Need advice from Northeasterners and natives!

[RuralCoastalGuy]

Originally Posted by timunh

Hello, Northeasterners and native North Carolinians! I need advice. I'm considering moving to NC to escape snow and property taxes. (When I arrive, I may complain about heat and bad schools.) These are the top ten
issues that are important to me. Tell me whether I'll be able to find what I want in NC so that I can decide whether to move. Thanks!!!

1. PROGRESSIVE BELIEFS

I consider myself "progressive" and am looking for a city with like-minded people. I am tolerant of all people, as long as they think, act, and especially vote exactly the way that I do. I cook only with organic, fair-trade aluminum foil, I drive vehicles that run only on peat moss, I use only light bulbs that have been personally tested and blessed by Al Gore. I use only butter made from the milk of cows that listen to NPR all day long and only eggs from free-range chickens who volunteer to peck in nails at Habitat for Humanity homes. What's more important than my commitment to my progressive lifestyle is my commitment to telling everyone about my progressive lifestyle. In a couple of years when my habit is no longer the trendy, progressive thing to do, I reserve the right to change it so that I remain an independent, progressive thinker. As a progressive, I hate it when Americans travel the world, judging other countries by comparing them to an American cultural norm and then imposing our culture on
others. OK, so here's the rest of the list of things I expect everyone in North Carolina to do to accommodate me...

2. CULTURE

I expect to move to Clayton NC and be able to go to the opera Monday night, the symphony Tuesday night, the ballet Wednesday night, a Broadway show Thursday night, and an art-gallery opening Friday night.
Notice that I said "be able to go." I don't actually do these things often up here, but it makes me feel very sophisticated when I can criticize places for not having the same culural opportunities as in the large Northeastern cities. What I expect from Raleigh, I would never expect of Rochester NY or Hartford CT. My hobby is comparing apples to oranges and then criticizing oranges for not being more like apples. For example, the other day I made orange cobbler and it sucked.

3. FOOD

I realize that there isn't the Italian-American tradition in the Southeast that we have in the Northeast, but I think it's fair that I demand just as many Italian restaurants of the same quality in NC that we have back home. And if there isn't as many, I'm going to gripe about it until you want to fold a slice and shove it into my big mouth. I'm also planning to go to Utah and demand more soul-food restaurants. After all, there are just TONS of roadside diners in New Hampshire that serve eastern NC-style barbecue
with the vinegar-based sauce.

4. WEATHER

I've heard about this thing called humidity. I don't actually want to visit North Carolina and find out if the weather is suitable to my tastes. I want you all to describe the humidity in 25 words or less so that I can make up my mind. Maybe you can capture it in an SAT-style analogy that I can
understand: Humidity is to the George Washington Bridge as the Chrysler Building is to blank.

5. ACCEPTANCE

Will I be accepted in North Carolina? Somebody might notice that I'm not a native. We're planning on wearing black socks and sandals everywhere and talking as loudly as Frank and Estelle Costanza on "Seinfeld." Also, I might occasionally begin a sentence with, "Back up North we do things by..."
I have to confess that if I ever saw some Southern caricature, straight out of central casting--you know, with the overalls, the bent-bill cap, and the funny accent--I would laugh until marinara sauce ran out my nose. However, I expect everyone to keep a straight face when they see and hear me and be perfectly courteous. If they aren't, I'll tell everyone that the whole Southern hospitality thing is a myth.

6. DIVERSITY

Please tell me what place I can move to in North Carolina that has diversity. I love diversity. When a city has white progressives, black progressives, Latino progressives, and Asian progressives, who all have the same opinions, it makes the city a diverse place to live. Diversity is like garnish on the dish at a fancy restaurant. It makes everything look better but I'm not actually going to eat it. If someone from back home asks me if I moved to an all-white suburb I want to be able to cite demographic
statistics to prove that somewhere in my new city (on the other side) there are tokens of diversity. I don't actually want to live diversity; I just want to talk about it. And talk about it. And talk about it. At the end of the day, I'm going to send my child to a "good" school, if you know what I mean.

7. TOLERANCE

I'm worried that I'm going to be chased down the street by a racist mob of hillbillies. I saw someone like this on TV once. What you see on TV must be true because I know that everyone from New Jersey is a Tony Soprano look-a-like who has his rivals whacked. Therefore, my fears are totally reasonable. I hate all forms of bigotry. That's why if I see a bumper sticker
with a Confederate flag on it, I'm going to say, "What's wrong with THESE PEOPLE? Why are THEY like this?" Again, I hate all forms of bigotry and stereotyping. I'm a very tolerant person. "Live and let live," I always say. And if you don't agree, you should be shot.

