel, having to face them if we made it through it, with them knowing she'd been abused.
now, everyone will know that it wasn't her fault, but, you try to tell that to someone who's been abused. they feel guilty, ashamed, and take blame, in fact, the abuser will often thrive on the shame.
i couldn't really tell them anything other than the truth without them judging her badly, so i said nothing.

anyway, i decided to confide in my sister. now, we're not particularly close, various family politics have seen to that, but i thought it was a chance to undo some of that. i told her we had problems, and since she thought my g/f was being flaky, i opened up about the abuse, and mentioned that rapes had been involved.
she then opened up a little, and her advice changed.

i thought it was going ok, until suddenly i receive a text message from my mother, then my father, telling me how sorry they were to hear that my g/f had left me. in fact she hadn't left, she had just backed off to clear her head.

turns out that during an argument with my mother, my sister somehow managed to drag myself and my g/f into it, and announce we'd split up.
(i don't know how much else she told them, parents are being cagey !!)

so, now my sister is texting giving it the big "i'm so sorry" speech.

so here's the question, what would you do ?

accept the apology and forget it ?
make sure she knows how pissed you are, and accept the apology ?
tell her to burn in hell ?


discuss........................................... .........
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Old 11-23-2009, 03:09 PM
 
Location: The Jar
20,028 posts, read 13,485,781 times
Reputation: 36623
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman View Post
ok guys, here goes.

not necessarily looking for advice as such, but i'm interested to hear how other people would react, it might give me other things to think about.

brief back story.
when i first came around here a few months back, myself and my g/f were having some difficulties.
i'd proposed, and she'd had some sort of panic attack and wanted to leave.
it seems that, because her last relationship was extremely abusive, maybe she wasn't over the ordeal as much as either of us thought, and the proposal started off the whole episode. maybe some sort of PTSD.

she's now getting help, and starting to open up a bit, she's doing really well. i'm very proud of her.
as a couple, we're getting on fine again now thankfully, we aren't out of the woods, but things are looking much better.

however, as she was having her "wobbly" episode, it was all too much for me to deal with on my own.
i decided not to tell my parents we were having problems, because i wanted to wait until i knew she was definitely leaving.
mainly because i imagined how she'd feel, having to face them if we made it through it, with them knowing she'd been abused.
now, everyone will know that it wasn't her fault, but, you try to tell that to someone who's been abused. they feel guilty, ashamed, and take blame, in fact, the abuser will often thrive on the shame.
i couldn't really tell them anything other than the truth without them judging her badly, so i said nothing.

anyway, i decided to confide in my sister. now, we're not particularly close, various family politics have seen to that, but i thought it was a chance to undo some of that. i told her we had problems, and since she thought my g/f was being flaky, i opened up about the abuse, and mentioned that rapes had been involved.
she then opened up a little, and her advice changed.

i thought it was going ok, until suddenly i receive a text message from my mother, then my father, telling me how sorry they were to hear that my g/f had left me. in fact she hadn't left, she had just backed off to clear her head.

turns out that during an argument with my mother, my sister somehow managed to drag myself and my g/f into it, and announce we'd split up.
(i don't know how much else she told them, parents are being cagey !!)

so, now my sister is texting giving it the big "i'm so sorry" speech.

so here's the question, what would you do ?

accept the apology and forget it ?
make sure she knows how pissed you are, and accept the apology ?
tell her to burn in hell ?


discuss........................................... .........
I'd accept her apology. But, I would be careful about sharing any future info. with her until she has proven herself trustworthy again.

I don't think it is enough of a reason to tell her to go to hell. She is, afterall, your sister.
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Old 11-23-2009, 03:15 PM
 
173 posts, read 520,458 times
Reputation: 125
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman View Post
ok guys, here goes.

not necessarily looking for advice as such, but i'm interested to hear how other people would react, it might give me other things to think about.

brief back story.
when i first came around here a few months back, myself and my g/f were having some difficulties.
i'd proposed, and she'd had some sort of panic attack and wanted to leave.
it seems that, because her last relationship was extremely abusive, maybe she wasn't over the ordeal as much as either of us thought, and the proposal started off the whole episode. maybe some sort of PTSD.

she's now getting help, and starting to open up a bit, she's doing really well. i'm very proud of her.
as a couple, we're getting on fine again now thankfully, we aren't out of the woods, but things are looking much better.

however, as she was having her "wobbly" episode, it was all too much for me to deal with on my own.
i decided not to tell my parents we were having problems, because i wanted to wait until i knew she was definitely leaving.
mainly because i imagined how she'd feel, having to face them if we made it through it, with them knowing she'd been abused.
now, everyone will know that it wasn't her fault, but, you try to tell that to someone who's been abused. they feel guilty, ashamed, and take blame, in fact, the abuser will often thrive on the shame.
i couldn't really tell them anything other than the truth without them judging her badly, so i said nothing.

anyway, i decided to confide in my sister. now, we're not particularly close, various family politics have seen to that, but i thought it was a chance to undo some of that. i told her we had problems, and since she thought my g/f was being flaky, i opened up about the abuse, and mentioned that rapes had been involved.
she then opened up a little, and her advice changed.

i thought it was going ok, until suddenly i receive a text message from my mother, then my father, telling me how sorry they were to hear that my g/f had left me. in fact she hadn't left, she had just backed off to clear her head.

turns out that during an argument with my mother, my sister somehow managed to drag myself and my g/f into it, and announce we'd split up.
(i don't know how much else she told them, parents are being cagey !!)

so, now my sister is texting giving it the big "i'm so sorry" speech.

so here's the question, what would you do ?

accept the apology and forget it ?
make sure she knows how pissed you are, and accept the apology ?
tell her to burn in hell ?


discuss........................................... .........
Burn in hell might be a wee lil bit too much. But you should let her know how much it got to you. You can accept her apology if you want, but remember this when you're thinking about sharing information with her in the future. I'm not saying she won't change, nor am i saying you can't trust her in the future. But have it in your mind when you're going to tell her something.
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Old 11-23-2009, 03:36 PM
 
Location: 2nd state in the union...
2,382 posts, read 3,897,840 times
Reputation: 1590
I agree with the consensus so far...accept her apology but don't confide in her in the future. Or at least don't tell her anything that you absolutely don't want to be told to someone else.

