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In the grand scheme of things, this is a small problem but it is still a problem I think about a lot. First to give some background, my family is large (I'm the eldest of 8 kids) and we are close. But I have a problem with one of my sisters and I'm not sure what the problem is. We used to call each other all the time and in times of trouble, generally, I am the person that all my siblings turn to.
My "problem" sister is 6 years younger than I am (early 40s). In our family we tend to take a story and embroider it way out into the realm of absurdity for a laugh. Example: when it seemed like a lot of people we knew developed brain tumours, in a black humour, coping sort of way, my sister suggested that the common denominator was clearly the local cheese. To which we all laughed.
But to me it seems that more and more she is believing her absurdities, to the point where she sounds paranoid at times, if not downright crazy.
For the last four or five years, I've called her very seldom due to her suddenly, out of all proportion, unpredictably, throwing out accusations over minor comments that I'm pretty sure she knows aren't true. If there is some sort of trouble that anyone is having, she will immediately attribute the lowest possible motive to that person, even if everything else about that person would point in another direction.
She's accused me, for example, of calling her only when I "want" something. I can't recall ever calling her because I wanted anything - in fact the situation is usually the reverse, that when she calls me, she wants something. If I ask her in a non-threatening sort of way to please give me an example, she either hangs up the phone or claims to be far too busy to explain it to me, or says, "you know," in a snidely superior sort of tone.
Her most recent meltdown, as I have come to think of it, was two weeks ago, during a 'normal' conversation over nothing at all, when she accused me of having referred in the summer to our brother's partner as a stepmother. My brother's partner is a stepmother, just as our brother is a stepfather. She then told me that I was elevating the stepmother to the same position as my niece and nephew's biological mother.
I in no way believe that a stepparent takes precedence over the children's biological parent. I can't really understand the leap she's making or the accusation. Now my guess is that she decided to take issue with this word because my brother and his partner are not married. In actual fact it makes no difference whether you call it a pot or a kettle since they are minor children and the stepparent/partner is involved with them in a parent role when they are with my brother.
When I tried to explain, she hung up on me. And she doesn't even like the children's biological mother.
What am I not getting? And does anyone have any ideas as to how to approach someone like that? It has occurred to me that my sister is seriously depressed. She didn't use to be like this. But when I picture telling her that I think she is depressed and should look for counselling, all I can see is that she would decide to take that at it's worst meaning, and not give me the benefit of the doubt that I mean well for her, and am concerned about her.
It's not just me - she has been having these weird conversations with everyone in our family at various points.
And yes, I can just leave her out of my life. I would prefer not to but of course you can't make someone be nice if they prefer not to. I am not a meddler in her life and she's an adult. I guess I am simply not understanding at all what is going on, and have no idea anymore how to talk to her.
Perhaps everyone needs to sit her down and have an intervention of sorts. Coming from one person might mean nothing....but from everyone sometimes help people see they do need help.
sometimes no matter what you say, or try to say, people just flat out refuse to hear you.She is obviously SET in what she believes,so you may just have to accept her the way she is.
This started 4 or 5 years ago? Did you have any issues with her before this? Is it possible she is taking medication that may be causing a change in her personality?
Yeah I agree with Purehuman, unfortunately at this age she is set in her beliefs and its hard to change that. However, like Paganmama said, you can always have an intervention. Talk to your other relatives and see what they think, try to get all their opinions.
This started 4 or 5 years ago? Did you have any issues with her before this? Is it possible she is taking medication that may be causing a change in her personality?
It started more like ten years ago, after her last child was born. It is only that in the last 4 or 5 years, I've found it increasingly difficult to talk to her. It's not worth the stress factor since I actually agonize over it.
I do not believe she is taking any medication. For the first five years, I thought she might have postpartum depression. I thought she should take medication but she was so hostile and it seems as if she would sense where you might be heading (to suggest she see a doctor), and would cut off the conversation. For the last five years I've started to see her just as a mean person who might very likely be happy being mean, hard as that is to fathom.
I would think it was just me except that everyone in our family has been having these issues with her for the same length of time.
As far as an intervention goes, 1) I don't think there is anyone in my family who would want to put themselves through the hostility that would be sure to come. I might be willing to say something but I expect I'd lose any hope of ever having a relationship with her. Of course, I don't really have one now anyway, so I don't know that I would have lost anything.
