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O.k. this may get long, but I really need some opinions. I hope I posted this in the right forum.
My husband and I and our 3 children are moving in about 5 weeks from Illinois to Florida.
I am having some problems with my Mom, because of the move.
My mom and I have a Very complicated relationship. Where do I begin?
First, a little bit of history....
I am the baby of the family, I have 3 older sisters and 2 brothers, but I am not close to any of them except one sister. Long story, but my family is Very dysfunctional, and I have a different Dad. My Dad ended up being a scoundrel and leaving us so she raised my alone.
She remarried when I was 14 to my stepdad who has some mental disabilities and she is not very happy. LOL, she says she is his "caretaker"! Says she never should have married him etc. She has been unhappy for many years, my oldest sister tells me that she was like that when she was married to their Dad also.
Anyway, in the last several years, its like she has started to depend on me and my children for her happiness in life.
I know some of that is normal, because she loves my children alot, but I really feel like she is almost co-dependant on us. I just feel like she is sucking us dry, and I cant ever really make her happy.
When we come to her house to visit, right now we live about 12 miles away, she never wants us to go home, and wants us to spend the night with her etc.
She just acts very childish at times.
I am married now and have a home to take care of and 3 small children and I have to go home eventually lol.
I guess I feel like its time for us to move on. I think it will be better in the long run for her and for us.
There have been times when we were younger that she has offered to give us some money financially, and we needed the help, but afterwards, she would always hold it over our heads later.
I feel obligatedto do whatever she wants, because of the times that she has helped us in the past.
I guess I feel like a puppet on strings, and she has the strings....
I love her dearly, and I have always took what she said to heart, but I feel like its time for us to break away now.
She is 69 years old and I know she is worried about getting older, even though she is in great health.
When I first told her that we were planning to move, she was happy, because she said that she hated the winters up here and would come down to stay with us during the winters. I was so Glad that she o.k. with everything.
But now that we only have 5 weeks left, she is really getting upset, and we have fought for 2 days in a row now.
I guess I am wondering what you all would do in this situation? she sometimes makes me second guess myself. I feel in my heart that moving away is the right thing to do, but after fighting with her over it, I wonder if I am being selfish?
You can be there if your mother needs you but you don't have to live your life for her. You are not leaving her entirely alone as she has your siblings nearby (I'm assuming). She's experiencing empty nest syndrome, a feeling I know well, and does also fear for her old age.
Reassure her you're not shutting her out of your life and your love in any way. Let her come visit and should she want to relocate to be near you, find her an apartment.
I can TOTALLY relate!!! My mother is exactly the same way. We just moved a few months ago, after living within a maximum of 45 miles of my parents my whole life. Essentially, we were her social life. When we told her we were moving across the country, she threw a fit and said we were doing it to get away from her - which was partly true. What she had a hard time understanding - and still does - is that we weren't trying to break the relationship, but to change the relationship. She still hasn't quite gotten it worked out - We do talk now, but she says that they (mom and dad) won't come visit us, that if we want to see them we have to go to them.
DO IT
I struggled for MONTHS with exactly that thing. My parents are in their upper 60's as well, and that added to my "guilt" about moving away, since we were the last family they had in the area. But it has gotten VERY old being the only ones in the family who do stay behind. Is there anyone in your family who supports your move? For me, it was so helpful to have my daughter keep reminding me that I'd already lived 41 years of my life for my mom, that it was way past time to live it for myself. And if not, I'll be your encouragement!! I finally reached a point where I still felt bad, but determined to go ahead and make the move - it just seemed too right not to do it. And since we've moved, that has been proven to me in more ways than one that it was the right thing to do.
There are plusses to being around family to raise kids. I know I did it. I was very close to my dad and didn't only want to see him for a total of a few hours in his old age before he died. It was a wonderful time for all of us and a good grounding for my kids.
It doesn't sound as if this is the case in your family situation. What you bring them up around becomes part of them for the bad or the good.
Good advice from everyone..Sometimes loneliness can cause a person to do and say things that indeed sound childish or mean. Sometimes you just have to assume the roll of parent instead of child. You might write her a letter or take her to lunch and have a conversation something like this. "Mom, I love you dearly, but now I have my family and a responsibility to them. You also still have a responsibility to me, but it is a different kind now. You are my childrens grandmother, you are my husbands mother in law.I expect you to assume that position with all the love and dignity that you gave me growing up. I will always value your advice, only now I will ask for it when I need it.
