NEPAs Own Off-Topic Thread ( family, home, photos) (York, California: coupon, dermatologist)

[lialleycat]

Originally Posted by gdude

George I love your jokes!!

How is everyone?

I'm good here on LI. How's things going by you Gdude?

[Jungle George]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other
guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car
keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed
to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and
said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

[Jungle George]

A three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is gripping on to the toilet seat with his left hand and

hitting himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."

The mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more

minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says: "it works for ketchup."

[lialleycat]

Got this from my daily recipe email

My brother, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on business. When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents' home and told Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit. Dad hung up. "The prodigal son is returning!" he called to my mother. "Kill the fatted zucchini!"

[Future Trooper]

I am doing great over here in cool Hoosierland!

Love your jokes george!

[I LOVE PA!]

I love George's jokes too!!!! Keep 'em coming George!

[lialleycat]

Go George! Go George! Go George! -> Says LIAC with cheerleader pom poms....

[Jungle George]

An old Italian man lived alone in Chicago. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

[lialleycat]

^^^^ An oldie, but a goodie!

[Jungle George]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club...

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey...'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby.. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real beyotch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday.