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Old 03-23-2010, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Upper Midwest
1,877 posts, read 3,723,778 times
Reputation: 1884

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Well, first of all I'm 30, single, no children, and have not been to college. A real winning profile in today's society, right?

I am overweight (I was just a little chunky for a while, but now I'm willing to face it... I am overweight), definitely not unfortunate looking. In fact I'm told I'm pretty on a regular enough basis.

I grew up from birth to 14 with a single mom in apartments in our homestate of Wisconsin. We lived with her boyfriend/fiancee for a few years, then they broke up. They never made it to the altar. We lived alone again for about 4 years, just the two of us, until my mom met my stepfather, who is from Montana.

Well, she moves us out there, and it is just downhill from there. First of all, she agreed we'd stay through the school year after I cried and was devastated at moving. Then she changed her mind and moved us at Christmas break. To this day I believe that was inexcusable. So I was devastated a second time. The weather was awful that December, the old U-Haul broke down in the snow, she was only in her early '30s and had never driven such a rig. And she had a kid with her. I thought in the back of my mind that with age, I'd come to understand her decision better, but now that I'm older, I find her decision even more inexcusable. Hormones and desperation for immediate change were driving the decision. It was just irresponsible. It was 40 below zero and blizzard conditions.

Anyway, the early move may have been forgiveable in the future, if my stepfather had turned out to be ANY kind of a dad. He wasn't. At all. He was cordial at first, to be polite to my mom, but eventually just stopped talking to me altogether. If he had a problem with me, he would talk through my mom. My mom would come to me and say, "Bill (fake name) doesn't like it when you do this or that..." He'd give off vibes that just make you feel almost hated. He'd stomp around, shut doors and cabinets loudly, if he felt you were too much in his way... it's hard to explain. He's call me "*****" and say sarcastically "the genius needs to study"... taking a jab at my low/almost failing grades. (I was a straight A student before I moved. Looking back, it is clear as day that I was so stressed out. I was suddenly in a new environment, I didn't feel welcome in my own home... my NEW and UNFAMILIAR home... I felt I was now 2nd in my mom's life.... and it felt that way from age 14 up through the time I graduated at 18 and left the first time.)

Anyway, here I am 30, and ready to move back to my homestate. I tried at 18 to move directly back to Wisconsin, but obviously I was too young and irresponsible and it didn't work. I spent too much time staying out late and not enough time getting enough sleep and getting to work on time. You know how that goes at that age. So I came back to Montana and mom's with my tail between my legs. I lived with them a while longer, then moved out on my own. And I was on my own up until just last month.

Then I decided I want to move back to Wisconsin for good. (No coming back this time. I think at 30 I've figured out how to make it on my own. I actually clean now.)

We made a deal I could move in with my mom and stepdad again for six months before leaving so I could save some extra cash. I was weary, but it's a good idea. And they're willing to let me do it.

Anyway, the same old vibes have been kicking up again. Little has changed at all. That feeling of not being welcome here. I think my stepdad was so willing to let me move in, because he figures with more money in my pocket, I'll get up and out of here all the faster. He's never been comfortable around our family, either. He even said that when they married - "I'm marrying you, not them." (NICE, huh? ) My mom's previous fiancee.... he obviously had his faults since they broke up, but at least he liked our family and didn't have any problem hanging out with them.

I think he'll be overjoyed finally having my mom completely isolated out here all by herself with none of her family around. It's a subtle form of manipulation, but what can I do? I need to parent myself. She's a grown woman, she has to live her own life. I can see that what's going on with them is kind of sick, but... I need to think of myself now.

But anyway, I was getting ready to go somewhere yesterday thinking, "How did I survive those years? This living situation is so uncomfortable. Any teenager, already in an emotional time of life, would've been miserable."