8. RELIGIOUS INDEPENDENCE

As a progressive Northeasterner, my greatest fear in life is that someone might invite me to church. It scares me so much that I'm considering not moving to North Carolina after all. What a horrible, hateful thing to do to someone--invite them to church. I understand that a majority of Americans from all regions of the country consider themselves religious. But Southerners are on average slightly more religious than we are. Religious
zealots is the first thing I think of when someone mentions "The South" to me. Religion is a bad habit when white Southern Protestants practice it. But I have great admiration for other deeply religious people. So when we Northeasterners criticize you Southeasterners for being too religious it's kinda like someone who smokes three packs a day telling someone who smokes four packs a day that he might get lung cancer.

9. SPRAWL

Why are these cities with new growth getting so spread out? It's so ugly and disgusting. We should be able to have tremendous population boom while occupying the same amount of space. I know, let's all get one giant bunk bed that's like five thousand stories high!

10. RESPECT FOR THE INDIVIDUAL CHARACTERISTICS OF PLACE

I know New York City well. Can you believe that some people are so ignorant that they don't know the difference between SoHo and The Village? To me, the Upper East Side and the Upper West Side might as well be on different planets. Now can someone sum up this whole North Carolina thing for me in one post? What's it like? I understand that Asheville is just
like Wilmington with hills, right?

After I read your thesis...twice...and was able to digest it all I came to the conclusion that you won't be very happy here....with the possible exception of The City of Cary...Your expectations appear to be extreme and I doubt that you will get everything you want simply because you want it. Perhaps a native here will explain to you what C-A-R-Y stands for down here.

Calling Asheville the same as Wilmington but with hills is the same as saying Bensonhurst is like NYC but with more water.

[wanderintonc]

Oh my goodness : ) This is hilarious!!! In the first few lines, before I realized it was snark, I got hung up on the car that runs on peat moss-I was like 'oh man I am gonna git one of those when I move to NC!' LOL

[maxpower]

Stephen Colbert and his writers couldn't have said it better...is writing your day job? Because if it's not ,it should be.Perfection,Thanks.

[RuralCoastalGuy]

After reading the OP's thread starting post it sounds like he is just frustrated with and tired of reading all the endless posts about moving to North Carolina...many or most of which are bogus or written by trolls.

I used to jump in and try to help all those wanting to move here but since I just don't believe 9 out of 10 posters requesting information, similiar to what is in the OP's post, I stopped offering advice.

When/if I do see a post...not by a newbie, sorry...I still have the desire to help. I cannot see trying to help someone who is on the welfare rolls in another state to North Carolina just so they can be added to the large burden we already have her.

If this was the OP's reason for creating such a well written post then I applaud him.

Unfortunately for the legitimate seekers the trolls and "tell me everything I need to know so I can maybe think about moving to NC someday" posters I would bet that many of us just read and drift by.

[timunh]

I didn't think anyone would take offense. The post was not intended to ridicule people from a region or those who hold a political belief. I think if you follow the forums for any of the Southeastern states you'll see repeated examples of posts from critics and potential transplants that fit into the categories that I mentioned. I took those themes and lumped them into the attitudes of one character, who is not intended to represent all potential transplants, all Northeasterners, all people who call themselves progressive, or all anything. It's just fun to take someone's inconsistencies, exaggerate them, and then put them side by side in such a ridiculous way.

The satire was directed solely at the MANY MANY posters who ask questions that are far too broad and who assume uniformity within a state (can you imagine how folks on the NY forum would respond if I asked, "I'm thinking about moving to either Buffalo or Long Island, so what's the state like?"), who ask transplants to confirm or deny the most offensive, horrifying stereotypes (I mean, if you really think that the natives are _____, why would you even think of moving here?), who make comments that seem directed more toward patting themselves on the back for their "correct" behavior/beliefs than actually seeking input from others (or just making any "hipper-than-thou" statement), and who seem to be chasing a "me-topia" (as opposed to "u-topia") with all of the pros and none of the cons of back home when they ought to know that their ideals aren't realistic in the new location. I just thought folks could have a laugh and maybe take the opportunity to examine the underlying assumptions that go into some of these posts. What I've seen on the NC forum is mild compared to others (VA, SC, AL).

Not one ounce of regional hatred or resentment toward transplants went into it. I'm a transplant myself (an actual non-Yankee who lived in Cary for 13 years). Now if you want to hear some really bizarre questions and comments, grow up in a small town in Alabama and move to New York City for a couple of years, as I did! Proud to call many New Yorkers friends and lucky to have the opportunity to visit often...

