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Old 12-16-2009, 03:48 PM
 
7 posts, read 38,775 times
Reputation: 16

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Hi guys - a little bit about myself and my dad. I was very young when my father has started his own business. He is a type of a guy who doesn't believe in 9to5 jobs, and likes business meetings, hotels, nice cars and clothes. He's been divorced twice until now - and had lots of ups and downs in his life, probably re-started his own life 3-4 times from scratch.

These happened mainly from making bad decisions, business decisions, even lost 1 house - cheated on my mum, etc.

Anyways my problem is that when last time re-started his business again I've helped him a lot. It was good for me to learn about the particular business but also have helped him a lot. In return he paid me my rent and pocket money, and bought me some clothes. Eventually he met his 2nd wife (currently divorced from her) and things started to go really wrong form that point.

All the attention went to her, (in addition, she had 2 boys) - which he was really loving and helping. Every time there was a problem, I was to be blamed. Which was really hurting, my own dad never stuck up for me, knowing that we all lived in HER HOUSE -at the time.

Since then I moved on, years past, his business went down and I moved to a different country. I'm in my 30s now, married and been blessed with a lovely gorgeous daughter.

Since I moved (which is about 5 years), I'm constantly been put under pressure from my father. Every time I would contact him to ask him how is he, how is he doing, he would always say oppps I'm not doing well, I've got this much depth, etc. Can you lend me some money?!
Obviously having my own family now - this can't be happening, and as far as I feel this is wrong!! Isn't it?? PArents should not ask for money from their children.

This has happened many times, and realizing that he is always want to ask for some money. I have given a few times, but it's just so annoying seeing your own dad driving a nice car, buying expensive clothes and oding his normal business trips, but when I see him he would ask me for money. grrr.

This got to the point, where I don't even want to see him or ask him, as I feel that I would be asked the same question. I feel numb, not sure what I feel but sometimes I'm thinking it would be so lovely to have a normal dad. But no- he woudln't call me to see how am I doing - or how is my little daughter doing... no and worse bit, is that if I'm not contacting him..after a while eventually I would phone him - to see what's up with him - but he woudl burst in anger - and would tell me off - why I'm not calling him, I have totally forgot him, etc. all of that. (but basically he's doing the same thing.. not contacting, not calling me - his son his grand child, etc.)

I don't know what to do, I'm soooo tired of this. Sometimes I wonder it would be better to do the same thing as in 'Pretty woman' movie - Richard Gere (has not spoken with his father many years - and then he died without knowing about it). that would hurt me a lot I think but deep inside I love him, but I'm also so so angry with him. I would love to see him happy, and knowing that his business is going well, and has enough money to support himself, but unlucky on our relationship - his business always goes busted, sometimes he's well of for a few months, max 1 year (then he's flying to south africa, cuba, etc.) - he's just can't save up , his life is a constant battle with money, filling gaps from one to the other, paying money back which was borrowed from friends, banks,etc.

He is really really bad with finances. Seriously, my initial feeling is that even if I would give him some money - that would last him days, than it's in trouble again... and of course for me, the money he's asking for it's a lot!! needing to support my own family ,etc.

HELP Guys -what do yo think?? Am I a bad child, should I show respect and contact him every 2-3 days, should I borrow him money??

help guys, any suggestions would be most welcomed! cheers,
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Old 12-16-2009, 03:58 PM
 
187 posts, read 566,089 times
Reputation: 109
what comes first in your life??????right answer: YOUR DAUGHTER!!!and you need the money for her,because she comes first and your familly,not your father.You are not a bad child,you are a great child and you made your duty.Your father needs to grow up,be responsable for his own life and finances.Helping him will not change everything.You should not accept his anger,his stupidity and his emotional outbreaks.If necessary,finish the relation with him.I am european and we have great familly values and familly is very importante for us.But such a father does not deserve to be called a father and you should not allow him any more to emotionally blackmail you!!!!No borrow him any penny!None!!Your need every penny for your daughter,she comes first,he should come on his feet back!!And have no bad conscious because you are not the bad guy,he is.Stop immediatelly this blackmailing and be there for your wife and child and not for such a parent!!who does not deserve to be called a parent,after treating foreign children better then you!!he shoudl go to them to borrow money.Sorry but you should not allow him such a behaviour and if he is getting worse,to teh hell with him!!!!
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Old 12-16-2009, 04:00 PM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,467,321 times
Reputation: 29071
One question! How does it feel to be used?

