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This is the process of growing up! You are so doing the right thing I can't even tell ya! I was set free from family bullsht when I systematically went through my memories and ferreted out the abusive, subjective, and just plain WRONG nuggets of wisdom my family had given me directly and indirectly. Your step-dad has been telling you your worth as well through his actions. You have to decided if you want to accept his judgment or reject it. I wonder what would happen if you told him how rude and abusive it is to slam about like a child having a tantrum day in and day out? Shame you have to live there or it could be a great experiment to get in his head.
Exactly. That's something I going to start doing. There's so much history with my mom, I always think about us as mom and daughter. We used to be so close. I have to reality-check myself and realize we're not that kid and mom anymore. I need to start thinking of us as not related. Just as two very different kinds of adults. I'll be able to put her behavior into much better perspective that way, I think.
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Now take what they have told you and see how much matches up to reality. The rest you can regard as crap. If they are dangerously full of crap when guiding you then back up. Learn to emotionally back up and take them out of a position of authority and admiration and trust. It's a long process but soooo valuable. My mother was and is exactly like this and it took years of hard work to get that emotional distance and accept the horribly damaged and flawed person she is. However, once I did that our relationship improved dramatically. Of course, you may not be able to tolerate their crap in the future. Bottom line you are doing the right thing. Keep it up!!!!
Wow, I love what you just said here. Looking at it from that point of view... again... wow. Taking away all emotional attachments and assuming these are just a man and woman off the street.... I see a woman, who at some point in the mid-90s, just decided she was done being a mom. When I was 16 or so. (Seriously... age 15 was the last year anyone gave a hoot about my birthday. Most of my sweet 16 presents were from my high school friend. Because I called her sobbing because my stepdad convinced my mom that I didn't really need any presents.)
That's not the only thing. She complained about my grades, but didn't care to help me with my homework or check that I was even getting it done. She didn't take into account how stressed I might've been from the move. It was like... after years of being a single mom, she was going to be a married chick, above anything else. I could feed myself and wipe my own butt, so who cares? lol
Anyway, thanks for the support you guys. And again, I love this post Ticatica. You really hit on something I could do to eliminate the B.S. and get real with the whole situation.
. . . But it's only six more months and I'm out of here for good. I'm just putting on tunnel vision in the meantime. It's hard when you love someone so much but you know they're not good for you. I have to accept that my mom is a woman who put a man in front of her kid. A jerk, no less. That's very hard to think about. But it's the truth.
I read this quote recently, but don't know who its from:
"Treat others as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being."
I want to recommend something to you. Not because I am being critical of you in any way, but because you have such resentment and yet you still love your mom, I suggest you watch the movie "Precious"...you should then feel a bit less frustrated with your own situation. I really hope you watch that movie.
I remember something my mother (who I had my own issues with while she was alive, believe me) used to tell me and it has always stayed with me. She said: "I cried because I had no shoes, till I met a man who had no feet."
Congratulations on moving on and getting your life together. Sometimes parents aren't what they are supposed to be. If you are happy with what you are doing, that's all that matters. If you decide you want to go to college, more power to you - a lot of people are going back these days.
As a side note - and this is not meant to be harsh - I don't think you can blame your bad grades on moving. Your home life, sure. And I'm sure there are other factors to consider. But I moved frequently as a kid and changed schools often - always for my dad's job - so we didn't have the luxury of the option of deciding when to move. It was always during the school year. I don't find it inexcusable on your mom's part. Selfish, definitely. But not an insurmountable challenge. Just something to think about I guess.
Exactly. That's something I going to start doing. There's so much history with my mom, I always think about us as mom and daughter. We used to be so close. I have to reality-check myself and realize we're not that kid and mom anymore. I need to start thinking of us as not related. Just as two very different kinds of adults. I'll be able to put her behavior into much better perspective that way, I think.
Wow, I love what you just said here. Looking at it from that point of view... again... wow. Taking away all emotional attachments and assuming these are just a man and woman off the street.... I see a woman, who at some point in the mid-90s, just decided she was done being a mom. When I was 16 or so. (Seriously... age 15 was the last year anyone gave a hoot about my birthday. Most of my sweet 16 presents were from my high school friend. Because I called her sobbing because my stepdad convinced my mom that I didn't really need any presents.)