My mom, from the time we got to Montana guilt-tripped me about my grades. We went to counseling. A couple different counselors. One counselor she was able to make her ally. The other counselor, she didn't convince. The counselor was mostly unbiased, but actually stood up for me. and entertained the notion that my mom actually should accept some responsibility for how things were going with me. Needless to say we never saw her again.

Mom always got excited about my grades before when I was younger. Then in 11th grade, I came home with my first grade A test in YEARS, literally. When I showed her she just went, "Yeahhhh, good...." (In a tone of voice as if to say, "Well, that's what you're supposed to do, duh. FINALLY.") I was so upset. It just took the wind out of my sails and I never tried again. I just went back to failing. That is the point where I needed her support. She should've been throwing a party over that grade. It was what I needed. But no.
We took that story to therapy. That had my mom yelling and defensive in the counselor's room. "That's just not me. I don't get excited over things like that!"
Bull****. I specifically remember her rooting me on when I was younger. It was almost as if she was punishing me and withholding praise until I morphed completely back into the person I used to be... even though everything had changed.

I also attracted a "best friend" in high school who got straight As and didn't need to study. (Kind of the same type of student I used to be, before the move.) She often jokingly called me stupid to lift herself up. She had her own self-esteem issues regarding horrible acne, but that's another story. So there was another assault on my overall self-esteem. I went from being considered universally a smart, sharp kid in Wisconsin to being made to feel like a stupid and unwelcome disappointment in Montana.

Needless to say my self-esteem has been in the toilet for years.
I'm afraid of college, because I'm afraid I won't even get accepted... never mind failing out. That's how bad it is. But I've never told anyone that. I've always just said I wasn't interested.

And actually, I've found my direction. There is a training program I want to get into once I move back to Wisconsin. It doesn't require college, but you have to go through this training for a few months. It is a few thousand dollars. You can't just walk off the street and do this job. I won't go into details, but it's a lucrative field in an office setting, in the beauty industry. They make pretty good money. (Certainly better money than my mom, with her associate degree, makes in her little boring office/paperwork position at the health clinic.) And I'm definitely looking toward small business courses in future years that'll only enhance my private practice in this field. I regularly see a lady who works in this field. She is always busy. Quite successful. She's not rich, but she lives comfortably. More comfortably than my mom and stepdad who are always tightening their belts for one reason or another. In fact she's going on her yearly vacation again this month.

I got on my mom's computer recently. I didn't intentionally snoop in her e-mail (long story how it happened), but I found some exchanges between my mom and my aunt (her younger sister). They're talking about the various things including their kids and my mom wrote, "I don't think she's planning on college, and I am so disappointed. But she's doing this other thing..."

To my face she acted like that was a great idea. Now I find out she's disappointed I'm not doing something else, and that I'm just doing this "other thing."

My aunt, the person she was exchanging e-mails with, is in her 40s and going to college. And these e-mails were so friendly, sweet, and loving.... and then my mom talks to me behind my aunt's back about how she thinks she's just going to school to avoid getting a real job. Nice.

It's a hard pill to swallow when your mom is more wrong on things than you care to think about. You grow up looking up to your parents. But looking back.... I don't fully blame myself for not having accomplished much by this age. Not after what I went through. I was dealing with an awful lot of depression, obviously. Looking back, it's so clear. And I'm the kind of person, when I'm depressed I eat and I sleep a lot. I didn't have energy to even get to school half the time, let alone do my school work. And after a few years of being called stupid, I didn't have the confidence anyway. Much of it is my own fault, negative attitude, and wallowing in depression rather than doing something about it sooner. But the people who raised me were no help. The environment I grew up in during my formative teenage years was frankly sickening. I wasn't beaten physically, but I was abused in my own way. It's like Dr. Phil said, "You may be in a body cast, but that doesn't make my ankle hurt any less." It's true. I always think, "Other people have had it worse, other people have had it worse." But.... I honestly don't feel like that should somehow diminish my experience. I went through what I went through and it was hard.