He reminds me of my children's mother. They're all adults and the only time she has any contact with then is when she needs money. It took awhile but they tired of it and all five have pretty much written her off. None of them want anything to do with her. They've been burned too often.
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Old 12-16-2009, 04:14 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,020 posts, read 25,549,557 times
Reputation: 11309
Any parent who asks children for money is a bad parent.

Any child who does not bother to help a suffering parent is a terrible offspring.

These two rules delicately weave into one another. And those who adhere to these two will have great relationships, where understanding is mutual.
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Old 12-16-2009, 04:30 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,225 posts, read 22,595,690 times
Reputation: 24023
Quote:
Originally Posted by sonForHope View Post

This has happened many times, and realizing that he is always want to ask for some money. I have given a few times, but it's just so annoying seeing your own dad driving a nice car, buying expensive clothes and oding his normal business trips, but when I see him he would ask me for money. grrr.

This would be enough for me. If he can afford to drive a nice car, and expensive clothes, then he does not need to be asking for anything. He needs to start selling some crap.
I have an ex kinda like this. He tells me he is broke, and cannot afford to pay child support, but yet, he is buying the kid a new toy every weekend, and taking him to Red Lobster!

You need to tell him that you love him, but you can no longer support him.
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Old 12-16-2009, 04:44 PM
 
Location: NYC
7,370 posts, read 12,754,271 times
Reputation: 10319
Your father is who he is. You know who he is, I can see it in your opening post. He's not a horrible person, but he does have flaws. None of us are entitled to having perfect parents.

Even though now that it is a money issue, you need to just remember who he is as a person and a father. The question, "should a parent borrow money from a child" is irrelevant for you, you know the type of guy he is.

When he asks you for money just answer, "No, I can't loan you any money" and that's it. If pressed, "I'm all tied up with my own family obligations."

I guess my point is, you can set up a boundary without hating him. He is who he is.
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Old 12-16-2009, 05:05 PM
 
7 posts, read 38,775 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Onglet39 View Post
Your father is who he is. You know who he is, I can see it in your opening post. He's not a horrible person, but he does have flaws. None of us are entitled to having perfect parents.
yes you are right - he is not a horrible person, just v. bad with his finances.
But this affects my relation with him, ultimately if I'm upset, my wife will be and my child. So it's all going in a circle, and to be v. hones here, I've recognized this negative effect on me earlier in my life, and that was the main reason I moved out from that city and country.

If I would be still living with him in the same city, he would be asking me almost every other day to do something for him. Helping him, helping him and again helping him. That's what I feel when I think about him....

And of course being a child (although I'm 32) - you would like to help your father or mum if they asking your help. But this is rather different. Almost like a boss / employee relationship - he would expect my help in relation to his business, etc.

Anyways - it's hard, because I would like to love him - but just want a normal (proper I guess) father / son relationship. Where I can go with him into a pub, and have a chat about stuff...

When we go for a coffee (not for a drink - as he doesn't really drink,etc.) first question of his, would be ...now tell me, what's your earnings these days?? how much money you're making??
And next thing would be, him to tell me how bad his finances...and if I could help him out...

We meet rarely, we talk rarely...but still thinking in myself, is that right?? am I the bad guy here... would I need to do something to change this relationship?? and if yes, WHAT should I do??!
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Old 12-16-2009, 05:05 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,507,295 times
Reputation: 39856
Quote:
Originally Posted by sonForHope View Post
Hi guys - a little bit about myself and my dad. I was very young when my father has started his own business. He is a type of a guy who doesn't believe in 9to5 jobs, and likes business meetings, hotels, nice cars and clothes. He's been divorced twice until now - and had lots of ups and downs in his life, probably re-started his own life 3-4 times from scratch.

These happened mainly from making bad decisions, business decisions, even lost 1 house - cheated on my mum, etc.

Anyways my problem is that when last time re-started his business again I've helped him a lot. It was good for me to learn about the particular business but also have helped him a lot. In return he paid me my rent and pocket money, and bought me some clothes. Eventually he met his 2nd wife (currently divorced from her) and things started to go really wrong form that point.

All the attention went to her, (in addition, she had 2 boys) - which he was really loving and helping. Every time there was a problem, I was to be blamed. Which was really hurting, my own dad never stuck up for me, knowing that we all lived in HER HOUSE -at the time.

Since then I moved on, years past, his business went down and I moved to a different country. I'm in my 30s now, married and been blessed with a lovely gorgeous daughter.

Since I moved (which is about 5 years), I'm constantly been put under pressure from my father. Every time I would contact him to ask him how is he, how is he doing, he would always say oppps I'm not doing well, I've got this much depth, etc. Can you lend me some money?!
Obviously having my own family now - this can't be happening, and as far as I feel this is wrong!! Isn't it?? PArents should not ask for money from their children.

This has happened many times, and realizing that he is always want to ask for some money. I have given a few times, but it's just so annoying seeing your own dad driving a nice car, buying expensive clothes and oding his normal business trips, but when I see him he would ask me for money. grrr.

This got to the point, where I don't even want to see him or ask him, as I feel that I would be asked the same question. I feel numb, not sure what I feel but sometimes I'm thinking it would be so lovely to have a normal dad. But no- he woudln't call me to see how am I doing - or how is my little daughter doing... no and worse bit, is that if I'm not contacting him..after a while eventually I would phone him - to see what's up with him - but he woudl burst in anger - and would tell me off - why I'm not calling him, I have totally forgot him, etc. all of that. (but basically he's doing the same thing.. not contacting, not calling me - his son his grand child, etc.)

I don't know what to do, I'm soooo tired of this. Sometimes I wonder it would be better to do the same thing as in 'Pretty woman' movie - Richard Gere (has not spoken with his father many years - and then he died without knowing about it). that would hurt me a lot I think but deep inside I love him, but I'm also so so angry with him. I would love to see him happy, and knowing that his business is going well, and has enough money to support himself, but unlucky on our relationship - his business always goes busted, sometimes he's well of for a few months, max 1 year (then he's flying to south africa, cuba, etc.) - he's just can't save up , his life is a constant battle with money, filling gaps from one to the other, paying money back which was borrowed from friends, banks,etc.

He is really really bad with finances. Seriously, my initial feeling is that even if I would give him some money - that would last him days, than it's in trouble again... and of course for me, the money he's asking for it's a lot!! needing to support my own family ,etc.

HELP Guys -what do yo think?? Am I a bad child, should I show respect and contact him every 2-3 days, should I borrow him money??

help guys, any suggestions would be most welcomed! cheers,
You already know what the right thing to do is - so follow your gut instincts.

With people like this you have to have firm boundries. Love him, sure, but recognize him for what he is - a user who is so wrapped up in himself he can't spare a second to think of anyone else.

These kinds of people can also be master manipulators - DO NOT let him guilt you into giving him money - you ARE NOT a bad son for not doing so.

Read that again.

You have your own family to protect and take care of now, put your energies there
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Old 12-16-2009, 05:09 PM
 
Location: 2nd state in the union...
2,382 posts, read 4,058,572 times
Reputation: 1599
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
You already know what the right thing to do is - so follow your gut instincts.

With people like this you have to have firm boundries. Love him, sure, but recognize him for what he is - a user who is so wrapped up in himself he can't spare a second to think of anyone else.

These kinds of people can also be master manipulators - DO NOT let him guilt you into giving him money - you ARE NOT a bad son for not doing so.

Read that again.

You have your own family to protect and take care of now, put your energies there
LM...get outta my head

I couldn't have said it better myself!

OP...you need to somehow set boundaries with your dad otherwise it's going to become a vicious circle.

Good luck and keep your chin up!
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Old 12-16-2009, 05:14 PM
 
7 posts, read 38,775 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
You already know what the right thing to do is - so follow your gut instincts.

With people like this you have to have firm boundries. Love him, sure, but recognize him for what he is - a user who is so wrapped up in himself he can't spare a second to think of anyone else.

These kinds of people can also be master manipulators - DO NOT let him guilt you into giving him money - you ARE NOT a bad son for not doing so.

Read that again.

You have your own family to protect and take care of now, put your energies there
yes - I think you're right, he is a manipulator and he's constantly emotionally blackmailing me. My wife spotted out this earlier in our relationship probably 7-8 years ago, but this is something so difficult. I even considered going to a physiologist.

How do you setup these bounderies?? How can you reduce - or stop emotionally blackmailing?!
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