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Old 06-06-2007, 01:00 PM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 8,039,122 times
Reputation: 1813

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I just put this on the Texas forum as well but would like general input from you all. My husband's best friend wants to get married to a girl from a town west of Dallas and her wealthy influential family doesn't approve. It's not so much her parents as others that say they could make trouble for her if she does marry him. She is divorced with two kids and he is from England.

Any input would be appreciated. Thanks!!!
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Old 06-06-2007, 01:27 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,327 posts, read 6,235,441 times
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Unless this chick's family is compelled by legitimate concerns (which are few and far between in a case like this), she should tell them where they can go and where they can stick it.

If the fiancee is a drug addict, just got out of jail, has 8 kids by 8 baby mommas, etc., then obviously the girl's family has legitimate concerns. However, they should be mindful of her feelings and voice these concerns in a respectful, dignified manner, not "we'll make trouble for you if you go through with this."

In the end, your life is your own, and you should be free to be with whoever makes you happy, no matter what your family and friends say. Anyone that attempts to undermine that happiness for superficial reasons doesn't deserve your acknowledgement.
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Old 06-06-2007, 01:30 PM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 8,039,122 times
Reputation: 1813
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimpy View Post
Unless this chick's family is compelled by legitimate concerns (which are few and far between in a case like this), she should tell them where they can go and where they can stick it.

If the fiancee is a drug addict, just got out of jail, has 8 kids by 8 baby mommas, etc., then obviously the girl's family has legitimate concerns. However, they should be mindful of her feelings and voice these concerns in a respectful, dignified manner, not "we'll make trouble for you if you go through with this."

In the end, your life is your own, and you should be free to be with whoever makes you happy, no matter what your family and friends say. Anyone that attempts to undermine that happiness for superficial reasons doesn't deserve your acknowledgement.

This is great advise, but wish it were that simple. For information purposes, he has no kids, never married and is a decent guy.
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Old 06-06-2007, 01:32 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,327 posts, read 6,235,441 times
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So why is it more complicated than I made it out to be?

If he makes her happy, then her response to the nay-sayers should be, "This is the guy I'm going to marry, if you don't like it, suck my a--."

How difficult is that?
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Old 06-06-2007, 01:34 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
644 posts, read 3,108,910 times
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She's an adult. She can marry whomever she likes. It's always sad when a family makes a child choose between the family and her husband. If she does choose the family, she will resent them for the rest of her life. the best thing you can do as a parent is raise your child to make good decisions. Parenting is not about brainwashing and controlling your offspring. It's about raising them to be good decent kind responsible thoughtful and intelligent adults. Seems to me they are still infantilizing her. Maybe she'll run off to England and never see them again. Seems like that's what they are asking for. Shame.

Artie
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Old 06-06-2007, 01:37 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,327 posts, read 6,235,441 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artichoke63 View Post
She's an adult. She can marry whoever she likes. It's always sad when a family makes a child choose between the family and her husband. If she does choose the family, she will resent them for the rest of her life. the best thing you can do as a parent is raise your child to make good decisions. Parenting is not about brainwashing and controlling your offspring. It's about raising them to be good decent kind responsible thoughtful and intelligent adults. Seems to me they are still infantalizing her. Maybe she'll run off to England and never see them again. Seems like that's what they are asking for. Shame.

Artie
Great post.

To expound on your first point, if your family makes you choose between them and a partner who makes you happy, ALWAYS choose the partner.

Any family who would present you with an awful decision like that is not worth having in your life.
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Old 06-06-2007, 01:45 PM
 
Location: Rural Central Texas
3,605 posts, read 9,277,630 times
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You state it is not the parents that are the problem, but other that will cause trouble? How significant is the trouble and of what nature? Is it something she cannot escape or ignore?

Is she dependent upon them for some reason or is she just concerned about "keeping the peace"?

If she is dependent upon those that will cause trouble and cannot become independent or for some reason cannot survive the trouble they cause, then perhaps your friend has not found the right girl. It might help explain why her first marriage had troubles if she was not independent or mature enough to live her own life.

I don't think the family has a veto option in these cases, but their opinion can carry substantial weight with insecure or immature persons. It really is not a case of right or wrong, but a case of maturity and specific circumstance.

If she has a "well connected" family and can expect a hit man to arrive after the wedding, I would pay more attention to their opinion that I would if they just mean they won't invite her to the family reunions anymore.
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Old 06-06-2007, 04:17 PM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 8,039,122 times
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From what i can gather, it's more the type of trouble that would lose a job or make it difficult for him to get one. Also, they are a wealthy family so there may be inheritance concerns. There may have been a situation where they had to help her out with regards to her ex husband and don't want to get stuck doing it again.

My thread on the Texas forum has been closed. Apparently most of those people don't think it has anything to do with where they live. Well, having lived in a lot of different places, I beg to differ. Anyone that has lived in an area where large wealthy families have their hands in most businesses, schools, etc...knows it may not be that they live in Texas, but it has a HECK of a lot to do with WHERE liveE !!!!

Last edited by floridadreamer; 06-06-2007 at 04:36 PM..
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Old 06-06-2007, 05:26 PM
 
Location: Nashville, Tn
7,916 posts, read 16,790,127 times
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Sometimes wealth and power can distort people's judgement. I think love between two people is what's important and it might be a good idea for the woman to get away from her controlling parents. Of course, there might be more to this situation that you're not aware of but from what you're saying the parents don't seem to be acting like a loving Mother and Father.
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Old 06-06-2007, 07:23 PM
 
1,501 posts, read 5,187,685 times
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Florida, it really sounds like brothers worried about a gold-digger, after having gone through some stuff with the prior husband. I'm in agreement with everyone else -- if this is not a "Connie Corleone" scenario (the guy in II @ Anthony's Communion), which could be the case as well? I know ladies with "puppy-dog syndrome" who "keep" these guys who suddenly claim their back's injured... they can't work... so I'm looking from both angles here. Perhaps if they knew him better? Good luck to them.

Last edited by Travel'r; 06-06-2007 at 07:44 PM..
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