She will also have to understand that it will take time to build the trust back up.

Good luck.

Last edited by wigirl920; 11-23-2009 at 03:45 PM..
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Old 11-23-2009, 03:42 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 85,104,254 times
Reputation: 39642
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman View Post
ok guys, here goes.

not necessarily looking for advice as such, but i'm interested to hear how other people would react, it might give me other things to think about.

brief back story.
when i first came around here a few months back, myself and my g/f were having some difficulties.
i'd proposed, and she'd had some sort of panic attack and wanted to leave.
it seems that, because her last relationship was extremely abusive, maybe she wasn't over the ordeal as much as either of us thought, and the proposal started off the whole episode. maybe some sort of PTSD.

she's now getting help, and starting to open up a bit, she's doing really well. i'm very proud of her.
as a couple, we're getting on fine again now thankfully, we aren't out of the woods, but things are looking much better.

however, as she was having her "wobbly" episode, it was all too much for me to deal with on my own.
i decided not to tell my parents we were having problems, because i wanted to wait until i knew she was definitely leaving.
mainly because i imagined how she'd feel, having to face them if we made it through it, with them knowing she'd been abused.
now, everyone will know that it wasn't her fault, but, you try to tell that to someone who's been abused. they feel guilty, ashamed, and take blame, in fact, the abuser will often thrive on the shame.
i couldn't really tell them anything other than the truth without them judging her badly, so i said nothing.

anyway, i decided to confide in my sister. now, we're not particularly close, various family politics have seen to that, but i thought it was a chance to undo some of that. i told her we had problems, and since she thought my g/f was being flaky, i opened up about the abuse, and mentioned that rapes had been involved.
she then opened up a little, and her advice changed.

i thought it was going ok, until suddenly i receive a text message from my mother, then my father, telling me how sorry they were to hear that my g/f had left me. in fact she hadn't left, she had just backed off to clear her head.

turns out that during an argument with my mother, my sister somehow managed to drag myself and my g/f into it, and announce we'd split up.
(i don't know how much else she told them, parents are being cagey !!)

so, now my sister is texting giving it the big "i'm so sorry" speech.

so here's the question, what would you do ?

accept the apology and forget it ?
make sure she knows how pissed you are, and accept the apology ?
tell her to burn in hell ?


discuss........................................... .........
Accept her apology, especially if this was out of character for her (blurting out secret info) - but never share another big secret with her.

Hey, one day YOU might be a bigger mess up and you'll appreciate the forgiveness someone offers you

On another note - be sure your girl deals with all the PTSD BEFORE you marry her - trust me, you don't want to go there and potentially have kids with her if this whole thing from her past has not been dealt with.

Last edited by yankeegirl313; 11-23-2009 at 04:19 PM..
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Old 11-23-2009, 03:42 PM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
9,371 posts, read 17,291,726 times
Reputation: 18330
Well it's definitely not a hanging offense. I would accept the apology, but I wouldn't share any intimate details of my life with her again. She violated your trust in the midst of a tantrum trying to make herself look better while making you look less than perfect in the eyes of your parents. That was a selfish, childish, and impulsive move on her part that I'm sure she regrets, but the only way to be sure it never happens again is to never share anything of a personal nature with her. At least that's how I would handle it if it were my sibling.
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Old 11-23-2009, 04:06 PM
 
Location: The cupboard under the sink
3,867 posts, read 7,128,958 times
Reputation: 7407
thanks, yeah, i don't think she realised how messed up she was, i think she thought she'd dealt with it all, but really she's just kinda moved on and tried to forget it.
that came back and bit her in the ass !!

she's doing well, we've both learned lessons. we've learned a lot about each other, and we've both learned stuff about ourselves.

she's getting counselling at work, through her doctor, and also through the DV centre, so fingers crossed !!

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post

On another note - be sure your girl deals with all the PTSD BEFORE you marry her - trust me, you don't want to go there and potentially have kids with her if this whole thing from her past has not been dealt with.
pretty much everyone says the same thing, which is cool, it's pretty much what i was thinking anyway.
after being in a marriage with an abusive wife, it was a fairly big step for me to trust someone enough to open up to them.
i hoped i could trust family, but never mind !!



thanks for taking the time to respond, everyone.
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Old 11-23-2009, 04:48 PM
 
Location: Michaux State Forest
1,276 posts, read 2,871,091 times
Reputation: 1414
Ever hear the expression "once bitten, twice shy"? There's a lot of truth to the oldtimer's sayings, I'd make a note of her transgression, tell her how displeased you were, forgive her after you talk to her, and then be very careful with what ever you choose to tell her in the future. You now know she can't be trusted to keep your confidence so just be very careful and realise that what you tell her may very well end up being heard by others. Good luck!
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Old 11-23-2009, 04:51 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 21,755,711 times
Reputation: 23996
Yep! I agree with all the above advice.
Think twice before you tell her anymore secrets!
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Old 11-23-2009, 05:30 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,359,346 times
Reputation: 11309
No way , she shared something pentagon worthy with enemies of the state, aka mom and dad from the KGB
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