That's not the only thing. She complained about my grades, but didn't care to help me with my homework or check that I was even getting it done. She didn't take into account how stressed I might've been from the move. It was like... after years of being a single mom, she was going to be a married chick, above anything else. I could feed myself and wipe my own butt, so who cares? lol
Anyway, thanks for the support you guys. And again, I love this post Ticatica. You really hit on something I could do to eliminate the B.S. and get real with the whole situation.
I have read all of your posts and my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you've been treated so badly, but glad you are moving on. I think getting away from the toxic situation you are in will do you a world of good. Although no one can change the past, you are in charge of your future and you can make it into whatever you wish. Remember that! Best wishes.
Well, first of all I'm 30, single, no children, and have not been to college. A real winning profile in today's society, right?
There is nothing wrong with any of that. 30 is still young enough where alot of people still do not know what to do with their lives. Also, if you are concerned about not getting into college, try a junior college or a technical school. Their admission requirements are not very strict. If you did decide to go the college route, once you start making good grades based on all of your efforts in studying the subject matter, I think your self esteem will elevate based on you seeing postive results for your actions. Don't look for your family for validation or self worth (esteem) it ain't there and will never be there. Find out for yourself what you want to achieve in life and run with it, your success even if small to begin with will help you attain more self value.
I haven't spoken with my dad in weeks, and i am starting to resent my mom.
My situation is that I cannot cut ties now since i live in my mom's house and have no money to find a place of my own.
But in the end, it's our own well-being that counts foremost. life is way too short to feel down or unhappy. I guess, in honesty, that I am feeling a bit down since i looked on my work e-mail at home today and saw an off message. I guess with work, i feel one time I fly in the sky, and the next I'm at ground zero, so it pisses me off no end. I know the cause of this inconsistency, but i won't trust any professional to seek help for it. but i make myself happy by keeping myself amused and dreaming of a better future.
My situation is that I cannot cut ties now since i live in my mom's house and have no money to find a place of my own.
I think the key to emotional well-being is fairly simple:
- Don't take life too seriously
- Don't let slights affect you
- Be confident in all situations
- Do something everyday to make yourself happy
- Think of positive situations and try to see challenges as things to overcome, rather than run from.
You know, after reading a few more posts, I have to ask you a question. Are you helping with 1/3 of the bills at your mom's home? How about the family tasks like cooking meals 2-3 times per week, cleaning house, doing the laundry? Honestly, I was just wondering. Perhaps, just perhaps, if you're not helping out with a "measurable" amount of the household expenses, it would explain why they are still treating you like a child.
I want you to step back out of your shoes for a moment and into theirs. Don't just step into your mom's shoes, step into your step-dad's. The danger in trying to see things from your mom's perspective is that you may get a terribly wrong view of how she feels. You see, when you try to see things from your mom's point of view, you're going to want to apply guilt and a sense of "making things right for all of her shortcomings... implying that she FEELS guilt for not being a "better" mom. Believe me, I know...I've done it. I didn't have a perfect childhood either and it has taken years to burn that baggage and to stop expecting my mother to feel bad about many of the imperfections of the way she raised me.
As other posters have mentioned, it is important for you to look at your mom and step-dad as two Joe Blows off the street. The Blow family have no family "obligations" to you, but have simply opened their doors to a 30 year old woman, in order to allow her to save up a bit of money. Now, the Blows don't mind helping you out, but I'm sure they would appreciate you paying your "fair share" of the electric/WSG/rent/and part of the food expense as well. They would also see you as less of a child and more like a responsible room mate if you jumped in and took some of the load of the house and yard chores onto your own chores. To not do so, would be like a slap in the face to them.
I have grown children. Currently, 2 of them are living at home and attending college. They are adults. They are no longer children. If they want to be treated like fellow adults, I "expect" them to behave as such. This "adults living at home" dilemna is seen as a "new" thing that has happened to our society. That is just not true! Any of us who have done geneology research have found these things out. All you have to do is look at various censuses throughout the years to have the truth stare you right in the face. Many times, you will find multiple generations living at the same household. Why not? Division of labor, division of the household expenses....it's a wise thing to do in tough times. The important thing is this.....to be taken seriously as a fellow adult, children must be shouldering the upkeep and finacial responsibilities of the home....treating it as if it's thier own.
