NEPAs Own Off-Topic Thread ( family, home, photos) (California: coupons, disposal)

[loveinbloom]

Thank you and thank God...

[Jungle George]

6 Truths of Life




1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.


2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.


3. And discover that The first truth is a lie and feel superior because they can do it.


4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.


5. You soon will copy, paste & send this to another idiot.


6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.


I apologize about this.

I'm an idiot and I needed company.....

[Jungle George]

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny and so many others. Not one single swear word in their comedy.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Sir are you comfortable? " The Jewish man says, "I make a good living."



* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. She is permanently moving to California to be near her daughter.



* I've been in love with the same woman for over 50 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!



* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"



* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.



* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.



* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.



* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.



* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.



* I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.



* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.



* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs . Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"



* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"



* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"



* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"



* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."



* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.



*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.



*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.



*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.



*Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.



*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.



*Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!



*Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.



*A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" " Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."



*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."



*Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.



*Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."



*Short summary of every Jewish holiday. They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.



*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days" "Force yourself" she replied.



*Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

A: Eventually, the Rottweiler let's go.



*Q: Why are Jewish men circumcized?

A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

[lialleycat]

^^^^ Oy vey!

[lialleycat]

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio


"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most- requested column I've ever written.


1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

[loveinbloom]

What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

Hey wait a minute?

[Jungle George]

Originally Posted by loveinbloom

What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

Hey wait a minute?

I hear you don't do dishes either....

[Jungle George]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.

It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.


As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.


He said, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like one?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."


She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me!!"

[loveinbloom]

Originally Posted by Jungle George

I hear you don't do dishes either....

Have you been talking to my husband? LOL

[loveinbloom]

Originally Posted by lialleycat

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio


"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most- requested column I've ever written.


1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Thank you...I have read this before but it is always a great read!