NEPAs Own Off-Topic Thread ( family, home, photos) (taxi driver, license plate)

[lialleycat]

The Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: 'Ireland's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed Early This Morning'....

[Jungle George]

In a large gallery in NYC, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how the work of art was painted by an artist from Wilkes-Barre Pa. & how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, a man approached the couple and said, 'I happen to be from Wilkes-Barre Pa. Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all!

They're just three Polish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[Jungle George]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police & told them about the people in his shed. Then they asked 'Is someone in your house?'

He said 'No.' Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'

George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

True Story...Don't mess with old people.

[Jungle George]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Dallas, Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer.

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

[Jungle George]

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

Hopifuly Im yore best aplicant so farr,
Sinseerly,

Adam

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - enclosed is a pickture of me.


Employer's response:
Dear Adam,

It's O.K., we've got spell check.
See you Monday!!!!!!!!
Best,

Serena Wright
Company President

[Jungle George]

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have
a bad day at work .Think of this guy-

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs of offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won...

"Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn! I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job" & whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, "Is this a jellyfish bad day?"

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!"

[EnyaGirl]

Just wanted to wish our very own InfectedMushroom a happy birthday today!

[MovingOutOfNJ]

Originally Posted by lialleycat

The Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: 'Ireland's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed Early This Morning'....

lol HORRIBLE lol thats so bad.

Very Funny but sooo wrong lol

[Jungle George]

Flowers always make folks happy, so here's some flowers from the jungle for y'all....

It's crazy!! Today it got to 91 out (which is REALLY unusual for this time of year), & tomorrow night is going down in the 40's with this cold front coming through (which is REALLY unusual for this time of year!!!)

The weather guy said it broke heat records for today, & tomorrow's gonna break cold records!! Go figure....

[lialleycat]

^^^^ Beautiful flowers JG! We had an awesome weather day on Sunday. I got a lot of cleaning up done outside and I put out all my little garden statues (I put them away in the winter so they don't get damaged). Was too tired after working all day to even consider any pictures. Maybe this weekend I'll get some. I'll have the camera out for Easter anyway.