But it's over, I'm on to bigger and better things, and the first step is getting out of this sick environment altogether (not just the same house, but the same town) and back with my extended family.

I just had to make a long vent about family. Sometimes you just feel like moving away from them all and not having anything to do with any of them. We all wake up in the morning and manage as best we can every day of our lives, all of us. Why can't people just accept their family for who they are? Maybe if some of our relatives liked themselves a little more and were a little more satisfied with their own lives, they wouldn't have to point fingers and make grand, self-righteous decisions about whose lives are "up to par" and whose aren't.

I honestly believe I am at a reasonable level for what I've been through. Hard to maintain relationships, because I don't trust men. Understandably so. I won't even talk about my biological father.

Anyway... just had to vent. I'd be really amazed if anyone read all this, anyway.

Last edited by 2goldens; 03-24-2010 at 08:39 PM.. Reason: Moved from Other Topics
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Old 03-23-2010, 11:22 AM
 
Location: long island ny
4,577 posts, read 3,638,159 times
Reputation: 20692
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minnesconsinite View Post
I just had to make a long vent about family. Sometimes you just feel like moving away from them all and not having anything to do with any of them. We all wake up in the morning and manage as best we can every day of our lives, all of us. Why can't people just accept their family for who they are? Maybe if some of our relatives liked themselves a little more and were a little more satisfied with their own lives, they wouldn't have to point fingers and make grand, self-righteous decisions about whose lives are "up to par" and whose aren't.
I think you've done a good job of answering all of your issues yourself actually. You seem to know what to do, just do it.
I think every parent in their time, did the best they knew how. (unless they were unstable, etc.) I remember hating my mum for stuff that she did because I didn't understand when I was a child, and after I grew up, had a family, I realized everything she did, was for me in the end, although I didn't see it that way at the time.

Venting is good for the soul.
I hope it all works out for you.
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Old 03-23-2010, 11:35 AM
 
Location: Upper Midwest
1,877 posts, read 3,723,778 times
Reputation: 1884
Quote:
Originally Posted by sabbytabby View Post
I think you've done a good job of answering all of your issues yourself actually. You seem to know what to do, just do it.
I think every parent in their time, did the best they knew how. (unless they were unstable, etc.) I remember hating my mum for stuff that she did because I didn't understand when I was a child, and after I grew up, had a family, I realized everything she did, was for me in the end, although I didn't see it that way at the time.

Venting is good for the soul.
I hope it all works out for you.
Yes, when I have a family, I think you just use the good qualities that were instilled in you to help you parent, but you also use the negative. In addition to the positive things she taught me, I also know what kind of parent I am NOT going to be.

She was terribly shy as a kid and always a passive person. She has never stood up for me, really. Even when I deserved her support. She would always take my friend's side, that kind of thing... just to avoid dealing with someone else's kid. Sad, really. I'm far more outspoken and willing to stand up for myself... and others. I think she almost finds that offensive at times. In fact that's the only time she really raises her voice. It's offensive to her to see someone "rocking the boat" I think.

My stepdad has this friend who thinks his you-know-what doesn't stink. He clearly looks down on my mom and I both. You can tell just by her face it bothers my mom too, but she puts up with it. She'll cook him dinner and everything.

When he came over to the house, he didn't even acknowledge my presence in the room. After he left, I said, "Well that was rude."
Rather than agree with me (like a normal person), she acted surprised and insulted, like I was out-of-line. She even raised her voice and chastized me like a child. And I'm 30. "Well maybe he knows you don't like him!"

A visitor doesn't politely acknowledge everyone in the room. I stood up to greet him and he didn't acknowledge me. Only my nutty mom would find a way to make me wrong in that equation.

Needless to say I felt demeaned. I got yelled at like a child. I was merely commenting how rude that was. Anyone else on the planet would've agreed. What she was basically telling me in so many words was, "You're out-of-line and asking wayyyy too much to merely be acknowledged by a visitor. Now sit down and be quiet."