Honestly OP, if you start doing this, not only will it further prepare you for living on your own, but it will go a long, long way in changing how your parents see you. This advice isn't just for you, but I hope any other "grown children" reading this post will take it to heart. Forget the past. Oh God, please forget the past. Every time you think about it and dwell upon it, it brings you more pain. Treat your parents like a couple of folks who are sharing their home with you. Show them that you are an adult. Be polite and considerate. As working folks, I'm sure there are many things that they just can't get to, because they're tired after work. Remember, they are MUCH older than you are and don't have your youthful energy. Consider yard work and weeding to be a free gym membership....much needed exercise. Do the same with things like wall washing, cupboard cleaning,etc. Not only will it help you get into/stay in shape, but it will bring about a small sense of gratitude in the people who have opened their doors to you.
I don't know if you'll even read all of this, it's long....I know. I just want you to be happy...and if everyone in the house isn't happy, you won't be either.
You know what? You're 30. Who cares what your mother thinks? Who cares what your step-father thinks? Who cares what your biological father thinks?
Seriously. Comes a time in your life when you stop blaming your parents for the situation you're in. That is also the time you stop giving a dang what they or anyone else thinks of you. It is okay to recognize that they are miserable failures, themselves, and that, as you say, they are wrong. It is also okay to put them out of your life, either temporarily or permanently, if they bring you nothing but heartache.
Easy to do? Probably not--until you look at them objectively, and see how very much you don't need their nonsense. Unfortunately, you can't do that while you're still in the "woe is me" rut.
May I add that there comes a time in life where you see your mother as a woman just like you rather than a Mom who was supposed to do this and that for you and failed. I am not saying this for reasons other than the fact that the sooner you start working on letting go who (mom or any other family member) failed to do what and in what wasn't supposed to be done, the better for you. I do not have a similar story. My story is different and I shall not dwell on it, here. Just that I'd like to share that you will find that as you get older, you will find out that loving yourself enough to not let other's hurtful acts affect you too much is the most important thing.
I got a very raw deal when it comes to sisters. I have tarumatizing experience with the cruelty of oldest sister (15 years older). Havign goen through all that, my message to the OP is to love yourself, take care of yourself, don't let anyone convince you that your are a useless, incompetent, stupid, unlovable person. Though I didn't have issue with intelligence, I felt that I was unlovable and hence my sisters were like that only to understand out eventually that these people have issues to have to do what they did to me. .
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I do think, however, that you will start to get out of that rut the moment you cross the state line out of there. Once you start doing for yourself, your self-esteem and self-worth will kick in. All it takes is one small success, and then the ball starts rolling. Before you know it, you'll have faith in yourself and in your own judgment, and realize that no matter what anyone else says--your parents, your extended family, people you meet on your journey through life--you're capable of taking care of yourself, and you're all right in your own skin.
So, pack up, hit the road, and don't look back. Good luck to you. And if you need to know a few good restaurants in Milwaukee, DM me. It's a fun town.
Yeah, she should go to hometown if that is what her heart desires.
And she should definitely go to college, at least take some classes, not necessarily graduate if she can find good job but my guess is that in the future, a college degree worth having.
I want to recommend something to you. Not because I am being critical of you in any way, but because you have such resentment and yet you still love your mom, I suggest you watch the movie "Precious"...you should then feel a bit less frustrated with your own situation. I really hope you watch that movie.
I remember something my mother (who I had my own issues with while she was alive, believe me) used to tell me and it has always stayed with me. She said: "I cried because I had no shoes, till I met a man who had no feet."
You must've missed the Dr. Phil quote from one of my first posts.
Even if I only have a broken ankle, and the guy next to me is in a body cast.... that doesn't make my ankle hurt any less.
And if you read any of my first posting, you would've seen that I have said that to myself many many times. "Other people have it worse. Other people have it worse."
It doesn't help. I hurt. Dr. Phil is right. There's nothing to be gained by invalidating your own feelings. Besides, the people around me do that enough already.
But thanks for the suggestion.......
I am slowly but surely developing a self-esteem and nobody, including you, is going to tell me my feelings don't matter.
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When I was 16 or so. (Seriously... age 15 was the last year anyone gave a hoot about my birthday. Most of my sweet 16 presents were from my high school friend. Because I called her sobbing because my stepdad convinced my mom that I didn't really need any presents.) 