[abloodragon]

Sorry, but I think this is a southerners perspective of a Yankee. I've been down here 11 years. I never told anyone I was from up north, even avoided it nicely, when asked. I'm carrying my ass back up north. Yes, I said a swear word, after bottling it up for 11 years. After 11 frustrating years, joining a church, sharing my fresh produce (fresh eggs) with all my neighbors including anyone at church that wanted them, starting and 100% manning a Wed/night nursery program at church for over a year, and over 2 years volunteering at a local rescue squad, I'm still not part of the community. The only friends I've made are transplants like me. I'm still an outsider. I was even told at work, by one of the other local (college educated individual) You will never be one of us, so don't even bother to try. When My husband left for 15 months of active duty, and I being left behind with a job and FOUR KIDS, stopped going to church. It came as no surprise that after being a member for years, not one phone call, not one visit, not even a post card from anyone at church. After all, I am a damn yankee, right?
Ya all want to wave, but you really don't want to know anyone unless they are from NC.
Well, ya all can wave as we drive away, cause I ain't coming back!! April 14, Parting is not sweet sorrow.

so much for southern hospitality.
Recently at work, a lady came up to me, looked at my name badge, and said "Ya ain't from around here are ya?". I finally opened my mouth, and stopped being polite. "No, I'm not from around here, and I'm moving back up north as fast as I can. "

So make fun all you want, this polite, church going, college educated person, is taking her tax dollars, and family up north.

[ptdudeboston]

I can only assume that you are looking for responses on here because you are starving for attention and can't deal with yourself in the end. Luckily, I don't mind obliging in giving you some much needed attention. Heck, I love to write. With your attitude, I don't think you would be "accepted" by much of anyone who has a good natured attitude about the world and all of us who live in it. You might as well do the Henry David Thoreau thing and go live on your own, writing essays about your own thoughts. Cuz it sure doesn't seem like you are at all interested in anything but that! Get a clue and stop insulting people from the north and south alike!

And please don't move to NC because I plan to in a year and don't want people like you around. Frankly, there are enough snobby people up here in the northeast already, so maybe you should stay put boss.

[RuralCoastalGuy]

Originally Posted by timunh

I didn't think anyone would take offense. The post was not intended to ridicule people from a region or those who hold a political belief. I think if you follow the forums for any of the Southeastern states you'll see repeated examples of posts from critics and potential transplants that fit into the categories that I mentioned. I took those themes and lumped them into the attitudes of one character, who is not intended to represent all potential transplants, all Northeasterners, all people who call themselves progressive, or all anything. It's just fun to take someone's inconsistencies, exaggerate them, and then put them side by side in such a ridiculous way.

The satire was directed solely at the MANY MANY posters who ask questions that are far too broad and who assume uniformity within a state (can you imagine how folks on the NY forum would respond if I asked, "I'm thinking about moving to either Buffalo or Long Island, so what's the state like?"), who ask transplants to confirm or deny the most offensive, horrifying stereotypes (I mean, if you really think that the natives are _____, why would you even think of moving here?), who make comments that seem directed more toward patting themselves on the back for their "correct" behavior/beliefs than actually seeking input from others (or just making any "hipper-than-thou" statement), and who seem to be chasing a "me-topia" (as opposed to "u-topia") with all of the pros and none of the cons of back home when they ought to know that their ideals aren't realistic in the new location. I just thought folks could have a laugh and maybe take the opportunity to examine the underlying assumptions that go into some of these posts. What I've seen on the NC forum is mild compared to others (VA, SC, AL).

Not one ounce of regional hatred or resentment toward transplants went into it. I'm a transplant myself (an actual non-Yankee who lived in Cary for 13 years). Now if you want to hear some really bizarre questions and comments, grow up in a small town in Alabama and move to New York City for a couple of years, as I did! Proud to call many New Yorkers friends and lucky to have the opportunity to visit often...

Although I originally misunderstood your post it is obvious after hearing this retort that you are a gifted writer and one who had something to say...and said it. Bravo...we need more of that in here to offset the countless mindless posts that we have to endure in the hope of reading a good one.

As an aside, we will be getting Asheville cold weather this weekend so I imagine it will be frost time for y'all up there.

Be it pro or con you can sider me pro with regards to your OP and subsequent post.. When you left Bama did you take your red sauce bar b q recipe? Best bar b q I have had in my life was in Enterprise