....And she expects me to have enough of a self-esteem to be a married doctor or lawyer by now?

Oh... and when I challenged her point of view, and she saw I was right, she changed her tune and said, "Don't put me in the middle..."
(Like my stepdad never put her in the middle all those years, when I wasn't good enough to be addressed directly... when he talked through her in order to get me to change my behavior.)

Like I said, I'm looking forward to moving. That's the only way I'm going to heal. That's the first vital step. It's not going to happen at all if I continue to stay in the same town as her and my stepdad.
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Old 03-23-2010, 01:09 PM
 
Location: EPWV
11,042 posts, read 6,197,307 times
Reputation: 12212
I think I've found myself in some portions of that vent.
Don't remember my folks getting all excited 'bout getting good grades but when I did something bad, I'd be told in a heartbeat. The neighbors said my folks praised us (other sibling included) but maybe they [neighbors] were just being really nice. If there's something our folks liked that we did, wouldn't ya think they could at least tell us?


Best wishes in school!
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Old 03-23-2010, 02:28 PM
 
Location: Orlando, Florida
43,858 posts, read 44,600,216 times
Reputation: 58621
Truth is....no matter where you go...you are still going to take all that hurting baggage with you. Might be best to deal with your feelings openly and honestly with your family, try to come to grips with the past enough to quit letting it ruin your present and begin to see that you are an important valuable human being with or without a pat on the back from the folks.
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Old 03-24-2010, 01:49 AM
 
Location: Hawaii
1,685 posts, read 3,760,272 times
Reputation: 3053
Sorry for your woes.

I couldn't read the whole thing.

Good luck to you.
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Old 03-24-2010, 02:00 AM
 
8,680 posts, read 13,299,550 times
Reputation: 15273
You know what? You're 30. Who cares what your mother thinks? Who cares what your step-father thinks? Who cares what your biological father thinks?

Seriously. Comes a time in your life when you stop blaming your parents for the situation you're in. That is also the time you stop giving a dang what they or anyone else thinks of you. It is okay to recognize that they are miserable failures, themselves, and that, as you say, they are wrong. It is also okay to put them out of your life, either temporarily or permanently, if they bring you nothing but heartache.

Easy to do? Probably not--until you look at them objectively, and see how very much you don't need their nonsense. Unfortunately, you can't do that while you're still in the "woe is me" rut.

I do think, however, that you will start to get out of that rut the moment you cross the state line out of there. Once you start doing for yourself, your self-esteem and self-worth will kick in. All it takes is one small success, and then the ball starts rolling. Before you know it, you'll have faith in yourself and in your own judgment, and realize that no matter what anyone else says--your parents, your extended family, people you meet on your journey through life--you're capable of taking care of yourself, and you're all right in your own skin.

So, pack up, hit the road, and don't look back. Good luck to you. And if you need to know a few good restaurants in Milwaukee, DM me. It's a fun town.
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Old 03-24-2010, 02:25 AM
 
Location: Upper Midwest
1,877 posts, read 3,723,778 times
Reputation: 1884
Quote:
Originally Posted by GloryB View Post
Truth is....no matter where you go...you are still going to take all that hurting baggage with you. Might be best to deal with your feelings openly and honestly with your family, try to come to grips with the past enough to quit letting it ruin your present and begin to see that you are an important valuable human being with or without a pat on the back from the folks.
Glory, Lord knows I've tried so many times. To air these feelings, get the past resolved. There have been times I've just been sitting on the couch sobbing, in complete frustration, trying to tell her how hurt I still feel. She just looks at me deadpan, she doesn't care. My lowest point was a suicide attempt in 2003. Of course at the time I didn't realize it was an accumulation of years of stress and depression that brought me to that breaking point. I thought it was the current issues that surrounded me at the time. And of course she holds all her own feelings inside. I can't get anywhere with her, the counselors got no where with her. Like I said, we stopped seeing the second therapist after she dared show support for me and dared point a finger at my mother. The therapist wasn't laying all the blame on her, just merely trying to get her to see maybe errors in judgement on her part had a part in my current problems. She refused to even see that. I'm not asking her to get on her knees and beg my forgiveness, just to acknowledge her part in all of it. And my stepdad's part in all of it. She won't even do that. Part of that blame is mine, and part of it is hers.