Every time I have made up my mind to say something to her and have the whole script written in my head (be gentle, be kind, be firm and don't let her wiggle out of the conversation), I don't get past the first sentence before she's flipped out about something and hung up on me.
I've also heard her talking to her husband and children in a way she would never have done in the past. And that really hurts me. She's not just hurting herself. Much as I hate to say this, if I was her husband, I could simply not take it one more day.
It started more like ten years ago, after her last child was born. It is only that in the last 4 or 5 years, I've found it increasingly difficult to talk to her. It's not worth the stress factor since I actually agonize over it.
I do not believe she is taking any medication. For the first five years, I thought she might have postpartum depression. I thought she should take medication but she was so hostile and it seems as if she would sense where you might be heading (to suggest she see a doctor), and would cut off the conversation. For the last five years I've started to see her just as a mean person who might very likely be happy being mean, hard as that is to fathom.
I would think it was just me except that everyone in our family has been having these issues with her for the same length of time.
As far as an intervention goes, 1) I don't think there is anyone in my family who would want to put themselves through the hostility that would be sure to come. I might be willing to say something but I expect I'd lose any hope of ever having a relationship with her. Of course, I don't really have one now anyway, so I don't know that I would have lost anything.
Every time I have made up my mind to say something to her and have the whole script written in my head (be gentle, be kind, be firm and don't let her wiggle out of the conversation), I don't get past the first sentence before she's flipped out about something and hung up on me.
I've also heard her talking to her husband and children in a way she would never have done in the past. And that really hurts me. She's not just hurting herself. Much as I hate to say this, if I was her husband, I could simply not take it one more day.
Then you need to trap her where she can't get away. And as for your family sit them down and be serious with them...while they might not want the drama...tell them it's getting to the point that you don't even want to be around her anymore.
It started more like ten years ago, after her last child was born. It is only that in the last 4 or 5 years, I've found it increasingly difficult to talk to her. It's not worth the stress factor since I actually agonize over it.
I do not believe she is taking any medication. For the first five years, I thought she might have postpartum depression. I thought she should take medication but she was so hostile and it seems as if she would sense where you might be heading (to suggest she see a doctor), and would cut off the conversation. For the last five years I've started to see her just as a mean person who might very likely be happy being mean, hard as that is to fathom.
I would think it was just me except that everyone in our family has been having these issues with her for the same length of time.
As far as an intervention goes, 1) I don't think there is anyone in my family who would want to put themselves through the hostility that would be sure to come. I might be willing to say something but I expect I'd lose any hope of ever having a relationship with her. Of course, I don't really have one now anyway, so I don't know that I would have lost anything.
Every time I have made up my mind to say something to her and have the whole script written in my head (be gentle, be kind, be firm and don't let her wiggle out of the conversation), I don't get past the first sentence before she's flipped out about something and hung up on me.
I've also heard her talking to her husband and children in a way she would never have done in the past. And that really hurts me. She's not just hurting herself. Much as I hate to say this, if I was her husband, I could simply not take it one more day.
I feel for ya. I have a strained relationship with my sister myself but she has always been a negative and difficult person. Nothing new there. My family does not want to ever rock the boat with her either because it is never a civil conversation and usually ends up being a major war. Sometimes its best just to avoid and know that there are people you can not change.
She's in her 40s. Maybe it's time for you to accept that we are all shaped by our experiences, and she has probably seen or learned something in her life that has affected the way she sees things. You will not be able to change her.
Also, I think an "intervention" would be nothing short of a disaster. Your sister will most likely feel like your family is ganging up on her, which would only alienate her and make her feel justified in her paranoia about you. Also, in a family as large as yours, the possible outcomes include people taking sides and people getting annoyed at you for trying to drag them into what they see as an issue that is solely between you and your sister. Adults work out their disputes with each other, without "family court."
Interventions are for people whose lives are in imminent danger because of an addiction to drugs or alcohol, or because they have a self-destructive behavioral illness like anorexia, not to try to change someone's personality or general outlook on the world and people within it. If you can't accept your sister as she is, then you really have no choice but to accept that you can only take her in small doses, and limit your contact accordingly.
Contrary to what some might say, you are not your sister's keeper. She is in her 40s, not 13.
I would be concerned about her mental health. Paranoia like this is often associated with some forms of mental illness.
Does she have a husband you could speak to privately about your concerns over her behavior?
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