The fact of the matter is... you have your own family now. THEY are your number one responsibility. I understand that your mom is unhappy, but she is responsible for her life, and her happiness, NOT you. You must put your husband and children first. She needs to understand that. If your mom makes you feel that you must stay close to her geographically in order for her to be happy with life, that is wrong, and it needs to be dealt with. I am sorry you are going through this hunnie. However, my family is very dysfunctional, and I am very close to my mom, but she never makes me feel emotionally responsible for her happiness in life. The choices we make, dicate the lives that we lead. If we choose to be happy, we can be. We must take responsibility for our own emotions, and lives. If one depends on others to make them happy, they will never be truely whole.
It's not selfish to want a life of your own. Has anyone ever confronted her on this issue and asked her to get some help? Possibly for depression?
Seems like a lot of women after they have children (my mother always had husband issues) have some chemical or hormonal imbalance. My mother actually has a mood disorder, but my sister in law was diagnosed with something not long ago (might have been depression). One of my best friends went through pretty bad depression after her last child which is now 7 years old and she has been on meds for quite awhile. I myself think I have been a little depressed since my child, which is why I haven't taken everything I feel to be completely real. If I had I would be divorced by now
WOW Thank you for all your replies! You all have some amazing advice and I am glad I posted here!
Ellemaew, I need that encouragement!
What you said about your daughter reminding you that you already lived 41 years trying to make your Mom happy, really hit home for me.
I am 31,(today happens to be my birthday, lol) and I feel like I need to go ahead and move NOW, instead of waiting just because it will make her happy.
But everytime she talks about how much she will miss our kids, it makes me so sad and guilty.
Not to start another novel, but since we are on the subject....
There is another reason why I feel its best for us to move.
Ever since I was a child, I have always felt like I could never be honest with my Mom...
I don't know how it got started, but I felt like I was always scared to death to tell her anything. Like if I did not do well on myschool work, I would hide my report card from her etc.
I DO remember her yelling and screaming a lot and there was quite a bit of emotional abuse. She would tell me that I was never going to amount to anything when I grew up. That's one that I wont ever forget.
Also told me once that she wished that I would go live with my Dad, because then she would have more freedom....
That hurt me terribly, for one thing I did miss my Dad, but also, not to start another issue, but he molested me when I was 3 years old... (one of the many reasons why they got a divorce)
She was always very hot-headed and was ALWAYS in control...
So, now that I am an adult, I still feel like I cannot even be truthful with her about the most silliest of things. Like when my husband bought me my laptop. I have never told my mom that I have a new computer. I know, this is totally dumb, and my husband does not understand it either. I guess I don't either, except that when I have told her things, she gets angry with me and always tells me what I have done wrong.
I feel like I cannot really be myself around her, like she doesn't really even know the Real me, but am too scared to tell her this. I know I totally need therapy, LOL!
I do remember my Mom taking me when I was about 13 to a therapist and I got to go about 3 or 4 times, but only because those sessions were free. I remember they told my mom that she was going to have to pay for the other sessions, and so she quit taking me.... I remember her calling them on the phone and telling them that I did not need to go anymore.
When in fact, I needed it desperately...
Ahh, sorry for the novel again! All this upset over me moving away has just really brought up some problems with me and my Mom....
Thanks again for listening.
WOW Thank you for all your replies! You all have some amazing advice and I am glad I posted here!
Ellemaew, I need that encouragement!
What you said about your daughter reminding you that you already lived 41 years trying to make your Mom happy, really hit home for me.
I am 31,(today happens to be my birthday, lol) and I feel like I need to go ahead and move NOW, instead of waiting just because it will make her happy.
But everytime she talks about how much she will miss our kids, it makes me so sad and guilty.
I just read your next post--'Go'. You need to clear out some 'cobwebs'.
Make some happy memories with your own family. 'Can't change the past' and so on and so forth...
sls
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Says she never should have married him etc. She has been unhappy for many years, my oldest sister tells me that she was like that when she was married to their Dad also.
O.k. I have another issue...