Make no mistake here - I've had a calling to be back in my homestate for a long time, simply because that's the place that feels like home to me. That's my main motivation for moving. Where my mom lives or doesn't live has nothing to do with it. It wouldn't matter where she currently lived, Wisconsin is where I would still want to be, regardless.

This is me taking control of my life and moving on. I'm not opposed to therapy for myself in the future. And now that I've found my own personal religious faith, that's been helping me tremendously too.
But I've come to realize I won't get any closure here. I've tried.
Thanks for your support.
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Old 03-24-2010, 03:28 AM
 
Location: Upper Midwest
1,877 posts, read 3,723,778 times
Reputation: 1884
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avienne View Post
You know what? You're 30. Who cares what your mother thinks? Who cares what your step-father thinks? Who cares what your biological father thinks?

Seriously. Comes a time in your life when you stop blaming your parents for the situation you're in. That is also the time you stop giving a dang what they or anyone else thinks of you. It is okay to recognize that they are miserable failures, themselves, and that, as you say, they are wrong. It is also okay to put them out of your life, either temporarily or permanently, if they bring you nothing but heartache.

Easy to do? Probably not--until you look at them objectively, and see how very much you don't need their nonsense. Unfortunately, you can't do that while you're still in the "woe is me" rut.

I do think, however, that you will start to get out of that rut the moment you cross the state line out of there. Once you start doing for yourself, your self-esteem and self-worth will kick in. All it takes is one small success, and then the ball starts rolling. Before you know it, you'll have faith in yourself and in your own judgment, and realize that no matter what anyone else says--your parents, your extended family, people you meet on your journey through life--you're capable of taking care of yourself, and you're all right in your own skin.

So, pack up, hit the road, and don't look back. Good luck to you. And if you need to know a few good restaurants in Milwaukee, DM me. It's a fun town.
I agree with everything you said. That's precisely why my first move is to get out of this state and back to where I want to be. I've had the calling to move for a long time now.

As of late I've also grown more confident in my own point of view. Somehow I viewed other people's opinions as more valuable than my own and didn't even realize it. If someone disapproved of me it tended to ruin my morning or day. If the majority of people would disagree with me, I would tend to feel bad or frustrated and believe I must be wrong. I'm growing to realize my opinion is just as valuable as anyone else's. I have my truth and other people have theirs. But mine is just as valid as anyone's. I feel mom and stepdad should apologize for some things they've done. Whether they ever actually will, is up to them. I'm not counting on it.

I don't believe they are completely responsible for everything. I believe we're all responsible for ourselves, like you said. But I believe they certainly had a healthy part in what happened. It's now my choice how I respond.
I love how parents want to take all or most of the credit when their children do something right or accomplish something positive. But if they've had a rough time of it, the parents had absolutely nothing to do with that.

I was just venting because the past couple day's events brought it to a head. If people want to think I'm a baby or something because of that, fine. I think it's healthy to let your feelings out.
And I'm sure I'll be dealing with it on and off in the future on certain days, when certain things take place. Certain things will bring it out. But eventually I have confidence it'll be completely behind me someday.
Moving is the first step.
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Old 03-24-2010, 03:31 AM
 
Location: Upper Midwest
1,877 posts, read 3,723,778 times
Reputation: 1884
Quote:
Originally Posted by tyvin View Post
Sorry for your woes.

I couldn't read the whole thing.

Good luck to you.
Thanks.
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