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Old 03-01-2010, 02:05 PM
 
Location: West Coast of Europe
25,956 posts, read 24,675,783 times
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Reproduce!
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Old 03-15-2010, 08:10 PM
 
47 posts, read 66,896 times
Reputation: 89
Hi everyone, thanks for the replies. I know my post was wordy (partly because I'm a writer by nature) so I appreciate everyone taking the time to read the details.

I think that findinghope, 20yearsinBranson, jacktavern, and Coolhand68 truly understand my situation. I disagree with the poster who commented that it's not normal for someone in their 30's to experience homesickness. Sure, family members may have to live far apart for a while because of work or other commitments, but it seems to me that in the long run close families stay geographically close if at all possible. I think what's happening in my case..as I explained in my OP, that my host state still does not feel like home after 4 years, and I'm worried that it never will. They say you should give it 2 years before deciding whether you like living in a place or not, and..it's been over 2 years here. I might as well add that I grew up in Massachusetts and we now live in New Hampshire...that may explain a LOT to anyone who knows what it's like to be a transplant in either state. I've heard a number of people say that New Hampshire sucks when it comes to new transplants building a good social life. But, we came here for jobs, which is an honorable enough reason....


The poster who asked if we could try getting involved in the community- we have tried activities here and there, such as classic car shows, yoga classes, and personal growth events, but so far those have not made any difference....the friends we've met so far have been ones we've met through work and online. We are not into religion and it wouldn't be fair to anyone to feign interest in an activity just for the sake of meeting people. And as I mentioned, a few former coworkers left the area just as we were getting to know them, and that's not our fault...

moonlitwishes- I don't have anxiety attacks anymore, that was only during the initial re-adjustment phase when we moved to the States, and that was perfectly understandable. Anyone who has been through an international move will tell you that it takes approximately half the time you spent abroad, to get over the upheaval and re-adjust to life in the home country, and the therapist I saw at the time concluded that part of it was delayed grief over losing my mother. But I might also add that depression runs in the family and I have been diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder, so changes that other people might take in stride tend to really shake me up, but the condition is partially genetic, so there's not much I can do to completely "cure" it.

I have considered going to therapy again, but I think s/he would just tell me what I already know: that my husband and I are the only ones who can decide what's best for us.

I actually don't feel that we "fell for" anything when we bought our house. We both grew up in large, single-family houses and agree that home ownership rules. We both agree that we are not suited to condo living. We had been renting a tiny 1-bedroom apartment which was too cramped, and we hated renting. When we thought about our options (rent a bigger apartment, rent a house), my father and one of my brothers urged us to buy a house. While renting, we paid through the roof in federal taxes because our income level was well over the national median and we had hardly any deductions. Imagine how bitter we felt to pay a lot more in taxes here in tax-free New Hampshire than we ever did living in socialist Europe! Now that we are homeowners, we are getting generous tax refunds, so buying the house has definitely started to pay off already, but it doesn't mean that I can't feel disillusioned and disappointed because it has not made it easier for my family to visit. I can't turn my feelings on and off like a switch and it takes a long time to accept certain things.

Stinatado- I think you may have mixed up my OP with content in a reply, because unless you were replying to someone else, you mentioned that my husband and son should be my priority...but we don't have any kids.

We DO go to visit my family often. Contacting them isn't a problem...of course everyone has email, cell phones, etc. but as one poster said there is NOTHING that can take the place of a warm hug and just being there in person and enjoying loved ones' company. I am simply bewildered and overwhelmed by the realization that after enduring the upheaval of repatriating, my husband and I are STILL the ones bending over backwards to visit everyone. How could I have anticipated that I'd have to ask everyone "how close should we live to you so that you'd stop by for a visit often?"


Montanaguy- at 40 one of my older brothers gave up a secure lifestyle and moved his wife and daughter 9 hours closer to dad and siblings because he was homesick...and my younger brother who is 28, the one who lives rent-free in the family homestead, has never been away from home for more than a week and a half......now considering that men are usually socialized to be tough, adventurous and independent, I hope that comparison sheds some fresh perspective on your opinion about my sentiments. Family is family and a support system is a support system, whether it's parents, siblings, grandparents, children, cousins, etc.

CESpeed: I can see why you'd conclude that maybe I feel like I'm obligated to want to be closer to family because most of our acquaintances and coworkers are, but no, actually, my homesickness is genuine. Like I said, my mother drilled into my head while I was growing up that you are a loser if you don't move at least a couple of hours from the nest, so I drove myself to achieve that...but now that I see all of my siblings living close to the nest and nobody calling them losers....I am now re-assessing that mentality and wondering why I'm driving myself to achieve something that I really don't want and that isn't necessary.


20yearsinBranson: I think it is VERY interesting that you bring up the topic of moving back to the family homestead to "reclaim" my territory. I think you may have hit the nail right on the head concerning the core issue. The way things are right now, when my mom died she left everything to my dad, so at this point the will is unchanged. My younger brother and I have equal shares of the majority of the estate, and I think you are right that I am worried about being driven out because I am not there enough, regardless of what the will guarantees. As it is now, my younger brother lives alone, rent-free in the house, on a hand-shake deal with my dad, and there isn't even any tenant paperwork. My dad lets my brother make a lot of the decisions about the house, including giving me the right to take an heirloom table my mom had bought for me a long time ago, and bring it to our new house in NH. Another example is that the house is undergoing renovations that were started many years ago before mom died. My husband and I eagerly offered to help, but my dad turned down the help, insisting that he wanted to do the work himself, after retirement. Now, he is retired, and spends most of his time renovating his girlfriend's house, and when major progress was recently made on the family homestead renovations, I was surprised and confused to learn from my dad that my brother had done all of the work "since he's the one who lives there"...and my dad "didn't get around to it"...So right then and there I expressed my concern that I was going to be later penalized in some way for not being there and my father assured me that no....it will not affect his sense of respect for me nor my share of the inheritance....but I'm still worried. The house is no more my brother's than it is mine, but my brother acts as if otherwise.
Yes, maybe what I really need is a lawyer, not a therapist.....
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