SOS! Any help to persuade a teenager to move? (Charlotte: schools, college)

[BarbaraNJ]

Originally Posted by IMPERIALBROWNS

This is what happened to us. At first my daughter was agreeable to moving however selling the house has taken so long it has taken its toll on all of us. She has known these friends since she was five years old. Now they're all having sweet sixteen parties and we're preparing for one ourselves. This year she has become very close to them. My house has always been open to them. Barbara, my son decided to go to college in Vermont!! I have the same fear about employment as I am at the same age as your husband. My husband is retired however he just needs to supplement but, I still need to work to help my kids through college. I know for a fact that jobs are readily available for me in the Charlotte area now however, my fear is that by the time I get down there age will be an obstacle. I would also like to live near my daughter. Somehow I feel that if I wait til she is 18 we will go separate ways. If I go down now there's a chance she will adjust and make her life down there near us. There's no guarantee that this will happen. I will have to give this much more thought. I will wait til this schoolyear is over and perhaps take her down North Carolina again to show her around.

Good Luck BarbaraNJ.

Imperial we had originally thought we would move to Nc when we retired knowing we would not be able to afford to live where we are now at that time. Then I thought if we waited till then chances are my kids would go to college in the northeast and settle there and we would be so far away. So we felt if we moved now while they were still in elementary and hs they would hopefully like it and want to settle there someday. It's so hard to know what to do. My daughter actually does not have a huge group of friends, the few she had dumped her last summer when she was busy with basketball, and dive team. I really want to ask her what we are staying here for but need to couch it so it doesn't hurt her feelings. I know she is afraid she won't make any friends there which I know is unlikely buy it's hard to convince them. She actually was aquainted with a girl who moved to the Raleigh area at the end of her sophmore year and says she likes it there. I'm so glad you posted this question it is nice to hear from others in the same predicament. Oh yes just keep in mind if you do decide to go make sure it is at the beginning of a shool year. When we thought we were moving last year and I checked with the HS's they run on a 4by4 block which is different than here in NJ. ( Actually don't know where you are from). It would have posed some problems to move within the year. Good luck with your decision, let me know what you decide.
Barbara

[Mvn2nc]

Did you ever consider all the great colleges in N.C as well? She may be interested in attending one. I suggest you take her down here again and see what she thinks.
It appears your daughter sounds level headed and mature and would probably make the adjustment better than you think.Sometimes you need to take yourself as the adult into consideration and do whats best for you because you cant tell me more than likley she will adjust and perhaps like it.
I had someting similar happen to me years ago.I moved form one town to the next but i had to change schools in my sophmore year of high school. My mother made me leave my comfort zone. At the time i wanted to just kill her ( not literly!)but she said i had no choice.Low and behold from 1975 untill now i remain the absolute best of friends with the two girls that became "my best friends" in H.S.I just cant imagine what life would be without them to this day and of course now that i look back it was not so bad after all.It made me extend myself and put myself out there in ways i did not have to before.Fast foward to 2006 and i just left my comfort zone in Calif. to move out to N.C and i am meeting new people and adjusting quite well. I often looked back on that experience and thought if i did it then, i can do it now and it really helped me stay confident in my decision. Life always has a way of working things out Good luck it's hard choices to make.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by skyegirl

Okay, with all due respect to all the posters...are you kidding me? When did children start making the decisions? If and when we move, guess what...my kids will come too because it is my husband and I who pay the bills. Life isn't easy, period, but the sooner they learn to go with the flow, the easier their lives will be! Just my 2 cents!

You don't have teenagers yet do you?

No one is saying a kid gets to make these kinds of decisions. But a 16-year- old and what is going on in his/her life is a whole lot different than a 10-year-old, or even a 15-year-old.

Once they are 16 they are entering their junior year of high school - a very critical time academically and socially in their lives. It's one thing if the family MUST move for some good reason that may be beyond their control, it is a whole nother thing to CHOOSE to move at that time in your teenagers life just because you want to. To do that - when you have a very resistent teen who is doing well academically and socially, is to play Russian roulette with your relationship with your teen and their future college career. I have seen more times where this has been a disaster than it has been a success.

Parents must wisely and thoughtfully consider what such a move can potentially mean in the long run. To do otherwise and just take that stance of "I'm the parent, you have to do what I say" is just selfish and not putting the needs of their kids first. NOTE, I did not say "the wants" of their kids, I'm talking real needs. The need for kids to maintain the stability they already have with a particular peer group when that peer group is a positive influence in their lives. The need they have to be free of distraction from working hard their junior year to be have the grades they need for the colleges who will be looking at them. The need they have to know their parents love them enough to do what is truly in their best interests.

I hope you never find yourself in such an agonizing place with your own kids.

[BarbaraNJ]

Loves your last line "I hope you never find yourself in such an agonizing place.." is so true. Agonizing is just how it feels. I can make a valid argument for staying or moving , I can analyze every possible outcome think I have made a decision and then a little voice says but what if? Oh how I wish I could peek into a crystal ball just this once.

[alice_61]

Unless there was a compelling reason not to, I would be willing to stay where you are for your daughter to finish high school. But I would explain that you and your huband are serious about moving to NC when she graduates and that there might be advantages to moving while she is in high school: in-state tuition in NC and to develop closer personal ties to where her parents will live.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by BarbaraNJ

Loves your last line "I hope you never find yourself in such an agonizing place.." is so true. Agonizing is just how it feels. I can make a valid argument for staying or moving , I can analyze every possible outcome think I have made a decision and then a little voice says but what if? Oh how I wish I could peek into a crystal ball just this once.

I know, I know! Being a parent of a teen sure puts the grey hair on your head doesn't it? I think the thing to do is sit down and have a heart to heart with your kid. Discuss with them all the potential pros and cons. Make them know you care about their opinion and are not just an adult on a power trip. See if you can establish some "team spirit" and involve them in the discussion of where exactly you want to go and how doing so could be beneficial to you all.

I once saw the child psychologist John Rosemond give a talk. He said something that stuck with me and worked well when I had a teen a few years later. He said parents need to realize that as your child moves through adolescence your job is to become less parental and more of a mentor. You should never speak to a 16-year-old like you would a 10-year-old. If a parent gives the teen the respect they really deserve, the teen will almost always in turn respect their parent. Dictators rarely earn true respect.

If a parent doesn't learn how to mentor and sticks strictly with being authoritative and dictating (like you need to be when they are young) several things happen. Among these are that your child never learns to make good decisions for themselves (because you've always done it for them) and therefore they are not ready for the freedom they get when they go off to college and get themselves into all kinds of trouble (by not getting up on time for classes, experimenting with drinking and sex - just making more wreckless choices). When you mentor someone you want to guide them in learning how to think things thru - not do the thinking for them.

If you can establish this kind of relationship with your teen, where you help them to learn self discipline and to be motivated by other things than the old "you'd better do it because I said so", everyone wins in the long run. I wish you well in your situation as I know this is gut wrenching

[BarbaraNJ]

Loves so true so true. It is definately different parenting a teen, loosening those ties a little more each year, trying to teach them to be more independant, to learn how to make choices for themselves. My son is almost 11 and it can be exhausting switching gears between the two. The six years between them really makes a difference. Well this is what we signed up for when we became parents. We just have to keep on doing our best and hope all will work out the way it should. Thank you for your positive words.

[hapaleeretired]

What an interesting thread! When it started I was in line with skyegirl but I have changed my mind. If my daughter was making good grades and had a good group of friends I think I'd hang in there for the two years. Buying property now makes sense too.
I do hope that whatever you do it works out for the best. I hope too that your daughter appreciates your sacrifice.
Things have had a funny way of working out for the best for us. I hope they do for you too.

[QUATERBACK20/04]

Annabell And Wisteria Could'nt Have Said It Better.the Final Decission Is The Parents.should Your Family Decide To Move She Would Adjust.your Daughter Sounds Like A Well Round Person.she'll
Keep Her Good Friends And Make New Ones. Then Guess What She's Off To College,and Moving Again! And That Will Be Her Decission If She Goes Where She Goes,as A Young Adult.make No Bones About It She'll Let You Know It's Her Decission.just As It's Your Decission Where Your Family Goes Or Stays.i Think As Parents Sometimes We Give The Kids The Control Of What We Should Or Shouldn't Do.trnasplanting Kids Isn't Easy But Kids Are More Resilient Than We Think.yes They Can Make Our Lifes Crazy At Times.but In The End We Good Parents Are Always There For Them When Ever They Need Us
So You Make The Final Say And Good Luck To You And The Family.

[Apple Annie]

Speaking from experience, please, do what is best for your daughter. Lovesmountains is correct. You have no idea what problems can arise from this decision. Problems that will affect her for the rest of her life, and yours. Hang in there.